Character analysis! Credits! Controversy! And TWO final jokes! For the last minute of the film, this is a jam-packed episode. The gong and loudspeaker are united at last as guest Pete Mummert realizes this means Duke and Hawkeye are just living in Japan now. Enjoy the long goodbye talking about our final thoughts on Altman and Altman’s final thoughts on endings. Leave with the Jeep that brung ya!

Didn’t you ever go to Sunday School? Today Rene Auberjonois finds a prayer for a Jeep, Pete Mummert explains who is and isn’t going to Ethiopia, and we debate if any of these guys have been transformed by their experiences in the MASH. Being sad about the lack of goodbye between Duke and Margaret, we make it worse by imagining what that scene would have been like. Yikes. The only way to cheer ourselves up is to listen to the last movie announcement… and, hey, wait a minute! WE’VE been watching MASH!

As Duke and Margaret realize their relationship is over, MASH Minute experiences its first Beautiful Eyes Alert. Right after this silent emotional exchange, Altman cuts to the Swampmen saying good-bye because he hates Tierney and wants to make her cry. Pup Pup whimpers, for god’s sake! We recover by discussing Trapper’s stunted emotional maturity, debating the merits of the TV show’s spinoffs, and investigating deployment lengths. #LetColonelPotterRetire #TakeCareOfTheSquirrels

Hawkeye, put a mask on! Donald Sutherland interrupts an operation to let Duke know they can go home, prompting a fantasy… or a flash forward… or what was an alternate ending. Megan is predictably cynical about Duke’s happy homecoming with his wife. Tierney predictably wishes she was excitedly leaping around on this tarmac too. And guest Pete Mummert is predictably worried about the dog running so close to the road. It’s all going to be okay (maybe) as we begin the last scene of the movie.

After a victory celebration in the middle of the MASH unit, the scene changes to a poker game. Perhaps they’re spending all their winnings. Perhaps they’re drinking stolen beer. All we know for sure is that it’s NOT Ho Jon’s body being loaded onto a truck outside. Come for the confusion over what Trapper’s hand means, stay for the love of Margaret’s style and competitive instincts. Oh, also Megan, Tierney, and guest Dan Hoisington write the perfect sequel aka “AFTER MASH, The Movie: The Brotherhood of the MASH Vets’ Traveling Car”.

Welcome to Chaos Minute, where we analyze the end of this football game in all its glory. From the referee’s overenthusiastic gun shooting to Vollmer’s end zone “celebration”, from Mulcahy poppin’ bottles to whirly sound rings, we embrace the hectic energy of MASH winning the game (much to Hammond’s dismay). Dan Hoisington-McArthur is back to help us unpack what it means that the EVAC players are busy smoking a joint while poor Vollmer is left out of the locker room party. That’s him in the corner. That’s him out of the spot light, putting on a band aid. Trying to fix up his boo-boo, and I don’t know if he can do it. Oh no, I’ve said too much.

It’s the beginning of the end as Jones announces to the team huddle that he has a trick play to win the game! We’re joined by Dan Hoisington-McArthur to discuss the mysteries of Radar’s missing water bottle, the power of inflation, and how these crazy football plays actually work sometimes. As Vollmer becomes the most important person in this movie, we teach our guest about the O.G. mumblecore.

After realizing Houlihan just needs to play Powderpuff Football (and that Nirvana is now “classic rock” and we are all ancient), we dig into the 3-angle replay of a vicious tackle. Jen Deaderick isn’t a super-fan of football but she IS determined to get Tierney prescription goggles and to convince the world of the greatness of babies wearing hats. A real life Hot Lips and a real life pro footballer Deaderick end our week, but nothing will stop the fighting in this football game.

Oh, hang on a sec, Hammond needs to objectify this cheerleader real quick. Today a nonsensical insult from Blake leads to us to conclude that everyone is just meat, guest Jen Deaderick manages to connect Hammond and his aide with Charles and Ray Eames, and Megan chairs a meeting of the Elliott Gould Fan Club. We get political but tie it back to the atmosphere around MASH and the Cold War, so it’s relevant! Listener, you incredible nincompoop, we are finally getting through this football game.

After Jones explains the old pro trick EVAC 88 (Mr. Bastard) has played on Judson, MASH 69 takes his revenge and it is indeed divine. His insulting of the guy’s sister reminds us of Slap Shot, which makes us think about Paul Newman, which is dreamy. Jen Deaderick joins us in admiring Altman’s use of sound and this movie’s comedic editing, which makes us think about Marcia Lucas, and it’s also dreamy. And we round out our analysis of this minute discussing Patton and George C. Scott (who some people think is dreamy). The only question left is: popcorn or sno-caps?