What is conflict trying to tell us? What's the "wish" behind criticism? How can conflict be a portal to connection? Dr. Tammy Lenski is one of my favorite experts on conflict. She really gets the dynamics of conflict which means she deeply understands the heart of connection and our universal human need to be seen. She is masterful at inviting us into the questions, and helping people understand how the past is present and the present moment holds our potential and power to "pivot" and write a new story. She says that the "relief" that comes from working through our conflicts comes "from the now, not from the past." She is a conflict resolution educator, speaker, author, coach, and mediator. For more than twenty years, she has helped individuals, teams, and groups navigate disagreement better, understand and dissolve interpersonal friction, and consider different ways of seeing to build alignment. I love how she says "good questions and good listening are the rock star duo" of conflict resolution, and that these can get us "80% of the way". The rest, as she explains, is the work we do with ourselves. In this deeply human, clear-eyed, provocative, and hopeful conversation about conflict and its painful hooks, I've come to realize that Tammy Lenski is truly an expert in cultivating the "willingness to see something different." We talk about how our conflict stories can become what Tammy calls our "stuck stories" (the "movie trailer of the conflict"), how the past is present, and she explains her six conflict hooks. We explore the pain and potential of distancing spirals, the wish behind criticism, and her three conflict pivots. The good news is that we can rewrite our conflict stories by exploring our own needs, wishes, and values, find our strengths, and cultivate connection in our relationships with others - and ourselves.

Jennifer Dulski says yes. To change. To risk. To connection. To empowering people to live their potential right now. To be in conversation with her is to open a door into a world of possibility, to see people as human portals to shared values and co-creating vision with purpose and meaning. Her career is storied and immense in its depth and scope. For more than twenty-five years, she has been leading winning teams at companies including Google, Facebook, Yahoo!, as well as Change.org. In this conversation, we talk about what we really need at work. We talk values, vulnerability, and future-oriented presence. She shares her insights on two kinds of resilience: everyday resilience and crisis resilience. And explains why she lives and leads from a place of yes, fearing less, and connecting more. Jennifer Dulski is the founder and CEO of Rising Team, a leadership development platform that creates and provides tools and training, through "blending experience and science to help leaders at all levels ensure people on their teams feel valued, motivated, and connected" - especially in our present remote and hybrid work realities that we've all been trying to understand and re-imagine. If you've wondered how a highly successful global leader can be both focused and open-hearted, powerful and empowering, confident and humble... a leader who knows how to, as someone once told her, "run her to do list by her vision," you'll find this conversation revealing, clarifying, and deeply re-affirming of just how powerful we are in this very moment.

We’ve all heard the phrase "forgive and forget." We might negatively associate forgiveness with 'letting someone off the hook'. No wonder so many of us can feel so resistant to forgiveness. The truth is, the hook is in us. Not the other. Dr. Luskin is the world's foremost authority on forgiveness. Which means he's a global expert on grudges, grievances, and gridlock. What's fueling our grievance stories and resentments? What's beneath the bitterness that turns our hearts, minds and bodies sour to life, to another, to the possibility of something better? Dr. Luskin says that a grudge is an "objection to the past." And holding onto grudges is a defense against our own vulnerability. In today's episode, he explains that one of the negative effects of holding onto grudges, to our grievance stories, to our hooks, is that we're then "constantly paying this pain forward" in our lives, toward others, spilling over into every situation. Because we perceive that everything becomes related to our pain. Since we all have nervous systems so tuned to our built-in negativity bias, he says staying vigilant to threat means that "our very basic perceptual mechanisms are constantly misperceiving things." In that state, we perceive threat everywhere. And when we're stuck in that place, in that story, he says, we lose gratitude. Our capacity to even notice goodness and kindness around us. Our capacity to feel loving, to feel loved. And to love in return. Dr. Luskin explains that, when we begin to realize that forgiving is not about letting go of who and what hurt us in the past, we realize we have "infinite choice" to free ourselves NOW, in the moment, from the pain and suffering caused by that hook inside us that keep re-wounding us as we try to move forward and can’t. In this deep, direct, and paradigm-shifting conversation, we talk about the purpose and power of forgiveness, why we get stuck in our stories, and why grudge-holding is dehumanizing. We talk about the difference between grief and grievance, between forgiveness and reconciliation — how the impact of a very painful experience can be a rupturing of “something that we use in order to feel safe in the world." And why holding and harbor our grudges and resentments which become hazardous to our health. Ultimately, forgiveness is a kind of resilience. Grieving and forgiving help return us to the very essence of what makes us feel human, alive, and capable of living healthy lives. *********

