Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about What Your Inner Critic Sounds Like and How to Get it to Shut Up (Based on the work from Playing Big by Tara Mohr).Some deep things we cover:Inner Critics are like buttholes.  We’ve all got one!Inner Critics are the Risk Aversion Department of your brain.Inner Critics are more concerned with safety than truth: They’ll tell you anything to keep you safe from emotional risk.What does the Inner Critic sound like?Harsh, rude and mean.Binary: Black and white thinking. No gray area.Sexist Body CriticalA Broken RecordAn Outer Critic that you have internalized: a parent, a sibling, a coach etc.If your inner critic is getting hysterical, it may mean that you’re on the edge of a breakthrough.  Keep going!Take-aways:Now that we know what the Inner Critic sounds like, what are some ways we can get it to quiet down?  Here are some tips from Tara Mohr’s book Playing Big: Name and describe your critic:  Take a minute to breathe and journal.  Give your critic a name and identify their personality traits.  What are their features?  What kind of car do they drive?  What does their voice sound like?  How do they take their coffee in the morning?Take the “I” out of the inner critic and talk about them in the 3rd person:  Instead of saying “I’m freaking out!” try “my inner critic is freaking out right now!”  The inner critic is “a” voice but it is not “the” voice.  Ways to Minimize the Inner Critic’s voice:Physically walk out of the room when your critic starts talking.Locate the voice in your body and imagine it receding into space.Pantomime putting all the criticisms in a box and moving it out of the room.Imagine a volume dial in your mind and see yourself turn the volume down. We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Playing Big, Tara Mohr's Women's Self-Development BookShadow Work: Benefits, How To, Practices, & Dangers The Goop Podcast - How to Defeat Your Inner CriticThe Science of Happiness: Episode 2: Quieting Your Inner Critic

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about the Growth Mindset.Some deep things we cover:Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset: What is the difference?Neuroplasticity: Your brain has the ability to change and grow new neural pathways!Watch Out For Overgeneralizations: I am terrible at math!  I suck at sports!  We’ve all said things like this to ourselves.  These overgeneralizations assume that we are innately bad at something and hinders growth.The Power of Yet: Adding yet to the end of the sentence is a tried and true trick used by growth minded educators everywhere - “I can’t do that…yet.”Process Phrasing vs. Noun Phrasing: Instead of “You’re so smart!” try this “I can tell you’ve spent a lot of time learning about this subject.”Acknowledge and appreciate how far you have come: Don’t compare yourself to others.  Instead, think about where you started and give yourself credit for how far you’ve come and all the progress you’ve made.Take-aways:The Journey to a True Growth Mindset:Identify the areas where you have a fixed mindset: The first step is to get out of denial and get comfortable with confession.  It’s okay.  We’re all a mixture of both fixed and growth mindsets.Identify when your fixed mindset is triggered: When you feel that pit in your stomach or the lump in your throat and the negative self-talk starts…it’s a sure sign that your fixed mindset is showing up.Name your fixed mindset persona: Whether it is Bossy Betty or Freaked Out Phil, we all have a fixed mindset persona that shows up. Naming her/him helps us create a little separation so we can address that inner critic and start to minimize her voice.Take your persona along for the journey of growth: Okay, Freaked Out Phil, you’re coming with me!  Thank your persona for her feedback and tell her that you’re on the path towards growth so hop on or get off the train!  We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Carol S. Dweck: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, KindleCarol Dweck || The Latest Science of Growth Mindset - The Psychology Podcast | Podcast on SpotifyThe Happiness Lab: How to Adopt a Growth MindsetThe Trouble With Bright Girls | Psychology Today

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the third episode in a series where we explore Our Complicated Relationship To Our Stuff.  Today we are closing out our series with Core Values and Gratitude.Some deep things we cover and some take-aways:Values Lists: Find a list of values and journal about which ones resonate with you.Highlights and Lowlights: Think about the highlights (values expressed) and lowlights (values suppressed) in your life and see if you can identify any core values in there.People You Admire: Who do you admire and what values are they expressing?  What is it about them that draws you in? Big dreams: Who do you want to become and how will your values get you there?Put On Your “Perspectacles”: Make the ordinary extraordinary by shifting your perspective.Be Grateful for SPECIFIC things: They can be big or small but be thankful for the specific and see how it changes your mood and your outlook on life.We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Dare to Lead List of Values - Brené BrownTake the Upgrade: 26 - Identifying Your Core Values as in Brene Brown's Dare to Lead and Listener Q&AGlennon Doyle wants you to stop being grateful, thank you very much Give Me Gratitude or Give Me Debt | MomasteryPersonal Values Assessment5 Core Values Quizzes to Identify What's Important to YouEpisode 44: Gratitude with Omar Brownson | Simon Sinek

