Tonight’s film flop is “Steven Kang’s Sharks of The Corn.” Now you may be expecting a Children of the Corn knockoff but with Sharks instead of kids. And honestly, that would have made more sense.The movie opens with a woman trying to seduce the local Kentucky county fair’s corn-eating champion, but he’s drunk, so the obvious course of action is to invite him to chase her through the saddest-looking cornfield ever as she removes the four layers of clothing she was wearing leaving them sexily hanging from stalks of corn. But almost as soon as her breasts are exposed she's eaten by a shark. Random shot of Stonehenge.But maybe it's not a real shark, maybe it's this serial killer dude wearing a gaiter with a shark jaw print, who shows up in the next scene and kills a hooker with a museum gift shop shark jaw. Damn it Bruce, hookers are friends, not food! Random different shot of Stonehenge.So then a police officer, who makes your average mall cop look like a rocket surgeon, attempts, and fails a dozen times, to put yellow police tape around thirty stalks of corn, while a detective questions the unbothered corn chomping champ thirty feet away right next to the dead body. Just to be clear, the police tape was not going around the dead body, just corn. Making this scene even more wonderful, the detective was speaking to the police officer over the radio despite being ten feet away and in the same shot. The police uniform is a police badge on a white shirt, half covering up the embroidery of the company logo that was actually on the shirt. Yet another random shot of Stonehenge.So the duo of crack international thieves, or maybe ninjas, or military special forces rolls up in a Kia Soul, breaks into the open air shed of a shark cult under the cover of partly cloudy by slightly crouching with the aid of black ski masks and black short sleeve t-shirts. They steal a baby shark in a bottle, and the shed blows up despite nothing remaining in the shed but cobwebs. Not even electricity. Then they get killed by a guy shooting spitballs out of a Starbucks straw without reloading. Then another boxum woman enters the corn field calling out for her lover. I don't why everyone wants to bump uglies in this cornfield, because it's not the cornfield across from my old high school. But this woman runs into Bigfoot instead.Random CGI rendering of Stonehenge.This movie spent all its makeup, costuming and SFX budget at Spirit Halloween on November 5th.And we're only 20 minutes in. I can't write fast enough to keep up with this movie. The corn goes from tall and green in one scene to dry and standing in the next and then back again and everywhere in between. We get the expected shark fin scene, but it's clearly going through a wheat field, not corn. In the police station, the wanted posters are four copies of Ted Bundy’s wanted poster, another four of the Zodiac killer (I think), and a few appear to actually be fliers for a band playing in the bar next door. Random Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poooooooooo! ... And now your host .... the surveyor of shitty cinema! ... the mocker of moronic movies! ... the terror of tiny town! ...  the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth! ... the one of many! … Allen Smitheeeeeeeee! Written, Directed, and Starring: Allen SmitheeAssistant Director, Producer, and Stunt Coordinator: Allen SmitheeBoom-Mic Operator, Sound Editing, and Music by Allen Smithee.Construction Coordinator: The Amazing RandoMake-Up by CrayolaCatering provided by the Soylent Corp.Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of the Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer-Shark-Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloo.http://Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspoolhttp://Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Tonight's movie is “Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies.” The basic premise of this movie is that the Nazi Zombie thing has been overdone, so we’re going to set it in Austria and replace the Nazi uniforms with the most humorous of all the pants, liderhosen.  The movie opens with a hot shot American snowboarder pulling a wacky stunt where he boards down the mountain in his birthday suit, only to discover there’s a make-a-wish kid, complete with wheelchair waiting to meet him. The movie kinda goes downhill from there, and not just because they snowboard. It's a fairly standard zombie movie, except everyone is doing their best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, there's zombie deer, and the black people don’t die first. But that's because the movie was cast before the swapped out the nazis. Not a lot of black nazis. Spoiler alert: everyone who wears liderhosen, turns into a zombie. At one point our protagonists try to escape the living dead by picking up a menu board and walking behind it, like they’re Mystery Inc. The plan falls apart when they turn around briefly and the menu slides away on the ice. The zombies then slip on the ice. The living slip on the ice. Robert Van Winkle is Vanilla Ice. As the movie progresses the zombies become easier to kill, and get killed in increasingly absurd and comedic ways often involving the deadliest of all winter sporting equipment, the snowboard. The biggest laugh however came halfway through the credits, as someone was credited for their role as “penis double.” I might leave that job off of my LinkedIn profile.Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poo!  With your host, the surveyor of shitty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the terror of tiny town, the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth, the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed & Starring Allen SmitheeAssistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen SmitheeBoomMic Operator, Sound Editing & Music Allen SmitheeConstruction Coordinator The Amazing RandoMakeUp CrayolaCatering Soylent CorpAllen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloohttp://Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspoolhttp://Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Tonight’s cgi cinematic stinker is “Trump vs the Illuminati.” The year is 3024, and the earth was distroyed 1000 years ago when Donald Trump started a nuclear war. The last survivor of the human race lives on Mars and he’s a Chinese made exact clone of Donald Trump except he’s immortal and has huge hands. For … uhm … reasons he’s become the center of the war been The Illuminati, who are aliens lead by Allister Crowly, who sounds suspiciously like the Mark Hammil joker, and the Atlanteans (or possibly Atlanta-ian’s, it’s unclear if they’re supposed to be from Atlantis or Atlanta) who are also aliens, lead in part by Van Helsing. As the last human alive, Trump spends most of the film darkly brooding, narrating his life and pondering the meaning of existence.  