.108 --> 0:00:23.831I'm Lindsay, and this week we are overthinking attachment styles, or specifically my anxious attachment style, which has changed.0:00:24.432 --> 0:00:27.913But I rocked that for years, you guys.0:00:28.313 --> 0:00:31.134And if you've listened to this podcast before, thank you.0:00:32.201 --> 0:00:34.402I've talked about attachment styles before.0:00:34.422 --> 0:00:39.703Ryan and I touched on it when I talked to Jill Simpson, relationship expert Jill.0:00:41.264 --> 0:00:44.805We talked about it before, but we've never really dug into it.0:00:44.905 --> 0:00:48.666I always just kind of breezed over it like, do you guys want to talk about attachment styles?0:00:48.686 --> 0:00:54.028Because it's one of my favorite subjects, but I've never just done kind of like a whole thing on0:00:55.045 --> 0:00:56.366Let me tell you how I got here.0:00:56.386 --> 0:01:10.833I kind of always knew I had like a little bit of a like a codependent thing going on, which is really hilarious now because there's like no one who rides solo harder than me.0:01:11.013 --> 0:01:13.694Like I am party of one and0:01:14.568 --> 0:01:17.275I go everywhere alone with my dog.0:01:17.295 --> 0:01:19.882I love to be alone.0:01:19.902 --> 0:01:21.246I don't want to date.0:01:21.486 --> 0:01:22.449I don't want to partner up.0:01:23.554 --> 0:01:28.175I really like being alone and partnership is not my gig.0:01:28.756 --> 0:01:40.199But when I was younger, I just was sort of like that person that always wanted to be with a best friend before romantic partners came into the picture.0:01:40.259 --> 0:01:42.000I always wanted to be with my best friend.0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:44.527I was thinking about this last night for some reason, even before I knew I was going to put this in this podcast.0:01:44.564 --> 0:01:51.545My best friend Lindsay and I, I always wanted to be with Lindsay when I was little, like probably more than Lindsay wanted to be with me.0:01:51.565 --> 0:01:56.246I always wanted to do everything with Lindsay everywhere we went.0:01:56.386 --> 0:02:05.527And I know that's like probably kind of normal when you're like a young, when you're like a young girl and you're like, you know, in your 11 to tween years.0:02:05.647 --> 0:02:07.428But everywhere Lindsay went, I wanted to go.0:02:07.528 --> 0:02:09.068Everything Lindsay did, I wanted to do.0:02:09.773 --> 0:02:15.777And that was kind of like the beginning of my everywhere we go by Tuesday Tuesdays.0:02:15.897 --> 0:02:17.919That's that's kind of how I felt.0:02:19.019 --> 0:02:25.083Then I got not that Lindsay went away, but I got another best friend, Tricia, best friend, Tricia, who you've seen on here.0:02:25.544 --> 0:02:27.105And it was kind of like, oh, good.0:02:27.265 --> 0:02:28.806Let's go in pairs now, too.0:02:29.366 --> 0:02:32.408Obviously, this is like a normal young girl thing.0:02:32.468 --> 0:02:35.310This wasn't like anything that needed to be diagnosed clinically.0:02:35.511 --> 0:02:35.991I know that.0:02:37.109 --> 0:02:39.290So everywhere Tricia went, I wanted to go.0:02:39.310 --> 0:02:41.332We did everything together.0:02:41.472 --> 0:02:43.833It was like Lindsay and Tricia, Lindsay and Tricia.0:02:43.983 --> 0:02:45.324I'm always going to be partnered up.0:02:46.182 --> 0:02:49.664I'm always going to kind of like go where the other person went.0:02:49.844 --> 0:03:04.693Well, when things started to get romantic and when those partners started to turn to the opposite sex, it just seemed obvious to me that you would just get a boyfriend and do whatever they did, right?0:03:06.254 --> 0:03:12.358Not that I didn't have my own goals and I always knew I wanted to be a writer or knew I wanted to live in a big city.0:03:12.518 --> 0:03:14.780I had my own goals, but0:03:15.776 --> 0:03:19.522I needed to kind of like attach myself to somebody else, right?0:03:19.582 --> 0:03:24.370I needed to attach, had this anxious attachment style, like to feel safe.0:03:27.047 --> 0:03:30.209this kind of showed up a lot in my relationships.0:03:30.749 --> 0:03:37.133And I needed that other person there to feel okay, to feel safe, to like kind of guide me.0:03:38.002 --> 0:03:45.308So let's stop there before I continue down this road and like explain to you a little bit about attachment styles.0:03:45.700 --> 0:03:53.241So John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, originated the concept of infant and child attachment theory in the 1950s.0:03:54.222 --> 0:04:00.308Years later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth joined him to create what we understand today as attachment styles.0:04:01.049 --> 0:04:06.071Until the 1980s, attachment styles were kind of understood this way.0:04:06.991 --> 0:04:15.154Then researchers Hansen and Shaver got involved, extending the thinking to include how adults interact in a romantic setting.0:04:15.494 --> 0:04:23.197So originally it was about children, and then it was extended to understand how we interact as adults and in a love setting.0:04:24.276 --> 0:04:29.218So attachment styles are how we relate to other people, mostly in a romantic setting.0:04:29.918 --> 0:04:36.020Research says our attachment styles develop based on how we interacted with our primary caregivers and our formative years.0:04:36.500 --> 0:04:45.863You don't have to get too clinical or sciencey with attachment theory to recognize your style or see it in others and use it as a guide in relationships and dating.0:04:46.243 --> 0:04:51.805If you want to go way back to the womb, there are many books and resources available on the web to help you do so.0:04:52.891 --> 0:04:57.238So I read Attached, which is by, let me get that for you.0:04:57.705 --> 0:04:59.726Amir Levin and Rachel Heller.0:05:00.066 --> 0:05:01.366And it's really great.0:05:01.426 --> 0:05:04.207And I think they're two, you know, psychoanalysts, researchers.0:05:04.967 --> 0:05:06.848And it's a great book.0:05:06.888 --> 0:05:08.188It's really entertaining.0:05:08.729 --> 0:05:12.010And it also just outlines attachment theory in a way.0:05:12.110 --> 0:05:15.771It's adult attachment theory, the science behind love and adult attachment theory.0:05:16.371 --> 0:05:18.812You'll really understand it when you come to the end.0:05:18.892 --> 0:05:24.514So if you listen to this podcast and you're like, I'm really into attachment theory, get attached.0:05:25.674 --> 0:05:27.375You'll find it on Amazon if you Google it.0:05:27.535 --> 0:05:30.090First thing that comes up, really popular book.0:05:30.130 --> 0:05:43.935So the four major attachment styles are the secure attachment style, the avoidant attachment style, the anxious slash preoccupied attachment style, which I was just talking about earlier, and the fearful avoidant attachment style.0:05:44.257 --> 0:05:46.439So let's start with the secure attachment style.0:05:46.980 --> 0:05:54.227So as is evidenced by its name, this is the jackpot lottery winner of attachment styles, right?0:05:54.247 --> 0:05:55.728This is the one we all want.0:05:55.868 --> 0:05:59.171It's the one we should aim to have for ourselves and seek out in others.0:05:59.632 --> 0:06:06.779It's not to say you can't have a healthy, happy union when other attachment styles join up, but the secure partner is the best gamble.0:06:07.459 --> 0:06:34.242secure partners are confident in themselves alone or coupled up and they don't obsess about relationships or whether or not a partner likes them their self-worth is solid and intact regardless of relationships wins or losses their love they love easily and intimacy and intimacy is used as a way to get closer to their partners rather than a game or manipulation breakups or rejections are seen as part of daily life rather than assessment of who they are as a person in real life0:06:35.705 --> 0:06:35.865So this,0:06:50.526 --> 0:06:52.307This is a healthy relationship.0:06:52.327 --> 0:06:57.220This is someone with healthy self-worth, with healthy boundaries, with healthy communication, with positive self-worth, with positive self-image.0:06:57.220 --> 0:06:57.299So this is the one that we should all kind of work towards.0:06:57.359 --> 0:07:01.944And it's not even only working towards this attachment because0:07:02.834 --> 0:07:06.396We want to be a good partner, but you're happier in yourself.0:07:06.556 --> 0:07:14.721It's hard to be happy in a relationship