Rick Miller is a multi-hyphenate wonder. A multi-disciplinary artist, multi-media, multi-lingual writer, actor, director, educator, musician, singer, and podcast host of the intergenerational series "Xing the Gap." Although he graduated with two architecture degrees, he always dreamed of the stage. His first small role was in a Shakespeare-in-the-park production of Macbeth. He never imagined that a play in a park would inspire him to create his first solo show. And not just any solo show. His gift for uncanny spot-on vocal impersonations, performance, writing and lightning speed delivery fueled the creation of MacHomer, his one-man version of Macbeth with 50 characters from The Simpsons. All played by Rick. (And blessed by Simpsons creator Matt Groening.) It premiered at the Montreal Fringe festival in 1995. And then ran for 17 years in different countries. (Yes, he slips into a few Simpsons' voices in our conversation!) Over more than twenty years, Rick has conceived extraordinary worlds and critically acclaimed productions. He has become one of Canada’s most versatile stage performers, from classical theatre to avant-garde creations, from his smash-hit solo shows to collective ensembles. He has performed his own work in more than 200 cities around the globe. In 5 languages and on 5 continents. Entertainment Weekly once called him one of the "100 most creative people alive..." His latest tour de force is a trilogy. Three explosive solo stage shows chronicling 75 years of history: BOOM, BOOM X, and BOOM YZ collectively and chronologically documenting the music, politics, cultural milestones and generation-defining events from 1945 to 2020 - woven with personal stories. 75 years, 300 minutes, all written, directed and performed by Rick himself. I caught up with Rick, between shows, between breaths, between then and now, to explore the world wonder between his two musical ears. We talk about the future of history, generation maps, minding the gaps, the brain as a time machine, nostalgia and attention...and what he calls "our magic powers as human beings" to imagine possible futures in the present moment. A creatively rich, captivating, warm, entertaining, and profound conversation with my longtime friend Rick Miller.

Resilience. What does it really mean? How do we know we’re resilient? What are the factors and practices that determine resilience as a trajectory after adverse events and experiences? Is resilience something we learn or something we earn? George Bonanno is a Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University's Teachers College and internationally recognized for his pioneering research on human resilience in the face of loss and potential trauma, listed as one of the top 1 % of the most cited scientists in the world. He is the author of The Other Side of Sadness, and his most recent book The End of Trauma. As a boy, he dreamed of adventure, of traveling the world, sleeping in fields, reading books and painting. By 17, he hit the road, hitchhiking, painting, and working across the United States. Soon, he found himself taking care of people, juvenile offenders, older adults, at one point working directly with severely psychotic patients at Northampton State Psychiatric Hospital. That made a profound impression on him, he noticed that some of the patients recovered surprisingly quickly after leaving the hospital. Nine years after finishing high school, he got a scholarship to study at Hampshire College, and was soon designing his own psychological experiments - which led to his first peer-reviewed publication. He went on to get his PhD in Clinical Psychology at Yale University. Years later, he founded the Loss, Trauma, and Emotion lab at Columbia University in New York City, expanding his research to include the study of resilience following 9/11, military combat deployment, traumatic injury, life-threatening medical events, natural disasters, disease outbreaks, divorce, and job loss. The lab has been doing groundbreaking research on what he has discovered is the key process underlying human resilience: flexibility. In this episode, he describes the research behind the Flexibility Mindset, and the flexibility sequence. One of the most fascinating aspects of the science of flexibility and resilience-building is what happens in the ‘right now’... what we have the opportunity to harness and practice in the present moment that both integrates the past and opens up the vista of our future. This conversation is fascinating, hopeful, and packed with the science and practice of resilience from one of the most renowned researchers of our time.

