Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing.What this episode coversWhat defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality traitCriticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responsesHow to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experienceThe shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thingHow past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you sayWhy some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t oneWhat to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startupLeading with curiosity instead of accusationHow to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrongTimestamps0:00 Introduction2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephraseResources and LinksConflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is.Things DiscussedThe many different types of grief, and why having language for them helpsAnticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementiaThe things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harderWhy two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangersGrief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years laterHow to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they needWhat to do when grief comes out as angerWhy comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirelyTimestamps0:00 Why we don't talk about grief0:30 The many types of grief2:20 My first experiences of grief5:30 Grief and love arrive together9:30 What not to say to someone grieving13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers17:40 How to actually show up for someone22:30 Anticipatory griefResources and LinksInside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health ProfessionalsWork with a therapistQuestion or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Keep the Conversation GoingGot a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room.What this episode coversWhy what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually meansThe plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tendedFive signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connectingWhy this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attentionThe emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraftBids for connection and the three ways we respond to themWhy weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works insteadHow to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviourWhy tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's deliveredHow to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to failThe marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversationSmall deposits to start todayTimestamps0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love5:30 Five signs you've drifted15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship20:00 What actually works23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank27:00 How to start the conversation32:00 Picking the right time35:00 The marathon session storyResources and LinksRelationship Reset courseOpen-ended questions for couplesMarathon sessions at The Therapy HubKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakisWebsite: marievakakis.com.auENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You're spending time together. Dinners, dog walks, evenings on the couch. Nobody's fighting, nothing is obviously broken. Something feels completely off and you can't quite point to it. In this episode I walk through seven signs your partner might be emotionally checked out, even when everything looks fine from the outside.What this episode coversSign 1: Questions that became routine rather than curious, and why knowing what's happening in your partner's life makes you better at asking the follow-upSign 2: Physical affection quietly dropping, not just sex but the small everyday moments of touch, and why this can happen so slowly that hugging each other starts to feel slightly foreignSign 3: Managing each other instead of talking, when the relationship starts to run like a workplace, and why that efficiency is a warning sign rather than a sign of maturitySign 4: The phone as a barrier and an escape, what it signals when someone reaches for their device in uncomfortable moments, and the case for tech-free time togetherSign 5: They stop mentioning the things that bother them, why silence in a relationship isn't always peace, and what it actually means when someone stops trying to bring things upSign 6: They stop showing up for the moments that matter, from milestones and anniversaries to tough days, and how what counts as showing up changes over timeSign 7: No more future talk, why planning together is one of the clearest signals of investment, and what it means when those conversations fall off the radarWhy this usually develops: missed bids for connection, fights that end in stonewalling without repair, and a slow accumulation of unresolved thingsHow to start the conversation without putting your partner on the defensiveWhen to get outside support and what that might look likeTimestamps0:00 Introduction1:30 Sign 1: Questions that became routine5:30 Sign 2: Physical affection drops8:00 Sign 3: Managing each other not talking9:30 Sign 4: The phone13:30 Sign 5: They stop sharing what bothers them16:00 Sign 6: They stop showing up for big moments19:00 Sign 7: No more future talk20:30 Why it develops and how to start the conversationResources and LinksRelationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.auFree Conflict Workbook: marievakakis.com.auConnected Teens parenting courseMarathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: thetherapyhub.com.auConnected Teen: marievakakis.com.auKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakisWebsite: marievakakis.com.auENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Feeling lonely in a relationship even a good one? This is one of the most common things I hear in therapy, and one of the hardest feelings to name.You're in a relationship with someone you love. Nothing dramatic is wrong, there's no big fight, no obvious reason and most of the time you feel lonely. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it's one of the most common things I hear across both individual and couples therapy. In this episode I talk about what relational loneliness actually is, how it develops, why it's so hard to name, and what to do with it.What this episode coversWhat it means to feel lonely in the presence of someone who loves you, and why it's more common than most people feel permitted to say out loudThe difference between being alone and feeling lonely, and why relational loneliness is often more painfulHow loneliness in a relationship develops gradually through small missed moments of connection rather than one dramatic eventThe Gottman concepts of turning towards and turning away, and how missed bids for connection accumulate over timeHow conflict style contributes to loneliness: when sharing something doesn't land well, we quietly stop sharingWhy this feeling is so hard to name: guilt, fear of seeming ungrateful, and not feeling entitled to the emotionThe headache metaphor: loneliness as a symptom that signals something underneath needs attentionHow to start the conversation with your partner without it turning into a fightWhat to do when every attempt to raise it gets shut downWhy loneliness in a relationship is information, not a verdictTimestamps4:00 What relational loneliness actually is12:30 Conflict style and disconnection22:00 How to start the conversation28:00 When to get outside support30:00 Loneliness is information, not a verdictResources and LinksRelationship Reset course: This is where to start if this episode resonated.Free Conflict WorkbookRelated episode: Drifting Apart in a RelationshipRelated episode: Bids for connection Keep the Conversation GoingGot a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakisWebsite: marievakakis.com.au

You've probably received the same relationship advice everyone gets. Never go to bed angry. Just communicate more. Send them the link. Some of it sounds reasonable and most of it gets misapplied in ways that create more problems than they solve. Monica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host and author of the Amazon bestselling book Bad Marriage Advice, and she joins me to talk about what couples have been taught that isn't actually helping them, and what works instead.What this episode coversWhy never going to bed angry is one of the most misunderstood pieces of relationship advice and what it was actually meant to meanThe HALTS acronym and why timing matters more than most couples realise when trying to work through conflictMonica's thought download exercise: how to separate what's actually happened from the story you're telling yourself about itWhy an outsized reaction from your partner is almost never about what's happening right in front of youWhat Relational Life Therapy is and how the three phase approach works with couplesThe wise adult versus the adaptive child and what bringing yourself back online actually looks like in a heated momentWhy understanding your partner doesn't mean agreeing with themHow to share something you've learned with your partner without it turning into another argumentWhat to do when one partner is unhappy and the other thinks everything is fineMonica's through line: if advice dampens communication, it's bad adviceTimestamps0:00 Introduction1:00 How Bad Marriage Advice came about2:30 Never go to bed angry: what it actually means5:00 Monica's personal experience and what changed7:30 HALTS and responsible distance taking9:00 The thought download exercise12:00 Empathy for deeply ingrained beliefs 13:00 What Relational Life Therapy is15:30 How Monica and her husband navigate things now17:00 If it's hysterical it's historical18:00 Understanding does not equal agreement19:30 Being curious without being condescending20:00 Walking on eggshells and when to get help21:30 How to introduce this to your partner without it backfiring24:00 Sending 30 reels and what it really means27:00 When one partner wants to work on things and the other doesn't30:00 Why going to therapy alone can still shift a dynamicResources and LinksMonica Tanner's website: monicatanner.com Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast: monicatanner.com Bad Marriage Advice by Monica Tanner: available on Amazon Relationship Reset course: marievakakis.com.auKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.auMonica Tanner is a Relational Life Therapy certified relationship coach, podcast host of Secrets of Happily Ever After and author of Bad Marriage Advice. Find her at monicatanner.com.website: https://monicatanner.comInstagram: https://instagram.com/monitalksmarriageYoutube: https://youtube.com/@secretsofhappilyeverafter

If you've ever agreed to something and immediately regretted it, apologised for something that wasn't your fault, or changed your opinion halfway through a conversation just to keep the peace, this episode is for you. The fawn response is one of the least understood nervous system patterns and one of the most invisible. It looks like being easygoing, warm and accommodating. From the outside it can be indistinguishable from kindness. The cost of it is paid quietly, and over time.What this episode coversWhat the fawn response is and how it sits alongside fight, flight and freeze as a distinct nervous system patternThe research behind it including Pete Walker's clinical work and what polyvagal theory adds to our understandingHow fawning shows up day to day: constant apologising, abandoning your opinions mid-conversation, shape shifting between social groups, and checking behaviours in relationshipsWhy fawning gets mistaken for being a good person and how it gets culturally rewarded, particularly for womenWhere the fawn response comes from and why it almost always starts in childhoodWhat fawning is actually costing you: chronic low-level resentment, disconnection, and a gradual loss of your own sense of self and preferencesThe difference between fawning and genuine kindness, and the body test that tells you which one you're doingWhether fawning is always a trauma responseWhat to actually do about it, starting with low-stakes moments and one phrase that changes everythingWhether the fawn response goes away once you recognise itTimestamps0:00 Introduction 1:00 What the fawn response is and where the research comes from 3:00 Fight, flight, freeze and fawn explained 4:30 How fawning shows up in everyday life 10:00 Why fawning gets mistaken for being a good person 12:00 Where the fawn response comes from 16:00 Why fawning rather than fight or flight 19:00 What it's actually costing you 22:00 How fawning creates distance not closeness 23:00 What to actually do about it 26:00 Low-stakes practice 30:00 When to seek support 31:00 Q&A: Is fawning the same as people pleasing? 32:00 Q&A: Is fawning always a trauma response? 33:00 Q&A: How do I know if I'm fawning or just being nice? 35:00 Q&A: Can fawning develop in adulthood? 36:30 Q&A: Does fawning go away once you recognise it?Keep the Conversation GoingGot a question or something this episode stirred up? Send it through and it might become an Ask Marie episode: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au

Most couples have had the same money argument dozens of times without ever having the real conversation underneath it. Research shows that 58% of Australian couples report finances as a major source of conflict, and a study of over 5,500 couples found the pattern of the conversation predicted the outcome, not the financial situation.This episode covers:Why money fights are almost never about the moneyThe money stories we carry from childhood and how they shape every conversation about financesHow money becomes about power, identity and influence in a relationshipThe gendered lens we bring to money conversations and why it mattersQuestions to ask your partner to open the conversation rather than shut it downWhy curiosity before problem solving is the thing that actually changes thingsENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Sex and disability. Two words most people still find uncomfortable in the same sentence. I sat down with sexologist Casey Payne to talk about what we get wrong, why pleasure belongs to everyone regardless of how their body works, and what it actually looks like to reclaim intimacy after disability, illness, or a body that's changed.Things DiscussedWhy disability and sexuality are both taboo and what happens when you put them togetherRedefining sex beyond intercourse and why that matters for anyone whose body has changedThe orgasm gap and why around 90 per cent of women can't orgasm through penetration aloneHow carers and parents can support sexual autonomy without having every conversation themselvesPractical ways to start reclaiming pleasure after illness, injury, or chronic health conditionsHow to find a sexologist in Australia and what to expectChapter Timestamps[00:00] Sex and disability: why this conversation matters[03:00] Redefining what sex actually is[06:30] Body image and who sex is for[09:00] The orgasm gap and sex toys as tools[13:00] Carers, parents and adult sexuality[18:30] How sex education lowers abuse risk[22:00] Reclaiming sexuality after disability[26:00] Starting with pleasure, not sex[28:00] What sex education should look like[29:30] How to find a sexologist in AustraliaResources and LinksThe Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, includes a workbookThe Orgasm Gap by Karen GurneySex Education on Netflix, seasons 1 and 2 recommendedSociety of Australian Sexologists: sexologist.org.auPleasure Pixel professional development course for support workers: pleasurepixel.com.auFree resource on getting comfortable talking about sex: marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sexKeep the Conversation GoingDownload the free resource at marievakakis.com.au/time-to-get-comfortable-talking-about-sexGot a question about sex, intimacy, or relationships? Submit it at forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 and it might feature in a future Ask Marie episode.If this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need it. A rating on Apple Podcasts helps more people find the show.Guest InformationCasey Payne is a sexologist specialising in sexual health, disability, and intimacy, with a professional development course for support workers and other resources for adults at pleasurepixel.com.au.About the Showhttps://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/https://www.linkedin.com/in/marievakakis/https://www.youtube.com/@marievakakisfacebook.com/marievakakisconsulting

The ick in dating, it’s that moment where someone does something completely normal, and your whole body just shuts down. A 2025 study found that 64% of people have felt it, and about a quarter ended the relationship because of it. It is a real psychological phenomenon, and it might be telling you more about yourself than the person across the table.This episode covers:What the ick actually is and why it happensRed flags versus superficial triggersHow shame, projection and avoidant attachment show up as the ickWhether we are being too picky in the wrong ways and not picky enough in the right onesWhat to do when the ick shows up in your relationshipResources:If you want to move from reacting to reflecting, download my Conflict & Connection Guide to help you navigate those moments of disconnect.https://marievakakis.com.au/working-with-conflict-in-couples-therapy/https://www.huffpost.com/entry/guys-things-women-do-ick_l_65fdc42fe4b087dad305664b