This week, Lindsay wraps up her month long love series chatting about sex, timelines for sex and chemistry. She overthinks...does chemistry last a lifetime? What's the difference between passionate and companion love, is one better than the other? Ready? Let's overthink it. If you like this week’s show, listen to Do We Need To Rethink Dating?Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

This week, Lindsay overthinks how her generation (X) views coupling up. Plus, advice on dating and relationships she wishes she knew sooner.If you like this episode, you may also like, Overthinking Attachment Styles.Thank you for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

This week, Lindsay shares her nightmare Valentine's Day story and a few tips to get through the most “romantic day” on the calendar. If you liked this episode, you may also like Chatting with my Ex recorded last year. Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

In this episode, Lindsay helps you understand your attachment style in love and dating and overthinks her own experience with a past anxious attachment style.You may also enjoy: The relationship expert returns (to talk dating)Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.This post is public so feel free to share it.TranscriptWelcome to Overthinking in Your Underwear.0:00:15.108 --> 0:00:23.831I'm Lindsay, and this week we are overthinking attachment styles, or specifically my anxious attachment style, which has changed.0:00:24.432 --> 0:00:27.913But I rocked that for years, you guys.0:00:28.313 --> 0:00:31.134And if you've listened to this podcast before, thank you.0:00:32.201 --> 0:00:34.402I've talked about attachment styles before.0:00:34.422 --> 0:00:39.703Ryan and I touched on it when I talked to Jill Simpson, relationship expert Jill.0:00:41.264 --> 0:00:44.805We talked about it before, but we've never really dug into it.0:00:44.905 --> 0:00:48.666I always just kind of breezed over it like, do you guys want to talk about attachment styles?0:00:48.686 --> 0:00:54.028Because it's one of my favorite subjects, but I've never just done kind of like a whole thing on0:00:55.045 --> 0:00:56.366Let me tell you how I got here.0:00:56.386 --> 0:01:10.833I kind of always knew I had like a little bit of a like a codependent thing going on, which is really hilarious now because there's like no one who rides solo harder than me.0:01:11.013 --> 0:01:13.694Like I am party of one and0:01:14.568 --> 0:01:17.275I go everywhere alone with my dog.0:01:17.295 --> 0:01:19.882I love to be alone.0:01:19.902 --> 0:01:21.246I don't want to date.0:01:21.486 --> 0:01:22.449I don't want to partner up.0:01:23.554 --> 0:01:28.175I really like being alone and partnership is not my gig.0:01:28.756 --> 0:01:40.199But when I was younger, I just was sort of like that person that always wanted to be with a best friend before romantic partners came into the picture.0:01:40.259 --> 0:01:42.000I always wanted to be with my best friend.0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:44.527I was thinking about this last night for some reason, even before I knew I was going to put this in this podcast.0:01:44.564 --> 0:01:51.545My best friend Lindsay and I, I always wanted to be with Lindsay when I was little, like probably more than Lindsay wanted to be with me.0:01:51.565 --> 0:01:56.246I always wanted to do everything with Lindsay everywhere we went.0:01:56.386 --> 0:02:05.527And I know that's like probably kind of normal when you're like a young, when you're like a young girl and you're like, you know, in your 11 to tween years.0:02:05.647 --> 0:02:07.428But everywhere Lindsay went, I wanted to go.0:02:07.528 --> 0:02:09.068Everything Lindsay did, I wanted to do.0:02:09.773 --> 0:02:15.777And that was kind of like the beginning of my everywhere we go by Tuesday Tuesdays.0:02:15.897 --> 0:02:17.919That's that's kind of how I felt.0:02:19.019 --> 0:02:25.083Then I got not that Lindsay went away, but I got another best friend, Tricia, best friend, Tricia, who you've seen on here.0:02:25.544 --> 0:02:27.105And it was kind of like, oh, good.0:02:27.265 --> 0:02:28.806Let's go in pairs now, too.0:02:29.366 --> 0:02:32.408Obviously, this is like a normal young girl thing.0:02:32.468 --> 0:02:35.310This wasn't like anything that needed to be diagnosed clinically.0:02:35.511 --> 0:02:35.991I know that.0:02:37.109 --> 0:02:39.290So everywhere Tricia went, I wanted to go.0:02:39.310 --> 0:02:41.332We did everything together.0:02:41.472 --> 0:02:43.833It was like Lindsay and Tricia, Lindsay and Tricia.0:02:43.983 --> 0:02:45.324I'm always going to be partnered up.0:02:46.182 --> 0:02:49.664I'm always going to kind of like go where the other person went.0:02:49.844 --> 0:03:04.693Well, when things started to get romantic and when those partners started to turn to the opposite sex, it just seemed obvious to me that you would just get a boyfriend and do whatever they did, right?0:03:06.254 --> 0:03:12.358Not that I didn't have my own goals and I always knew I wanted to be a writer or knew I wanted to live in a big city.0:03:12.518 --> 0:03:14.780I had my own goals, but0:03:15.776 --> 0:03:19.522I needed to kind of like attach myself to somebody else, right?0:03:19.582 --> 0:03:24.370I needed to attach, had this anxious attachment style, like to feel safe.0:03:27.047 --> 0:03:30.209this kind of showed up a lot in my relationships.0:03:30.749 --> 0:03:37.133And I needed that other person there to feel okay, to feel safe, to like kind of guide me.0:03:38.002 --> 0:03:45.308So let's stop there before I continue down this road and like explain to you a little bit about attachment styles.0:03:45.700 --> 0:03:53.241So John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, originated the concept of infant and child attachment theory in the 1950s.0:03:54.222 --> 0:04:00.308Years later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth joined him to create what we understand today as attachment styles.0:04:01.049 --> 0:04:06.071Until the 1980s, attachment styles were kind of understood this way.0:04:06.991 --> 0:04:15.154Then researchers Hansen and Shaver got involved, extending the thinking to include how adults interact in a romantic setting.0:04:15.494 --> 0:04:23.197So originally it was about children, and then it was extended to understand how we interact as adults and in a love setting.0:04:24.276 --> 0:04:29.218So attachment styles are how we relate to other people, mostly in a romantic setting.0:04:29.918 --> 0:04:36.020Research says our attachment styles develop based on how we interacted with our primary caregivers and our formative years.0:04:36.500 --> 0:04:45.863You don't have to get too clinical or sciencey with attachment theory to recognize your style or see it in others and use it as a guide in relationships and dating.0:04:46.243 --> 0:04:51.805If you want to go way back to the womb, there are many books and resources available on the web to help you do so.0:04:52.891 --> 0:04:57.238So I read Attached, which is by, let me get that for you.0:04:57.705 --> 0:04:59.726Amir Levin and Rachel Heller.0:05:00.066 --> 0:05:01.366And it's really great.0:05:01.426 --> 0:05:04.207And I think they're two, you know, psychoanalysts, researchers.0:05:04.967 --> 0:05:06.848And it's a great book.0:05:06.888 --> 0:05:08.188It's really entertaining.0:05:08.729 --> 0:05:12.010And it also just outlines attachment theory in a way.0:05:12.110 --> 0:05:15.771It's adult attachment theory, the science behind love and adult attachment theory.0:05:16.371 --> 0:05:18.812You'll really understand it when you come to the end.0:05:18.892 --> 0:05:24.514So if you listen to this podcast and you're like, I'm really into attachment theory, get attached.0:05:25.674 --> 0:05:27.375You'll find it on Amazon if you Google it.0:05:27.535 --> 0:05:30.090First thing that comes up, really popular book.0:05:30.130 --> 0:05:43.935So the four major attachment styles are the secure attachment style, the avoidant attachment style, the anxious slash preoccupied attachment style, which I was just talking about earlier, and the fearful avoidant attachment style.0:05:44.257 --> 0:05:46.439So let's start with the secure attachment style.0:05:46.980 --> 0:05:54.227So as is evidenced by its name, this is the jackpot lottery winner of attachment styles, right?0:05:54.247 --> 0:05:55.728This is the one we all want.0:05:55.868 --> 0:05:59.171It's the one we should aim to have for ourselves and seek out in others.0:05:59.632 --> 0:06:06.779It's not to say you can't have a healthy, happy union when other attachment styles join up, but the secure partner is the best gamble.0:06:07.459 --> 0:06:34.242secure partners are confident in themselves alone or coupled up and they don't obsess about relationships or whether or not a partner likes them their self-worth is solid and intact regardless of relationships wins or losses their love they love easily and intimacy and intimacy is used as a way to get closer to their partners rather than a game or manipulation breakups or rejections are seen as part of daily life rather than assessment of who they are as a person in real life0:06:35.705 --> 0:06:35.865So this,0:06:50.526 --> 0:06:52.307This is a healthy relationship.0:06:52.327 --> 0:06:57.220This is someone with healthy self-worth, with healthy boundaries, with healthy communication, with positive self-worth, with positive self-image.0:06:57.220 --> 0:06:57.299So this is the one that we should all kind of work towards.0:06:57.359 --> 0:07:01.944And it's not even only working towards this attachment because0:07:02.834 --> 0:07:06.396We want to be a good partner, but you're happier in yourself.0:07:06.556 --> 0:07:14.721It's hard to be happy in a relationship if you're the anxious partner or the avoidant partner or the fearful avoidant partner.0:07:14.841 --> 0:07:22.965It doesn't feel good to be in a relationship if you're having all of those other feelings, which I'll get to when we go through these other ones too.0:07:23.406 --> 0:07:25.927But you're happiest when you're secure.0:07:25.947 --> 0:07:27.728You're happiest when your self-worth is good.0:07:28.352 --> 0:07:36.778when your self-image is good, and when you aren't jealous of your other partner, when you're not completely needy and dependent on your partner.0:07:36.898 --> 0:07:43.402So this is the one we should all seek to partner up with and to achieve in ourselves.0:07:44.667 --> 0:07:48.870I'm not even in a relationship, and I am like, I want to be a secure, attached person, right?0:07:48.930 --> 0:07:50.531I want to be a secure, attached person.0:07:51.587 --> 0:07:57.569for my friendships even, for family, for myself.0:07:58.010 --> 0:08:04.832I don't want to be too needy towards my friends or jealous towards friends.0:08:05.072 --> 0:08:11.966I think you can think of it as just even if you're not partnered up, this is the attachment style I want to have.0:08:12.183 --> 0:08:13.704The avoidant attachment.0:08:13.964 --> 0:08:18.087So for me, this is the fire engine red flag attachment style.0:08:18.127 --> 0:08:19.627It's also the attachment style.0:08:19.708 --> 0:08:24.430I think when we're all like, you know, we see all those TikToks of like, oh, my God.0:08:25.751 --> 0:08:31.054He's a red flag and this is why I like him or he's the bad boy and this is why I like him or whatever.0:08:31.114 --> 0:08:33.816I think we I think we I'm going to generalize.0:08:33.896 --> 0:08:35.357OK, here I'm going to generalize.0:08:35.397 --> 0:08:35.717Sorry.0:08:36.297 --> 0:08:40.000We all kind of go for the avoidant person at times.0:08:40.820 --> 0:08:44.263parts of our life because it's the chase.0:08:44.343 --> 0:08:45.383This is the chase.0:08:45.467 --> 0:08:47.229This is the he's not calling me back.0:08:47.749 --> 0:08:51.252This is the I text and he leaves me on read.0:08:51.672 --> 0:08:56.095This is the we go out and he doesn't call me back for three days.0:08:56.225 --> 0:09:00.373So for me, this is the fire engine red flag attachment style.0:09:00.933 --> 0:09:07.955Not because good people can't be avoidant, but because it's a personality that pulls us in and we have no means to change.0:09:08.095 --> 0:09:10.576That's important and we're going to come back to it.0:09:11.196 --> 0:09:15.596Avoidant types need their independence and flat out want to be alone in most cases.0:09:15.596 --> 0:09:21.025but they create pockets of closeness with people but will disappear at the quiver of commitment.0:09:21.034 --> 0:09:26.523Their emotions are impervious to manipulation because they don't spend too much time stressing about partnerships.0:09:26.963 --> 0:09:27.103So0:09:28.184 --> 0:09:29.585I think we've all seen that.0:09:29.765 --> 0:09:30.326Oh my gosh.0:09:30.426 --> 0:09:31.307I know I have.0:09:31.707 --> 0:09:36.591So they create pockets of closeness and then they disappear at the quiver of commitment.0:09:36.711 --> 0:09:38.152How many times have you guys seen that?0:09:38.733 --> 0:09:41.295That you, oh my God, we had the best night.0:09:41.315 --> 0:09:42.396We had the best weekend.0:09:42.416 --> 0:09:43.457We had the best trip.0:09:44.017 --> 0:09:46.139You have the best all of these things.0:09:46.319 --> 0:09:47.760And then all of a sudden they disappear.0:09:48.281 --> 0:09:50.322They couldn't even say the most amazing thing.0:09:50.382 --> 0:09:51.363And then they disappear.0:09:51.443 --> 0:09:52.044And you're like, well,0:09:52.584 --> 0:09:53.725I'm so confused.0:09:53.825 --> 0:09:59.008Well, you breached or they breached themselves, their intimacy boundary.0:09:59.408 --> 0:10:00.729Maybe they said something.0:10:01.110 --> 0:10:02.250Maybe they did something.0:10:02.330 --> 0:10:03.791Maybe the trip was too much.0:10:03.891 --> 0:10:05.853Maybe meeting your friends was too much.0:10:06.213 --> 0:10:07.494And then all of a sudden they're gone.0:10:07.594 --> 0:10:10.836And then you're sitting there, you're left with going through your head going,0:10:11.336 --> 0:10:11.977What did I say?0:10:12.057 --> 0:10:12.757What did I do?0:10:12.878 --> 0:10:14.059What did I wear?0:10:14.239 --> 0:10:15.780How much, what was that?0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:16.821What was too much?0:10:16.901 --> 0:10:18.202What was the step too far?0:10:18.662 --> 0:10:19.343What did I do?0:10:19.363 --> 0:10:20.644And it wasn't you.0:10:20.664 --> 0:10:23.526It was their intimacy boundary for themselves.0:10:23.727 --> 0:10:26.549And you couldn't, maybe it wasn't even you that crossed over it.0:10:26.589 --> 0:10:28.451Maybe they crossed over it for themselves.0:10:29.051 --> 0:10:31.852by saying something to you or whatever.0:10:31.872 --> 0:10:33.493And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.0:10:33.653 --> 0:10:36.534I've got to pull back because they are avoidant.0:10:36.674 --> 0:10:38.234And that's not your problem.0:10:38.855 --> 0:10:41.216That is their attachment style.0:10:43.977 --> 0:10:47.178The last part of this I think is interesting too because I have been here.0:10:47.218 --> 0:10:52.820Their emotions are impervious to manipulation because they don't spend too much time stressing about partnerships.0:10:53.680 --> 0:10:57.882I have been with like one of the most avoidant people I've ever met.0:10:58.782 --> 0:11:02.703And I was always trying to like manipulate his emotions, which I'm not proud of.0:11:02.723 --> 0:11:04.688I am not proud of this, but I would like, you know, send him a text and like, I don't even know.0:11:04.688 --> 0:11:08.923And I would just kind of do things to – well, like here's the most basic thing that I think we've probably all done.0:11:08.963 --> 0:11:14.929It's like, well, I'm not going to text him for a couple days and then he'll see how that feels.0:11:15.149 --> 0:11:17.031Well, no, he doesn't because he doesn't give a s**t.0:11:17.991 --> 0:11:23.476Or when he texts me, I'm going to text him one word back and see how that feels.0:11:24.237 --> 0:11:28.741He doesn't care because he's not overthinking it the way you're overthinking it.0:11:29.101 --> 0:11:35.186His emotions are impervious to manipulation because he is avoidant and you're anxious about the relationship.0:11:35.647 --> 0:11:53.141So don't waste your time overthinking that and know that you're with an avoidant person and either accept it and say, okay, this is what I've bought into and I'm on this ride and here we go, or walk away because you are with someone who cannot be manipulated.0:11:53.421 --> 0:11:56.425And you are with someone that is not going to change and