When Eric was 10, he asked God to save him. Not from hell. From life. Because his father terrified him, his faith confused him, & there was pain inside he didn’t understand & wouldn’t go away. So Eric spent nearly 30 years trying to fix himself.Marriage, money, sex, drugs, spirituality, & psychedelic therapy…Could anything take away his pain?Chapters(00:00) Intro clip(02:32) Eric cries out to god. (03:43)  Church of spies.(05:48) The incident with his father he wrote down. (10:07)  “Traces” of sexual abuse.(12:05) Chronic depression since childhood. (13:20) Eric gets married. (18:35) Becoming a “sinner.”(21:55) The OxyContin incident. (25:25) The mushroom trip that changed things. (31:38) A new church, a spiritual world.  (35:06) Peyote vs mushrooms. (37:17) Ayahuasca. (43:48) What has Eric learned?

After 22 years together, Rick’s wife changed his life with five words: “I don’t love you anymore.”Rick was on a roller coaster, heading toward his unfinished past, their uncertain future, & one uncanny therapy: Psychedelic drugs.Chapters(00:00) Intro clip(02:32) The event that led to Rick using psychedelic therapy. (02:44) How Rick met his wife.(04:11) Growing up never fitting in. (5:50) Rick’s will to win. (07:31) Why Rick skipped speech class.(07:39) Rick gets walked out of school. (09:08) Where did the darkness come from? (10:00) “Oh, you’re his son?” (10:27) Rick in the Navy.(11:28) Rick goes to college. (11:51) One of the secrets Rick never told his wife. (13:34) “Why couldn’t you have told me this a year ago?”(14:17) Another blow. (15:52) Rick’s career takes off. (19:46) Sending their son to boarding school. (22:59) Another secret he never told his wife. (24:21) Rick goes to “Warrior Week.”(27:27) Rick starts researching psychedelics. (28:29) The first psychedelic session with his wife. (36:43) “But don’t lose it.”(38:51) “You know what you need to do.” (40:57) The second psychedelic session. (42:41) Rick’s life now.

In 2022, Susan discovered her husband’s history of infidelity.The betrayal pulled the rug from under her life & uncovered hidden pain from yet another betrayal: The sexual abuse she had suffered as a child at the hands of her grandfather. Susan was overwhelmed — pushing her to attempt suicide. But her husband intercepted her, & begged her to try psychedelic therapy. He felt it was helping him heal from the pain that drove his addictions, & he believed it could help her too. Susan took her husband’s advice. & started working with her husband’s psychedelic guide, Tim. In her first sessions, Susan faced the pain of her tortured past for the first time, &, she believes, began to heal as well. She continued her trauma work in the sessions that followed. They returned again & again to address specific traumatic events. Most substances she found helpful. She used a combination of MDMA and psychedelic mushrooms — as well as Ketamine by itself — throughout her treatment. But not all substances. Her experience with Iboga, source of the psychedelic Ibogain, left her frustrated. Even so, she felt progress. Over time, she peeled back the layers of betrayal & faced new questions: Like, was there a reason this all happened to her? Chapters(00:00) Intro clip(03:28) Susan recounts the boat memory.(07:20) Susan recounts the hallway memory.(09:25) Was this betrayal worse because you thought you were safe?(11:07) Susan sees life from the perspectives of everyone who hurt her.(17:07) Did your guide see things from an reincarnation perspective?(17:36) Susan discovers her “soul contract.” (20:03) Susan reads her “soul contract” session transcript. (26:06) What was the experience of finding your soul contract like?(31:25) What was the day-to-day work of getting better like?(33:56) What’s your focus now?(36:53) How were you able to make so much progress so fast?

Susan had been betrayed from almost birth. But she didn’t feel it until her fifties. She didn’t feel it until her adult world was also turned upside down by betrayal. As the repressed pain burst to the surface, Susan struggled. She eventually turned to psychedelic therapy, with one question consuming her: Could she heal years of betrayal?Chapters(00:00) Intro clip(01:33) Notes on how we’re implementing fact-checking. (03:30) Why did you start doing psychedelics for therapy?(08:06) Could you see & trust your husband was changing while you were going through so much?(10:21) Did you or your husband use traditional psychotherapy before psychedelics?(12:56) The first psychedelic therapy session.(14:50) Had you changed the abuse in your mind? (21:59) Did the fact that your grandfather served jail time provide any relief?  (25:24) What happened in your life after psychedelics surfaced the trauma? (26:55) How did ketamine help you?(29:14) Did you ever regret doing psychedelic therapy?(30:35) Could you give an example of how trauma had negatively impacted you in ways you were aware of before this therapy?(33:03) Could you explain how trauma impacted how you saw the world?(37:11) What was the next big psychedelic session?(41:48) Susan experiences her grandfather as a child. (45:43) Andy & Susan talk about experiencing sexual abuse as a child and the power of forgiveness.

