Most of us, at one point in our lives, have known, witnessed, or at least heard about a victim of abuse and violence – whether it was someone we personally know like a friend or family member, a neighbor, or even a celebrity. And perhaps the first and seemingly logical question that people ask when they encounter this situation is, “Why not just leave?” But for victims and survivors of abuse, we know very well that it’s never as easy as “just leaving.” We go through so many sleepless nights dealing with self-doubt and anxiety. We keep on trying and failing to speak up, reach out, and carry out plans of running off to safety. And amidst all the confusion, pain, and fear, we sometimes end up losing friends and allies. We may never run out of reasons why it is difficult; but essentially, there are so many barriers that prevent people from leaving an abusive relationship.In episode 4 of My Healing Village, let us further understand some of the forms and examples of abuse, the reasons why victims don’t speak up, and the stages and consequences we have to face when we finally do stand up for ourselves. Through my personal experiences, allow me to relate with you. Know that you are not alone in this journey and that there are options and pathways that you can decide to take. Yes, some people may not understand what you are going through; there will always be someone who would question you with judgment or go as far as gaslighting you. But I hope you also know that there are a lot more others who can support, empower, and validate you. Healing Points of This Episode:Physical abuse does not only mean laying a hand on the victim. Abuse can start with threats and intimidation before it moves to actual physical abuse. Experts and professionals can help in addressing the trauma caused by the abusive relationship.Despite the possibility that family, friends, or allies will not completely understand or help you, do not be afraid to reach out.   Words of Healing:Physical abuse isn't just when your abuser lays hands on your body; it is way more than that. Physical abuse can also be damaging properties – such as throwing or destroying objects – punching walls, kicking doors, scaring you by driving recklessly, trapping you in your home or keeping you from leaving, using a weapon to threaten you, and more. – Regina Marie“Why do you think you keep going back?” It's an impossible question to answer. You know this, there are literally a million tiny reasons and some deeper rooted ones about self-worth and generational trauma that don't cross our minds half the time while we're in the thick of it. – Regina MarieTrue love is never an addiction because it's not actually a feeling at all. It's a values-based choice.  – Lisa Marie Bobby, Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex LoveResources Mentioned:Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex LoveRising Phoenix Support GroupClick this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_hFfjAbsyqK6r6ihVJYDOFMyHi-AHLnYZgpFARSsH8/edit#Follow Regina Marie:InstagramLinkedInFacebookYouTube

The one thing we all have in common is that our silent crime was giving unconditional love. - Regina Marie  It is true that love involves making sacrifices; being in any kind of relationship entails the responsibility to understand genuinely, give selflessly, and love unconditionally. But where do we draw the line when it comes to giving up parts of ourselves to fight for the love that we, sometimes, are so desperately trying to save?  This episode – Part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Char Newbold, a domestic violence survivor, advocate, and author – is both an enthralling and enriching experience. After recognizing the stages and cycle of abuse, which we discussed in the last episode, what do we do now? This time, let’s dig deeper into some of the reasons why people stay in unhealthy relationships, ideas and responses that enable abusive behaviors, and steps that we can and should do once we decide to finally break free. Plus, be familiar with some helpful resources that you can read or share with others.  As Dr. Newbold mentions in this episode, “When we're looking at the effects of abuse, it's never about just the one person. It is always about the family.” We all want nothing but to protect, nurture, and love our families. But at some point, unconditional love can also mean saving and taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others.    Healing Points of This Episode:As much as you want to, you can never be your partner’s savior. You fall in love with a person first before seeing the “beast” that you didn’t know existed. Recognize that you love the person, but do not turn a blind eye to the horrible things he does just to protect and preserve the relationship. In case you decide to finally break free, talk to an advocate or reach out to agencies that may offer help and assistance in carrying out your escape plan. Take note of/ track the patterns of abuse and prepare for your next course of action. When somebody opens up about domestic violence, it is important to validate their feelings and experiences and to offer options rather than telling them what to do. A lot of helpful resources are available. Educate yourself more about domestic violence so you can be armed with information and wisdom. Words of HealingI couldn't be his savior as much as I was trying.  I couldn't fix him. Only one can do that, and that's God. I can't fix him. I can't change him. – Dr. Char NewboldEvery relationship is co-created.  That doesn't mean we're responsible for their behaviors or their reactions, but we're responsible for us.  And the one thing we all have in common is that our silent crime was giving unconditional love. – Regina MarieWhen we're looking at the effects of abuse, it's never about just one person. It is always about the family. – Dr. Char NewboldResources Mentioned:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_JROnPKwi6XErHqF404Na7J36QSlsOx5/view?usp=sharingClick this link for the full show notes:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vaAJcdcWwz1ObG5pqEqBy7U5F6lfIFrdIY-x5PCWLns/edit?usp=sharingFollow Regina Marie:InstagramLinkedInFacebookYouTube