it has nothing to do with you.0:11:56.785 --> 0:11:58.427It has nothing to do with you.0:11:58.687 --> 0:12:08.979And you're not going to change it by cute outfits and the best date ever and just the right way you twirled your hair and just the best blowout.0:12:09.519 --> 0:12:10.700Nothing's going to change it.0:12:11.340 --> 0:12:16.444So this is his attachment style, her attachment style, their attachment style.0:12:16.925 --> 0:12:22.589And they're going to have to do work, like actual work to change it, actual time to change it.0:12:23.009 --> 0:12:25.891Sometimes time changes attachment styles, which we'll get to.0:12:26.351 --> 0:12:31.895So you doing these like little things, whatever, like you're just wasting your time.0:12:32.151 --> 0:12:38.397So here we're going to get to ding, ding, ding, what I have talked about, my attachment style.0:12:39.097 --> 0:12:39.598Not anymore.0:12:40.238 --> 0:12:41.680Like I said, I had it growing up.0:12:41.983 --> 0:12:42.010I'm sorry.0:12:42.091 --> 0:12:44.373The anxious preoccupied attachment style.0:12:45.450 --> 0:12:48.932So this is the unsteady or insecure attachment style.0:12:49.112 --> 0:12:57.837This partner craves closeness and constant togetherness, not because of need or intimacy, but because of insecurity within themselves.0:12:57.917 --> 0:12:58.758That's really important.0:12:59.098 --> 0:13:07.763This partner is overly sensitive and may be suspicious and even paranoid, even in a loving and faithful relationship.0:13:08.303 --> 0:13:10.925The anxious type may end up in a healthy relationship.0:13:11.385 --> 0:13:11.825I'm sorry.0:13:12.065 --> 0:13:14.707The anxious type may end up in an unhealthy relationship.0:13:15.874 --> 0:13:20.117Because of their willingness to stay with a partner regardless of bad behavior.0:13:20.137 --> 0:13:21.738Ooh, that hurt.0:13:22.619 --> 0:13:27.582This partner needs constant affirmation about your feelings and their standing in the relationship.0:13:27.963 --> 0:13:38.130They text repeatedly while you're at work or out with your friends to reassure themselves about your connection despite your constant behavior and consistent signs of affection.0:13:38.650 --> 0:13:38.930Wow.0:13:39.271 --> 0:13:39.571Okay.0:13:41.873 --> 0:13:42.673That's from my book.0:13:42.733 --> 0:13:43.774And I still was like, wow.0:13:44.074 --> 0:13:48.161Not because of what the writing was so good, but because it like hit home so much for me.0:13:48.456 --> 0:14:07.500I acted like this so many times in relationships and it runs the gamut from having really wonderful boyfriends who could not have shown up more for me, who could not have been more consistent, who could not have been more loving, more reaffirming.0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:13.841And I still, like when they were out of my sight too much, I would get like a little bit anxious about,0:14:14.441 --> 0:14:17.405And I still had that like need for togetherness.0:14:18.145 --> 0:14:24.432And I still had that need to like call and reaffirm and just check, kind of like reaching your hand out.0:14:24.552 --> 0:14:25.513Are you still there?0:14:27.916 --> 0:14:32.801And I will say with the really good partners, I did feel safer.0:14:33.042 --> 0:14:35.865You know, I felt better, but I was still a little bit anxious.0:14:36.838 --> 0:14:40.680Um, and there was the constant affirmation of like, do you love me?0:14:40.820 --> 0:14:45.202I was still anxious, even in the good, in the good relationships.0:14:46.282 --> 0:14:49.320Then in bad relationships off the charts, um,0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:54.614Then I had the bad relationships where I was constantly anxious, constantly paranoid of them doing something.0:14:54.734 --> 0:14:57.395I mean, the flip side of that is they actually were doing something.0:14:57.415 --> 0:14:57.457So I'm kind of like, oh, I mean, was I really just really smart and I knew they were doing something?0:14:57.457 --> 0:14:59.892Like, did I have really good instincts or was I anxious?0:14:59.912 --> 0:15:00.892I mean, come on.0:15:02.393 --> 0:15:06.536So, yeah, I mean, the thing I want to reaffirm about this is.0:15:07.545 --> 0:15:13.730Working through your attachment style to get to a secure attachment style0:15:15.227 --> 0:15:16.647is beneficial for you.0:15:16.768 --> 0:15:18.448It's not beneficial for your partners.0:15:19.608 --> 0:15:28.631I mean, I'm sure your partners would say it is, but it's beneficial for you in your life to feel better, to feel more secure, to not have that anxiety.0:15:31.052 --> 0:15:38.454So yeah, like I said, I think back and I'm like, oh gosh, I don't want to feel like that in a partnership anymore.0:15:38.554 --> 0:15:40.275Like I do not want to feel like that.0:15:40.534 --> 0:15:40.542And we'll get to that in a minute.0:15:40.622 --> 0:15:47.666So the fearful avoidant attachment style, what I have read is fortunately this attachment style is not very common.0:15:47.786 --> 0:15:52.669I think it comes from a lot of like personality disorders, things like that.0:15:54.190 --> 0:15:57.793It's a hard one to have for yourself, and it's a hard one to be partnered up with.0:15:58.853 --> 0:16:03.557This partner is avoidant of getting close to others for fear of getting hurt or abandoned.0:16:04.197 --> 0:16:12.503In retaliation, they will act out with aggression when they sense closeness or when they sense closeness.0:16:13.023 --> 0:16:15.565So this partner is uncomfortable with intimacy.0:16:16.106 --> 0:16:18.687When closeness occurs, instead of pulling away...0:16:20.032 --> 0:16:23.273they start a fight, possibly name calling or worse.0:16:23.393 --> 0:16:29.196It's disorienting, chaotic, confusing because it's so inconsistent.0:16:29.336 --> 0:16:32.657Like it's like kind of the love bombing and then the fighting.0:16:33.076 --> 0:16:40.715And if you have it in yourself, and if you are coupled up with this, it's probably a really unhealthy, toxic relationship.0:16:40.856 --> 0:16:41.016So0:16:44.451 --> 0:16:55.076So if hearing all of this, you have pinpointed who you are, or if you have not, search attachment style quizzes just in your little Google bar there.0:16:55.957 --> 0:17:00.799There's plenty of attachment style quizzes to like help you figure out who you are.0:17:00.819 --> 0:17:11.499Or like I said, grab that book attached and it will, I can't imagine by the end you won't, you won't have pinpointed your attachment style and your partner's attachment style.0:17:11.538 --> 0:17:13.800So attachment styles can change throughout your life.0:17:14.220 --> 0:17:16.842You can start really anxious, like I was saying.0:17:16.862 --> 0:17:18.764I moved to avoidant.0:17:19.304 --> 0:17:24.288Like I know there was this part in my life where I was pushing everyone away.0:17:24.308 --> 0:17:27.731I was choosing partners that I knew would push me away.0:17:27.751 --> 0:17:35.057I was choosing partners that I knew wouldn't meet me in a secure place.0:17:35.297 --> 0:17:38.720So I just could avoid the whole partnership thing altogether.0:17:39.781 --> 0:17:43.605Um, I'm now kind of, I like to think I'm secure.0:17:43.665 --> 0:17:52.075I'm sure someone could argue I'm avoidant, but I like to think I'm in a secure place right now, but I am not dating.0:17:52.115 --> 0:17:56.060I just do not want to date, but I like to think I'm in a secure place.0:17:56.647 --> 0:17:58.909But I kind of, I like to think I've worked through my issues.0:17:59.029 --> 0:18:00.010Maybe I'm still avoidant.0:18:00.130 --> 0:18:00.631I don't know.0:18:02.232 --> 0:18:03.073You know, whatever.0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:08.164Here's the big wake up call of wisdom about this whole thing.0:18:08.916 --> 0:18:14.102You aren't going to give an avoidant partner so much space they finally become secure.0:18:14.843 --> 0:18:20.510Maybe they decide to change one day, but it won't be because you acted so cool they couldn't resist commitment.0:18:20.824 --> 0:18:28.847Similarly, if someone is insecure, you can love and support them in an effort toward their personal growth, but you can't do the work for them.0:18:29.268 --> 0:18:33.309As with everything, attachment styles are an inside job.0:18:34.009 --> 0:18:40.012It's only possible when