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the second episode in a series where we explore Our Complicated Relationship To Our Stuff.  Today we are talking about Why We Still Want More Even Though We Already Have Too Much. Some deep things we cover:Blame it on Evolution: Humans have a scarcity impulse and we are wired for survival.Buying Feels Good: Keep the dopamine hits coming!  Buying stuff lights up the pleasure centers in our brains and we can’t get enough.We Feel Special: Our inner treasure hunter feels validated when we find an item that no one else has.We Seek Novelty: We get bored and often want something new to keep our lives interesting.We Are Vulnerable to Advertisers: Advertisers exploit our insecurities and know how to use products to make us feel inadequate and keep us wanting more.The Target Effect: You know how it is.  You go into Target for some batteries and come out with a new pair of shoes and some sunglasses.Control Restoring Activities: Instead of buying something to cheer ourselves up, what alternate activities could we choose to restore control and improve our mood?How Touch Impacts Our Buying: Look with your eyes, people, not with your hands!What is the relationship between Bargain Shopping and Being Frugal?  We unpack how these two behaviors are NOT one and the same. Take-aways:1. Understand the Deeper Why Of Your Buying Habits: Do you have a strong scarcity impulse?Are you a dopamine fiend?  Does the rush of a purchase feel good?Do you like the feeling of winning?Do you buy because you feel sad?Understanding the deeper why is the first step in figuring out if your purchasing habits help you get more of what you want in your life.   2. Try to Self Regulate. Before you make a purchase, ask yourself 2 questions:Do I need this item?Will I use it in the long run?3. You don’t have to do this alone!  Grab a friend and listen to our podcast together.  Discuss, connect and grow together and then tell us all about it.  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Want Stuff? Why We Are Driven to Buy More | Psychology TodayThe Psychology of Bargain Shopping | PYMNTS.comOld Spice | The Man Your Man Could Smell LikeWhy does shopping feel so good? - BBC WorklifeFrugal Definition & Meaning - Merriam-WebsterExtravagant Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is a first in a series where we explore our complicated relationship to our stuff.  Today we are talking about why we hold on to stuff and why it is so hard to let it go. Some deep things we cover:Our Stuff Represents Memories: A loved one passing, a childhood memory, a time when you were happy.Our Stuff Represents A Past Identity or a Future Self: Someone you once were or someone you hope to be.Love Language of Gift Giving: Buying things for people is how you show and receive love. If you don't accept or keep the gifts then it shows disrespect and lack of gratitude.Culture of Consumption: We are immersed in stuff and it is hard to avoid.Money and Time: It is hard to face the money and time wasted on the things we bought.Regret and Failure: Each time we see an item we no longer use, we see our own failures and poor decision making.Not Wanting To Be Wasteful: Sometimes the things we have are perfectly usable even if they have been sitting on a shelf for 7 years so it feels wasteful to get rid of them.Decision Fatigue and Overwhelm: Our ability to make good decisions can deteriorate over time because there is just so much to sift through.  It is easier to just shove items back in the closet than to continue. Take-aways:Understand the Deeper WHY: We aren’t asking you to get rid of the items that you are holding on to but we are asking you to ask the deeper why.  Why are you holding on to these things?  Are you holding on to a past identity? Do the items represent a fantasy self or a future self?  Do your things hold your hopes and dreams?  Are you not wanting to be wasteful?  Is it hard for you to face the time and money that you have spent on these items and you can’t quite stomach the failure?  Understanding the deeper why is the first step in figuring out how to let things go.  Once you understand the deeper why, then you can begin asking yourself if holding on to these things align with your Core Values.  If the items don’t fit into the life you are wanting to create for yourself, then maybe it is time to graciously let them go and make space for the abundance that awaits you. We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Simply and Fiercely: https://www.simplyfiercely.com/blog/Mari Kondo: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up) Maxwell Ryan: Apartment Therapy - Sample

