Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected] When a husband emailed asking why his wife still brings up his affair every week, three years after it happened, even though she says she has forgiven him, we knew this conversation was going to land for a lot of people. His question was simple and brave: am I allowed to ask for more? And underneath it sits the question nobody wants to say out loud. What's the difference between a spouse who is genuinely still healing, and a spouse who is using the past as a weapon? In this episode of Lights On, We got into the full timeline of recovery after betrayal: the early trauma phase, the processing phase, and the long rebuilding phase that doesn't end the way most couples expect. We explain why "time heals all wounds" is one of the worst lies ever sold, why some marriages get stuck in what they call a hostage crisis, and how to tell the difference between healing pain and recycled pain. You'll hear the sponge metaphor that has helped more couples than we can count. The guardrails every rebuilding marriage needs. The hard truth for women who say they want a strong man back while still breaking him down daily. And the even harder truth for men who keep leading with "don't I have the right" instead of "I'm choosing to own this." Whether you're three months in, three years in, or quietly sitting in pain longer than you want to admit, this episode is built to give you clarity. Because clarity is the thing that brings the power back into the room. We closed with the three choices every couple has to make: heal, heal together, or heal separately. The only option that doesn't exist is no plan. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 2:38 - Welcome 3:27 - The Email — "She Says She Forgave Me But Her Actions Say Otherwise" 4:18 - Are You Allowed to Ask for More? 5:45 - What You Lose the Right to Ask 6:34 - You Still Deserve Basic Dignity 7:56 - Where Is This Marriage Going? 8:37 - When She Stays But Won't Heal 9:07 - The Healing Timeline Explained 10:28 - Phase 1 — Chaos (0–3 Months) 11:04 - God Behind Bars 11:36 - Phase 2 — Processing (3–12 Months) 12:05 - Phase 3 — Rebuilding (1–2 Years+) 13:04 - Why "Time Heals All Wounds" Is a Lie 18:18 - BetterHelp 19:18 - What Real Healing Actually Looks Like 21:45 - The Sponge Analogy 23:08 - Using the Past as a Weapon vs. Processing It 24:38 - You Never Have to Forget 25:13 - The Ground Rules That Keep You Both Safe 27:25 - How Your Words Are Building or Destroying Your Husband 28:49 - Wonder Project 29:53 - Stop Being Vague About How You're Healing 31:12 - Getting Clear About Intimacy 32:50 - How Do You Know Someone Is Actually Healing? 33:04 - When Therapy Makes Things Worse 35:29 - She's Not Cold. She's Firm. 36:52 - Policy Genius 38:02 - Forgiveness and Rebuilding Are Not the Same Thing 38:31 - The Posture Every Husband Needs Right Now 39:55 - You Have to Learn to Meet Your Own Needs 41:23 - Stop Leading With "Don't I Have Rights?" 43:03 - Six Years Later — It Still Shows Up 44:58 - The Three Choices Every Couple Has to Make 46:56 - Are You Choosing to Heal Today? 48:04 - Outro See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected] This episode explores the tension between "be the light of the world" and "live a quiet life" - and why both can coexist in the same calling. Carl sits down with Ruslan Alkhouri, the Armenian refugee turned seven-figure media entrepreneur, about faithfulness before platform, godly ambition versus worldly fame, and why implementation always beats information. The conversation covers twenty years of faithful local service that nobody saw, how God breathed on Ruslan's YouTube platform during the pandemic, and the controversial topic of wealth in ministry. You'll hear why your assignment is seasonal but your purpose is constant, and why you can't change people no matter how hard you try. If you're wrestling with how to build something meaningful without losing your soul, or wondering whether your current season of faithfulness will ever lead to breakthrough, this conversation was made for you. Follow Carl at: instagram.com/carllentz Follow Laura at: instagram.com/lauralentz Follow Ruslan at: instagram.com/ruslankd Supported by Wonder Project https://www.thewonderproject.com/ Supported by God Behind Bars https://www.godbehindbars.com/ Supported by Policy Genius https://www.policygenius.com/ Supported by Better Help https://www.betterhelp.com/ Chapters: 0:00 – Intro Highlights 0:56 – Meet the Guest: Ruslan 1:41 – From Armenian Refugee to Gangster Culture 4:35 – Finding Faith & Surrendering His Life 5:18 – 20 Years of Serving Quietly Before the Platform 7:30 – Shifting Away from Call-Out Culture 9:30 – Wonder Project (Sponsor) 10:35 – Getting Under Healthy Leadership at Rhythm Church 13:05 – Did He Feel Behind? The Engine of Godly Ambition 21:03 – God Behind Bars (Sponsor) 21:35 – Who Is This Book For? 29:39 – Policy Genius (Sponsor) 30:49 – Ambition Is Evil… Or Is It? 32:08 – The Comparison Trap & Social Media Lies 34:18 – "Live a Quiet Life" – The Most Misused Scripture 36:32 – The State of Culture: Distrust in Institutions 43:00 – Purpose Is Constant, Assignment Is Seasonal 45:31 – Small Habits Build Great Men 46:41 – BetterHelp (Sponsor) 47:41 – What You Do ≠ Who You Are 51:05 – Talent Stacking: Nothing Is Wasted 53:03 – Biblical Financial Literacy & The Missing Conversation 58:30 – Generosity Is a State of Mind 1:03:34 – Closing: The Book & Final Words See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected] When a mom of three teenage boys emailed us asking how to lead her family through the aftermath of her husband's