Having a spouse who frequently wants to control you can be frustrating. But control issues commonly come from a specific place. Typically, they are rooted in fear, underlying mental health issues (sometimes linked to fear), perfectionism, low self-esteem, betrayal, insecurities, or unhealthy ideas of what a relationship should look like. Knowing where your spouse’s desire to control comes from will likely help you feel more compassionate and understanding towards your spouse. Once you can see the source of the issues, you may be able to alleviate some of your spouse’s fears, get professional help, or set appropriate boundaries so that your marriage can thrive.

Sometimes, when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it is hard to see it at the time. Knowing the signs of abuse can help you recognize it if your romantic relationship is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is always a pattern, so seeing one of these signs once, or noticing them during conflict is not a sign of emotional abuse. However, if you are seeing a number of the signs repeating themselves in your romantic relationship, that’s a sign that your partner is emotionally abusive. Some of the signs of emotional abuse include: gaslighting, unpredictability, isolation, criticism and blaming, avoiding responsibility for unacceptable behavior, deliberate accidents, control, blame, shame, and humiliation. It’s important to recognize these signs and realize you are in an emotionally abusive relationship so that you can set boundaries to keep yourself safe from emotional abuse.

Infidelity is a difficult, often traumatic experience, and the process of healing takes time. Understanding the effects of betrayal trauma as well as the signs that your spouse is trustworthy again can help you in the journey of healing and rebuilding trust in your marriage (provided your spouse is in a place where they can be trusted again). While to some degree, every betrayed spouse’s response to betrayal is different, there are also common trauma reactions that most betrayed spouses experience to one degree or another that can make it hard to trust your spouse again, and recognizing these responses is an important part of healing and rebuilding trust in your marriage. There are also certain things to watch for that will help you determine whether or not your spouse is now committed to acting with openness, honesty and integrity in your relationship. Some signs of trustworthiness include: decreased defensiveness, voices their commitment to the marriage, accepts responsibility, demonstrates personal growth, is willing to be accountable, and demonstrates a preference towards honesty over self-protection. If these are present in your marriage, it is likely that you can begin to trust your spouse again as you work on rebuilding your relationship.

Understanding the five pillars of attachment helps you understand how your relationship with your primary caregiver has influenced the way you interact with your romantic partner. The five pillars of attachment are: a sense of felt safety, a sense of being seen and known (attunement), the experience of felt comfort (soothing), a sense of being valued (expressed delight), and a sense of support for being and becoming one’s unique best self. It is natural that if your attachment needs were not met as a child, your relationship with your spouse will suffer in some way. Feeling unworthy of your spouse’s affection, feeling you should constantly be fussing over your spouse, or being unable to handle conflict are all possible signs of a poor attachment bond with a caregiver that is affecting your relationship with your spouse. The good news about attachment is that even if you didn’t have a parent who was able to meet your attachment needs, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Listen to this episode to learn more about how to grow into a more secure attachment with your spouse.

Infidelity can happen for many reasons, and individuals can experience it differently. Some spouses are fully aware of what they did and how it happened. Other spouses feel disconnected from their actions, and unsure about how they got there. There are a number of things that make a marriage more vulnerable to infidelity. These include: low marital satisfaction, a lack of sexual intimacy, doubts the marriage will last, multiple sexual partners prior to marriage, crisis, psychiatric problems, infertility, and gender-role conflict. Some of these are not issues for all couples, but they can all be a contributing factor to infidelity in some marriages. Regardless of any obstacles that may come up in your marriage, or even if you have had sexual infidelity in your marriage, there is hope for you and your spouse. If you both commit to working on your marriage and taking responsibility for your actions, there is hope for you to have a thriving, passionate marriage.

Children always bring changes in your relationship with your spouse. It can be a challenge to create time for your spouse when the demands of parenting are competing for your time, but it’s important to prioritize making time for your spouse, and it is no less important during a pandemic. Society places a lot of demands on parents to have their kids excel In different areas. And there are some practical ways that you can balance the demands of parenting with making time for your spouse. You can be intentional about having a stress-reducing conversation with your spouse to express any frustrations either of you may have felt during the day. You can also be really intentional about creating time to spend just with one another. Furthermore, you can discuss the division of labor in your marriage, learn to communicate with kindness, and cultivate a friendship between each other. By making time for your marriage, you’re really benefiting both your marriage and your kids, since having a strong marriage also provides your children with a sense of security.

Denial is common with any addiction, and pornography addiction is no exception. In this episode, we discuss how wives can approach their husbands about their pornography problem tactfully, yet deliberately. Confrontation is difficult, and in preparing to approach your husband it’s important to consider what you want to communicate beforehand. It is also best to have a softer approach, as an angry approach is more likely to make your husband defensive. Certainly, you should set expectations and boundaries, but also give him a chance to respond to you and try to understand his perspective. Don’t excuse his behavior, but be willing to hear him out. After the confrontation, give yourself time to go through your own healing process, and consider working with a therapist who works with betrayal trauma.

The present situation with the Coronavirus is affecting our lives significantly, and is likely impacting your marriage as well. Like any crisis, the Coronavirus is likely to cause increased stress levels for you and your spouse, as you experience the loss of ordinary activities and regular routines. Stress will affect you and your spouse differently, so it’s important to recognize how it is affecting your spouse, and to offer them your support. In the midst of the current crisis, it is helpful to realize that the way you deal with stress probably reflects the way you learned to deal with it in your family of origin. It is worth discussing how stress was handled in the family you grew up in, as well as how your attachment style is impacting how you are handling the situation. In this episode, we also offer other tips for how to meet one another’s needs as a couple, as you navigate the crisis together.

There are a few key things to know about disclosure before going into it. First of all, it is always better to disclose infidelity to your spouse willingly, rather than to have them discover it and be forced to disclose. Furthermore, it is much better to be honest with your spouse and disclose fully, rather than in small steps, which will hurt your spouse even more. Disclosure is never easy, but being open and honest with your spouse (apart from inappropriate details) is always the best way to go about it. Another thing is to be considerate of is the timing of your disclosure. Do your best not to overwhelm your spouse by disclosing at a very inopportune time. Approaching a disclosure with empathy is also helpful. Be apologetic, but don’t ask for forgiveness right away. Finally, be sure that your spouse has adequate support to help them deal with the betrayal, whether through friends or family, or a professional counselor. Following these guidelines when disclosing infidelity is extremely important given the pain that infidelity causes to a spouse.

There are numerous different groups for helping people break out of pornography and sex addiction. It can be hard to know which one to choose. In this episode, we provide information about six different groups that are available. Pure Desire offers faith-based group for pornography and sex addiction with trained counselors who help individuals break free from pornography or sex addiction. Celebrate Recovery offers faith-based groups based on a 12-step program that are designed to help with hurt, pain, or addiction of any kind. Sexaholics Anonymous is designed specifically to help people with sex and pornography addictions, and is not associated with any religion. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is also a non-religious group, and they focus on dealing with some of the underlying relational issues as well as sex or pornography addictions. L.I.F.E. Recovery International offers faith-based groups, and was designed by one of the leading experts in the field of sex addiction. The King’s Men is a Catholic group that deals with pornography addiction and sexual morality in general. This episode provides details on each group including cost, location, whether they are in-person or online, who group leaders are, if they are geared towards porn and sex addiction, if they are for both genders or just men, and whether or not they are religious in nature. It also examines the strengths and weaknesses of each group as compared to the others, which should simplify the process of choosing a group for anyone considering joining a group.