Summary: One of the hosts of the Marriage Code has some life-changing news that boils up tons of emotions. Phillip and Benji tackle the issue head-on in this episode of The Marriage Code. “Logic and emotion are like oil and water; they don’t mix… it’s like trying to push a rope – good luck with that.” – Phillip Enkey Links: Marriage Code Podcast questions – [email protected] In this episode: Send questions to [email protected] Life changing news The Marital effects of financial hardship Change and transition Feeling loss of control Elevated Stress The golden opportunity Choose to take the positive opinion “This too shall pass” Give them their space – don’t take it personally The three keys to overcoming 1 – Emotions 2 – Develop and Action Plan 3 – Accepting Help Logic vs Emotion Example of an Action Plan Trying to deny the grieving Action shifts Attitude Make a decision that this opposition is and opportunity “The only way to stay stuck is to stop moving.” – Benjamin Boekweg

Summary: It’s Q&A time at The Marraige Code. Phillip and Benji tackle some of the tough questions about Relationship Inventories. “The problem is that so many of us have become good at having an average marriage.” – Phillip Enkey Links: The Other Guys (2010) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDJgv1iARPg Fully Understanding the Tally System – The Marriage Code Episode 4 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-004-fully-understanding-the-tally-system/ Relationship Inventory – The Marriage Code Episode 3 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-005-relationship-inventory/ Marriage Code Podcast questions – [email protected] In this episode: Send questions to [email protected] Brief recap of the Tally System Question #2 – “What are the common mistakes you see people making with Relationship Inventory 1) Only addressing the negative 2) Unrealistic expectations of your first Inventory 3) Bad timing 4) “You” language and absolutes Question #1 – “What advice do you have going into my first Relationship Inventory?” Beginner’s Template Start off with the Positive Create the habit of open dialogue Manage your expectations Question #3 – “What if my spouse is not interested in a Relationship Inventory?” The Lion and the Tuna mistake Phillips’s Challenge – Return and Report

Summary: What does an M-16 and 2 grenades have to do with washing dishes? Phillip and Benji actually answer this question along with how to feel connected with your spouse and work as a team. Links: Marriage Code Podcast questions – [email protected] In this episode: * Introduction…sort of * Benji’s injury * Phillip’s amazing contribution to the armed forces * How you get your spouse to want to help you * The word Phillip can’t seem to say * THE CHALLENGE!!! * Teamwork in a marriage * Ways to feel connected in a team * Games “If children spell love T-I-M-E, your spouse probably does too.” – Benjamin Boekweg

Summery: Have you ever known what the other person was going to say and you just didn’t want to hear it, and cut off the conversation short? Or have you ever wanted to talk but the other person doesn’t want to wait for your answer and ends the conversation? Does this happen frequently? Frustrating right? In this Episode, Phillip and Benji dive into the danger of cutting off the conversation and what you can do to fix that – from either side of the experience. Links: The Office: S2E22 – Casino Night – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hhYeMZdiIc How to get Spouse Certified – The Marraige Code Episode 10 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-010-how-to-get-spouse-certified/ Emotional Release – The Marriage Code Episode 9 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-009-emotional-release/ Active Listening – The Marriage Code Episode 3 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-003-the-power-of-active-listening/ What I heard vs What they meant – The Marriage Code Episode 16 – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-016-what-i-heard-vs-what-they-meant/ Big Hero 6 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2S8D_SCAJY Marriage Code Podcast questions – [email protected] In this episode: Cutting off the conversation Examples What can happen Feeling misjudged Being used to coming to a certain conclusion Effectiveness vs Efficiency How we make assumptions What we assume is most often incorrect Why we should not make assumptions The power of “What else?” We want to be heard more than we want to be understood Changing the habit of abrupt endings 1- Stop assuming 2- Give them space 3- Listen and ask for more “The biggest cause of a fight is the feeling of not being heard.” – Benjamin Boekweg

Summary: In this Episode, Phillip and Benji celebrate the 40th episode of the podcast by talking about how The Marriage Code began, and by talking about where it is going. Also an announcement where Phillip and Benji will be speaking on June 30th. Links: Hope Cast – https://www.facebook.com/watch/KentsteadMedia/ Zig Ziglar – Courtship after Marriage – https://www.ziglar.com/product/courtship-after-marriage Marriage Code Podcast questions – [email protected] In this episode: Celebration of Episode #40 The Announcement How The Marriage Code all began You don’t have to change your spouse The role of the sub-conscious mind Our point of view The key components of The Marriage Code Progress of The Marriage Code book Changing the paradigm * Believe you can change for the better * Get more information * Mirroring Examples of Mirroring “As we’ve done this, I’ve realized that anyone who has listened to this can do it too.” – Phillip Enkey

Summary: Spouse not feeling “connected with you”? In this episode, Phillip and Benji discuss four major ways to emotionally connect with your spouse. And describe easy ways to implement them. Links: Night at the Museum 2; guard scene – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDI-sDCzGZY&t=3s Marriage Code Podcast – How to Get Spouse Certified – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-010-how-to-get-spouse-certified/ In this episode: Deeper into conversation 4 Ways to Emotionally Connect 1 – Talk to your spouse on purpose with purpose 2 – Fight for your spouse and their dreams 3 – Be on the “same page” in a goal or project together 4 – Budget time to talk with your spouse Dating conversation model The roommate effect Fighting along side your spouse Do we update ourselves on how our spouse had changed? “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra

