Brian Mayer is excited to talk to Blended Family Coach Brittany Simo.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Brittany Simo is a Blended Family Coach. Her expertise is relationships in blended families. Divorce and remarriage have been a part of her whole life, as well as generations before her. She is currently a stepmom to two kids. She is close friends with their biological mother-she is even a bridesmaid in Brittany’s upcoming wedding! She says that while friendship is not the goal of blended families, the status and health of the relationships in blended families make all the difference. From experience and studies, she offers authentic assistance to those who are struggling in the blended family chaos they call life. Brittany shares many helpful tips and mindset shifts when it comes to how we deal with the ex-spouse and the other biological parent especially when you are the new parent entering into this new blended family. These relationships often develop under very stressful situations and there can often be very hard feelings even anger. Often anger arises when one or both parties feel that they will not have some kind of say in the kids lives.  Brittany teaches us to remember that the step parent is not there to replace a bio parent but to be a very valuable supplement to help raise and take care of the children. Brittany’s mentions that not every step parent develops a solid friendship with the other parent, but she did. She talks about what she did and the mindset around making that shift.  Brittany is active on Facebook and Instagram. She also offers coaching services as well to help you in your blended family journey. Her information is in the Resources section below.  Resources: Website: brittanysimo.com Instagram: blendedwithbritt Facebook:  Coach Brittany Email: [email protected]   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ. You might be wondering how this would have anything to do with how I communicate with my spouse, but as you will see by the time we end today there is a strong connection.  I saved this episode for the last in our series because I do believe that it is the cornerstone for all the rest. You may have read in the bible that Jesus is considered the cornerstone.  The definition of a cornerstone is a “stone that forms the base of a corner of a building, joining two walls.” As such Jesus is the cornerstone that brings together the other 9 episodes on communication with this one. There may be some of you that listen to this podcast who are not Christian or that take offense to Christianity. I often think a lot of this has to do with the human beings that have mistreated you or maybe twisted things.  It could even come from the belief that Christianity is not inclusive.  I am not here today to argue any of these points, but rather to share some helpful scripture that may help in how you communicate with your spouse. As you may or may not know Jesus was known for speaking the “truth in love.” He had a way of speaking about what was right, just, and moral, but he did it in a way that was caring and loving.  I love what 1 Peter 3:15 says about this. It says “… in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.  So if we have an issue with someone in our life, we should bring that issue to them by speaking the truth about whether it is building up or tearing down. But again we must do it in a way that is gentle.    Other than the anger that Jesus showed when people were turning a place of worship into a place of money exchange where things were bought and sold, he was always very gentle and kind to those who were considered “less than” in his society. So what some ways to cultivate your relationship with Jesus and also what are the benefits? Lets discuss that now:  Quiet Prayer: Getting alone in a room such as a closet or maybe even going out in nature can help increase hearing what many call the quiet still voice of the Lord.  Above all in prayer focus on thanking the Lord for all he has done and to desire simply to increase the relationship.  Make it less about a list of what you “want.”  Scripture Reading About Communication: There are many passages about communication that can be very helpful to meditate on and memorize to recall when you need them.  Here are a few:  James 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 3:3-5 - When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  Proverbs 18:13 - Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. Gathering With Others Who Have Strong Marriages and uphold Christ at the Center of the Marriage – Learning from others in this position who have strong relationships but are willing to also share when they mess up can be so incredibly powerful, encouraging and helpful. Find and Attend a good Bible believing Church. If you find a church like this you will quite often be exposed to sermons about healthy ways to communicate with and treat your spouse.  Do this for several years and the good will continue to accumulate.  Teach others About What Has Worked for You and Your Spouse. There is nothing like cementing what you have learned about good communication from your prayer time, reading the Bible, attending church, and learning from others that will help when you share with others.  This will often come back to strengthen your relationship and communication.  We really hope you have enjoyed this entire series on communication. Please go back through episodes 182  through this one which is 191 and you will get all sorts of great information and perspectives on how to make your communication with your spouse and your family even healthier.    Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about self reflection. Self reflection is the idea of thinking about ourself more than our partner and to understand how our actions and reactions affect our partner.  Self reflection is a lost art because we often thing about the people and world around us as affecting how we respond. However, it can be argued that we learned how we react long ago to things going on outside ourselves.  