someone demands a better connection to themselves and decides to change on their own.0:18:40.901 --> 0:18:52.263So when I read about Attachment Styles, I read that book Attached, it made me realize so many of my past relationships, the avoidant ones,0:18:53.810 --> 0:18:58.711All the effort I was putting in, all that work I was putting in was so futile, first of all.0:18:59.291 --> 0:19:01.112And it kind of made me let them go.0:19:01.132 --> 0:19:04.272I was like, what was I, like, that was not on me.0:19:05.093 --> 0:19:09.894They had an attachment style that was unchangeable, unmovable.0:19:10.534 --> 0:19:12.054If they change it one day, great.0:19:12.354 --> 0:19:13.634But it had nothing to do with me.0:19:13.694 --> 0:19:19.816And I was sitting there, you know, banging my head against a wall, banging my head against an avoidant attachment.0:19:20.836 --> 0:19:27.117thinking I could change it, trying to change it, maybe just because it was the game, maybe because it was the hardest thing to do.0:19:27.137 --> 0:19:28.338You know, who knows?0:19:29.518 --> 0:19:32.258But that was futile.0:19:32.278 --> 0:19:41.760And what I should have done and what I think I did start doing was going into dating situations going, huh, they're avoidant.0:19:42.321 --> 0:19:43.081No, thank you.0:19:43.201 --> 0:19:48.882Because I didn't want to waste my time on an attachment style that was impossible for me to change.0:19:49.782 --> 0:19:50.883They can only change it.0:19:50.923 --> 0:19:51.043And I...0:19:52.624 --> 0:19:59.269So if you're listening to this and you're wondering about your attachment style, I have a little exercise in the book that I talk about.0:20:00.350 --> 0:20:06.774Take out a piece of paper and a pen and think back to your last three relationships.0:20:07.655 --> 0:20:10.497What attachment styles, based on what you've learned –0:20:11.297 --> 0:20:30.752were your partners acting out and what were you bringing to the relationship is there a prominent style that's appearing in your partners are you always going for the avoidant are you always ending up with anxious people um are you secure and they're secure ding ding ding you win uh you can stop re you can stop listening0:20:31.614 --> 0:20:35.596Uh, do, did your styles change over time?0:20:35.616 --> 0:20:36.866Um, taking into account what you know about attachments so far, is there anything you could have done differently with past partners or with a current mate to make your relationship healthier?0:20:36.988 --> 0:20:40.750So do you find yourself with avoidant partners or anxious partners?0:20:41.350 --> 0:20:41.950Do you know why?0:20:42.688 --> 0:20:45.211So back to our secure attachment style.0:20:45.390 --> 0:20:48.271The jackpot lottery winner of all attachment styles.0:20:51.072 --> 0:20:53.352Like I was saying, it's the one we all aim to get.0:20:53.913 --> 0:20:56.393And you might be kind of like, okay, great.0:20:56.593 --> 0:20:57.413How do you do that?0:20:57.573 --> 0:21:02.815Well, it's kind of everything that we talk about in this podcast and everything I talk about in my book.0:21:02.955 --> 0:21:03.495It's about...0:21:05.038 --> 0:21:08.983you know, your self-worth, your self-image, seeing yourself better.0:21:09.003 --> 0:21:15.110That's really about how you work towards a secure attachment style.0:21:15.745 --> 0:21:17.085It's about working on your self-worth, working on your self-image, working on yourself.0:21:17.465 --> 0:21:18.845It's the old adage.0:21:19.045 --> 0:21:22.666I mean, you can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy with yourself.0:21:22.726 --> 0:21:25.087If you're not happy with yourself, if you're insecure with yourself,0:21:25.688 --> 0:21:28.069Of course, you're going to be insecure in a relationship.0:21:28.229 --> 0:21:37.314I think avoidant attachment styles are probably just a different way of expressing insecurity.0:21:39.635 --> 0:21:52.522So it's just a matter of working on your self-worth, working through those things in your past and coming to a place where you feel solid and good on your own and0:21:53.542 --> 0:21:56.125and good enough to partner up with someone else.0:21:56.706 --> 0:22:04.089But it's really kind of like an oxymoron because you have to feel good on your own to be with someone else.0:22:04.089 --> 0:22:13.503I always recommend, you know, overthinking the way back to not for too long, pick it up, put it down is what I always say.0:22:13.523 --> 0:22:13.563Um,0:22:14.412 --> 0:22:17.276But overthinking the way back, where did it come from?0:22:17.316 --> 0:22:18.217Where did it start?0:22:18.278 --> 0:22:23.305Like I said, I can see where my anxious attachment style started way back.0:22:24.086 --> 0:22:27.270I can kind of follow it through and then kind of try to break it.0:22:27.290 --> 0:22:30.915I always advocate...0:22:31.616 --> 0:22:40.466I mean, for me personally, I don't advocate for it, but I, for me personally, I always kind of overthink the way back and then go, okay, I get it.0:22:40.506 --> 0:22:43.870Like I have to just me personally, how my brain works.0:22:43.930 --> 0:22:46.693I have to understand it to let it go.0:22:46.714 --> 0:22:46.754So.0:22:49.298 --> 0:22:57.703if you can kind of overthink where it started, pick it up, put it down, overthink it and do better is kind of my mantra.0:22:58.239 --> 0:23:10.688It's really where the name came from, from this podcast, Overthinking in Your Underwear, a self-help podcast, is I needed to overthink my way to happiness.0:23:10.788 --> 0:23:15.071I needed to understand everything in order to come out better on the other side.0:23:15.121 --> 0:23:16.804I hope this is helpful for you.0:23:17.525 --> 0:23:23.452Again, we'll continue to overthink other things in the future, failure, all of it.0:23:23.592 --> 0:23:27.237Let's overthink it all, you guys.0:23:27.537 --> 0:23:30.340Until next time, I am wishing you all good thoughts. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

This week, Lindsay shares the notes she's been collecting in her phone ranging from Taylor Swift, Gypsy Rose Blanchard and Joe Koi, plus what it means to be cool, why are we so scared and how she recently discovered lazy lying. If you enjoyed this episode, you may also like Self-doubt, Imposter Syndrome, and the Stories We Tell Ourselves. Liking the podcast? Grab the book, Overthinking in Your Underwear, now on Amazon. It’s part memoir, part self-help, all kinds of fun.Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

In this episode, Lindsay takes you through her favorite overthinking exercises from her book to set you up for a successful 2024.In this episode, you’ll overthink:* What do you want to love and leave this year?* Finding your purpose* Dealing with failure* Handling distractions* And more!Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Or follow the show on Apple or Spotify. This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

In this episode, Lindsay overthinks dogs, the NFL, her first job, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and the stories we tell ourselves.If you like this episode, you may also like: Imposter syndrome, creativity and playing small.Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free or follow the show on your apps. This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