He monologues a lot. The illuminati monologue a lot. The citizens of Atlanta monologue a lot. Alister Crowley and Van Helsing make constant sex jokes. At one point he challenges the Illuminati to a dance off, and does his best Napoleon Dynamite impression. The smartest thing the filmmakers did, is acknowledge the limits of their crappy cgi, and make every character either alien, wearing a helmet, or half crocodile, except for space bigfoot, so they didn’t have to animate them talking in any sort of convincing way. Yeah, you read that right, you don’t ever actually get to see Donald Trump’s face except for in shadows and behind reflective visor, and when you can see it, it’s as orange as his space suit. And for some reason the alien space suits have warning stickers written in English. Just to make it clear, there is absolutely no reason for this character to be a Trump clone, especially since he doesn’t have any bit of Trump’s personality, either in adoration or in mockery. Unless you count the prophecy about him going to hell. And the movie ends in a cliff hanger like there’s going to be a sequel! The credits list someone as “Trump’s Chinese Clone Stunt Double.” How does a character that is entirely cgi need a stunt double?!?If you have 70 minutes to kill, I highly suggest you sit down in front of your tv and watch it. Don’t watch this movie, don’t even turn on the tv. In fact unplug it and then sit there and watch the tv doing nothing and you will be far more entertained than if you spent 70 minutes watching this movie.Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poo!  With your host, the surveyor of shitty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the terror of tiny town, the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth, the one of many, Allen Smithee! Written, Directed & Starring Allen SmitheeAssistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen SmitheeBoomMic Operator, Sound Editing & Music Allen SmitheeConstruction Coordinator The Amazing RandoMakeUp CrayolaCatering Soylent CorpAllen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloohttp://Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspoolhttp://Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

For tonights shitty cinema, I originally choose Spooks Run Wild. When I began to watch this movie and realized it was in black and white, i remembered there's the Cowardly Lion useage of the word "spooks"  and there's the War of Northern Aggression  To be honest I wasn't brave enough to find out which one it is. Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poooooooooo! ... And now your host .... the surveyor of shitty cinema! ... the mocker of moronic movies! ... the terror of tiny town! ...  the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth! ... the one of many! … Allen Smitheeeeeeeee! Written, Directed, and Starring: Allen SmitheeAssistant Director, Producer, and Stunt Coordinator: Allen SmitheeBoom-Mic Operator, Sound Editing, and Music by Allen Smithee.Construction Coordinator: The Amazing RandoMake-Up by CrayolaCatering provided by the Soylent Corp.Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of the Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer-Shark-Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloo.http://Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspoolhttp://Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool

Tonight’s Sh*tty Cinema is “Ninja Cheerleaders.” They’re high school cheerleaders by day, go-go dancers by night, and ninjas … by dusk, I guess. The movie opens with one of the girls talking to her 60-year-old male teacher, but he’s clearly at a loss for words because he thinks she’s hot. Oh my! In the next scene, the middle-aged male cheerleading coach openly invites another cheerleader to go to Mexico with him. Oh my! But they do go out of the way to make sure we know the Ninja Cheerleaders are over 18, multiple times, so it’s okay, I guess.So anyway they’re go-go dancing at night to earn money to go to an Ivy League college. I mean, it’s Brown, the worst of the Ivy League, but still Ivy League. And tomorrow they’ll have all the money they need for tuition if they win the city strip-off competition, but alas, it’s the same day as final exams! Oh my! What this jiggle picture has over other jiggle pictures, is legitimate star power. Eric Stonestreet (Cam from Modern Family) plays “Beergut”. Even better, George Takei is both the Ninja Cheerleader’s dojo master and owner of the strip club. Oh my! I am slightly confused about how all the star power in a jiggle film is gay men, and not persons who are more appreciative of said jiggle. If you’re worried about too much jiggle in the movie, they filmed a total of about ten seconds of non-ninja cheerleader go-go-dancer bare breasts, and somehow spread it out over the entire movie in one-second increments, while a lesser movie would have just used random shots of Stonehenge. So Sulu gets kidnapped by the mob, for reasons, now they have to save him, ace their finals, and win the strip off all on the same day, while still learning a valuable lesson about friendship. Oh my! Luckily they find the time to do it all when they realize they won’t have to change clothes between cheerleading and the strip off. That should be a joke, but it’s not. They save even more time when they realize they can also do ninja moves in them.The police are chasing the mob, the mob wants the deed to the strip club for sentimental reasons (again, that should be a joke, but it’s not), and the teenage cheerleader ninja turt… I mean go go dancers are kicking ass all the way to save Takei … that is after they win the strip off, with one of their stepdads in the audience. He was so proud, just like he was her real dad.Turns out the lady ninjas didn’t need to save him, because he frees himself from the mob boss using a combination of the Vulcan nerve pinch and a titty twister, which again, should be a joke, but isn’t. Dark ninja, who only refers to herself in the third person, sword fighting with George Takei, blah blah blah. They go to Brown. The end. But there is a nice mid-credits scene that sets up the sequel, Ninja Cheerleaders 2: The Secret of the Ooze.Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poooooooooo! ... And now your host .... the surveyor of shitty cinema! ... the mocker of moronic movies! ... the terror of tiny town! ...  the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth! ... the one of many! … Allen Smitheeeeeeeee! Written, Directed, and Starring: Allen SmitheeAssistant Director, Producer, and Stunt Coordinator: Allen SmitheeBoom-Mic Operator, Sound Editing, and Music by Allen Smithee.Construction Coordinator: The Amazing RandoMake-Up by CrayolaCatering provided by the Soylent Corp.Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of the Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer-Shark-Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloo.http://Facebook.com/SilverScreenCesspoolhttp://Instagram.com/SilverScreenCesspool