My guest today is Katharine Manning, an attorney and victim's rights advocate for the past 25 years training and consulting on effective empathy in difficult times, and the author of the acclaimed book "The Empathetic Workplace: Five Steps to a Compassionate, Calm, and Confident Response to Trauma on the Job" (HarperCollins Leadership 2021). In this timely, grounding and generous conversation, she shares some of her deep insights on the perils of fear-based leadership versus the generative effects of empathy-based leadership. She explains how the vulnerability of sharing our difficult stories with others is not necessarily in the content of those stories, but in the need for reciprocity. We need people to bear witness to us, to listen. That’s the L in her powerful LASER Method. And as you’ll hear, that’s not a skill many of us have in our back pocket. We talk about MeToo, the necessity of a response to our story, and what gets in the way of truly seeing and hearing other people in their pain. And when we are listening to people’s stories, she describes the challenge of trying to stay present, to quell our own anxieties, and why it’s so hard to hold off on jumping in with quick fixes and solutions they didn’t ask for and don’t need from us. We discuss why it's so important to shift the workplace mindset from trauma denial with an exclusive focus on productivity to trauma literacy and the need for us to be more proactively curious about people as human beings. What does a workplace look, sound and feel like when we trust that people know what they need…when we trust that we can respect those needs enough to trade defensive barriers for good healthy boundaries? As a Senior Attorney Advisor for fifteen years, Katharine guided the US Department of Justice through its response to victims in cases ranging from terrorism to large-scale financial fraud to the exploitation of children and domestic violence. Katharine Manning is a beacon of wisdom and compassion, a voice of grounded empathy and tireless advocacy. She has witnessed how the power of story can help people reclaim voice, restore a sense of safety and dignity, return us to ourselves and each other...and recognize the possibilities for healing and growth that can emerge through empathy. She is the founder of a company called Blackbird, DC in Washington - as the Beatles lyric goes… "take these broken wings and learn to fly…"

“Suffering is completely natural. it doesn't request. It doesn't ask 'is now a good time?' ” - Dr. Sameet Kumar, clinical psychologist, author of Grieving Mindfully. This conversation is an absolute gift. Clinical psychologist and author of Grieving Mindfully Dr. Kumar shares that our capacity to love and grieve are not only interconnected but the very way we navigate the pain that naturally unfolds on our journeys through "life’s unforeseen and inevitable hurdles.” We talk about what he calls “the alchemy of grief” … our fear of getting swept up in pain, spiraling down in pain, and the challenge of trying to shield ourselves from pain. He explains why grief is a teacher, how the present moment invites us again and again… to discover how our “emotional vulnerability” can help us “redirect our pain toward our growth.” He helps us to depathologize our pain and humanize our suffering through the powerful medicine of practicing mindfulness in the present moment. There’s a moment in this conversation when I think I’m asking him about the fear so many of us have about slipping into a downward spiral and he gently redefines the very concept and process that's a deeply hopeful revelation. I ask Dr. Kumar how he preserves himself in his palliative care work. Four words, he says. Four words one of his teachers told him years ago, a 4 word practice that helps him stay connected to his core, to his patients, to hope and love for life. And he guides us through it in a short, powerful exercise. As Dr. Kumar says, "One day at a time is absolutely immense. We have this capacity to experience immensity. Love, joy, the present moment, our breath... those are the counter balances to the pain..."

Today’s episode is a kind of magic carpet ride across time and place with bestselling author, journalist, international speaker and one-of-a-kind thought leader, Gregg Levoy. He exudes insight and wonder, with an incredible enthusiasm for life, for curiosity itself AND for discovering and living the practices that cultivate aliveness right now. Our conversation is full of soul and surprise and little suspense. Kind of an archeological dig. We riff on how to stay in conversation with ourselves during chaos, and why the power of rituals  can mark our turning points in profound ways. We talk about the power of presence, the hidden energy of stuckness, and his "deep trust in the relationship between setbacks and breakthroughs" as he navigates the now. Get ready for this deep-dive, flip-the-script, wayfinding mission to harness the living potential of this moment. ****