if you're the anxious partner or the avoidant partner or the fearful avoidant partner.0:07:14.841 --> 0:07:22.965It doesn't feel good to be in a relationship if you're having all of those other feelings, which I'll get to when we go through these other ones too.0:07:23.406 --> 0:07:25.927But you're happiest when you're secure.0:07:25.947 --> 0:07:27.728You're happiest when your self-worth is good.0:07:28.352 --> 0:07:36.778when your self-image is good, and when you aren't jealous of your other partner, when you're not completely needy and dependent on your partner.0:07:36.898 --> 0:07:43.402So this is the one we should all seek to partner up with and to achieve in ourselves.0:07:44.667 --> 0:07:48.870I'm not even in a relationship, and I am like, I want to be a secure, attached person, right?0:07:48.930 --> 0:07:50.531I want to be a secure, attached person.0:07:51.587 --> 0:07:57.569for my friendships even, for family, for myself.0:07:58.010 --> 0:08:04.832I don't want to be too needy towards my friends or jealous towards friends.0:08:05.072 --> 0:08:11.966I think you can think of it as just even if you're not partnered up, this is the attachment style I want to have.0:08:12.183 --> 0:08:13.704The avoidant attachment.0:08:13.964 --> 0:08:18.087So for me, this is the fire engine red flag attachment style.0:08:18.127 --> 0:08:19.627It's also the attachment style.0:08:19.708 --> 0:08:24.430I think when we're all like, you know, we see all those TikToks of like, oh, my God.0:08:25.751 --> 0:08:31.054He's a red flag and this is why I like him or he's the bad boy and this is why I like him or whatever.0:08:31.114 --> 0:08:33.816I think we I think we I'm going to generalize.0:08:33.896 --> 0:08:35.357OK, here I'm going to generalize.0:08:35.397 --> 0:08:35.717Sorry.0:08:36.297 --> 0:08:40.000We all kind of go for the avoidant person at times.0:08:40.820 --> 0:08:44.263parts of our life because it's the chase.0:08:44.343 --> 0:08:45.383This is the chase.0:08:45.467 --> 0:08:47.229This is the he's not calling me back.0:08:47.749 --> 0:08:51.252This is the I text and he leaves me on read.0:08:51.672 --> 0:08:56.095This is the we go out and he doesn't call me back for three days.0:08:56.225 --> 0:09:00.373So for me, this is the fire engine red flag attachment style.0:09:00.933 --> 0:09:07.955Not because good people can't be avoidant, but because it's a personality that pulls us in and we have no means to change.0:09:08.095 --> 0:09:10.576That's important and we're going to come back to it.0:09:11.196 --> 0:09:15.596Avoidant types need their independence and flat out want to be alone in most cases.0:09:15.596 --> 0:09:21.025but they create pockets of closeness with people but will disappear at the quiver of commitment.0:09:21.034 --> 0:09:26.523Their emotions are impervious to manipulation because they don't spend too much time stressing about partnerships.0:09:26.963 --> 0:09:27.103So0:09:28.184 --> 0:09:29.585I think we've all seen that.0:09:29.765 --> 0:09:30.326Oh my gosh.0:09:30.426 --> 0:09:31.307I know I have.0:09:31.707 --> 0:09:36.591So they create pockets of closeness and then they disappear at the quiver of commitment.0:09:36.711 --> 0:09:38.152How many times have you guys seen that?0:09:38.733 --> 0:09:41.295That you, oh my God, we had the best night.0:09:41.315 --> 0:09:42.396We had the best weekend.0:09:42.416 --> 0:09:43.457We had the best trip.0:09:44.017 --> 0:09:46.139You have the best all of these things.0:09:46.319 --> 0:09:47.760And then all of a sudden they disappear.0:09:48.281 --> 0:09:50.322They couldn't even say the most amazing thing.0:09:50.382 --> 0:09:51.363And then they disappear.0:09:51.443 --> 0:09:52.044And you're like, well,0:09:52.584 --> 0:09:53.725I'm so confused.0:09:53.825 --> 0:09:59.008Well, you breached or they breached themselves, their intimacy boundary.0:09:59.408 --> 0:10:00.729Maybe they said something.0:10:01.110 --> 0:10:02.250Maybe they did something.0:10:02.330 --> 0:10:03.791Maybe the trip was too much.0:10:03.891 --> 0:10:05.853Maybe meeting your friends was too much.0:10:06.213 --> 0:10:07.494And then all of a sudden they're gone.0:10:07.594 --> 0:10:10.836And then you're sitting there, you're left with going