For example when our partner keeps repeating themselves over and over again, usually our first thought is how irritating they are being. We might say back I have heard you say this over and over again to me and I am tired of hearing it.  But what if we flipped it and said either to our partner or to ourselves, I wonder what I might be doing that might that could be increasing my partner repeating themselves. It could be that you don’t acknowledge genuinely what your partner says. Or maybe you don’t take at least some responsibility for your part in the interaction or thing your partner is upset about.  So again very easy to focus on what others are doing that are causing us issues, but more difficult to shine a light on ourselves. Now of course as with anything the pendulum can swing too far the other way where we constantly let others off the hook for their actions but if we can work to have the balance of our thoughts stay centered on how we are thinking feeling and acting in a situation the better our relationships generally can be. So how can we focus on this thing called self-reflection? Let’s talk about some ways:  Ask yourself where you learned to respond in a particular way to an issue or event. For example where did you learn that being a harsh disciplinarian was better than encouraging a child to voice their feelings about something they did wrong? Ask how your action/reaction is affecting your partners action/reaction. We often think in reverse about how our partners action causes us to respond.  When your partner asks if you can do something differently, if you are able to simply and genuinely say that you will consider it an issue that needs to be worked on. Again we typically do not respond in this manner.  We usually get defensive and explain this will not change until the other person changes.  Take a personality test like Myers Briggs or the Enneagram. The goal of taking these is to of course understand what you are doing, but more importantly to understand why we do what we do.  Often the things we learn about ourselves can be a positive or healthy but when out of balance can be very unhealthy.  Speak to a good therapist who is trained in helping with self reflection.   Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In a romantic relationship, the longer we are together the more we may begin what feels like a wrestling for power. It may happen in big situations like how to handle parenting or deal with an ex-spouse. It could happen with even small things like where best to put the sugar in the pantry.  Obviously as we gain more comfort with our partner in a relationship it is bound that these things will happen. Both people in the relationship believe that power distribution should be equal in most every situation and if one or both people believe it is not, then it can certainly cause tension and disagreements. Power struggles obviously make it very difficult to reach a compromise or agreements. Often the inability to compromise may come from childhood or past relationships. If you or your partner never saw good conflict management growing up then of course it is going to be difficult to know how to resolve issues.  Maybe in a past relationship you felt completely controlled. And as such you refuse to allow that feeling to happen again.  So you stand up for everything you disagree with.  Often we don’t back down from something because we believe something bad will result or maybe we have a fear. Often though many times these beliefs are irrational. Or sometimes we thinking backing down shows that we aren’t strong or can’t stand up for ourselves. Again as with everything we are talking about there can be a lot at play in pushing us in one direction or another. So lets talk some suggestions for solutions: Talk About Your Histories. Talk about your childhood and past relationship when it came time to share power and decision making.  The more you know and understand about your partner, the better.  Talk About Your Fears. Does giving in mean that you think something negative will happen?  Express these to each other.  Be honest with yourself about the likelihood that this will happen if you give in.  One Manager, One Employee. If there is a power struggle in a situation, decide if you can be okay that one person manages and makes decisions and the other helps carry them out.  Each Give a Little. Is there something small that you each can give in on to make something happen.  Try it Your Way This Time and Mine Next. Agree to try it one of your ways this time and reassess and then if it is not working, try something else or try it your partner’s way.  Don’t gloat if your partner’s way does not work!  Agree to Disagree Without Resentment. This one is often not the best approach because something it doesn’t get to a solution and sometimes it is hard to do without resentment.  Talk about How it Went. After something happens, have a discussion about how it went by working to keep emotional regulation low.  Often in relationships I will hear both people might believe their partner does not yield power. One though may be loud and aggressive and the other quiet and immovable.  Both people can see the other as not yielding but in reality both are not.  Keep working at what famous couples researcher John Gottman calls “Accepting Influence” to help build trust, remove resentment, and create a greater connection. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about triggers. And before you think it is a discussion about parts of a pistol let me assure you that is not a topic we dive into on this podcast.  We are talking about emotional triggers. Emotions can often times get unleashed if something in the present moment happens to us that our brain thinks is similar to something that has happened in our past.  Most of we can really get triggered when we have experienced past traumas. What do we mean when we say traumas?  These can be things like physical abuse, emotional abuse or sexual abuse.  They can be things like sudden and unexpectedly death of a loved one. A trauma can come from other types of violence or accidents as well. Traumas can also be the opposite of this as well. A trauma can occur if we have been abandoned or neglected.  