Being in an abusive relationship is unquestionably a very dark place to be in, and can be a daunting void to get out of. For some victims of domestic violence, seeing light at the end of the tunnel seems impossible. But there are those who got to see a glimpse of hope that led them to the path of healing.We celebrate the victories of these men and women who are now in their personal healing process, but at the same time, it is also essential to recognize what they went through – the stages they have been accustomed to and the cycle they have endured. That way, we can identify commonalities among experiences of domestic violence and perhaps understand differences among patterns as well.By learning through the stories of others, we gain different perspectives and we get to take a closer look at the surfaces and layers of this dark and daunting void.In this episode – which is the first of two parts – Dr. Char Newbold, a domestic violence survivor, advocate, and author among other things, bravely shares her own stories of enduring the cycle of abuse and thriving amidst the healing process. Through her experiences, Dr. Newbold relates how she went through the different stages of domestic violence – and how important it is to recognize and identify the emotions and triggers that come with every stage. Dr. Newbold’s openness and sincerity in talking about her experiences and sharing her knowledge will, hopefully, make you feel that listening to this podcast is very much like being in a support group. And yes, whether you are still in that dark tunnel or you are following the light and on your way out, know that there are other people who are on or have gone through the same path. But more importantly, know that there are people who are willing to provide help, support, and inspiration.   Healing Points of This Episode:Recognizing abuse can be hard; you may get used to denying and minimizing the signs and triggersIt may be difficult to talk about the experience of abuse, especially repeated circumstances,  to friends or familyCommonalities about the cycle of abuse can be identified through different stories and experiencesAbusers would try to make things better and would make promises to conceal red flagsWanting to save the relationship will make you ignore or minimize the red flagsRecognizing the stages of abuse can help you end the cycle and lead you to the path of healingWords of Healing:“...Life goes on and life doesn't just go on like mediocre,  you thrive.” - Regina MarieIt's a scary place to be when you love someone and you want to point out what you see  with the fear – because there's fear involved – that you could, in essence, push that person away. - Regina MarieHow did I move forward? How did I get to the place that I could thrive? My faith was always the firmest of anything. My faith in God grew. -Dr. Char NewboldThough stories are not identical, there are a lot of commonalities about the cycle of abuse. - Dr. Char NewboldResources Mentioned:The Church's Response to Domestic ViolenceI’m Not That Woman Anymore: A Journey to Healing from Abuse, Leader GuideFollow Regina Marie:InstagramLinkedInFacebookYouTube

We are the ones responsible for defining who looks back at us in the mirror every single day. - Regina MarieBehind a smiling woman is a painful past full of trauma, abuse, domestic violence, and injustice.This is probably one of the most heartbreaking truths you’ll ever have to swallow. No matter how much we wave the magic wand, we can never erase the nightmarish experience of a trauma survivor. A wife that is yet to survive or is still currently trapped in an abusive marriage has the unfortunate tragedy of discovering there is no Disney-like ending to her story. In fact, every day is full of despair.But for those who have had the strength and courage to step out of the darkness and decided to walk into their own light - this podcast is for you. It is my lifelong goal to use this platform and my voice to amplify the plight of so many women and men who have been pained and wronged by a narcissistic, abusive partner. I hope that you will find not only solace but actual, practical solutions by listening to this podcast. Each week, you’ll be hearing from different people who are willing to selflessly share their own experiences and expertise to bring light to the issue of emotional and domestic abuse. You will also hear from me as I retell my own personal battles, such as what I have done in this maiden episode.Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to help you heal from abuse.  Whether you find healing and music, poetry, motivational speeches, inspiring quotes in art, physical fitness, and cooking - you name it - it does take the village. But it starts with you showing up for yourself. And listening to this podcast is one way you're doing that.Be proud of yourself for this very action of self-love that you're giving to yourself right now. And feel free to share it with others who need the support and encouragement.Healing Points of This Episode:Recognize and exploit abusers' red flags Divorce is a loss that needs grievingSharing experiences - no matter how dark and painful - starts the healingSelf-awareness and willingness to accept and understand are keyDifferent venues and opportunities to heal are available Survival techniques are nurtured as we grow olderKnowing how we deserve to be treated paves our path to recoveryWords of Healing:Not everyone will understand nor be on the same path as you or agree with your decision to change who you are because who you were is all they've ever known. That wasn't really you though.  Those were your triggers and co-dependencies. - Regina MarieBe okay with being alone for a short time. This is the moment for you to get to know who you are again. To become your own best friend again. - Regina MariePeople see things in you before you even see them in yourself. And they'll want to take them, silence them, or shame you for them. Or possibly all three! - Regina Marie I am refusing to reject myself for anyone else ever again. And I encourage you to do the same. - Regina MarieResources Mentioned:A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's PurposeEdge of a Cliff by Regina MarieFollow Regina Marie:InstagramLinkedInFacebookYouTube

Hi! I'm Regina Marie. I’m a domestic violence survivor and local advocate here in the St. Louis area. I am currently one internship away from becoming a licensed trauma-focused therapist specializing in helping survivors of domestic violence, as well as military and first responders, heal from their traumatic experiences. This podcast, My Healing Village, is a safe space to empower survivors of domestic abuse to find their path to healing.Follow Regina Marie:InstagramLinkedInFacebookYouTube