This episode is in the same “dark intermission” thread as “the case for not choosing the guy (or girl) that makes the huge effort.” In this episode, I examine the questions a lot of us have following the ending of a toxic relationship - particularly the one where we did go for the guy who made the huge effort, only to be dumped just as quickly as they came into our lives. We can’t help but think, “why didn’t they choose me?” “They liked me so much in the beginning, what happened? What did I do? Why didn’t they love me?” So often we focus this conversation around what we did to repel or push them away, not realizing that the basis for the relationship was never even about you or them - it was about a need you both shared. A need that was complementary in the beginning that became contradictory once normal relationship issues come up. Ego and genuine, honest love simply cannot exist together. They negate each other. So while you think you’ve done something wrong, sometimes it’s doing something right that’s chasing the unhealthy people away - and this isn’t a bad things. Sure there could be things you also need to learn and work on, but someone’s ability to love you rarely has as much to do with you as it does with them and the relationship dynamics they are familiar, comfortable, and accustomed to. Sometimes it’s normal, healthy behaviors that push unhealthy people away, and that’s okay - because their rejection really is just divine redirection. Have a listen to find out why and what you can do to stay on your path.

After going through the “little learnings” of logical fallacies and cognitive distortions, we finish off this cognitive restructuring segment with thought reappraisals. Thought reappraisals begin with identifying distortions that other people have told us or ones that we’ve told ourselves. By first recognizing that we’ve fallen into thinking traps can we start to find our way back to truth. By finding our way back to truth, we can more easily regulate our emotions by intervening at the thought level, challenging the core beliefs and world views that might be limiting our perspectives. By learning to see as things actually are rather than as we are, or as our trauma has informed us to see, we can move past dysregulation and into a more happy, healthy, and balanced future.

This is the second of the “little learnings” we’ll be using for interrupting the cycle at the thought level. While logical fallacies talk about argument and evaluation in terms of interpersonal debate, cognitive distortions really speak to our mind’s misinterpretation of events, information, situations, or people being presented to us. Even more often, cognitive distortions can affect the way we see ourselves. If we accidentally distort the way we see things, we may act in ways that aren’t aligned with what’s healthiest for us or others. The goal is to uncover the truth about our own thinking patterns, so we can move toward a better reality because we see one is possible. In the next episode, we’ll get right into thought reappraisals and how to reframe our thoughts to be more geared toward reality and accuracy. From there, we can potentially reverse the downward spiraling of our lives by interrupting our behavior at the thought level. By lodging in new thoughts, we can allowing for a new feelings, body sensations, behaviors, and, essentially, an entire upward spiral to take hold.

Before we deep dive into [step three] of mapping healing - interrupting the cycle - I wanted to give you guys these “little learnings” to shed light on how exactly we can interrupt the cycle at the thought level. Understanding logical fallacies are critical in seeing how people’s perceptions, arguments, or evaluations of us can shape the way we think and feel about ourselves. We may shockingly come to find we’ve been basing our opinions of ourselves in distortions of reality or even down right lies. You might also be surprised to find some logical fallacies even border on emotional manipulation, in which you might have been subjected to you. In any case, I’m here to help you get your mind right. From getting your mind right, our feelings, body sensations, and behavior tend to follow, and, hence, begin to help us break free from our familiar patterns. Whether you’re unearthing trauma and past things people have said to you or stuck in a heated debate, logical fallacies are essential when thinking critically, so let’s get right into them!

We’ve all been here before - being treated less than desirably by the guy (or girl) who wanted us first. Often times, we think to ourselves, “well, if he’s (/she’s) making such a huge effort, maybe I’ll give it a shot,” only to proven to why you should have never given them any chance in the first place. In this episode of the dark intermission series, I reflect on a recent end to a talking stage and make the case of why we shouldn’t go for the guy (or girl) just because they’re making a big effort. Because effort level is only a reflection of their interest in you, I talk about all the ways, simply focusing on interest and effort is problematic. As I see it, huge strides of effort early on could be just as big a red flag as expressing no interest at all. Let’s have a chat on the three essential levels of moving past the talking stage and taking a closer look as to why effort level isn’t as strong an indication that the relationship will progress past the initial interest as we’d like to think.

This episode serves as the part two follow up to the “ [step two] uncovering the truth” episode of the mapping healing series. Because I understand what a hot topic all things God and religion can be, I wanted to pair this off into a separate episode for those truly interested in exploring their spirituality. For me, God in my recovery was absolutely essential. I, personally, cannot separate the two, but given that speaking about God had different impacts on me, depending on where I was at in my recovery, I want to respect the wishes of all people at all points in their journey. In this episode, I speak specifically about my experiences with God throughout different stages of my recovery and healing journey. To me, while tremendous work can be done in terms of gaining information, in the “uncovering the truth” step, I found that the only real and lasting progress I made was when I started to place my life in God’s hands. The more I let go and surrendered, the more I found freedom. Additionally, I found that doing this “uncovering the truth” step in community with others, especially those with wisdom who could see what I couldn’t, knew truth that I didn’t, and helped lead me closer to understanding God was ultimately the deciding factor in how much progress I would eventually make. While I respect the wishes of all people, it is just my experience that God was a key and missing point in my life to which I do not believe recovery and freedom would have been possible. He supplied and provided things I didn’t even know I needed that ultimately led to the upward spiral I live in now. This is to also note that this journey - just like my recovery - wasn’t without its ups and downs, but just because you experience ups and downs, doesn’t mean God has ever left your side. In my conclusion, I don’t think I chose God as much as He chose me. I don’t think I brought myself up as much as God led me up. I truly don’t think I could have managed without His presence in my life, and this is just my story and perspective on that, and why I think He should be included in your healing journey, if you so choose. With him, many truths are illuminated - truths and provision that set you free. In effect, I couldn’t talk about what it means to uncover the truth, informationally, without talking about what it means to uncover the truth, spiritually. I think recovery and true healing happens when both coexist at once - an identity outside of your worldly and often traumatizing experiences.