“One of the best science books of 2020.” –NEW SCIENTIST When researcher, writer, and longtime Zen student Bethany Saltman gave birth to her daughter Azalea sixteen years ago, she felt like something was missing. She knew she loved her baby but she would find herself feeling angry, short on patience, sometimes frightening herself with doubt about her capacity to love her daughter well. She didn't know she was about to embark on a 10-year quest to understand the nature of attachment and her own nature as a mother. She launched her own full-scale investigation into the history of attachment research, visiting labs, archives, and training sessions around the country, meeting scientist giants, and exploring the life and work of Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian developmental psychologist who would become one of psychology’s most important, but unsung, researchers - the creator of the "Strange Situation" in the 70's. An intriguing laboratory procedure used around the world that revealed the inner dynamics of attachment between parents and children. "Strange Situation" would spur decades of research on child development and parent-child relationships, and has become a gold standard for identifying and classifying individual differences in infant attachment security. If Ainsworth was "unsung" hero of attachment science, then Bethany's book "Strange Situation" is an aria to her remarkable work and a kind of love letter to science, to parent-child delight...and to Mary herself. I was so curious to talk with Bethany not just because her book floored me - her deliberate way of wondering and wandering, her fierce trust in what she couldn’t see, year after year, until she found answers to her questions... But it was her pursuit of the answer to this ONE daunting question - what kind of mother am I? - that really intrigued me. The question led her to search for, find, and follow clues that offered no map, no timeline, and no guarantees...and also eventually led to unforeseen discoveries about herself, her family, the science of attachment, the guiding figures she would meet along the way, and of course the scientist she would only know through archives, records, recordings, and notes - the attachment researcher who captured Bethany’s imagination and heart. "Oh Mary... how did you know?" Bethany’s intimate fascination with Mary is such a powerful element in this book - a kind of amazing alchemy between now and then, between Mary’s footprints in history and Bethany’s footsteps tracking her story NOW…and underneath it all, this quiet pulsing heartbeat of anticipation and hope. She writes in the book, “Mary has magical, mystical powers of attention.” That’s interesting because, reading her book and talking with Bethany, that’s what I sensed about her. From her Zazen meditation years seated on her cushion “being with what is”... to the years of searching to discover what is, what was, and what might be, Bethany teaches us what it means to see ourselves and our children more clearly. We talked about the practice of awareness, sensitivity, presence, seeing, trusting in ourselves, self-care as child-care, and the predictive power of delight. She lives in the Catskills with her husband, daughter, two dogs. And...a lot of books.

“What happens in the brain and body when you live through tremendous adversity?" That's just one of the powerful questions Mike Niconchuk asks and answers in today's episode on trauma and the power of self-agency, knowledge and love. Mike is a brain scientist, researcher, and practitioner focusing on trauma recovery in communities affected by conflict. As Program Director for Beyond Conflict’s work on Trauma and Violent Conflict, he leads the strategy and execution of initiatives focused on trauma and violence prevention in the U.S., Germany, Jordan, and Lebanon. In this profound, intimate, and honest conversation, Mike Niconchuk doesn’t mince words. He demythologizes the concept of ‘bouncing back,’ calls "science-activists" into action, and shares why he believes "nothing is more relevant than how the body responds to trauma." I reached out to Mike, because I had a deep sense that his work and vision embody the heart of "the foreseeable now." He’s acutely aware of how much potential for healing can be found in present moment-to-moment reality...at the same time that he holds this vision of the future, working with what’s possible, predictive, preventative...even in our global crises, even in this pandemic, even if the future is next week... all while he navigates the urgency of *now*. He’s the author of the Field Guide for Barefoot Psychology, a unique psycho-educational and trauma recovery program for communities affected by trauma and adversity. The Field Guide is grounded in the belief that “science is a right and self-awareness is an asset.” He describes how it all started...with a letter to his friends, and his plea for them to "hang on"... to "not let trauma win.” Somehow, he’s able to hold all these tensions of time and place, of people hurting and healing, of conflict and peace work, of the enormity of crisis and the “victory” of personal resilience in the communities he works with... and still keep his wits and his will intact. It's the way his research on dehumanization, violent conflict, and trauma so deeply interconnects with his study of social inclusion, belonging, and wellbeing...that I find deeply poignant and compelling. An unforgettable, deeply emotional, unvarnished conversation about the biology of belonging, stress and trauma responses, the power of science and storytelling, and what's possible when we center collective care, and take a "do no harm" oath with ourselves as "wounded healers" trying to reduce suffering in the world. He gives us real talk on resilience in the face of uncertainty and chronic stress, and shares his own deep vulnerability and hope around the motivating force that drives all of his work: Love. "Where we belong deeply affects how we see the world." - Mike Niconchuk PROGRAM NOTE: This conversation was recorded a few months ago. What we discuss remains relevant, timely, and ubiquitous.