Oz 9
Oz 9
Shannon K Perry
Spring 2142 and Gated Galaxies has launched its 400 Oz-8000 ships, each carrying 50,000 "resting guests" to, hopefully, a new home on a shiny, brand-new planet. As soon as they find one. IF they find one. This is the story of one of those ships – the Oz 9 – and its tiny crew of hopeless incompetents. So far, they've been in space half an hour and several hundred people are dead. So... bright future, clearly.
episode fifty: M'Lady of Little Chadwick upon Bad Patter
Humans on the receiving end of divine affections don't do so well, mythologically speaking. However, after having seen Donna in action, the smart money is on her. Pluto better watch his gold lamé onesie. With this episode, we are officially halfway through Season 3 of Oz 9, so let's all take a moment to realize this crew of idiots has managed to survive this long. Well, apart from Matt, that guard in the tunnel, Lady Nibble-Biscuit, the mime, several thousand pod-occupants, 1/3 of Sweden.... never mind.
Nov 22
29 min
episode forty-nine: I'm soft, squishy, and covered in Hollandaise sauce
I'd apologize for this being so late, but if you think about it, I gave you an extra 16-and-a-half Oz-free hours, which is, like, a decade in idiot years. It's been a long day aboard the Oz 9. You think bad decision making is easy — Doritos for dinner? Yes, please. Easy! Go for a run or drink chocolate milk with vodka? Vodka. Definitely. Easy! —and yet, it's exhausting.  So, you'll get no apology from me, unless I come across one on my way to the couch.
Nov 8
30 min
episode forty-eight: Putting the freeze on boogerology
Remember how there was that one week you were sick or maybe just on vacation but too poor to go anywhere? And you watched daytime TV, and even though you knew it was ridiculous and cheesy, by Friday you were desperate to know if little Suzy really was Armoire's daughter and if Aristato would find Nectarina in time to stop her from marrying ... I don't know, Ponderosa Jutjaw or whatever? Just stay with me, this is relevant.
Oct 25
28 min
episode forty-seven: Chasing Lord Lunchable
What would you do if everything in your garden suddenly attacked you? Carrots shooting themselves at your eyes, radishes nibbling tiny, spicy holes in your ankles, kohlrabi shouting at you, probably in German, given how "kohlrabi" is spelled — does it seem German to you? just me? — and let's not even talk about what the watermelon is trying to do. This is vaguely relevant to episode 47, but only sort of. Meanwhile, I'm going to have nightmares about cauliflower.
Oct 11
25 min
episode forty-six: It's invasion of the body snackers
Probably the most remarkable thing that happens in this entire episode is that Le Bichon Frise pronounces "assassinate" correctly. I know. We were pretty shocked too. It happens at the bottom of page 3, so if you just want to hear that and skip the rest, I don't suppose anyone would blame you. Oh, and there's a bit about a butterfly that's funny. You might want to stick around for that. And the discount code for the chocolate. That's never a bad thing. Up to you.
Sep 27
27 min
episode forty-five: Who doesn't love a decorative bunting?
It's really late. The kind of late that keeps on getting later until it circles back round to early. When I'm this blurry and tired, I'm likely to say anything. Like how much more bearable life became on this ship with we busted Dr. Theo out of his pod. Geeky never looked so good.... See, now what did I say? Stop with the questions and the "oooo tell me everything" eyes. Dr. Theo is extremely fond of his personal space, and that's all there is to it. So shut up. I'm going to bed.
Sep 13
27 min
episode forty-four: It's very hard to do science in this position
If you've been keeping up with the antics of that zany crew aboard the Oz 9- Have you ever considered taking up a REAL hobby? Like stamps or shuffleboard or knitting quilts or something? It's episode 44, and no one is any smarter than they were 43 episodes ago, and that includes you, since your brain is no doubt deteriorating at a much faster clip than it would have if you'd done Sudoku or whatever it is instead.
Aug 30
28 min
episode forty-three: Found their fillings in a compost pile
Perhaps you've heard about the mold that's eating radioactive materials around Chernobyl. And that scientists are considering insulating spacecraft and astronauts suits with the stuff to protect them from solar radiation. We're not imagining things up here. We're just ahead of our time.
Aug 16
26 min
episode forty-two: Escaping at a brisk walk
Something nefarious is happening on a golf course in French Lick, Indiana. Actually, several nefarious things. Well, OK, like, three... maybe four nefarious things, and then a whole bunch of naughty things. Look, we're losing the point here.  Look, just listen to the episode. It'll be easier than me trying to explain it to you.
Aug 9
26 min
episode forty-one: My kidneys go straight to voice mail
Welcome back, space monkeys! We hope you enjoyed your six-week excursion ashore. Watch your step, the gangplank is slippery and also there's no oxygen out here, so look lively. Take your seats, please; we'll be setting adrift...sorry, asail again soon. No eating, please; we just got the toilets clean. Now. Where were we.....?
Jul 19
25 min
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