Show notes
The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no.This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it.Things DiscussedThe listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to wantWhy differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some pointWhat shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changesWhy a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatibleThe meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itselfSexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to goWhy there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to themThe golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequenceHow affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding handsBeing lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the nightResponsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long timeWhy planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romanceWhy the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connectionEmily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivitiesTaking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relaxHow to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draftThe sex education most of us got, and what it left outTimestamps0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships3:00 What changes desire over time4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no4:50 There is no normal frequency6:30 How affection slides off the agenda8:00 Lonely in the same house9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts12:50 Why the weekend away backfires13:40 Accelerators and brakes14:40 Taking sex off the table16:10 How to start the conversation17:40 You are not failing at anythingResources and LinksFree guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMgBooks mentionedCome As You Are by Emily Nagoski Come Together by Emily NagoskiKeep the Conversation GoingGot a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to.ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Connect with Mariehttps://thetherapyhub.com.au/https://marievakakis.com.au/https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/Submit a question to the Podcasthttps://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6
