Tonight’s Sh*tty Cinema is “Ninja Cheerleaders.” They’re high school cheerleaders by day, go-go dancers by night, and ninjas … by dusk, I guess.
The movie opens with one of the girls talking to her 60-year-old male teacher, but he’s clearly at a loss for words because he thinks she’s hot. Oh my! In the next scene, the middle-aged male cheerleading coach openly invites another cheerleader to go to Mexico with him. Oh my! But they do go out of the way to make sure we know the Ninja Cheerleaders are over 18, multiple times, so it’s okay, I guess.
So anyway they’re go-go dancing at night to earn money to go to an Ivy League college. I mean, it’s Brown, the worst of the Ivy League, but still Ivy League. And tomorrow they’ll have all the money they need for tuition if they win the city strip-off competition, but alas, it’s the same day as final exams! Oh my!
What this jiggle picture has over other jiggle pictures, is legitimate star power. Eric Stonestreet (Cam from Modern Family) plays “Beergut”. Even better, George Takei is both the Ninja Cheerleader’s dojo master and owner of the strip club. Oh my! I am slightly confused about how all the star power in a jiggle film is gay men, and not persons who are more appreciative of said jiggle. If you’re worried about too much jiggle in the movie, they filmed a total of about ten seconds of non-ninja cheerleader go-go-dancer bare breasts, and somehow spread it out over the entire movie in one-second increments, while a lesser movie would have just used random shots of Stonehenge.
So Sulu gets kidnapped by the mob, for reasons, now they have to save him, ace their finals, and win the strip off all on the same day, while still learning a valuable lesson about friendship. Oh my! Luckily they find the time to do it all when they realize they won’t have to change clothes between cheerleading and the strip off. That should be a joke, but it’s not. They save even more time when they realize they can also do ninja moves in them.
The police are chasing the mob, the mob wants the deed to the strip club for sentimental reasons (again, that should be a joke, but it’s not), and the teenage cheerleader ninja turt… I mean go go dancers are kicking ass all the way to save Takei … that is after they win the strip off, with one of their stepdads in the audience. He was so proud, just like he was her real dad.
Turns out the lady ninjas didn’t need to save him, because he frees himself from the mob boss using a combination of the Vulcan nerve pinch and a titty twister, which again, should be a joke, but isn’t.
Dark ninja, who only refers to herself in the third person, sword fighting with George Takei, blah blah blah. They go to Brown. The end.
But there is a nice mid-credits scene that sets up the sequel, Ninja Cheerleaders 2: The Secret of the Ooze.
Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poooooooooo! ... And now your host .... the surveyor of shitty cinema! ... the mocker of moronic movies! ... the terror of tiny town! ... the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth! ... the one of many! … Allen Smitheeeeeeeee!
Written, Directed, and Starring: Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer, and Stunt Coordinator: Allen Smithee
Boom-Mic Operator, Sound Editing, and Music by Allen Smithee.
Construction Coordinator: The Amazing Rando
Make-Up by Crayola
Catering provided by the Soylent Corp.
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of the Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer-Shark-Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloo.
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