First show of the New Year! Lindsay overthinks working her way out of a rut, her relationship with alcohol, and Dry January. In this episode, grab tips on: * Working yourself out of a rut* Drinking less* How to tackle Dry January & Overthink your own addictive behaviorsLet me put this right here because I completely misquote it in the podcast: From Wikipedia. "Dry January is a campaign delivered by Alcohol Change UK where people sign up to abstain from alcohol for the month of January. The term "Dry January" is a registered trademark with Alcohol Change UK and was first registered in 2014."Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.This post is public so feel free to share it.* More overthinking? Listen next to: Alcoholism, sobriety, recovery and Ryan's trip to Peru.TranscriptWelcome to overthinking in your underwear.0:00:11.837 --> 0:00:21.242I'm Lindsay and this week we are overthinking a lot of things like just look at the title because I lumped this into a lot of things for the new year.0:00:21.799 --> 0:00:26.981If you have just made your way to my podcast, thank you.0:00:27.001 --> 0:00:28.342I appreciate it so much.0:00:29.662 --> 0:00:30.863Let me tell you a little bit about it.0:00:30.983 --> 0:00:36.385This is a self-help podcast that doesn't take itself too seriously is what I like to say.0:00:36.685 --> 0:00:45.569I launched a book last year about this time, Overthinking in Your Underwear, and this kind of just continues the conversation with you guys.0:00:46.803 --> 0:00:52.508So the book is a self-help podcast that kind of takes you through my personal growth journey.0:00:53.369 --> 0:01:05.080And that's what I'm continuing to do here, just kind of sharing personal stories and personal advice in a way that's easy and accessible, not obsessible, but maybe.0:01:06.201 --> 0:01:13.407What I like to say is outside of clinical talk and spiritual wackery, it's just kind of straightforward and to the0:01:13.999 --> 0:01:15.259So I hope you like it.0:01:15.319 --> 0:01:22.321You can go back and listen to some episodes from last year if this is your first time here or just let's roll now, you know.0:01:23.621 --> 0:01:30.363Occasionally I bring on experts or friends that I think have had some experience in whatever we're talking about.0:01:30.383 --> 0:01:35.725And sometimes it's just, you know, me rolling solo like today.0:01:36.525 --> 0:01:41.006So first of all, I just wanted to talk about a little bit of a rut I had.0:01:41.832 --> 0:01:42.853in the middle of December.0:01:42.953 --> 0:01:47.055So ruts are just getting down a little bit.0:01:47.155 --> 0:01:50.417And I wanted to talk about that because it happens to all of us.0:01:50.977 --> 0:01:56.760And what happened was I got sick in the middle of December.0:01:56.780 --> 0:02:03.704And for all of my chronic illness babes out there, I feel you.0:02:04.940 --> 0:02:11.604I have chronic migraines and with it comes a lot of fatigue and nausea.0:02:12.584 --> 0:02:16.066And sometimes I can't get out of bed for a long time.0:02:16.627 --> 0:02:19.508And it was about two weeks that I was down.0:02:20.389 --> 0:02:25.112And it can really get to you, you know, physically and emotionally when you feel like that.0:02:25.552 --> 0:02:29.334And I'm not asking for a pity party because I know people have.0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:31.360way bigger things than that.0:02:31.460 --> 0:02:34.561And I'm grateful that it's only what it is.0:02:35.241 --> 0:02:46.244But when you feel like that, sometimes what happens, and this is what happened to me, like the physical part starts to wane and you start to feel better.0:02:46.264 --> 0:02:49.265And then you're battling the emotional part, you know?0:02:50.873 --> 0:03:00.544you're battling the emotional part of, okay, I know I'm physically feeling better, but I feel really down now just because I'm trying to like wrap up my body again.0:03:00.724 --> 0:03:05.469Sometimes I think like some of the medicine that I take for my migraines gets me down too.0:03:06.250 --> 0:03:08.673So I had to like, I felt like,0:03:09.796 --> 0:03:17.959start from square one, maybe not square one, but go through a lot of those practices that I have talked to you guys about.0:03:18.139 --> 0:03:26.243I literally went back and listened to that seven steps to happiness that I shared with you guys.0:03:26.383 --> 0:03:30.324And I was like, okay, what do I need to do to get happy?0:03:31.144 --> 0:03:32.345In that, I say something that it0:03:33.569 --> 0:03:39.471I think is so important, which is build a foundation where happiness can find its footing.0:03:39.491 --> 0:03:42.192And that one is the most important.0:03:42.312 --> 0:03:44.813And it's really just like creating happiness habits.0:03:45.793 --> 0:03:57.077And I had to just remind myself, get up, go to yoga, eat good food, get good sleep, do these things, and you will feel better.0:03:57.238 --> 0:04:01.099And one thing I did that I think helped me was0:04:01.641 --> 0:04:04.622It was just a Monday, which Mondays are never good.0:04:05.503 --> 0:04:10.985And I said to myself, okay, do the things you know you need to do, those happiness habits.0:04:11.825 --> 0:04:15.767And by this time next week, you might feel bad for a week.0:04:15.847 --> 0:04:17.968Just don't overthink it.0:04:18.268 --> 0:04:19.008There's that word.0:04:19.488 --> 0:04:20.329Don't overthink it.0:04:21.309 --> 0:04:25.331But by this time next week, I guarantee you will be better.0:04:25.371 --> 0:04:30.613There's no way you're going to feel as bad as you feel now if you do those things.0:04:31.763 --> 0:04:32.263And I did.0:04:32.283 --> 0:04:35.405I got up and went to yoga, even though I didn't want to.0:04:35.426 --> 0:04:41.129I ate good food, even though you want a pizza when you feel like that.0:04:41.149 --> 0:04:44.271I was productive, all the things, right?0:04:44.572 --> 0:04:46.273All the things you know you need to be doing.0:04:46.433 --> 0:04:47.674I don't drink anymore.0:04:47.854 --> 0:04:51.636So it wasn't a matter of like, okay, don't drink.0:04:51.716 --> 0:04:56.520But if that is a place you are in where you're trying to pull out, I would say do not drink.0:04:57.360 --> 0:04:58.381Drinking is a depressant.0:04:59.443 --> 0:05:00.965So I did those things.0:05:01.245 --> 0:05:09.633And a week later, I am not saying that I was like at my all time best and feeling the happiest I've ever felt.0:05:09.753 --> 0:05:11.635But I was like, I moved the needle.0:05:11.715 --> 0:05:13.457I definitely moved the needle.0:05:14.708 --> 0:05:24.259And that was a great lesson on just the power we have, that we are in control and that our happiness habits work.0:05:25.140 --> 0:05:28.183And so I kind of just was like, OK, let's keep going.0:05:28.303 --> 0:05:29.525Let's keep doing this.0:05:30.125 --> 0:05:30.226And.0:05:33.088 --> 0:05:37.389Happy to report I'm much better, feeling good physically and emotionally.0:05:37.849 --> 0:05:42.490But I just wanted to share that with you to let you guys know we all get in ruts.0:05:42.650 --> 0:05:58.354We all get in low places, and we all have to kind of do a reset, whether it's like kicked off from a physical illness or an emotional thing from a breakup or something that happens within your family or a job setback.0:05:59.014 --> 0:06:01.616We all get in those places.0:06:02.097 --> 0:06:25.314And we have to just kind of start those happiness habits over again, whether it's exercising, doing a gratitude list, talking to ourselves in a positive way, eliminating things that bring us down, whether that's drinking every night and you go, well, why am I drinking every night when I know that I'm in a low place?0:06:25.414 --> 0:06:28.637Why am I adding something to myself that's making me feel worse?0:06:29.215 --> 0:06:35.641which kind of brings me to, um, the next topic of this podcast, which is dry January.0:06:35.781 --> 0:06:39.805So we are in that month of dry January.0:06:39.845 --> 0:06:43.908So I wanted to do a little topic about drinking, um, today.0:06:43.928 --> 0:06:47.632And if you've listened to this podcast, I talk about drinking a lot.0:06:47.692 --> 0:06:49.093I mean, you might say I'm obsessed with it.0:06:50.313 --> 0:06:55.014Dry January came about because it was a, I'm going to get this wrong.0:06:55.054 --> 0:06:56.615Cause I'm not looking it up right now.0:06:56.675 --> 0:06:58.235I just kind of know this fact.0:06:59.436 --> 0:07:01.576It was a campaign by.0:07:03.157 --> 0:07:06.238Like stop drinking UK or something.0:07:06.258 --> 0:07:14.620And their campaign was dry January, like go dry in January to get people to quit drinking less.0:07:14.680 --> 0:07:17.121It was like the British council of alcohol or whatever.0:07:17.973 --> 0:07:20.474Lots of times things kind of catch on.0:07:20.514 --> 0:07:26.436They kind of catch on in the culture and even spread over here to the United States.0:07:26.496 --> 0:07:29.617And we go, well, where did this come from?0:07:29.637 --> 0:07:32.298It kind of seems like it's something that's around all the time.0:07:32.318 --> 0:07:35.699And it was actually an advertising campaign.0:07:35.894 --> 0:07:43.250He was kind of saying dry January is great to remind people about