A emotional trauma can happen if a romantic partner has an affair.    Another thing about traumas is that especially those that center around violence or abuse can happen whether we experience it ourselves or witness someone else experiencing it. Unfortunately all of these things can fire up our emotions often when they are not necessary. For example, say we have been cheated on in our past. Well if our spouse comes home late 15 minutes without letting you know could stir up feelings of being abandoned.  Often we might unleash our unhappiness on someone who has done nothing wrong.  Now of course can we say with 100% certainty that something happening in the present is nothing like what happened in the past? Of course not.  But there is a higher likelihood that things that have happened in our past may be coloring our belief in what is happening in the present.  Emotional triggers can obviously cause problems in our present relationship if we are not careful. So what do we do about them?  Here are some things to remember when dealing with emotional triggers: Take each situation in life as separate. Realize that factors surrounding every situation are never identical.  Question your initial thoughts. Say to yourself is there another possible reason for why this is happening?   Tell your partner about your past traumas. Sometimes just getting it out to the person you love can help.  Putting things into the light makes it more difficult than when issues stay in the dark.  Seek counseling if the traumas from the past are deep. Sometimes it may take awhile to work on these issues by processing them with a professional.  Is there a fear that is driving the issue? And once you identify there may be a fear, then ask what is the likelihood that what I fear will happen?  Ask what is the worst thing that could happen if I left this go? Will you die?  Will you be homeless?  Will you have nothing to eat?  Will you be alone?  The answer most likely to these very drastic questions will usually be “No.”  Unfortunately our brains usually take us to these places when we get triggered.  These are just a few ways that you can work to reduce the impact that your past has had and that will make for less turmoil and tension for you and your partner. Unltimately this can of course help your communication flow more easily and gently. Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about defense mechanisms. When we feel vulnerable and or attacked in some way, we will begin to close off in some way.  Most of the time the way in which we close off involves employing some kind of defense mechanism. Now before you think this is all bad, in some ways you could argue that defense mechanisms protect us when we feel like it is not safe to show our true selves. However, when they are employed too often especially in a romantic relationship it means that something is wrong. It may often be something about individually, the person we are with or a combination of the system we find ourselves in.  Let’s talk about some very common defense mechanisms that can inhibit our connection with the one we love: Projection: This is putting your feelings onto another person as if they were the other person’s.  So for example, I might say you are just so angry when again maybe it is really me that is angry. Dissociation: This one involves checking out mentally and emotionally because the situations feels too intense.  This one often comes as a result of trauma or abuse that has been suffered at some point in the person’s life.  Regression: This one is all about reverting to an earlier stage of life because something has just become too hard.  For example reverting to playing video games that one played as a child in order to avoid something difficult in the moment.  Acting Out: This one is like an anger outburst that instead of rather calmly stating the person is angry they may instead punch a hole in the wall as a release. Denial: This one comes about often when emotional pain like shame or guilt comes about.  Often experiencing these emotions are so painful and it often works best to deny the issue.  Displacement: Taking out your frustrations on someone else because they feel safer to do so.  For example lashing out at the boss may not be safe for fear of being fired, so you take it out on your spouse or the kids.    There are many other defense mechanisms and in the moment they probably do give a sense of relief. However in the long term, it just means we may be delaying experiencing and moving through these emotions.  And then as a result they may come on more intensely and cause even great issues down the road. So what to do about these then? I will give you two suggestions to keep it simple.  One is to work to express your feelings. Now a caveat here.  Often we say we are simply expressing our feelings when we say something like “I feel upset when you act like a jerk.”  Typically this will not receive a favorable response because we have followed up a feeling with a criticism.  Sometimes but not always, if we can express our feelings as a reaction to something concrete and factual such as “I feel upset when you raise your voice” it can often be heard.  Allow someone to own their response, but possibly set a boundary if not. Maybe the response is not what you like and maybe a boundary need to be set.  So as in the example before, if the person will not change their behavior then you may need to say that when you raise your voice I will need to leave the conversation.    Lastly think about the defense mechanisms you may employ and work to see if there is anything you can do to change those for the better. Have frank conversations with your partner about which ones you employ and which ones they employ and work together to reduce or eliminate these. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies We all make assumptions about the motivation behind what we think people are doing or saying. This has no doubt become very prevalent in our culture but also in our relationships with the people we love the most.  