As a guy who attempts to be logical, I gotta get this off my chest. We get around this time every year and this has always bugged me. I’ve been staring at the calendar for my whole life and it’s time I addressed it. What is the deal with these month names?
December. The twelfth month. Twelve.
But the name is December. That’s supposed to be the tenth month, right?
Like decimal, decathlon. Ten. TEN.
But no, it’s the twelfth month.
What?
And September. Sept means seven, septuplets, septuagenarian. Everybody knows that. Seven! But it’s the ninth month?
October. Octo, octopus, octave, octomom. Eight. But it’s the tenth?
November. Nine. Novena. Nonuplets. Eleventh month?
And then December, ten, but it’s December, the end of the year!
Meanwhile, the calendar shrugs and says, “Yeah, that’s correct.”
It’s not correct.
It’s a godam chronological felony.
How did this mess happen?
Why? Of course, the Romans are to blame.
Because originally, the Roman calendar had ten months.
March kicked it off. First month. Made sense. Everything popping, spring. Then December was number ten. No sweat there. Logical.
But then they tacked on January and February at the beginning. All right. Year’s longer than they figured. Need twelve months. Whatever.
But did they renumber everything? Nah.They just left September through December with the old numbers even though now they were the ninth, tenth, eleventh, and twelfth months.
All because of those damn emperors Julius Caesar and Caesar Augustus.
They’re lounging around, eating enough to keep the attendants at the vomitorium on their toes. Watching some gladiator get eviscerated. Perfect day, right? Someone looks at the calendar, and they see those energy filled summer months.
Then Julius points at the calendar and goes, “Hey, I think I deserve a nice month.”
Augustus nodded like an idiot.
“Hell yes! Me too. Let’s get a warm one. Call ’em July and August. The sun, the heat, women needing less clothing! That’ll be awesome!”
So, these two egomaniacs boot poor old Quintilis and Sextilis right out of the rotation, Perfectly respectable, numerically accurate months.
They just shoved their names in there, rebranded them as July and August. Because nothing screams “legacy” like hijacking prime weather.
It’s always some stupid reason. Some inane, self-aggrandizing reason by someone with absolute power that screws up everything for everyone else.
Meanwhile, we have to put up with winter months that are stuck with these old numbers that don’t even match anymore.
It’s like getting an egg salad sandwich that’s been sitting out for three hours. It’s just off. It’s a calendar that makes my eyes twitch every time I think about it.
We need to fix this! We need to knock off July and August! Then rename the last two months. Eleventh-ber and Twelfth-ber or something. If some buffoon can just rename the Gulf of Mexico, we can change the calendar.
It’s a calendar system built on vanity and inaccuracy. And I’m the only one who seems to give a s**t. Infuriating, I tells ya!
Hey! You’ve made it to the end. Thanks for that.
Check out my detective novel!
Follow me here!
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit craigtysonadams.substack.com