through your head going,0:10:11.336 --> 0:10:11.977What did I say?0:10:12.057 --> 0:10:12.757What did I do?0:10:12.878 --> 0:10:14.059What did I wear?0:10:14.239 --> 0:10:15.780How much, what was that?0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:16.821What was too much?0:10:16.901 --> 0:10:18.202What was the step too far?0:10:18.662 --> 0:10:19.343What did I do?0:10:19.363 --> 0:10:20.644And it wasn't you.0:10:20.664 --> 0:10:23.526It was their intimacy boundary for themselves.0:10:23.727 --> 0:10:26.549And you couldn't, maybe it wasn't even you that crossed over it.0:10:26.589 --> 0:10:28.451Maybe they crossed over it for themselves.0:10:29.051 --> 0:10:31.852by saying something to you or whatever.0:10:31.872 --> 0:10:33.493And they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.0:10:33.653 --> 0:10:36.534I've got to pull back because they are avoidant.0:10:36.674 --> 0:10:38.234And that's not your problem.0:10:38.855 --> 0:10:41.216That is their attachment style.0:10:43.977 --> 0:10:47.178The last part of this I think is interesting too because I have been here.0:10:47.218 --> 0:10:52.820Their emotions are impervious to manipulation because they don't spend too much time stressing about partnerships.0:10:53.680 --> 0:10:57.882I have been with like one of the most avoidant people I've ever met.0:10:58.782 --> 0:11:02.703And I was always trying to like manipulate his emotions, which I'm not proud of.0:11:02.723 --> 0:11:04.688I am not proud of this, but I would like, you know, send him a text and like, I don't even know.0:11:04.688 --> 0:11:08.923And I would just kind of do things to – well, like here's the most basic thing that I think we've probably all done.0:11:08.963 --> 0:11:14.929It's like, well, I'm not going to text him for a couple days and then he'll see how that feels.0:11:15.149 --> 0:11:17.031Well, no, he doesn't because he doesn't give a s**t.0:11:17.991 --> 0:11:23.476Or when he texts me, I'm going to text him one word back and see how that feels.0:11:24.237 --> 0:11:28.741He doesn't care because he's not overthinking it the way you're overthinking it.0:11:29.101 --> 0:11:35.186His emotions are impervious to manipulation because he is avoidant and you're anxious about the relationship.0:11:35.647 --> 0:11:53.141So don't waste your time overthinking that and know that you're with an avoidant person and either accept it and say, okay, this is what I've bought into and I'm on this ride and here we go, or walk away because you are with someone who cannot be manipulated.0:11:53.421 --> 0:11:56.425And you are with someone that is not going to change and it has nothing to do with you.0:11:56.785 --> 0:11:58.427It has nothing to do with you.0:11:58.687 --> 0:12:08.979And you're not going to change it by cute outfits and the best date ever and just the right way you twirled your hair and just the best blowout.0:12:09.519 --> 0:12:10.700Nothing's going to change it.0:12:11.340 --> 0:12:16.444So this is his attachment style, her attachment style, their attachment style.0:12:16.925 --> 0:12:22.589And they're going to have to do work, like actual work to change it, actual time to change it.0:12:23.009 --> 0:12:25.891Sometimes time changes attachment styles, which we'll get to.0:12:26.351 --> 0:12:31.895So you doing these like little things, whatever, like you're just wasting your time.0:12:32.151 --> 0:12:38.397So here we're going to get to ding, ding, ding, what I have talked about, my attachment style.0:12:39.097 --> 0:12:39.598Not anymore.0:12:40.238 --> 0:12:41.680Like I said, I had it growing up.0:12:41.983 --> 0:12:42.010I'm sorry.0:12:42.091 --> 0:12:44.373The anxious preoccupied attachment style.0:12:45.450 --> 0:12:48.932So this is the unsteady or insecure attachment style.0:12:49.112 --> 0:12:57.837This partner craves closeness and constant togetherness, not because of need or intimacy, but because of insecurity within themselves.0:12:57.917 --> 0:12:58.758That's really important.0:12:59.098 --> 0:13:07.763This partner is overly sensitive and may be suspicious and even paranoid, even in a loving and faithful relationship.0:13:08.303 --> 0:13:10.925The anxious type may end up in a healthy relationship.0:13:11.385 --> 0:13:11.825I'm sorry.0:13:12.065 --> 0:13:14.707The anxious type may end up in an unhealthy relationship.0:13:15.874 --> 0:13:20.117Because of their willingness to stay with a partner regardless of bad behavior.0:13:20.137 --> 0:13:21.738Ooh, that hurt.0:13:22.619 --> 0:13:27.582This partner needs constant affirmation about your feelings and their standing in the relationship.0:13:27.963 --> 0:13:38.130They text repeatedly while you're at work or out with your friends to reassure themselves about your connection despite your constant behavior and consistent signs of affection.0:13:38.650 --> 0:13:38.930Wow.0:13:39.271 --> 0:13:39.571Okay.0:13:41.873 --> 0:13:42.673That's from my book.0:13:42.733 --> 0:13:43.774And I still was like, wow.0:13:44.074 --> 0:13:48.161Not because of what the writing was so good, but because it like hit home so much for me.0:13:48.456 --> 0:14:07.500I acted like this so many times in relationships and it runs the gamut from having really wonderful boyfriends who could not have shown up more for me, who could not have been more consistent, who could not have been more loving, more reaffirming.0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:13.841And I still, like when they were out of my sight too much, I would get like a little bit anxious about,0:14:14.441 --> 0:14:17.405And I still had that like need for togetherness.0:14:18.145 --> 0:14:24.432And I still had that need to like call and reaffirm and just check, kind of like reaching your hand out.0:14:24.552 --> 0:14:25.513Are you still there?0:14:27.916 --> 0:14:32.801And I will say with the really good partners, I did feel safer.0:14:33.042 --> 0:14:35.865You know, I felt better, but I was still a little bit anxious.0:14:36.838 --> 0:14:40.680Um, and there was the constant affirmation of like, do you love me?0:14:40.820 --> 0:14:45.202I was still anxious, even in the good, in the good relationships.0:14:46.282 --> 0:14:49.320Then in bad relationships off the charts, um,0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:54.614Then I had the bad relationships where I was constantly anxious, constantly paranoid of them doing something.0:14:54.734 --> 0:14:57.395I mean, the flip side of that is they actually were doing something.0:14:57.415 --> 0:14:57.457So I'm kind of like, oh, I mean, was I really just really smart and I knew they were doing something?0:14:57.457 --> 0:14:59.892Like, did I have really good instincts or was I anxious?0:14:59.912 --> 0:15:00.892I mean, come on.0:15:02.393 --> 0:15:06.536So, yeah, I mean, the thing I want to reaffirm about this is.0:15:07.545 --> 0:15:13.730Working through your attachment style to get to a secure attachment style0:15:15.227 --> 0:15:16.647is beneficial for you.0:15:16.768 --> 0:15:18.448It's not beneficial for your partners.0:15:19.608 --> 0:15:28.631I mean, I'm sure your partners would say it is, but it's beneficial for you in your life to feel better, to feel more secure, to not have that anxiety.0:15:31.052 --> 0:15:38.454So yeah, like I said, I think back and I'm like, oh gosh, I don't want to feel like that in a partnership anymore.0:15:38.554 --> 0:15:40.275Like I do not want to feel like that.0:15:40.534 --> 0:15:40.542And we'll get to that in a minute.0:15:40.622 --> 0:15:47.666So the fearful avoidant attachment style, what I have read is fortunately this attachment style is not very common.0:15:47.786 --> 0:15:52.669I think it comes from a lot of like personality disorders, things like that.0:15:54.190 --> 0:15:57.793It's a hard one to have for yourself, and it's a hard one to be partnered up with.0:15:58.853 --> 0:16:03.557This partner is avoidant of getting close to others for fear of getting hurt or abandoned.0:16:04.197 --> 0:16:12.503In retaliation, they will act out with aggression when they sense closeness or when they sense closeness.0:16:13.023 --> 0:16:15.565So this partner is uncomfortable with intimacy.0:16:16.106 --> 0:16:18.687When closeness occurs, instead of pulling away...0:16:20.032 --> 0:16:23.273they start a fight, possibly name calling or worse.0:16:23.393 --> 0:16:29.196It's disorienting, chaotic, confusing because it's so inconsistent.0:16:29.336 --> 0:16:32.657Like it's like kind of the