Raccoons are obese good-for-nothing big black-and-white rats. Or are they? In this marvellous episode, Elliot fails abysmally to find a more popular Marvel film than Guardians of the Galaxy and we discuss whether raccoons can really talk- very, very, briefly. Head to @newarkhives after listening to vote on whether these critters deserve a spot on the ark. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Anglerfish: dope or deep sea shit? Rapists or celibate saints? Slave drivers or shining beacons of hope? In the first and only episode of The New Ark not to reference Jurassic Park, we dive into the angry devils that are anglerfish and Saf almost drowns. Do they deserve a spot on the ark? Leave your vote @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Welcome to the inaugural Royal Rumble. Up for debate this week: not one but three animals which you the audience couldn't decide on. Pigeons, crocodiles and giraffes all get successively bigged up then eaten alive as Saf and Elliot are joined by special guest Joseph Grove from the Animal Wellness Podcast to thrash out which critter merits that golden ticket and an all expenses paid trip to paradise. Follow the action @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Thisssss week: it'sssss dessseption and ssssnake oil for our sssssslithering animal guesssssst. Prepare for ssssssibilance galore as Elliot revels in stringing up snakes and Saf triessss to ssssave them. Do they dessserve a place on the ark? You decide.... leave your votes @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week: armoured dildos... oops- damn autocorrect! This week: armadillos!! Leprosied lunatics and cancerous cretins, these creatures' reputations take one hell of a beating. Is their chance at arkly salvation a far cry? Will they ball up and die? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week: chrysalises crucified in a caterpillarific episode. Butterflies bashed as genocidal maniacs with appalling personal hygiene standards. Will they fly high or had they better flee? Arch enemy or ark-angel? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Polly might want a strong shot of whisky after hearing this episode. Brigands, imperialists, sexists, antifeminists and idiots who can only count to six; it's pandemonium for parrots' reputations this episode. Do they merit a ticket onboard The New Ark or ought they get blown up with the other sodding creatures? Share your thoughts @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Are our closest relatives saints or sinners? Chimps are on the chopping block this week with hose-based pranks and Hollywood 'facts' serving as damning testimony against them. They've already been banned from eating bananas- will they be left behind when the earth explodes next week? You decide- cast your vote @newarkhives. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week: Saf questions the nature of good and evil whilst Elliot bitches about Disney princesses. We have our first ever joke for the podcast and learn how to get high off skin secretions from the spawn of satan. What could be better than that? Not frogs. Cos' they suck. Head to @newarkhives after the show to share the hate :) See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Prepare for pandamonium this week as Saf pulls out all stops and Elliot seeks to sabotage Chinese culture and government. Nothing is black and white on this all-out showdown featuring panda monks pissing whilst doing handstands. Drop by @newarkhives afterward to register as an official baby-hater and kick pandas off the planet. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.