I have heard the phrase as well around “making meaning out of something.” We do it with everything in our lives because our brains are curious to understand.  So when someone cuts us off in traffic, an immediate thought might be that they are insensitive or uncaring or even selfish.  Or let’s say with the pandemic we are currently working to come out of. I might have a tendency to judge someone that is wearing a mask as someone who is irrationally fearful.  So in these cases, I am placing my own judgment on the situation without really truly knowing or understanding what is going on. Maybe in the examples above especially with the driving example, it is quite possible that was Mother Teresa in the car and she is frantically trying to get to the hospital to meet a loved one before they die. In that case we certainly would not say she is selfish or uncaring.  What if in the mask example, the person has lost several members of their family to death for one reason or another. Maybe they are not healthy.  In that case we wouldn’t say they are irrationally fearful.    Same in a relationship. We are often making judgments or assumptions about what we think our partner is up to.  Now sometimes are assumption might be right on target but often they are not.  Assumptions can often cause unnecessary resentment to be built based on some faulty belief we have about what our spouse is doing. An example might be that I might look at my wife as thinking she thinks she is never wrong in an argument because she never says she is sorry. But I may discover at some point that she has this negative self chatter that says if I apologize it means that I am less than or not a good person.  Of course at the point she is not going to apologize but again not for reason I assumed.  Okay so all this being said what are some ways to reduce the assumption making? Lets go over some now.      We say this one all the time.  But slow your thinking.  Just ask the person you are making the assumption about. Ask them what the motivation was behind whatever they did or said.  From there try your best to take it at face value.  Realize there could be another alternative. Another way to say this is to realize there could be shades of gray available rather than something that is simply black or white.  Watch Projection. Just because you would react or respond with a specific motivation does not mean that someone else would do the same.  This is a defense mechanism where we end up making everything about ourselves.  As if some person’s actions are a direct reflection on something they are doing to us.  This is often not the case.  Reflect on your past experiences. Is there anything that is causing you to look through a specific lens in a certain way about a situation.   Practice and get in touch with these things to help reduce your assumptions that often are incorrect. Don’t forget to check out the previous 4 episodes in our 10 part series on communication. We have talked about Speaking Gently, Active Listening, Empathy, and Showing Interest.   Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about showing interest. Showing interest is a lot like empathy but I suppose without the focus on emotions.  Showing interest doesn’t have to be a lengthy cumbersome project. For example if your partner comes home from work and says she got a promotion, and you turn with bright eyes and say “Wow, how awesome is that!” you literally just showed interest.  John Gottman, well known couples researcher says that showing interest is like what he refers to as “Turning Toward.” He says that relationships are built on small moments like this.  When opportunities for interest appear we can respond in one of 3 different ways (and maybe more).    Turn Toward means to show a little bit of interest as mentioned before. Turn Away means to basically ignore or have disinterest Turn Against means to actually get angry and shut down whatever was brought up. Gottman says that we don’t have to be perfect when it comes to Turning Toward. We are all human and will sometimes be off in our game.  His research shows that couples that report general satisfaction will show some kind of interest 86% of the time.  So a high level is necessary but perfection is not necessary.  Some helpful hints when it comes to Showing Interest Be proactive by looking for ways to show interest Make sure to incorporate positive tone and body language to show your interest. Ask questions to show interest (be careful about interrogating). Open ended questions are best such “would you tell me more about that?” If you aren’t interested in something your partner is saying, wait until you might find an angle that you can banter about. For example my wife will often talk about issues at her work.  Often I have trouble knowing what to say, but when the conversation turns to say leadership qualities that she wants to work, well then I have found what I can feel comfortable talking about.  What Do You Need from Me is a great question to ask that shows interest. Touching when appropriate especially with your partner can show interest, such as putting your hand on their shoulder, etc. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about empathy. Empathy is different than sympathy.  Sympathy is more like feeling pity on someone for their misfortune. Empathy is actually understanding and sharing in the feelings of another.  Sympathy can often feel disconnecting. It creates a gap between the one who is experiencing the issue and the one on the other side of it.  Empathy often feels more connecting. As if you are joining in the emotional sauna with the other person.  The definitions might seem slightly different but are often huge. When we saying something like, “I am sorry you are going through that” it is often coming from such a good place. And often that kind of statement is a soothing balm.  At least the person probably feels understood.  But being understood is only part of the equation when it comes to empathy.  