It's an all-American Labor Day in Riverdale. Archie's on trial, the entire town has sworn off wearing shirts, and Cheryl had such a great summer she just has to shoot someone in the shoulder for joy. Come on down to the leech filled swimming hole and jump in to Season 3!

Reggie and Archie battle for votes in the time honored political tradition of sexy arm wrestling. Betty gets the Serpents to rescue her mom from a south side extortionist. Toni bravely rescues her girl Cheryl from the all purpose nunnery of horror. 

This week in The Town With Pep:  Andy Cohen comes to town for absolutely no reason, Archie's mom shows up to read him for filth and Veronica gets into politics. But all we care about is Cheryl having a sleepover for the sole purpose of touching Toni's hair.

The Lodges are plotting a private prison. Chic is a weirdo to everyone but Kevin. Cheryl hands Toni a shirt and Ryan and Rose lose their minds.

Archie, Veronica, Betty and Jughead go to a lake house for margaritas and sidelong glances at polyamory. Cheryl's heart hurts and Toni wants to kiss it better. Kevin just wants to hold hands with a boy at the movies.

Alice Cooper serves a great breakfast the morning after a murder in her living room. Archie realizes Agent Adams wasn't dating him for his mind. Hermione leans in (to organized crime). Rose insists Riverdale is current events. 

Veronica partakes of the the age old Catholic tradition of singing Bittersweet Symphony on the altar of a church; Archie wears the tighest shirt yet to fondle cigars at Hiram's behest; Betty wears a questionable dress to deflower her boyfriend. Also! Ryan tells his deep dark fanfic secrets.

Archie and Hiram make their subtext maintext and just roll around on the floor together. Chic instructs Betty on the finer points of being a cam girl. Josie is glad she didn't get upstaged by the Serpents getting everyone woke on Riverdale's founding mythology. Penelope and Hal get messy with some maple syrup snacks. 

Betty finds a creepy new brother, the Serpents transfer schools, Cheryl kills it as always and Polly had her babies but no one cares. 

Tis the season for a murderer to leave a severed finger on your doorstep!