Tonight’s film flop is “Steven Kang’s Sharks of The Corn.” Now you may be expecting a Children of the Corn knockoff but with Sharks instead of kids. And honestly, that would have made more sense.
The movie opens with a woman trying to seduce the local Kentucky county fair’s corn-eating champion, but he’s drunk, so the obvious course of action is to invite him to chase her through the saddest-looking cornfield ever as she removes the four layers of clothing she was wearing leaving them sexily hanging from stalks of corn. But almost as soon as her breasts are exposed she's eaten by a shark.
Random shot of Stonehenge.
But maybe it's not a real shark, maybe it's this serial killer dude wearing a gaiter with a shark jaw print, who shows up in the next scene and kills a hooker with a museum gift shop shark jaw. Damn it Bruce, hookers are friends, not food!
Random different shot of Stonehenge.
So then a police officer, who makes your average mall cop look like a rocket surgeon, attempts, and fails a dozen times, to put yellow police tape around thirty stalks of corn, while a detective questions the unbothered corn chomping champ thirty feet away right next to the dead body. Just to be clear, the police tape was not going around the dead body, just corn. Making this scene even more wonderful, the detective was speaking to the police officer over the radio despite being ten feet away and in the same shot. The police uniform is a police badge on a white shirt, half covering up the embroidery of the company logo that was actually on the shirt.
Yet another random shot of Stonehenge.
So the duo of crack international thieves, or maybe ninjas, or military special forces rolls up in a Kia Soul, breaks into the open air shed of a shark cult under the cover of partly cloudy by slightly crouching with the aid of black ski masks and black short sleeve t-shirts. They steal a baby shark in a bottle, and the shed blows up despite nothing remaining in the shed but cobwebs. Not even electricity. Then they get killed by a guy shooting spitballs out of a Starbucks straw without reloading.
Then another boxum woman enters the corn field calling out for her lover. I don't why everyone wants to bump uglies in this cornfield, because it's not the cornfield across from my old high school. But this woman runs into Bigfoot instead.
Random CGI rendering of Stonehenge.
This movie spent all its makeup, costuming and SFX budget at Spirit Halloween on November 5th.
And we're only 20 minutes in. I can't write fast enough to keep up with this movie. The corn goes from tall and green in one scene to dry and standing in the next and then back again and everywhere in between. We get the expected shark fin scene, but it's clearly going through a wheat field, not corn. In the police station, the wanted posters are four copies of Ted Bundy’s wanted poster, another four of the Zodiac killer (I think), and a few appear to actually be fliers for a band playing in the bar next door.
Random
Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poooooooooo! ... And now your host .... the surveyor of shitty cinema! ... the mocker of moronic movies! ... the terror of tiny town! ... the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth! ... the one of many! … Allen Smitheeeeeeeee!
Written, Directed, and Starring: Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer, and Stunt Coordinator: Allen Smithee
Boom-Mic Operator, Sound Editing, and Music by Allen Smithee.
Construction Coordinator: The Amazing Rando
Make-Up by Crayola
Catering provided by the Soylent Corp.
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of the Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer-Shark-Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloo.
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