Remember the definition of empathy is feeling understood….but also sharing in the emotions of another. So empathy might look something like, “so you are extremely sad that your grandmother passed away. She was very important to you and so no wonder there is such a great deal of sadness.  Losing someone important would make me sad too.”  So in this way it is not only understanding what the other person is going through but to really share in the emotion at the time.  All too often in relationship we can mess this up. What usually does not work:  Creating Distractions. Sometimes if we too quickly offer to go out and get an ice cream cone with the person suffering can feel invalidating. Getting Angry. This one seems self explanatory, but often the issue lies with the one getting angry in that maybe they are not able to be in touch very well with emotions.  Trying to Solve The Problem. By quickly offering a solution, you will send a message that the person’s problems are really not a big deal.  Often the issue is not something that really can or needs to be solved.  Talking too much about yourself. By quickly turning the situation the other person is dealing with into something about yourself can often make things worse.    All this being said, what can you do to show empathy properly? Sometimes your presence is enough. Stopping what you are doing especially if you are in the middle of a project often can show empathy without saying words.   Verbalizing that you aren’t sure what could help but again the you are there. Just reassuring the person you love that you don’t have the solution to this but that you are there for them whatever they need.  Reflecting back what you are hearing. This is especially good in a moment of crisis.  It helps the other person feel heard and not so alone.  Remember a time when you felt the same emotion. You don’t have to get into why you felt the emotion but that you should use the memory to connect with the other person’s emotion that you are hearing.  Ask the person what they need from you? Again this is different than telling the person what you will do, but it shows that you are human and that you don’t know what is needed but you will do whatever is needed to help. Empathy can be learned. If it is not something you grew up with up or are used to it can take some effort.  Additionally empathy can sometimes be difficult if you are confronted repeatedly with the same emotion over and over again. If this is the case, you may want to talk to your partner about speaking to a professional who can help especially if you are detecting more chronic issues like depression or anxiety for example.   Resources: None Mentioned. Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about listening. Remember in the last episode #182, we talked about speaking especially with an emphasis on speaking gently.  So it would only be logical to talk about listening next.  Ever heard of the saying, “we have two ears and only one mouth for a reason”? Well it probably means then that we should practice listening twice as much as we speak.  This is easier said than done because it is human nature to want to talk about ourselves for various reasons. True listening is hard work especially in the times in which we live. Distractions are everywhere especially at the tips of our fingers with the phone you might listening to this podcast with.  We can often hear something, but we don’t always listen. Hearing according to the dictionary is “the process of perceiving a sound” while listening is “hearing with thoughtful attention.”  We are going to focus mostly today on listening especially active listening. This is much different than passive listening.  Passive listening is more like just what we talked about a minute ago where we are listening with attention but maybe not much else. Active listening takes it even further. Active listening is more about focusing on the speaker, understanding the message they are conveying and responding with thoughtfulness.  I’ve also heard it said they active listening is focusing on the speaker and message with all your senses. This means taking in with what you hear, see, and maybe even with tasting, smelling, and touching.  So now that we know a bit more about active listening. Let’s talk about some helpful tips that will help you focus more on the message and to help the speaker also feel really genuinely listened to. Reduce or Eliminate Distractions. These distractions could be physical things in the environment or they could be mental such as lingering thoughts about a bad day at work.  Repeat back what you heard. This is probably the best way to show the other person that you are really working to understand.  It can also help conversations slow down.  Be flexible as you repeat back. This might mean you say something like, “so I what I think I heard” or “did you say” or “help me understand if this is what you said.”  This gives the speaker the ability to elaborate or correct what you were receiving.  Often though we can be very rigid and say something like “you said …” giving the speaker not much chance to easily explain.  It often instead invites the conversation to escalate.  Keep the focus on the speaker. Work hard not to pull the conversation back to yourself.  Get curious and keep asking the speaker to continue to unfold the issue for you.  I know, I know this one comes up with everything we do hear on the podcast it seems.  But it really is important, because when we start getting upset we no longer really listen.  Work to point out something you agree with (even if small) especially if the conversation is about something upsetting to the speaker that you may have done. Don’t try to solve the issue. Just continue to reflect back and offer support.  Of course if your partner is asking for a solution then by all means try to help.  But often this is not what your partner is looking for.  Finally ask your partner if they felt heard and understood and then if you got what they were saying. There are all kinds of other ways to show that you are actively listening. What ways work for you and your partner? Resources: Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.