Kylie grew up in a deeply religious community. She felt her world was strictly prescribed from the beginning, limited to a certain set of beliefs, a certain group of people, and just one future:Being a mother. But this never sat right with Kylie. While these beliefs were part of her home, they never felt like home. So, despite being told who she was from before she was born, she never knew it, herself. At 21, things started to change. Her mother, seeing her confusion, told Kylie it might be a good idea for her to seek a new life in another state. Kylie immediately agreed and left her family, as well as her faith, behind her.   What she didn’t leave behind, however, was a secret. You see, before Kylie left, she had gotten pregnant. And, in a moment that remains a mystery to her even to this day, she decided not to keep it. Because of how her community felt about abortion, Kylie only had herself during this time. She figured out the logistics alone, went to the clinic alone, and drove back alone. And for years, aside from the man she had been involved with, she bore the weight of the secret alone, too. Now out on her own, Kylie started to discover herself. Rather than taking a corporate job, Kylie became a dance instructor. Instead of awkward, she realized she could move well. Instead of hiding her body under modest clothing, in her dancewear, she saw she could be beautiful. The people around her were a discovery, too. They embraced life, expression, and sexuality in a way she had never seen before. To her, it was the kind of love and acceptance she had always hoped but struggled to find in her home community.  Kylie would continue to make big changes over the next several years. She moved from coast to coast twice, changing jobs and partners along the way. But despite all her experiences, she still didn’t feel satisfied. So, about ten years after her pregnancy, alone in her bedroom, Kylie started MDMA therapy. She could feel the power as the drug came on. That power would carry her through an experience with what she describes as the “greater spirit,” a moment-by-moment reliving of her abortion, and living through an entire alternative life: One where she was married, had kids, lived fully, and died understanding what that path could bring her. To hear Kylie’s full account of that experience, listen to the previous episode: Who am I? These solo journeys felt very instructive to Kylie. To her, they were a reminder that her life was part of the great life, that her story was a thread of the universe’s story. She felt she now understood how God could make sense. She realized the only person who could know her the way she wished to be known was her, and her alone. Kylie continued to do solo sessions. One in particular — which combined MDMA and psilocybin — quite literally brought her to her knees. Chapters:(00:00) Intro clip.(02:08) Kylie’s story.(05:45) Kylie’s MDMA + Psilosybn experience.(07:29) Kylie dances “with the universe.”(10:54) Kylie on the themes in her experiences.(12:46) Kylie starts telling the story of her first community MDMA experience.(13:48) PSA dosage references in episode.(15:16) The night Kylie did MDMA with “100,000” people.(21:20) How Kylie finds answers inside her.(25:30) How Kylie thinks of her identity now. (26:47) How Kylie uses her perspective in difficult situations. (28:54) What is the difference between your outlook and spiritual bypassing?(33:09) Where do you see yourself in 30 years?

From before she could remember, Kylie was told exactly who she was & should be. The only problem: It never felt like the truth to her. So Kylie decided to find herself, herself.Carrying a painful secret, she left her home and her faith on a journey to answer one question: Who am I? A question she’d confront head-on during MDMA therapy.(00:00) Intro clip(02:42) What was it like growing up for you? (05:45) What’s an example of you being taught something that caused you resentment?(11:22) How did you make the decision to break out on your own?(15:06) What was making decisions like out on your own? (20:00) What was your first MDMA experience like?(23:09) How the Tao Te Ching helped Kylie. (25:09) Kylie’s experience with psychedelics before MDMA. (26:28) MDMA comes on. (27:21) “Spiritual” experience with MDMA begins. (30:07) The feeling she’d “always craved.”(36:38) What did you bring up? Kylie’s abortion story. (38:50) What perspective did MDMA give you on your abortion?(41:38) What did you feel when you relived your abortion?(42:43) Kylie’s liminal experience: the voice of her child. (51:35) What did you think of yourself before and after the MDMA experience?(54:36) How did all this feel coming up?(55:10) How did you tell yourself the story of the abortion?(58:29) Kylie lives another life (and dies).Notes: To focus this episode, we cut discussions around Kylie's brothers and father, differences between religious and non-religious people, and one concerning experiences that showed her how far she had come. We consulted with Kylie, and she approved this flow. Other edits are limited to dead space, audio blemishes, unnecessary words, and unessential content.