love bombing and then the fighting.0:16:33.076 --> 0:16:40.715And if you have it in yourself, and if you are coupled up with this, it's probably a really unhealthy, toxic relationship.0:16:40.856 --> 0:16:41.016So0:16:44.451 --> 0:16:55.076So if hearing all of this, you have pinpointed who you are, or if you have not, search attachment style quizzes just in your little Google bar there.0:16:55.957 --> 0:17:00.799There's plenty of attachment style quizzes to like help you figure out who you are.0:17:00.819 --> 0:17:11.499Or like I said, grab that book attached and it will, I can't imagine by the end you won't, you won't have pinpointed your attachment style and your partner's attachment style.0:17:11.538 --> 0:17:13.800So attachment styles can change throughout your life.0:17:14.220 --> 0:17:16.842You can start really anxious, like I was saying.0:17:16.862 --> 0:17:18.764I moved to avoidant.0:17:19.304 --> 0:17:24.288Like I know there was this part in my life where I was pushing everyone away.0:17:24.308 --> 0:17:27.731I was choosing partners that I knew would push me away.0:17:27.751 --> 0:17:35.057I was choosing partners that I knew wouldn't meet me in a secure place.0:17:35.297 --> 0:17:38.720So I just could avoid the whole partnership thing altogether.0:17:39.781 --> 0:17:43.605Um, I'm now kind of, I like to think I'm secure.0:17:43.665 --> 0:17:52.075I'm sure someone could argue I'm avoidant, but I like to think I'm in a secure place right now, but I am not dating.0:17:52.115 --> 0:17:56.060I just do not want to date, but I like to think I'm in a secure place.0:17:56.647 --> 0:17:58.909But I kind of, I like to think I've worked through my issues.0:17:59.029 --> 0:18:00.010Maybe I'm still avoidant.0:18:00.130 --> 0:18:00.631I don't know.0:18:02.232 --> 0:18:03.073You know, whatever.0:18:03.720 --> 0:18:08.164Here's the big wake up call of wisdom about this whole thing.0:18:08.916 --> 0:18:14.102You aren't going to give an avoidant partner so much space they finally become secure.0:18:14.843 --> 0:18:20.510Maybe they decide to change one day, but it won't be because you acted so cool they couldn't resist commitment.0:18:20.824 --> 0:18:28.847Similarly, if someone is insecure, you can love and support them in an effort toward their personal growth, but you can't do the work for them.0:18:29.268 --> 0:18:33.309As with everything, attachment styles are an inside job.0:18:34.009 --> 0:18:40.012It's only possible when someone demands a better connection to themselves and decides to change on their own.0:18:40.901 --> 0:18:52.263So when I read about Attachment Styles, I read that book Attached, it made me realize so many of my past relationships, the avoidant ones,0:18:53.810 --> 0:18:58.711All the effort I was putting in, all that work I was putting in was so futile, first of all.0:18:59.291 --> 0:19:01.112And it kind of made me let them go.0:19:01.132 --> 0:19:04.272I was like, what was I, like, that was not on me.0:19:05.093 --> 0:19:09.894They had an attachment style that was unchangeable, unmovable.0:19:10.534 --> 0:19:12.054If they change it one day, great.0:19:12.354 --> 0:19:13.634But it had nothing to do with me.0:19:13.694 --> 0:19:19.816And I was sitting there, you know, banging my head against a wall, banging my head against an avoidant attachment.0:19:20.836 --> 0:19:27.117thinking I could change it, trying to change it, maybe just because it was the game, maybe because it was the hardest thing to do.0:19:27.137 --> 0:19:28.338You know, who knows?0:19:29.518 --> 0:19:32.258But that was futile.0:19:32.278 --> 0:19:41.760And what I should have done and what I think I did start doing was going into dating situations going, huh, they're avoidant.0:19:42.321 --> 0:19:43.081No, thank you.0:19:43.201 --> 0:19:48.882Because I didn't want to waste my time on an attachment style that was impossible for me to change.0:19:49.782 --> 0:19:50.883They can only change it.0:19:50.923 --> 0:19:51.043And I...0:19:52.624 --> 0:19:59.269So if you're listening to this and you're wondering about your attachment style, I have a little exercise in the book that I talk about.0:20:00.350 --> 0:20:06.774Take out a piece of paper and a pen and think back to your last