This week, we learn an eerily timely lesson in the dangers of what happens when we outsource empathy by having someone—or something—handle our communications for us. When Jess and Liz open an anonymous letter-writing service, they think it will be an easy way to make a quick buck. But they forget one important thing: as the eponymous Maria of the song “Take a Letter, Maria” knows all too well: proxies are never neutral—they are ALWAYS ALREADY invested in the interactions they purport to simply mediate!The letters lead to an escalating series of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and machinations, culminating in a scene of staggering dramatic irony that leaves Liz—and us—wondering: was the juice (a new warm-up jacket) worth the squeeze? Join us for “Small Language Models” (Sweet Valley High 88, Love Letters for Sale).

This week, Todd is minding his business, shooting basketball….s, when a shadowy figure from his past returns and threatens everything Todd holds dear. Kevin (whom we DON’T need to talk about) charms Todd’s family and friends and frames him for a string of muggings, leaving Todd feeling gaslit and us wondering “Was this earned?” Meanwhile, we ponder how many good summers we have left, stumble upon an accidental celebrity encounter, and fantasize about Mrs. Wilkins’ fettuccine Alfredo, in “A Boy Stealer is a Boy Stealer” (Sweet Valley High Super Star 5, Todd’s Story). 

This week, Liz resists fascist censorship to force a necessary discussion of sexual harassment at Sweet Valley High. The surprisingly rich text touches both our hosts, drawing tears and stories of our own high school free speech crusades. Join us for a discussion of plain-looking girls (they’re smarter than you think), zines (they’re like renegade newspapers!), and the power of feminine rage, in “We Need a Hotline!” (Sweet Valley High #87, My Best Friend’s Boyfriend).

This week, it’s a battle of the sexes in Sweet Valley when resident rich jerk Bruce—in a transparent bid for more screen time—creates a mysterious, exclusive, boys-only club that is wreaking havoc on the school with their pranks. Naturally Jessica challenges Bruce and his patent Title IX violation, starting a dangerous dare-war and a (devastatingly timely) conversation about sexual politics at Sweet Valley High.Will Jessica smash the glass ceiling and prove a point about equality? Or will Bruce’s final prank smash Jessica flat on the train tracks??? Join us for a discussion of the incoherence of gender categories, the semiotics of menthols, and whether we’d rather be happy or right, in “Can Anything a Boy Can Do, Can a Girl Be Doing It?” (Sweet Valley High 86, Jessica Against Bruce).

This week, we have a departure from form as we attempt to recreate an episode we already recorded that was accidentally deleted by our very very very handsome main character figure.Meanwhile, Jess and Liz have scored coveted roles on a soap opera! While Jess gets caught up in the Hollywood life and an inappropriately aged suitor, Liz is inspired to conduct an ethnography of television production (boring!) Join us for a discussion of meaty plots, blood sacrifice, and the inherent nobility of below-the-line workers, in “3-2-1 Zoop” (Sweet Valley High #85, Soap Star).

This week, a stolen diary causes a modicum of drama in Sweet Valley and a near nervous breakdown for Pardo, who finds the disconnect between the book’s title, cover, taglines, and plot unmooring and highly stressful. Robert, on the other hand, loves the book and has come prepared with “textual reasons” to back it up. Join us for a discussion of stalkers, Sherlock Holmes,and the simple pleasures of being 16, blonde, and beautiful in “It’s a Rork-Shrack” (Sweet Valley High #84, The Stolen Diary).

This week, we have a study in the terror of the domestic. When her mom gets transferred to London for a new job, it seems Cara’s only option is to elope with her corpse boyfriend Steven. But as the date grows nearer, Cara becomes acquainted with the grim realities of what the performative act of marriage entails: negligee, whiny children, and—the most horrific of all—gay husbands. Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert discuss Sylvia Plath, color theory, and Hungry Man dinners in “Not Everything’s Great in Paradise” (Sweet Valley High #83, Steven’s Bride).

This week’s text tackles the subject of High Art vs. Commerce, with Olivia (for reasons never explained) forced to choose between a life of responsibility—severe buns, suits, and working at a department store–and an artist’s life—onion-smelling loft apartments, funky hairdos, and drinking tea. These choices are represented by her two love interests, a retail nepo baby who only talks about veal medallions and country clubs, and a starving artist who hangs out at grotty coffee shops with mean waitresses and doesn’t even notice when his sneakers are soggy.Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert reflect on the formative film “Six Degrees of Separation,” the timeliness of after-dinner mints, and the art of being a Traitor in “Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story).

This week, Jessica gets involved with a group called the Good Friends, a local commune that is run by the incredibly hot Adam Marvel and is very clearly a cult. Meanwhile, Robert and Becky discuss performative sexy depression, reminisce fondly on their own brushes with cults, and scroll the rolodex of cult documentaries that have shaped their lives in “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!).

This week, we have some nuanced discussion of ethno-racial identity and some even more nuanced discussion of ejaculate-guzzling (and that’s just linguistics).Chicana student Rose (nee Rosa) wants to join the PBA sorority to prove that she can fit in with the other thin, rich, beautiful girls in Sweet Valley. Rosa is white-passing and believes she has to hide aspects of her Mexican identity and heritage in order to be accepted. But how will she navigate her “friends'’’ racism, her grandmother’s surprise visit, and (we all saw it coming) a baby trapped in a well who only speaks Spanish? Join us as we explore meaningful cakes, take on colorblind racism, and belabor each moment of a joke Robert’s terrible ex-boyfriend made 20 years ago in “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie).