You love your partner and you'd choose them again if you had to do it all over, so why did you stop wanting sex with them?As a couples therapist, this is one of the most common things I hear from couples, and it's almost never about love running out.In this episode, I break down why love and desire run on completely different systems, how safety and familiarity can quietly work against your sex life, what becoming a parent does to desire (and why being touched out is different from just being tired), how resentment blocks desire and why waiting for spontaneous desire to strike is a myth that's setting you up to wait forever.I also share practical ways to bring the spark back without adding pressure, including the difference between wanting and willing and one simple exercise you can try tonight. If you've been quietly wondering whether something's wrong with you or your relationship, this episode is for you.Free conflict workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/Free guide to sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/0:00 Why you can love someone and still not want sex with them6:00 Becoming a parent and feeling touched out12:00 Resentment and the mental load15:00 Why waiting for spontaneous desire is a myth20:00 Bringing back novelty, fun and playfulnessENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no.This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it.Things DiscussedThe listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to wantWhy differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some pointWhat shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changesWhy a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatibleThe meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itselfSexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to goWhy there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to themThe golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequenceHow affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding handsBeing lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the nightResponsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long timeWhy planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romanceWhy the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connectionEmily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivitiesTaking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relaxHow to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draftThe sex education most of us got, and what it left outTimestamps0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships3:00 What changes desire over time4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no4:50 There is no normal frequency6:30 How affection slides off the agenda8:00 Lonely in the same house9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts12:50 Why the weekend away backfires13:40 Accelerators and brakes14:40 Taking sex off the table16:10 How to start the conversation17:40 You are not failing at anythingResources and LinksFree guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMgBooks mentionedCome As You Are by Emily Nagoski Come Together by Emily NagoskiKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to.ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week.Things we discussedHow a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcastWhy being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviourThe anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnightTurning the school morning into a game instead of a fightThe difference between willpower and building a system around yourselfWhat has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five yearsTrauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they areHow Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listenersWorking out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualifiedWhy almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationshipWhat makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflectiveTimestamps0:00 Intro1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels12:40 The story that stayed with her16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story27:20 What makes you hard to live withAbout SanaSana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email [email protected] and linksAll in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcastsKeep the conversation goingGot a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction.Things DiscussedThe origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many peopleWhy the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not researchWhat the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claimsWhy having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfactionThe ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosisWhy love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kidsResponsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfactionLove maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costsPractical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation goingTimestamps0:00 Introduction1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world10:30 What to do instead13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get supportResources and LinksThe 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Keep the Conversation Goingforms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.What this episode coversWhat defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality traitCriticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responsesHow to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experienceThe shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thingHow past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you sayWhy some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t oneWhat to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startupLeading with curiosity instead of accusationHow to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrongTimestamps0:00 Introduction2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephraseResources and LinksConflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is.Things DiscussedThe many different types of grief, and why having language for them helpsAnticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementiaThe things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harderWhy two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangersGrief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years laterHow to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they needWhat to do when grief comes out as angerWhy comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirelyTimestamps0:00 Why we don't talk about grief0:30 The many types of grief2:20 My first experiences of grief5:30 Grief and love arrive together9:30 What not to say to someone grieving13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers17:40 How to actually show up for someone22:30 Anticipatory griefResources and LinksInside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health ProfessionalsWork with a therapistQuestion or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Keep the Conversation GoingGot a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room.What this episode coversWhy what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually meansThe plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tendedFive signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connectingWhy this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attentionThe emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraftBids for connection and the three ways we respond to themWhy weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works insteadHow to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviourWhy tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's deliveredHow to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to failThe marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversationSmall deposits to start todayTimestamps0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love5:30 Five signs you've drifted15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship20:00 What actually works23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank27:00 How to start the conversation32:00 Picking the right time35:00 The marathon session storyResources and LinksRelationship Reset courseOpen-ended questions for couplesMarathon sessions at The Therapy HubKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakisWebsite: marievakakis.com.auENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You're spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody's fighting, nothing is obviously broken. Something feels completely off and you can't quite point to it. In this episode I walk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even when everything looks fine from the outside.What this episode coversSign 1: Questions that became routine rather than curious, and why knowing what's happening in your partner's life makes you better at asking the follow-upSign 2: Physical affection quietly dropping, not just sex but the small everyday moments of touch, and why this can happen so slowly that hugging each other starts to feel slightly foreignSign 3: Managing each other instead of talking, when the relationship starts to run like a workplace, and why that efficiency is a warning sign rather than a sign of maturitySign 4: The phone as a barrier and an escape, what it signals when someone reaches for their device in uncomfortable moments, and the case for tech-free time togetherSign 5: They stop mentioning the things that bother them, why silence in a relationship isn't always peace, and what it actually means when someone stops trying to bring things upSign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter, from milestones and anniversaries to tough days, and how what counts as showing up changes over timeSign 7: No more future talk, why planning together is one of the clearest signals of investment, and what it means when those conversations fall off the radarWhy this usually develops: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, and a slow accumulation of unresolved thingsHow to start the conversation without putting your partner on the defensiveWhen to get outside support and what that might look likeTimestamps0:00 Introduction1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking9:30 Sign 4: The phone13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversationResources and LinksRelationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.auFree Conflict Workbook: marievakakis.com.auConnected Teens parenting courseMarathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: thetherapyhub.com.auConnected Teen: marievakakis.com.auKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakisWebsite: marievakakis.com.auENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name.You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it.What this episode coversWhat it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loudThe difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painfulHow loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic eventThe Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over timeHow conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharingWhy this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotionThe headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attentionHow to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fightWhat to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut downWhy loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdictTimestamps4:00 What relational loneliness actually is12:30 Conflict style and disconnection22:00 How to start the conversation28:00 When to get outside support30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdictResources and LinksRelationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated.Free Conflict WorkbookRelated episode: Drifting Apart in a RelationshipRelated episode: Bids for connection Keep the Conversation GoingGot a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakisWebsite: marievakakis.com.au

You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead.What this episode coversWhy never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to meanThe HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflictMonica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about itWhy an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of youWhat Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couplesThe wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated momentWhy understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with themHow to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argumentWhat to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fineMonica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad adviceTimestamps0:00 Introduction1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking9:00 The thought download exercise12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement19:30 Being curious without being condescending20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamicResources and LinksMonica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.auKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.auMonica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com.website: https://monicatanner.comInstagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriageYoutube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter