Tonight’s cgi cinematic stinker is “Trump vs the Illuminati.” 

The year is 3024, and the earth was distroyed 1000 years ago when Donald Trump started a nuclear war. The last survivor of the human race lives on Mars and he’s a Chinese made exact clone of Donald Trump except he’s immortal and has huge hands. For … uhm … reasons he’s become the center of the war been The Illuminati, who are aliens lead by Allister Crowly, who sounds suspiciously like the Mark Hammil joker, and the Atlanteans (or possibly Atlanta-ian’s, it’s unclear if they’re supposed to be from Atlantis or Atlanta) who are also aliens, lead in part by Van Helsing. 

As the last human alive, Trump spends most of the film darkly brooding, narrating his life and pondering the meaning of existence.  He monologues a lot. The illuminati monologue a lot. The citizens of Atlanta monologue a lot. Alister Crowley and Van Helsing make constant sex jokes. At one point he challenges the Illuminati to a dance off, and does his best Napoleon Dynamite impression. 

The smartest thing the filmmakers did, is acknowledge the limits of their crappy cgi, and make every character either alien, wearing a helmet, or half crocodile, except for space bigfoot, so they didn’t have to animate them talking in any sort of convincing way. Yeah, you read that right, you don’t ever actually get to see Donald Trump’s face except for in shadows and behind reflective visor, and when you can see it, it’s as orange as his space suit. And for some reason the alien space suits have warning stickers written in English. 

Just to make it clear, there is absolutely no reason for this character to be a Trump clone, especially since he doesn’t have any bit of Trump’s personality, either in adoration or in mockery. 

Unless you count the prophecy about him going to hell. 

And the movie ends in a cliff hanger like there’s going to be a sequel! 

The credits list someone as “Trump’s Chinese Clone Stunt Double.” How does a character that is entirely cgi need a stunt double?!?

If you have 70 minutes to kill, I highly suggest you sit down in front of your tv and watch it. Don’t watch this movie, don’t even turn on the tv. In fact unplug it and then sit there and watch the tv doing nothing and you will be far more entertained than if you spent 70 minutes watching this movie.

Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool! Where we review the poo!  With your host, the surveyor of shitty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the terror of tiny town, the last known survivor of Battlefield Earth, the one of many, Allen Smithee!

Written, Directed & Starring Allen Smithee
Assistant Director, Producer & Stunt Coordinator Allen Smithee
BoomMic Operator, Sound Editing & Music Allen Smithee
Construction Coordinator The Amazing Rando
MakeUp Crayola
Catering Soylent Corp
Allen Smithee will be back in Return of the Curse of the Planet of Prehistoric Bikini Ninjas Vs Kingdom of the Bride of the Killer Shark Cheerleaders 2 Electric Boogaloo

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