In college I choked in the biggest moment of my season and carried “choke artist” around for years. Last week my coach described me in one word: closer. This piece is the full seven year story of how I rebuilt my mind. The mindfulness, the mantras, the Big Boy drill, lowering the stakes, and the shot from the middle circle in the NBL grand final.

On my 30th birthday, all I could reflect on was an old bestfriend.

For three years in college I trained in secret. No teammates, no coaches, no one. I was going to shock the world alone. It almost ended my career. This week I wrote about the life of the lone grinder, the team I slowly built and the scariest but best decision I ever made. Asking for help.

This one’s a warning story. About the Greek God Hephaestus, thrown from Olympus at birth, who spent an eternity trying to be enough. I can relate in my quest to play in the NBA. Dedicating my life to work to help me feel like I belong.

This one’s a shift for me. For years I’ve been working on myself. Books, therapy, journaling, articles. All pointed inward. The deepest sense of belonging I’ve ever felt came when I pointed outward. When I started giving instead. I break down the Lakers failure, the iso win, and what Cody said that changed how I think about every game I’ll ever play.

A beautiful Monday morning. Acai. Beth. Oaklynn on my lap. Then a Noah Kahan song moved mud inside me that has been thick for a long time. This is about leaving home at fifteen and the loop that’s been on reply since.

Above my childhood bed was a Dwayne Wade poster. I wanted to move like him, feel unstoppable like him. After my career high against PurdueI thought I’d figured it out. Then came Indiana. This is about what happens when your identity becomes attached to your performance.

My agent called. I’ve got you a deal with the Houston Rockets. I thought this moment would fix me. Instead, I abandoned everything that got me there. This is about the ancient alarm that tells you to fit in, and what it cost me.

The feeling of not being enough has followed me my whole life. When I fail, it’s because I’m not good enough. When I succeed, I feel relief before the pressure takes over. I went looking for answers. Here’s what I found, and what I’m doing about it.

When I was five, I gave my sister a scar because I couldn’t stand losing a tricycle race. Competition was built into my blood. I didn’t understand where it came from until I watched Aragorn’s journey in The Lord of the Rings. This is about the stories we inherit, and how to stop being run by them.