the effects of alcohol, about the benefits of going dry.0:07:44.030 --> 0:07:54.978But at the same time, if you're just not drinking in January and then saving up, saving up, saving up, and you can't wait to go crazy in February.0:07:55.738 --> 0:08:11.080it's really not doing you any good and it's you know you really are you know drinking just as much the other 11 months of the year and you're sitting there in january thinking about all the things you're going to drink in february0:08:12.101 --> 0:08:13.022It's really not that great.0:08:13.442 --> 0:08:27.173If you're taking this month to kind of reset and think about how you're going to mindfully drink the rest of the year, if you're thinking about maybe resetting and revising your relationship with alcohol, great.0:08:27.294 --> 0:08:40.204That's really, I think, I'm sure what the British Council of Alcohol had intended when they started this, not that people would take a break and then, you know, have a go all out wild February.0:08:40.532 --> 0:08:45.288Um, so to back up just a little bit, to tell you a little bit about my relationship with alcohol.0:08:47.579 --> 0:08:51.942I am one of those people that is just not a good drinker.0:08:52.745 --> 0:08:57.988I do not think I'm an alcoholic per se, but I am a bad drinker.0:08:58.388 --> 0:09:02.191And I say this quote a lot because I thought it was really poignant.0:09:02.371 --> 0:09:09.716I was having a conversation with my therapist years ago, and I was telling her yet another story about, well –0:09:10.336 --> 0:09:13.518I blacked out and then I did this and it wasn't great.0:09:13.538 --> 0:09:16.539And I was like, I mean, you know, I drink all the time.0:09:16.599 --> 0:09:21.481It's not like I go home and drink a bottle of wine every night.0:09:21.521 --> 0:09:22.722I'm not a daily drinker.0:09:23.102 --> 0:09:24.943I'm clearly not an alcoholic.0:09:25.183 --> 0:09:30.265And she said, you can have a problem with alcohol and not be an alcoholic.0:09:32.688 --> 0:09:40.085I was like, and that hit me, and that hit me really hard, that statement, because I was like, I do have a problem with alcohol.0:09:40.825 --> 0:09:42.085but I'm not an alcoholic.0:09:42.265 --> 0:09:47.627And I had always kind of equated all of the things you need to be an alcoholic.0:09:47.647 --> 0:09:51.988You need to have, do you need to have, do you need to drink a six pack a day?0:09:52.408 --> 0:09:54.368Do you need to drink alone?0:09:54.388 --> 0:10:00.570Do you need to, you know, have alcohol affect your job and affect your relationships?0:10:00.650 --> 0:10:08.372Do you need to have all of this like checklist that we see all the time to be considered quote, unquote, an alcoholic and have to give up drinking.0:10:09.244 --> 0:10:10.645And no, that's not true.0:10:10.825 --> 0:10:14.106You can just have a problematic drinking.0:10:14.206 --> 0:10:16.427You can just have a problem with alcohol.0:10:16.527 --> 0:10:20.969You can just be not a good drinker and decide this doesn't suit my life.0:10:21.049 --> 0:10:22.510This isn't who I want to be.0:10:22.590 --> 0:10:28.173This does not make me the best version of who I want to be and decide that you don't want it in your life anymore.0:10:28.253 --> 0:10:32.515And that's where I came to with it was I have a problem with alcohol.0:10:33.235 --> 0:10:37.717And if there's something that I have a problem with, I do not want it in my life anymore.0:10:38.837 --> 0:10:52.863So I had kind of gone through my life and my, you know, 18 to 30 years old drinking, you know, at the same pattern and at the same rate I saw the people around me.0:10:54.304 --> 0:11:02.287My best friend who's been on this podcast is four inches taller than me, five inches taller than me, six inches taller than me.0:11:02.487 --> 0:11:03.608She's a lot taller than me.0:11:04.148 --> 0:11:05.549She's a lot taller than me.0:11:06.090 --> 0:11:11.715I was always trying to drink as much as she could drink, as much as she drank, because I really didn't understand when we were younger.0:11:11.735 --> 0:11:16.920I didn't understand that she was metabolizing things differently than me.0:11:17.440 --> 0:11:23.646Even without height and weight, genetically, you can just metabolize alcohol differently.0:11:23.706 --> 0:11:28.290And I think I just metabolized it differently and didn't handle alcohol well.0:11:29.827 --> 0:11:31.909It was not something that I could handle.0:11:31.930 --> 0:11:34.392I'd have a drink and I could immediately feel it.0:11:34.993 --> 0:11:36.314It made me feel bad.0:11:36.335 --> 0:11:37.356It gave me headaches.0:11:37.436 --> 0:11:38.197I had hangovers.0:11:38.257 --> 0:11:40.039I mean, I don't even know why I ever drank, okay?0:11:43.219 --> 0:11:45.781It was really just something that did not suit my life.0:11:45.961 --> 0:11:47.142I would black out.0:11:47.282 --> 0:11:50.004I would feel really bad about myself the next day.0:11:50.024 --> 0:11:51.925I would wonder what I said.0:11:51.945 --> 0:11:53.166I would wonder what I did.0:11:53.186 --> 0:11:55.167I would put myself in harm's way.0:11:55.287 --> 0:12:01.171There's a story that I have told on the podcast about I passed out in a cab.0:12:02.032 --> 0:12:05.674The next day, I didn't know how I got to my apartment.0:12:06.294 --> 0:12:11.398And I found out later that the cab driver and a neighbor had to walk me to my apartment, essentially.0:12:12.439 --> 0:12:16.622And that really, you know, all turned out well.0:12:16.722 --> 0:12:25.648But what really scared me was that I was in such a state that I was incapacitated in the back of a cab and I did not know how to get myself home.0:12:25.728 --> 0:12:31.673And that's a really scary thing to be at a place to put yourself in as a young woman.0:12:31.968 --> 0:12:36.891So that really scared, I really scared my, I really scared myself sober.0:12:36.931 --> 0:12:37.431I'll tell you.0:12:37.451 --> 0:12:41.373Um, I realized it just was not for me.0:12:41.493 --> 0:12:41.893Okay.0:12:42.293 --> 0:12:48.396So I got to the place in my thirties that I just realized,0:12:49.253 --> 0:12:55.060you know, I think I tried maybe to do, I'm going to have a drink here or a drink there.0:12:55.221 --> 0:12:59.326And I'll be honest, I would go out for happy hour and I'd be like, I'm going to have one drink.0:12:59.826 --> 0:13:00.800I'm going to have one drink.0:13:01.062 --> 0:13:03.485And I was just never someone that could have one drink.0:13:03.805 --> 0:13:10.772I would have two drinks that would turn to five drinks and it would just, it would end up at the same place that I was before.0:13:11.252 --> 0:13:17.379And I remember sitting there and telling myself, okay, you can go out tonight and have one drink.0:13:17.659 --> 0:13:18.780You can have one drink.0:13:18.980 --> 0:13:23.805But if that one drinks turns into four drinks and you're hungover tomorrow,0:13:25.058 --> 0:13:25.779You can't have any.0:13:25.979 --> 0:13:29.942Like it's, this is a trust exercise that you have with yourself.0:13:30.022 --> 0:13:36.027And that's something that I talk about a lot too, that like self-trust is the most important trust you have in your life.0:13:36.127 --> 0:13:38.069It is the most important thing you have in your life.0:13:38.129 --> 0:13:41.152And if you can't trust yourself, you don't have anything.0:13:41.252 --> 0:13:43.073And it really affects your self-worth.0:13:43.974 --> 0:13:46.556And I didn't trust myself for a long time.0:13:46.616 --> 0:13:50.259And I can't tell you how badly I felt about myself.0:13:51.420 --> 0:13:52.321The feeling of,0:13:52.834 --> 0:13:54.395I'm going to go out and have one drink.0:13:54.615 --> 0:13:56.375And I knew I was lying to myself.0:13:56.515 --> 0:14:00.217And I did not trust myself that that one drink wasn't going to turn into four.0:14:01.558 --> 0:14:03.218That was a horrible feeling.0:14:03.338 --> 0:14:08.060It was a horrible feeling not to trust yourself.0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:10.521And I went through that for a while.0:14:10.601 --> 0:14:12.462So I said that you could have a one drink.0:14:12.562 --> 0:14:14.323And then I knew I was lying.0:14:14.343 --> 0:14:16.383I knew I was lying.0:14:16.443 --> 0:14:20.185I knew I couldn't trust the most important person in my life, which was