three relationships.0:20:07.655 --> 0:20:10.497What attachment styles, based on what you've learned –0:20:11.297 --> 0:20:30.752were your partners acting out and what were you bringing to the relationship is there a prominent style that's appearing in your partners are you always going for the avoidant are you always ending up with anxious people um are you secure and they're secure ding ding ding you win uh you can stop re you can stop listening0:20:31.614 --> 0:20:35.596Uh, do, did your styles change over time?0:20:35.616 --> 0:20:36.866Um, taking into account what you know about attachments so far, is there anything you could have done differently with past partners or with a current mate to make your relationship healthier?0:20:36.988 --> 0:20:40.750So do you find yourself with avoidant partners or anxious partners?0:20:41.350 --> 0:20:41.950Do you know why?0:20:42.688 --> 0:20:45.211So back to our secure attachment style.0:20:45.390 --> 0:20:48.271The jackpot lottery winner of all attachment styles.0:20:51.072 --> 0:20:53.352Like I was saying, it's the one we all aim to get.0:20:53.913 --> 0:20:56.393And you might be kind of like, okay, great.0:20:56.593 --> 0:20:57.413How do you do that?0:20:57.573 --> 0:21:02.815Well, it's kind of everything that we talk about in this podcast and everything I talk about in my book.0:21:02.955 --> 0:21:03.495It's about...0:21:05.038 --> 0:21:08.983you know, your self-worth, your self-image, seeing yourself better.0:21:09.003 --> 0:21:15.110That's really about how you work towards a secure attachment style.0:21:15.745 --> 0:21:17.085It's about working on your self-worth, working on your self-image, working on yourself.0:21:17.465 --> 0:21:18.845It's the old adage.0:21:19.045 --> 0:21:22.666I mean, you can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy with yourself.0:21:22.726 --> 0:21:25.087If you're not happy with yourself, if you're insecure with yourself,0:21:25.688 --> 0:21:28.069Of course, you're going to be insecure in a relationship.0:21:28.229 --> 0:21:37.314I think avoidant attachment styles are probably just a different way of expressing insecurity.0:21:39.635 --> 0:21:52.522So it's just a matter of working on your self-worth, working through those things in your past and coming to a place where you feel solid and good on your own and0:21:53.542 --> 0:21:56.125and good enough to partner up with someone else.0:21:56.706 --> 0:22:04.089But it's really kind of like an oxymoron because you have to feel good on your own to be with someone else.0:22:04.089 --> 0:22:13.503I always recommend, you know, overthinking the way back to not for too long, pick it up, put it down is what I always say.0:22:13.523 --> 0:22:13.563Um,0:22:14.412 --> 0:22:17.276But overthinking the way back, where did it come from?0:22:17.316 --> 0:22:18.217Where did it start?0:22:18.278 --> 0:22:23.305Like I said, I can see where my anxious attachment style started way back.0:22:24.086 --> 0:22:27.270I can kind of follow it through and then kind of try to break it.0:22:27.290 --> 0:22:30.915I always advocate...0:22:31.616 --> 0:22:40.466I mean, for me personally, I don't advocate for it, but I, for me personally, I always kind of overthink the way back and then go, okay, I get it.0:22:40.506 --> 0:22:43.870Like I have to just me personally, how my brain works.0:22:43.930 --> 0:22:46.693I have to understand it to let it go.0:22:46.714 --> 0:22:46.754So.0:22:49.298 --> 0:22:57.703if you can kind of overthink where it started, pick it up, put it down, overthink it and do better is kind of my mantra.0:22:58.239 --> 0:23:10.688It's really where the name came from, from this podcast, Overthinking in Your Underwear, a self-help podcast, is I needed to overthink my way to happiness.0:23:10.788 --> 0:23:15.071I needed to understand everything in order to come out better on the other side.0:23:15.121 --> 0:23:16.804I hope this is helpful for you.0:23:17.525 --> 0:23:23.452Again, we'll continue to overthink other things in the future, failure, all of it.0:23:23.592 --> 0:23:27.237Let's overthink it all, you guys.0:23:27.537 --> 0:23:30.340Until next time, I am wishing you all good thoughts. 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