What does it mean to get what I want?

These are my notes and reflections on "Understanding Trauma", session 1 of Returning to Wholeness: A Guide to Understanding and Integrating Trauma, a 12-Lesson online course with Gabor Mate.

Desire inventory is a practice where one starts a timer for a certain amount of time (10 minutes for example). Once the timer is started one writes one's desires one at a time. I prefer to write it in this format "I desire [INSERT] because I want to feel [INSERT]. One keeps on going until the timer goes off at the end. Optionally one can write at the end "Dear God I wish to have these desires met or desire what I get if they will be for my higher good".

Part 5 of a series where I read the book  "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.

Part 4 of a series where I read the book  "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.

Reading an entry from my desires journal dated 2 January 2016.

ľm grateful for the immanent perceiver perceiving the perceived as is ungarnished by story, meaning, purpose innate & cognate precedes cognitive & conative pain is not suffering when the steak makes me salivate not the sizzle of hot media's bling bling native beauty of the felt sense fuzzy rich unyielding pleasure when it clicks inside deep mysterious always new ha! a-ha! hahaha laughter the child of surprise a sudden turn the ground spins beneath my feet I hold on optimal grip on what is real realtime processing affordances of my unwelt smell of freshly toasted spelt bread over which newly churned butter melts before the neurogenesis of photons inside the mind's eye l chop wood for our drumming circle's bonfire after glow of awakening I chop vanities to throw in the funeral pyre chasing tail purity of touch me not for I have not shed the idols of simulacrum lycra of inactive wear and tear, tear under my tongue it goes & she goes to feel the lump in my throat unease, discomfort simply listen with no explanation to glisten no priest to Christen the simplicity of sensing not making sense from the embodied richness whence this Luciferic mischief seeks recompense.

I'm grateful for the unfolding realities happen in the rightness of their times layers of becoming slowly exposed at each revealing striptease of being truth is to uncover recover what's beneath surfaces bubbling of what lies underneath surfacing of hidden skeletal details patterns of forms she holds my tiny hand as the other trace spirals in the sand sound of waves announcing the receding tide the moon pulls from the other side absence of her reflected light reveals flickering of long-lived stars the arresting red hues of fungi borne of mycelia running unseen unwitnessed in their tending the soil of possibilities trampled by busybodies bumping like predictable billiard balls steam trains on the track stations create a common time bound by Bundy Clocks tick tick tock tick tick tock life in sync with optimising chron jobs in misty clouds of silica guarded by guns dot one's tongue escape the logic dig for the magic reduction of absurdities reconnect with the chaos of turning as we enter the age of air unstable breezes from the hot desert lands prophecies intercede on one's behalf dry souls are best suited for the culling jihad for M'uad Dib to see futures is a curse for living in the now blind one's eyes there's no escape from the tragedy of fate the more I exercise freedoms the more destined I am supposedly listen to the secrets whispered under the rose as I lick poison on fingertips jabbed with blood a most special kind of juice for fools, civil society has no use to walk the unmapped paths the bliss of choice in uncertainty evolution borne of mistakes in replicating what has been unfaithful copying creates danger, creates possibilities creative destruction destructive creation this body is not me yet it materiality remains a mystery matter is truly dark dust the original sin of rebelling.

I'm grateful for touch a felt sense of human warmth palms, forearms, elbows glide through my aromatic oiled body letting go with each out-breath opening inviting in the other to come in feel their way through the body electric push through soften dissipate accretions of past hurt intense encounters of the unwelcome kind unexpected sudden slamming against the unbending will of the real there is healing in this wading through coming in listening to what the body is saying parallel bio networks of entelechy a push here reflects a pull there acausal synchronous they happen together not because of but with bearing the weight of squares, oppositions conjunctions of celestial spheres enjoying the ease of their sextiles trines aspects of the heavens reflected in the mundane I'm a descendant of my natal map's ascendant as above so below as inside so outside how I do one thing is how I do everything be cautious with the magic each of us holds in our bodies in our hands, in our minds, in the tiny unseen things that surround us without which we are not.

I'm grateful for double binds intractable, unsolvable, irreducible the poverty of context deprecates slip knot of Athens' pesky gnat nibbles at the adjacent possible dialogue is prologue to knowing who am I who you are us two us them, the bigger we no one's special each one ordinary yet all take part in super complex realities worlds of magic in the dreaming soaked in our bones living the thing is believing see for yourself know for yourself creation's experiment fully stacked, with a spiral movement subluxation releases, relaxes the integral embrace the dismal futomomo restraint of higher-order love archaic revival of the modern flick the switch of postmodern critique to go beyond is the Cathar's bond give my solemn word descent of sharp fiery sword systems learning to live within systems of systems of systems in paradox no other way to be but heterodox feel the base the drumbeat heartbeat rhythmic swings seasons a time for everything not to do is a doing doing is a seeing seeing is to change things the warmth of hands as I cry my heart out frustrated masculine agency nurtured by feminine generosity flight of dragons a coven of the reborn.