Summary: What are the biggest three mistakes couples make in talking to each other? In this episode, Phillip Enkey is back from serving his country and is ready to dive right back into discussing marriage and relationships. Phillip and Benji discuss the three biggest mistakes couples make and give examples. Links: The Office: S2 E22: Casino Night – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hhYeMZdiIc Click – Adam Sandler – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayG_t8nGuiU The Male Brain – Louann Brizendine M.D. – https://www.amazon.com/Male-Brain-Breakthrough-Understanding-Think/dp/B003DQVEHG/ref=sr_1_1?ascsubtag=1ba00-01000-org00-win10-dsk00-nomod-us000-pcomp-feature-scomp-wm-5&dchild=1&keywords=the+male+brain&qid=1589407057&sr=8-1 The Mighty Ducks – https://youtu.be/ymeVW9dwz7k?t=18 The Chosen – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=craeyJdrCsE Marriage Code Podcast – Relationship Inventory – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-005-relationship-inventory/ Marriage Code Podcast – How to Get Spouse Certified – https://themarriagecode.heraldsoflife.com/mc-010-how-to-get-spouse-certified/ In this episode: * Welcome back Phillip * 3 Mistakes * Assuming we know what the other is thinking * Expectations not discussed * Looking for an outward reason * Example from “The Office” * Reflection vs Deflection in communication * The “counter-intuitive” solution * Do * Find the “root” problem * Focus on them first and trust they will mirror you * Teach Them to communicate with you * Do NOT * Skip conversations that they “should know” * Use “You” language * Use absolute language “Expectations without agreement equals frustration.” – Kirk Duncan

MC 031: What’s in your Playbook? Summary: In this episode of the Marriage Code podcast, Benji and Phillip continue the conversation of “What if you had only 30-days to save your marriage?” and finish explaining their 30-day plans. In this episode: Benji’s 30-Day Plan Week 1: re-Discovery * Day 1: Get a notebook and a yellow pad (yellow notepad that tears off across the top) * Day 2-3: Get my head straight * I will think about (to the best of my memory) and write down in the notebook the following: * When I met my wife and what she looked like and why I wanted to date her * Our first date and my impressions * Our first kiss * What we discussed imaging our future together would look like * Why I chose her to be my wife * Write my Vision. In my notebook, I will write what I want our marriage to be. I will close my eyes and see a video in my head of what Christmas morning 20 years from now will look like. Then I will write my Vision ( a page or more in length) and I will include details such as: * What house are we living in? * How many children do we have and what ages? * What will we be doing? * What is our financial standing? How much money do we have in the bank? Is our house paid off? Are we out of debt? * Are our older children dating or married? Grandchildren? * How we act toward each other? How long are our kisses? How often do I hold her hand? Are we respectful to each other? Are there any arguments? * What kinds of things to I do for my wife to show her how much I love her? * What tender things does she do for me? * Write my Marriage Declaration. I will write a few sentences that can be memorized and recited that will be meaningful to me and energizing. Such as: “I am a happily married man because I choose to be the kind of man my wife has always dreamed of. I am a man of vision who has the power to change. I trust myself to be a man of patience and it is safe for me to accept responsibility. I can do hard things!” * Day 4-5: Get my heart straight * Unload all my frustrations about my wife onto paper (using the yellow pad) – feeling each frustration as I do so – then I burn that piece of paper. Repeat as necessary. * Take a walk by myself, speaking (vocalizing) all my frustrations about my wife all along the way, then walk back while verbalizing everything about my wife that I am grateful for. * Forgive myself for the part I played in our relationship strife and give myself permission to move forward * Forgive my wife for all the hurt she has done to me * Day 6: Prepare for a ½ Relationship Inventory and rest * I read my written Vision 2-3 times * I recite my declarations (audibly where possible) 10 times * I go to bed early and get some extra sleep * Day 7: ½ Relationship Inventory * I tell my wife that I was wrong, that I’m sorry, and ask her if we may speak privately so I can get her input on what I must change. * I again apologize (either for specifics I know about, or for not paying attention enough to know) then I begin a ½ Relationship Inventory * I ask her what things I am doing that she would rather I don’t, or anything I am not doing currently that she would rather I start doing * I write down everything she says and I use Active Listening to verify to both of us that I understand what she is saying * I create a plan to work on those items she listed by asking follow-up questions to narrow down to the root of the issue. * Example: “You’re never here.” * Okay, would it be more helpful if I re-arranged my work schedule to be home sooner? * “No, because even when you’re here, you’re not here!”

Summary: In this episode of the Marriage Code podcast, what if you had 30 days to save your marriage? What would you do? Phillip Enkey and Benji Boekweg dive right in and explore how to save their marriages in 30 days. Links: Aladdin – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OczOUJw1Z7k&t=15s John Gottman – https://www.gottman.com/about/john-julie-gottman/ In this episode: * Another announcement! * Big News about The Marriage Code Podcast! * 5 Pillars * Mirroring * Active Listening * Tally System * Emotion Management Techniques * Relationship Inventory * What if you had 30 days to save your marriage?