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are CALLING ALL CONTROL FREAKS! Some deep things we cover:What is the relationship between uncertainty and control?What makes control freaks so freaky?  The answer: anxietyPrimary Control and Secondary Control:  Do you try to change the world to fit yourself or do you try to change yourself to fit the world?How does our control make the people in our lives feel?  It makes them feel like we don’t trust them.  And if we can’t trust then how can we truly love?Control vs. Surrender: AKA print out the Serenity Prayer, tape it on your mirror and recite it EVERY. DAMN. DAY.  (See resources below)Take-aways:Wait out the stress cycle instead of jumping in to control someone’s actions.  Try some of the tips on the Distress Tolerance Skills worksheet to help you get through it.Remember that you have your own Thoughts, Feelings, Actions loop.  Allow others to have their own loop and allow people to go through their own process.Make a Borrowed Rules list.  Do you still follow the rules you were taught?  Which rules continue to be worth following and which ones don’t?We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Distress Tolerance Skills5 Ways to Stop Being a Control Freak | Savvy PsychologistControl Freaks — Kelly Hanlin McCormickSerenity Prayer Printable - Hungry Happy Home

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are: DECONSTRUCTING NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS! Some deep things we cover:Life is hard enough!  Let’s not make it harder with well intentioned but unrealistic resolutions!  Phyllis and Julie share some thoughts on reimagining the new year and setting us up for success. Go with the natural rhythms of life: Don’t go jogging in the snow if you live in the Midwest!  Maybe it’s time to hibernate and reflect.Identifying our CORE VALUES and how they align with our goals.Types of Resolutions: 1) Results  2) Habits  3) Holistic 4) CessationAbundance Mindset vs. Scarcity Mindset: How to let go of things to make space for what matters to us most.Fresh Start Effect: It’s okay to restart as many times as you need.Set Mini Goals: Focus on the next step, not the whole mountain!Tweak your goals until you’re excited: Make it fun!Threat goals vs. Challenge goals: Phyllis shares some stories about her demotivational parenting threats.Accountability: Write your goals down or sign a social contract with a friend.  Scary but effective!Take-aways:This week, let’s figure out our CORE VALUES and align them with our intentions and goals.  Time to bust out the journal or go for a reflective walk!Reflect upon times you felt the most joyful, alive and present.  What were you doing?  What do you think was the core value?Make a list of the things you value most (core values).Make some mini goals or intentions for yourself this year. Cross check with your core values.  See if they align.  If they do, great!  If they don’t, toss ‘em! Tweak your goals until they feel exciting and fun!  Revisit and restart as many times as you need! We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:004 SP Why Your New Year's Resolutions Fail (and How You Can Change the Pattern) - The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health 276 - 4 Psychology Hacks to Help You Stick to Your Goals - The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health Simply and Fiercely: https://www.simplyfiercely.com/blog/