After his relationship with Emily ended, John moved to a new city & dove headfirst into Ayahuasca.With the help of Liam, a modern shaman, John faced ego death, repressed anger, & a troubling question:What was the nature of his godfather’s love for him growing up?(00:00) Intro clip(02:54) What happened after your relationship with Emily ended?(07:15) How did you come into your power?(08:57) Can you take us through your ayahuasca experiences in as much detail as you can?(14:20) Your relationship with ayahuasca sounds similar to your relationship with the powerful women in your life. Are there parallels there for you?(18:25) John looks for evidence of abuse at the hands of his godfather.(21:32) What it feels like to answer a difficult question on ayahuasca.(23:17) What could happen if you don’t resolve questions,(24:58) How John approaches the fear of difficult questions.(26:33) What do you mean, “It’s never fully over?”(29:13) Facing repressed anger.(39:57) Why John thinks being experienced with psychedelics doesn’t mean wisdom.(42:35) Why John has more anxiety with psychedelics now than when he started.(45:46) How has this fear impacted your use of psychedelics?

In college, John was fascinated by the fringes of human experience. It was at the fringes where he learned about psychedelic therapy. It was also there, during his first MDMA experience, where he fell in love with Emily.  But that love didn’t last. And in the wake of disappointment, John couldn’t help but wonder:  Was the love real… or only a high? (00:00) Intro clip (03:12) When did you start using psychedelics therapeutically? (08:38) How did learning about schizophrenia play a role in your belief in empathy as the key to ending human suffering? (13:28) Were you drawn to psychedelic therapy because you are drawn to extremes? (18:12) What was the exact focus of your research? (20:40) Were you worried your first psychedelic experience could cause you to develop schizophrenia? (23:29) Can you describe your first psychedelic experience in detail? (31:51) Emily and John begin their relationship. (33:11) Did Emily have experiences with psychedelics? (34:44) What was your relationship experience before Emily? (37:37) Could you separate your relationship with Emily from your first psychedelic experience? (38:32) What was specifically unhealthy about your relationship with Emily? (40:23) What ways were you powerless in the relationship? (46:15) Why did Emily ask you to redo the proposal? Did you do psychedelics after MDMA at this point? (49:52) When the relationship fell apart, did it make you question the reality of the MDMA experience where you fell in love with Emily? What do you believe now?

For his whole life, Daniel wanted to connect with God. He tried yet didn’t find that connection in religion. But he did, in psychedelics. As a result, these spiritual experiences were now the center of his life. Then, Daniel was confronted with a question he didn’t expect: Had his love for psychedelics become an addiction? Chapters:  (00:00) Intro clip (03:04) When and what was your first psychedelic experience like?  (10:26) Did you attempt to have a religious experience through other means besides psychedelics?  (12:04) Did you find the religious experience you were looking for in your early psychedelic use?  (13:43) What was the strong religious experience you had on psychedelics? (17:27) What’s your intention and preparation like for your psychedelic experiences? (21:53) More about how addiction came up in a psychedelic journey. (33:33) What is your sober life like — especially after this experience? (36:26) Psychedelics feel so real. How can they be used as an escape? (41:01) What does it mean to be addicted to something core to your true self? (43:54) What are you concerned you’re missing in sober life? (46:08) More on why a psychedelic experience told him to spend more time sober. (47:26) Why is suicide a solution? (50:11) What can you get in reality that you can’t in psychedelic experiences?

To Andy, psychedelics were magic.  A portal he discovered in high school and never forgot it as an adult.  But psychedelics were also pain. Particularly mushrooms. He’d take them hoping for a high, but psilocybin often had other plans. Noise flooded his mind. He worried about what everyone around him was saying. He worried about what everyone was thinking. He worried about everything so much he “couldn’t even process [his] own thoughts.” “Life,” he said, “would get way too real.” So  Andy stepped away from psychedelics.  But it wasn’t just because of amplified anxiety. It was also because he feared he’d crash into something that would make him go “crazy”:  Memories of long-term sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. Chapters (00:00) Intro clip (02:54) When did you start using psychedelics therapeutically?  (04:34) What do you mean by scared the whole time on mushrooms?  (06:57) What were you scared of coming across on mushrooms that you couldn’t handle?  (10:38) Did you face your childhood trauma on MDMA? (10:52) Can you explain what did come up on MDMA?  (19:43) How are you living differently since the MDMA experience? (20:33) Did you ever doubt the realizations you had on MDMA?  (21:33) What was the MDMA experience like — in detail?  (24:18) Did your MDMA experience give you the confidence to take mushrooms again? (30:14) What is the self-criticism you experience on Mushrooms like — in detail?  (32:16) Why did the OCD you experienced growing up,  start?  (32:35) Did the OCD start when you were little?  (33:10) Was your OCD always religious?  (35:40) Did this come up in your mushroom experience?  (41:09) Andy’s breakthrough into love. (44:39) Andy explodes with love for his partner  (47:27) Why don’t you share your love with people more?  (48:44) Can you explain the relationship you had with your abuser?  (50:09) What has your abuser been through? (52:51) Andy thinks of his abuser as a child on mushrooms.