me.0:14:21.666 --> 0:14:22.606And I go out.0:14:23.474 --> 0:14:27.636and I'd have one drink, and the one drink would turn into four.0:14:28.216 --> 0:14:32.018And the next morning, I'd wake up, and I'd have a horrible hangover.0:14:32.058 --> 0:14:33.919I just had these horrible hangovers.0:14:34.086 --> 0:14:36.545And like I say in the book, the worst part wasn't0:14:37.175 --> 0:14:43.802the physical feeling, it was the emotional feeling that I had broken a promise to myself.0:14:44.463 --> 0:14:46.945That was a horrible feeling that I couldn't trust myself.0:14:47.045 --> 0:14:51.610And it actually seeps into every other part of your life when you think, well,0:14:52.611 --> 0:14:58.653If you go out with a guy and you say, well, I'm not going to call him back, you don't really trust yourself.0:14:58.713 --> 0:15:00.074Your word means nothing.0:15:00.614 --> 0:15:04.555You think, well, I don't trust myself about the drinking.0:15:04.615 --> 0:15:08.117I don't trust myself not to text him back if I say I'm not going to text him back.0:15:08.637 --> 0:15:09.637I have a work project.0:15:09.697 --> 0:15:11.438I say I'm going to get it done on by Friday.0:15:11.458 --> 0:15:12.058Well, I don't know.0:15:12.118 --> 0:15:12.838Am I going to do that?0:15:12.878 --> 0:15:14.259I'm not a trustworthy person.0:15:14.379 --> 0:15:17.420I am not a trustworthy person when it comes to me getting0:15:18.281 --> 0:15:25.044when it comes to me relying on myself and your self-trust, I cannot even tell you how important it is.0:15:25.644 --> 0:15:26.404And it takes time.0:15:26.505 --> 0:15:30.246It takes time to build that up and earn it back once you've broken it.0:15:30.718 --> 0:15:37.405So after I realized, I finally got to the point, when I finally got to the point where I said,0:15:38.906 --> 0:15:43.388Clearly the one, clearly this just having one drink doesn't work.0:15:43.848 --> 0:15:45.669Clearly you're not a trustworthy person.0:15:47.190 --> 0:15:50.632Clearly this doesn't, clearly your word means nothing.0:15:51.632 --> 0:15:53.693You're going to have to go, you're going to have to go nothing.0:15:54.494 --> 0:15:59.496Um, I, I did and I said, okay, I'm, I'm done.0:15:59.696 --> 0:16:00.397I'm done with this.0:16:01.117 --> 0:16:05.419So I quit drinking and at first it was hard.0:16:05.707 --> 0:16:10.156But it was hard because situationally,0:16:11.753 --> 0:16:19.258drinking alcohol is so woven into the fabric of our lives and our society, as you guys all know.0:16:19.718 --> 0:16:23.861I mean, everyone says, let's go grab a drink.0:16:23.921 --> 0:16:24.922Do you want to have a drink?0:16:24.982 --> 0:16:30.645I mean, whether in a dating situation, people want to have a drink, let's have a drink.0:16:30.805 --> 0:16:33.827If in a girlfriend situation, let's have a glass of wine.0:16:34.208 --> 0:16:35.368Let's have a wine night.0:16:35.749 --> 0:16:37.029Let's get, let's get drinks.0:16:37.290 --> 0:16:37.590And it's0:16:38.350 --> 0:16:50.301So awkward, I'll just say it's so awkward to not drink in a society that holds alcohol up as hero.0:16:50.761 --> 0:16:53.023It is very, very awkward.0:16:53.483 --> 0:16:59.949So at the beginning, I didn't at the beginning, I didn't know what to do.0:17:00.009 --> 0:17:01.270I'll be honest.0:17:02.031 --> 0:17:05.314You go out to happy hours and I say this in the book.0:17:06.389 --> 0:17:12.471In the beginning, you have to tell every person you ever happyed your hour with that you don't drink anymore.0:17:13.432 --> 0:17:17.614Every person that you used to, I mean, we all have those party friends.0:17:17.694 --> 0:17:18.794We all have those.0:17:19.834 --> 0:17:26.837We all have those friends that we used to go out and drink with and used to stay up late and order another bottle and get another round.0:17:26.917 --> 0:17:28.358We all have those friends.0:17:28.438 --> 0:17:32.480As great as your friends are, I think they're taken aback.0:17:32.540 --> 0:17:34.601And I understand why that's hard for them.0:17:34.661 --> 0:17:36.882And they kind of go, oh, okay.0:17:36.902 --> 0:17:37.862All right.0:17:38.643 --> 0:17:40.864And at first, it's very hard.0:17:41.184 --> 0:17:43.045And eventually...0:17:44.925 --> 0:17:45.986Eventually they get it.0:17:46.086 --> 0:17:48.327And I think at first they don't really believe you.0:17:48.447 --> 0:17:50.389They don't really trust you because you know what?0:17:51.229 --> 0:17:52.530You don't really trust yourself.0:17:53.251 --> 0:17:54.211And then they get it.0:17:54.311 --> 0:18:00.015They get that you really are going to order water or deny the drink or just have a Diet Coke.0:18:01.179 --> 0:18:06.602And before the waiter can even give you the wine list, they say, she just doesn't drink.0:18:06.602 --> 0:18:11.701And sitting through those social situations and those happy hours, they're itchy.0:18:11.861 --> 0:18:14.263I have to tell you, it's itchy at first.0:18:14.403 --> 0:18:14.944And you're like...0:18:15.744 --> 0:18:18.066I don't know what to do with my hands.0:18:18.266 --> 0:18:19.327I don't know what to do.0:18:19.547 --> 0:18:21.189Like, this is very weird.0:18:23.471 --> 0:18:24.151It's awkward.0:18:24.912 --> 0:18:29.236Now I will, let me just tell you now, I don't find it awkward anymore.0:18:29.396 --> 0:18:31.378A few years later, I don't find it awkward.0:18:31.418 --> 0:18:32.719I always order a Sprite.0:18:33.259 --> 0:18:37.123I kind of like nurse the Sprite or I have a Diet Coke.0:18:37.543 --> 0:18:40.566And those aren't things I normally drink, like just in my everyday life.0:18:41.808 --> 0:18:43.690So they're kind of fun, I guess.0:18:44.932 --> 0:18:46.453I love to have an appetizer.0:18:46.473 --> 0:18:51.819So I'm just like, those are my treats and I'm eating my appetizer.0:18:51.839 --> 0:18:54.482I'm drinking my drinks.0:18:54.963 --> 0:19:00.249I'm drinking my sugary drinks while my friends are having their cocktails.0:19:00.449 --> 0:19:01.930And that's fine for me.0:19:02.031 --> 0:19:02.891And I don't feel...0:19:04.643 --> 0:19:06.145I don't feel awkward about it.0:19:06.405 --> 0:19:12.431Now, I'm also at an age where happy hour really is a few hours.0:19:13.512 --> 0:19:17.275If it was longer than that, I'm not going out till two in the morning with anyone.0:19:17.335 --> 0:19:21.439I'm not staying up till, I'm not going, I'm not bar hopping and going out till midnight.0:19:21.499 --> 0:19:22.080So if you're at0:19:22.600 --> 0:19:43.894you know, if you're 25 and you're trying to stop drinking, I have a lot more sympathy for that because I have a lot of sympathy for you because I understand that, you know, your friends will start happy hour and then they want to go to the next bar and they want to go to the next bar and they go to late night bars and they want to go to after bars and keeping that momentum and keeping that energy is really, really hard.0:19:44.915 --> 0:19:46.656Whereas I'm at the age where0:19:47.544 --> 0:19:51.848My friends and I go to happy hour or dinner, and it's a few hours.0:19:52.209 --> 0:19:54.351And they want to go home.0:19:54.451 --> 0:19:55.512They have families.0:19:55.612 --> 0:19:57.034They have work the next day.0:19:57.154 --> 0:19:58.015We're all busy.0:19:58.275 --> 0:19:59.897We are all in our 40s.0:20:00.978 --> 0:20:04.602No one's staying out until 2 in the morning, no matter if they're having cocktails or not.0:20:04.678 --> 0:20:08.341But if you are younger, I understand how that's so hard.0:20:08.501 --> 0:20:10.783And what I will tell you if you are younger,0:20:11.211 --> 0:20:12.031Go to the happy hour.0:20:12.432 --> 0:20:13.172Go to the party.0:20:13.632 --> 0:20:18.034When it gets to be 11 o'clock and your friends are staying out till 2, go home.0:20:18.514 --> 0:20:25.857I mean, if you want to stay out and you have fun being sober and dancing till 2 in the morning and it's no problem, absolutely do it.0:20:26.418 --> 0:20:29.939But if it's 11 o'clock and it's painful, go home.0:20:30.239 --> 0:20:31.660You're not going to miss anything.0:20:31.845 --> 0:20:33.716If you've been someone who's drank, and I'll tell you as someone who's drinking, no one really even remembers.0:20:34.036 --> 0:20:35.137No one is going to remember.0:20:35.217 --> 0:20:41.321I mean, I've been in those situations and