betrayal, we knew this conversation needed its own episode. Her oldest son has gone cold. The anger is hardening. The whole family is weary. And she's wondering if the work she and her husband are doing will ever be enough to reach the kids who didn't choose any of this. In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura sit with the question every couple in recovery eventually has to face: how do you parent well while your kids are still reacting to something you created? Drawing from six years on this road with their own three children, they reframe the question entirely, walk through what the adolescent brain is actually capable of processing, and offer five principles that have carried their family through layered, lagging, multi-year healing. You'll hear why the most dangerous timeline in family recovery is the one in your head. Why your son's anger is not his final form. Why "show me, don't tell me" is the only currency teenagers will spend. And why the goal isn't to win your kids back, it's to become so steady, so safe, and so full of life that the ice has no choice but to melt. If you're a parent in the thick of repair work, or you're watching someone you love try to lead a family through the consequences of a hard year, this one was written for you. Carl gets honest about shame, consistency, and the moments his own kids have caught him still mirroring their pain. Laura speaks directly to the fear underneath your child's reactions: they didn't just lose trust in you, they lost trust in life itself. Stay for the metaphors that will outlast the episode (the garden, the ice block, the leaking roof) and the reminder that you are not behind. You are right on time. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Supported by Wonder Project https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus CHAPTERS: 0:00 Intro 0:58 Welcome to Lights On 1:00 The Listener's Email 2:51 The Family's Story 4:24 Why This Episode Matters 5:11 Reframing the Question 7:07 How Kids Process Betrayal 8:00 Children Heal on Their Own Timeline 10:13 The 5 Principles 11:01 Resetting Expectations 13:08 Principle 1: Don't Mirror Your Kids 18:07 The Garden Mindset 20:03 When Shame Tries to Win 21:34 They Lost Trust in Life 24:17 Leading When They're Not Okay 25:00 One Day at a Time 29:03 Answer Pain with Patience 30:28 Your Calm Heals Them 31:58 Show the Repair 34:04 Holding the Line with Grace 35:20 Keep Encouraging Therapy 36:44 Principle 2: Anger Isn't Their Final Form 38:35 Principle 3: You Can't Rush Trust 40:06 Do It Because You're Healthy 40:58 Control Your Consistency, Not Them 41:19 Principle 4: Lead by Example 43:10 Kids Notice Everything 44:25 Let Them See the Repair 45:03 Repair in Front of Them 46:47 Principle 5: Heat, Not Pressure 48:00 Creating Safety Over Time 49:20 Don't Give Up 49:54 Outro & Sponsors See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you or someone you love is trapped in addiction and you've run out of answers, call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net In this honest and hope-filled episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz sits down with Lance Lang — pastor's kid turned 50-pill-a-day addict turned founder of Hope Is Alive — for a conversation that will change the way you see addiction forever. Lance breaks down the moment he hit rock bottom, why addiction doesn't care about your last name, your bank account, or your upbringing, and how one full confession in his uncle's office on April 6th, 2011 became the first day of the rest of his life. Carl and Lance dismantle the stigma that rehab is for people who've lost everything, explain why explanations are not excuses but tools, and make the case that sobriety is not a surrender — it's a superpower. From the lie that you're too busy to get help, to the three things every family member of an addict needs to hear, to why the cost of not going is always greater than the cost of going, this episode is a lifeline for anyone who's been waiting for a sign. Whether you're the one struggling in silence, the spouse who's tried everything, or the parent sitting in a pew next to someone who's carrying the same secret you are — this is your moment. Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most. If this episode gave you hope or you're ready to take the next step, don't wait. Call Hope Is Alive at 1-844-3-HOPE-NOW or visit hopeisalive.net Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Lance at: hopeisalive.net Hope Is Alive: hopeisalive.net Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/ CHAPTERS: 0:00 - Welcome to Lights On 1:56 - Lance Lang: Pastor's Kid, Drug Addict, Founder 3:56 - Addiction Doesn't Discriminate 8:39 - Rock Bottom: 50 Pills a Day 9:55 - The First Full Confession 10:27 - 90 Days That Changed Everything 13:53 - God Behind Bars Partnership 16:00 - What People Get Wrong About Addiction 21:05 - Explanations Are Not Excuses 23:18 - Remove the Stigma From Rehab 25:29 - Hope Is Alive: Recovery Done Differently 31:01 - Finding Hope: Support Groups for Families 33:15 - You're Not Alone. It's Not Your Fault. There Is Hope. 40:21 - Plana Partnership 41:02 - Sobriety Is Your Superpower 43:49 - Recovery Is Not Just Sobriety — It's Identity 46:23 - Try the Drug Called Hope 47:54 - How to Call Hope Is Alive Right Now 49:25 - A Word to the Addict Listening See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected] In this episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura answer three listener questions that keep circling the same uncomfortable truth: good intentions are not the same as real work. And the people you love can