While I take myself through the mapping healing journey, I find myself, again, in the uncovering truth stage, gleaning new insights to unlock new levels of my recovery. In doing so, and spending time going back to look at the origins of my binge eating, I’m starting to see that no matter what you struggle with - eating disorder, adhd, personality disorder, mood disorder, panic and anxiety disorder, depression, etc., the body is always - even if unconsciously - looking for regulation. In every addiction, substance abuse problem, brain-behavior impulses, mental health issues, and destructive habits, there is an unseen pull for the body to get to balance. In this episode, I talk about the 7 pillars of health that universally bring every person, everywhere back into health, regardless of individual circumstance. These are the foundational pillars to which, even if other areas in your life are in disarray, the calm, routine and regulation of keeping these pillars in place, can make those other issues easier to manage. In essence, building these pillars in place through implementation in your daily routine will increase your resilience to stressful circumstances infinite fold. I introduce this in the middle of the mapping healing series because while finding out all the interworkings of our individual problems past and presents can be daunting, and healing itself can be an arduous battle, keeping these pillars strong and steady throughout your healing journey are the best way to safeguard yourself against further and new adversity. It’s a sure-win place to focus your efforts and guide you back into balance even when dealing with you past or present circumstances seems most difficult. The hope is even by simply upholding these pillars, the pulls to destructive behavior for regulation will be less tempting because you are establishing a routine of regulation in your everyday life. By patching up the holes in your life outside of your unsocial issues, there are less holes to fall into on your road through recovery. By standing on these pillars, you create a stable foundation for you to flourish and better equip yourself to stand tall in the face of adversity. **just want to add a disclaimer that I am not a doctor. I’m constantly learning new information and science is always evolving. While I have a science background, I am not by any means a professional in this field. I try my best to give you information to the best of my knowledge, but particularly the fields of neuroscience and nutrition are always changing and new information is being presented, so please use this information as just a guide to further your own research. For instance, after this recording, I saw evidence that the ketogenic diet, which limits carbohydrate intake, can be highly beneficial for mental and neurological disorders, so while I stand by the pillars as safeguards for holistic health, there are specifics that I only know enough to give general information, and sometimes I get it wrong! Please use all this information as a guide and not as the advice of a healthcare professional.**

In this episode, we dive straight into step two of the healing journey - uncovering the truth. After a brief overview of what we covered in step one, figuring out what’s broken, we explore how learning and gaining greater insight can better help us troubleshoot the core issues of our lives. By becoming curious about attachment theory, emotional attitudes, past traumas, family dynamics, the cycle of addiction, cognitive distortions, etc., we can gain information to help us make practical and lasting changes in our lives. We are essentially educating ourselves on the different facets and moving parts of ourselves and our lives - present and future - in order to guide us to the direction we want to go, and interrupt any cycles in an opposing direction. If sailing is the objective, uncovering the truth is the manual, while step three - interrupting the cycle - is actually learning to sail. In this case, everything we learn and glean from this uncovering the truth stage will effectively inform how we approach the next step of healing - interrupting the cycle. The goal of this step is not just to gain information, but to gain insight to inform the practical actions we need to take in our life to bring us back to balance, regulation, and, thus, recovery. While we focus mostly on step two, uncovering the truth, we are all setting up for step three to happen naturally and most effectively.

This episode is the continuation of the “Mapping Healing” series I began in episode 02. While episode 02 is the overarching look at the healing process and a brief look at each stage, this episode looks specially at the first step, which I’ve titled, “figuring out what’s broken.” In the episode, I discuss the differences between what’s genuinely going on behind the surface of symptoms. While symptoms may be trying to show you there’s a problem, it may not actually be the root problem. I talk about the benefit of looking at your life as a series of cause and effect to try and analyze what might have gone awry. I also speak to step two, uncovering the truth stage, to help gain information - but more largely, perspective - to help diagnose what might really be going on. I talk again about cycles of addiction, introduce attachment styles, coping mechanisms, and defense mechanisms. Emotional attitudes and behaviors passed down from parents is also explored. Please note that this is the second episode in a seven part series.

When it comes to healing, we may find ourselves pushing toward the light, but also find the dark pushing back. I promised to be a friend in both, so here I am - in the dark with you. In this episode, I talk about the feelings that come up when comparing my traumatized life to the life of someone I found to be extraordinary and healthy. I talk honestly about the loss of this friendship, as well as my struggles with slipping back into eating disorder behavior. As I look back, I find it hard to see all that I’ve missed out on - seeing trauma, bad relationships, and disordered behavior rule my life for so many years - but, ultimately, I don’t decide to stay there. Come with me as I take you into the shadows of my mind, with the hope that showing you my way, will help you find your way too.