I've ducked out and my friends have said the next day, they think I'm there.0:20:41.542 --> 0:20:42.843They go, oh, do you remember this?0:20:43.123 --> 0:20:44.204Oh, were you there for this?0:20:44.464 --> 0:20:47.046Oh, did you do this?0:20:47.086 --> 0:20:48.126Did you go with us there?0:20:48.166 --> 0:20:49.507Did you go with us to the next bar?0:20:49.547 --> 0:20:51.569And I'm like, I went home at 11.0:20:52.149 --> 0:20:53.290They don't even remember.0:20:53.530 --> 0:20:54.251Like, don't.0:20:55.057 --> 0:20:58.199make yourself think you have to stay up for your friend's blackout.0:20:58.339 --> 0:20:58.879You don't.0:20:59.539 --> 0:21:00.320Go home at 11.0:21:00.440 --> 0:21:04.622When you're ready to go home, it's completely fine, right?0:21:04.902 --> 0:21:05.942You don't have to stay up.0:21:06.238 --> 0:21:14.943And I will say the quitting of the drinking is one of the best, if not the best thing I have done for myself.0:21:15.304 --> 0:21:16.044It really is.0:21:16.644 --> 0:21:17.825If you are struggling with...0:21:19.454 --> 0:21:30.706anxiety or depression, self-worth, and you're drinking too much, it is the one thing you can do to really shift things.0:21:31.226 --> 0:21:32.668I can't emphasize it enough.0:21:32.800 --> 0:21:41.108I don't mean to get on a soapbox, but I just want people to know it's such the secret sauce that you can do to really change things.0:21:41.308 --> 0:21:42.108It really can.0:21:42.149 --> 0:21:43.430I mean, it gives you clarity.0:21:43.450 --> 0:21:46.712It gives you, it alleviates depression.0:21:46.733 --> 0:21:50.376Oh, I held up my thumb and it did a thumbs up.0:21:50.536 --> 0:21:51.577How strange.0:21:51.857 --> 0:21:52.544Okay.0:21:52.544 --> 0:21:56.451And for me, you know, you make all these mistakes when you're, for me, someone who's like an overthinker, like a big time overthinker.0:21:56.471 --> 0:22:02.136And when you're drunk, you do these things that are outside yourself and you feel bad and0:22:02.716 --> 0:22:25.705you said something stupid or you hook up with a guy that you shouldn't and then the next day you're beating the next week you're beating yourself up you feel terrible you're overthinking how you acted it takes so much time and so much effort to get yourself back on the right path like you're always correcting for the mistakes you made on the weekend how can you ever get yourself0:22:26.265 --> 0:22:29.893on the right path if you're always correcting for the mistakes you made on the weekend.0:22:30.294 --> 0:22:32.840I mean, I just don't, it just, it doesn't work.0:22:32.940 --> 0:22:33.622It does not work.0:22:34.729 --> 0:22:41.511So I also think that the not drinking was such a crucial element to the self-trust.0:22:42.111 --> 0:22:43.792The self-trust took time.0:22:44.752 --> 0:22:54.895It took time for me to believe that I really wasn't going to drink when I went out to a happy hour or I had to go to a Christmas party or whatever it was.0:22:55.255 --> 0:22:57.615It took time for me to earn that trust.0:22:58.075 --> 0:23:02.617But with every kind of event or social gathering or whatever it was,0:23:03.977 --> 0:23:07.883I earned my trust back in little increments and elements, right?0:23:08.384 --> 0:23:12.189So I started to trust myself and that felt so good.0:23:12.330 --> 0:23:18.278And that did so much for my self-worth and it bled over to other elements of my life where I trusted myself.0:23:19.280 --> 0:23:24.664I knew my word had weight and I knew if I said I was going to do something, I was going to do it.0:23:24.984 --> 0:23:36.191And before I didn't know that, before I didn't believe that because I had lost so much, I had lost so much trust and I had lost so much credibility with myself.0:23:36.640 --> 0:23:53.948If you're trying to quit drinking or smoking or anything and any kind of addictive behavior, a little bit of advice that I can give is in the book I have, I always have like these exercises that go with things.0:23:53.968 --> 0:23:59.091So take a blank sheet of paper and write down at the top like0:23:59.551 --> 0:24:00.172quit drinking.0:24:00.772 --> 0:24:05.736And on the right side, write down everything you get from, from stopping drinking.0:24:05.776 --> 0:24:07.037What would you gain from it?0:24:07.118 --> 0:24:07.778What would you gain?0:24:08.679 --> 0:24:12.962Clear head, better sleep, more self-confidence.0:24:13.543 --> 0:24:15.865Maybe I would perform better at work.0:24:16.125 --> 0:24:17.646Maybe I could get to work earlier.0:24:18.227 --> 0:24:19.648Maybe I could start working out.0:24:19.728 --> 0:24:21.029Maybe I could work out better.0:24:21.289 --> 0:24:22.910Maybe I'd lose weight.0:24:24.051 --> 0:24:25.472Maybe I'd have less anxiety.0:24:25.892 --> 0:24:32.755And then on the other side, write what you would gain from keeping your behavior.0:24:34.376 --> 0:24:36.156Social situations are easier.0:24:36.477 --> 0:24:38.677I'd still have wine night with my friends.0:24:39.335 --> 0:24:46.680Uh, you know, just write down what you gain from quitting and what you gain from keeping it and then see how it, see how it weighs out.0:24:47.320 --> 0:24:47.881And you know what?0:24:47.981 --> 0:24:51.483Maybe wine night with your friends outweighs all the benefits.0:24:52.296 --> 0:24:53.698I'm not here to tell you anything.0:24:53.718 --> 0:25:02.386And you'll get to the point where one side weighs out the other and you'll decide what's best for you and your life.0:25:02.927 --> 0:25:10.895But I think kind of seeing that on paper can sometimes push you in one direction or another, or at least help you see the benefits.0:25:11.796 --> 0:25:13.698And I think when it comes to0:25:15.487 --> 0:25:23.672Addiction or drinking or behaviors that we all know, you know, we all know drinking is a bit of has its downsides.0:25:25.516 --> 0:25:27.717It's very personal.0:25:27.777 --> 0:25:32.318It's not like I drank through my 30s thinking, this is a great behavior.0:25:32.398 --> 0:25:33.499I should continue this.0:25:33.539 --> 0:25:36.260You just get to the point where you're like, enough is enough.0:25:36.320 --> 0:25:37.400I've had enough of this.0:25:37.920 --> 0:25:39.221I'm ready for something better.0:25:39.241 --> 0:25:45.683So it's all just very personal when you decide that you're done with something.0:25:45.883 --> 0:25:47.944It's the same with a partner, right?0:25:48.024 --> 0:25:51.965When you're done with a problematic partner, I'm done with this.0:25:52.005 --> 0:25:53.486My friends can tell me for years,0:25:54.941 --> 0:26:13.875that this is this should be over that this is enough that you that you're going to be better off but not until that moment that it really hits you that you've really reached your limit are you going to stop for yourself right so it's the same with drinking it's the same with smoking it's the same with whatever it is it's all so personal and you really can't do it for someone else you know um0:26:13.875 --> 0:26:15.483It really is just something that lives with you in your life and you have to figure out what's best for your life.0:26:15.860 --> 0:26:18.505So those are kind of my thoughts on alcohol and dry January.0:26:18.565 --> 0:26:19.967I'm sure I'll talk about alcohol again.0:26:19.987 --> 0:26:20.848I'm obsessed with it.0:26:20.888 --> 0:26:21.248Sorry.0:26:21.268 --> 0:26:24.872And thanks so much for overthinking with me this week.0:26:24.913 --> 0:26:27.536And until next time, wishing you all good thoughts. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

As we close out the year, I share a year of overthinking with you. Here's my wrapped list of my top 4 overthinking thoughts and themes of the year along with tips to help you consider your own.In this episode, we overthink:Going public on social mediaPerfection is the enemy of progressAdult milestonesAging & Beauty Neutrality This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com

This week we're grabbing our Amethyst, popping into lotus position and chatting about the Almighty Universe, Meditation, Manifestation and Energy in a PRACTICAL way with common sense and action to get us to our goals. Ready? Let's overthink it.Thanks for listening to Overthinking in Your Underwear. Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit lindsaybruno.substack.com