feel the difference. The first question comes from a couple on the other side of a hard season. They are doing well, on the same page, and they want to know what easy, non-heavy things actually help a marriage reconnect. Carl and Laura break down the Treasure Walk, a simple but intentional 20 minute practice that changed the way they communicate. The rule is straightforward. The other person is the treasure chest. Your only job is to find out what is in there. They also get into why fun is not optional during rebuilding seasons, why pickleball almost ended their marriage, and what it actually means to make your relationship a stated priority versus a real one. The second question comes from a man who fought hard to save his marriage after his wife had an affair with someone in their own spiritual community. They divorced. She remarried. He is now engaged to someone incredible. And he is still carrying the weight of what he lost. His fiancee is asking whether he is fully healed. His honest answer is that he does not know. Carl walks him through what he calls the position switch, the difference between grieving what you cannot change and investing in what is right in front of you. Grief is a signal, not a home. And what you stop feeding will eventually stop running your life. The third question is the one the whole episode builds toward. A woman who was betrayed and abused. She left, moved countries, committed to two full years of consistent therapy work and has seen real transformation in herself. Her husband followed. His effort has been on and off, starting and stopping therapy depending on his mood or who he is around. Now there is pressure to reconcile and move back in together, and she is being asked to treat his inconsistent effort as equivalent to hers. Carl is direct: the betrayer does not get to drive the car of the new chapter. He then reads, for the first time since receiving it, the letter his therapist wrote him after five years of showing up every single Tuesday night for two and a half hours. What consistency actually looks like in the long run. What it costs. And what it builds that nothing else can. This episode is for anyone who has confused presence with progress, or mistaken tears and intentions for evidence. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Supported by Wonder Project https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/offers/ref=atv_3p_amz_c_CDvZ9m_1_1?benefitId=wonderprojectus See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you're a man trapped in a cycle of pornography and shame, email us at [email protected] In this raw and practical episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz brings back Blaine Bartell for a conversation built for the man who has tried everything and still can't break free. Blaine, founder of House of Resurrection and a man who lost everything to 23 years of sexual addiction, breaks down the exact system that keeps men stuck: the addiction cycle of trigger, crave, cave, and payoff. But more importantly, he reveals the freedom cycle that saved his life and can save yours. Carl and Blaine dismantle the myth that willpower and accountability partners are enough, explain why advocacy and brotherhood heal what policing never could, and give you a step by step playbook you can start today. From the Swiss cheese method of stacking recovery layers to why you don't stop something by stopping something, this episode is a lifeline for any man ready to fight a broken system with a better one. Whether you struggle in silence, love someone who does, or pastor men who will never tell you the truth, this is your blueprint for building a life with nothing to hide. Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Blaine at: https://blainebartell.com/ House of Resurrection: https://houseofres.life Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected] In this raw episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura dive into the difficult questions surrounding marital betrayal, emotional boundaries, and the road to healing. Should you tell your children about your marital struggles? Why do women cheat, and is the husband ever to blame? What actually defines an emotional affair, and how do you escape the "validation trap" before it destroys everything? Drawing from their own journey through public betrayal and 23 years of marriage, Carl and Laura explore why "image protection" is often the greatest enemy of true healing. They challenge the societal narratives that make some affairs seem "understandable" while others are "predatory," and they expose the uncomfortable truth about why men and women often seek intimacy outside their marriage. Whether you're a betrayed spouse trying to make sense of the chaos, or a partner realizing you’ve been "lonely together" for far too long, this episode offers a roadmap back to connection. Laura opens up about the power of self-worth that isn't dependent on a spouse's validation, and Carl delivers a hard truth for anyone trying to blamesharing their way out of a broken vow: atonement must come before explanation. From the "nose-to-nose" challenge that exposes the distance between you, to the daily affirmations that rewire your brain for confidence, to the "sliding door moments" where affairs actually begin—this episode is for any couple ready to stop protecting a fake image and start building a real legacy. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ Supported by God Behind Bars https://godbehindbars.com Supported by Plana https://plana.org/ CHAPTERS: 00:00 Intro 01:15 Why Doesn't Laura Speak More? 03:08 Should We Tell Our Children About Marital Struggles? 