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are having a conversation about HAVING A CONVERSATION!Some deep things we cover:Interrupting means:You DON’T care: Interruptions can mean poor listening and show lack of care.You DO care: In certain cultures, interruptions and overlap can show engagement and that you do care about the conversation and relationship.Monologuing - When people talk AT you instead of talk TO you, it can leave you feeling used, upset and lonely.Talk Time Awareness: Are you aware of how much you are talking compared to how much the other person is talking?Mutual Curiosity: You can only build deeper bonds with people if there is MUTUAL curiosity and interest in one another.Check-ins and Rewinds: If you find yourself talking a lot, you can always check-in and rewind.  Let your friend know you feel self conscious about talking too much and see if you can bring the focus back on them.Generosity: Sometimes Phyllis’ mind is like a “disorganized house” and she finds she can be more generous in conversation when her house is in order.Small Talk SUCKS! Let’s stop talking about the weather and start talking about our favorite smells! Conversations are the little knots that build the bridge of relationship: Relationships take patience and are built one conversation at a time.  TMI: When is sharing too much just too much? If you experience what Brene Brown calls the “vulnerability hangover” then it is a sure sign that you have shared too much.Take-aways:Try having ONE good conversation with ONE person this week.  Practice the following: Ask good questionsGet curiousBring awareness to your talk timeTry not to make the conversation about yourselfTry a wacky conversation starter: Free Gift — Awkward SilenceWe want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Love, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Glennon Doyle: We Can Do Hard Things Episode 22 | Momastery : Real Talk: How can we begin to use conversation as a key to unlocking each other?Steven Benbow: 20 Benefits of Conversation — Awkward SilenceAdam Grant: Adam Grant StatusDr. Ellen Hendrickson: How to Deal With Loneliness“vulnerability hangover” - Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  In this episode, we talk about CONFLICT.  There was a lot that we covered in this episode so the list is longer than usual.  Hope you come away with some take-aways!Some deep things we cover:Phyllis sees conflict as an opportunity for connection and understanding yourself.Julie is a lover not a biter: Julie talks about how she would respond when her younger sister would bite her.Responding vs. Reacting: What is the difference?Reconciliation: What does it mean to reconcile with a person?Four Types of Conflict: Aggressive, Passive, Passive Aggressive and Assertive.  Which type are you?  Which type should we aspire to?Timing is everything: Phyllis shares how her anxiety can hijack the timing of a conflict.Apologies are the key to reconnecting.Conflict is a skill: You can practice and get better at it.Unified Detachment: Shifting our perspective from oppositional to collaborative.Soft Feelings vs. Hard Feelings: Which ones do bring into a conflict?  Take-aways:Unified Detachment: Start with a shared goal.  When you are in a conflict, instead of seeing the conflict as something that is coming between you and your person, think about being on the same team and tackling it together.Listen to Understand: Instead of preparing your own remarks, soften your heart and set your thoughts aside momentarily.  Be present for your person.  Try to listen to understand what they are trying to convey to you.  Choose Words that are Worthy of the Light of Day: It's hard to filter when you are in the heat of the moment but take the time to find words that communicate your feelings but also honor the relationship.  It's hard to un-say words once they are said.  We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, FOLLOW US, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming,Phyllis and JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:How to Stop Avoiding Conflict | Savvy PsychologistUnified Detachment: UNHEALTHY CONFLICT VS. HEALTHY CONFLICTReconciliation Definition & Meaning - Merriam-WebsterWe Can Do Hard Things Episode 07 - FIGHTING WELLArmored Versus Daring Leadership - Brené BrownFierce Conversations by Susan Scott

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That’s So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the second of a two part episode on BOUNDARIES and PEOPLE PLEASING.  If you missed the first episode on BOUNDARIES, feel free to go back and listen to it.  In today’s episode, we tackle the topic of PEOPLE PLEASING.  Some deep things we cover:What is People Pleasing? - Phyllis and Julie discuss whether or not they are people pleasers.  Any guesses? Back Talk vs. Self Advocacy - How Phyllis allows her kids to negotiate with her and sometimes has flexible boundaries.Being honest vs. making excuses - Why do we do that?  Phyllis and Julie go through 10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser (Psychology Today) - See if you relate!  Find out which mannerism Julie has picked up from Phyllis :) False Choice - Dry hamburger or refreshing sushi?  How false choice sets us up to become people pleasers.Borrowed Beliefs - Uncovering how much of our childhood and adulthood is about pleasing our parents and learning how to find out who we are and what we want as humans. Take-aways:Beliefs List - Take a piece of paper and divide it into 3 columns.  In the first column, write down BORROWED BELIEFS.  In the second column write down DEVELOPING BELIEFS. And in the third, write down ACTUAL BELIEFS.  Take a moment to think about the beliefs you were raised with and write them down in the first column.  Now, think about your actual beliefs that you hold true for yourself and write them down in the third column.  And for any beliefs that are still evolving, write those down in the second column.  What did you learn about yourself while doing this exercise?  Were there any surprises?  Call us or write to us and let us know! We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: [email protected] you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don’t want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and can’t wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis and JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:People pleaser Definition & Meaning from Merriam Webster.“Thank you for waiting” vs. “I’m sorry I’m late”: We pulled this idea from Kristen Bell and Monica Padman’s podcast called We Are Supported By.  Disappointing ourselves or disappointing others: Glennon Doyle has very developed and thoughtful ideas surrounding disappointment.  You can hear more of her thoughts on her podcast We Can Do Hard Things.10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser: This is the article from Psychology Today that we were referencing.