09:56 God Behind Bars Partnership 10:29 Why Do Women Cheat? 14:15 The Brain’s Search for Control After Betrayal 20:49 The Validation Trap: Why Affairs Feel Like a Dream 23:08 Owning Your Own Validation 28:27 Affirmations: Rewiring Your Brain for Self-Worth 32:57 Atonement vs. Blamesharing 34:52 Society’s Narrative on Infidelity 37:44 Plana Partnership 38:18 Defining Emotional Affairs 41:11 The Danger of Being "Lonely Together" 46:54 How Well Do You Know Your Partner? 47:58 Closing and How to Contact Us See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you're searching for peace and don't know where to start, email us at [email protected] In this episode of Lights On, Carl Lentz sits down with longtime friend and author Tim Ross for a conversation that redefines everything you thought you knew about peace. Tim, host of The Basement podcast and author of the new book The Missing Peace, breaks down why peace is not the absence of problems but the quiet regulation of your nervous system that nothing external can shake. Carl and Tim unpack the difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping, why power without peace is chaos, and how to measure your growth by how fast you repair after getting rattled. Tim shares how childhood sexual abuse, growing up in gang territory in Englewood, California, and years of therapy led him to a revelation most people miss: you are not looking for peace, you are uncovering the peace that has been buried inside you all along. From the storm in Mark 4 to the stoning of Stephen, they hold up an ancient standard for what regulated faith actually looks like. Whether your peace is tied to your bank account, your marriage, your habits, or a substance you reach for when life gets loud, this episode will challenge you to stop chasing peace and start digging it out. Drawing from 23 years of marriage and their own journey through betrayal, rebuilding, and recovery, Carl and Laura created Lights On to bring light to the areas of life where we need it most. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Tim at: https://www.instagram.com/upsetthegram/ Pre-order The Missing Peace by Tim Ross: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Peace-Together-Youre-Falling-ebook/dp/B0FYQRY6CR The Basement Podcast - search "The Basement with Tim Ross" on Spotify Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected] Three listener questions. All of them about what betrayal actually does to a person. Not just to the marriage. To the voice inside that kept saying something is wrong. A woman who spent years convincing herself she was the problem just found out her husband has a gambling addiction and has been lying to her for years. Carl and Laura break down the difference between intuition and anxiety, why gaslighting trains you to distrust the nudge, and the three-step process for rebuilding self-trust. Carl also delivers something every husband in recovery needs to hear: full disclosure does not just help your wife. It restores her confidence in herself. A woman two years into dating a man she loves has discovered multiple lies about his past. He is honest when confronted. Never before. Carl and Laura explain why being honest when caught is not the same as being honest, and why the question is never about his past. It is about his integrity under low pressure. Because marriage does not reduce pressure. It multiplies it. A woman three years past her husband's infidelity is still together, has done the work, and still feels emotionally abandoned. Carl distinguishes remorse from repair. One says I am sorry. The other says I can stay present in your pain. Most men only know how to do one. This episode will challenge anyone who believes that stopping the behavior is the same thing as doing the work. Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get our new book Overcoming Infidelity: 10 Conversations to Help Heal the Hurt here: - Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1668230496 - Barnes and Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/overcoming-infidelity-carl-lentz/1149403061?ean=9781668230510 - Simon and Schuster: https://www.simonandschuster.com.au/books/Overcoming-Infidelity/Carl-Lentz/9781668230510 --- Want to submit questions? Email us at [email protected] --- A listener writes in about something she has never fully admitted before. She was never physically attracted to her husband. She chose him because he loved Jesus and she believed he would be a good husband and father. They have never had a good sex life. And now, after his infidelity, the attraction is completely gone and she does not know where to go from here. Carl and Laura break down the two pillars that build genuine sexual attraction, security and mystery, and explain exactly how infidelity destroys both. Carl shares why your wife's nervous system is a direct mirror of your tone and consistency over time. Laura walks through her four-question matrix for identifying exactly why attraction is gone, because the reason determines the path. From the difference between companionate love and erotic love, to why admiration is the most underrated on-ramp to desire, this episode delivers the kind of counsel most people cannot find anywhere else. This episode will challenge anyone who has ever confused being a good person with being a desirable partner. --- Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/ Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/ ---- Supported by God Behind Bars - https://godbehindbars.com Supported by Plana - https://plana.org/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.