Addiction is often misunderstood with perceptions ranging from poor choices, moral failings or a brain disorder. Dr. Sandra Newes, clinical psychologist focuses on the treatment of both adolescents and young adults diagnosed with substance misuse and addiction, clarifies what addiction is and is not. She delves into the risk factors that all parents should know and understand in their children and prevention strategies to lower those risks.

One of the bests gifts to give yourself during the holidays, forgiveness.Why it’s important to forgive yourself, your family and friends and your addicted loved one This will be my second Christmas without my daughter Laura who struggled for 15 years with addiction but lost her life to overdose on December 21, 2017, right before the holidays.  But even when Laura was with us, holidays were often stressful because I never knew what kind of tension and drama she might create for the family.It’s so easy to sit back during the holidays and beat yourself up.  Your friends are all having a wonderful Christmas dinner, opening their gifts, and connecting with family.  Your family may have been turned upside down, so you reflect on how you managed to get yourself in this mess.  You look at what you did or didn’t do to create such a dysfunctional family, holiday or in my case lose a loved one.  So now it’s time to open up the gift of forgiveness. It’s not your fault.  I repeat, it’s not your fault.  Your loved one had a genetic predisposition to develop the disease of addiction because the genes that trigger it run in families.  Ten people could go to a party, have a drink and not feel uncontrollably compelled to keep going.  But that 1 person in 10 that is genetically pre-disposed will have their brain’s reward center triggered to need more of the substance that caused their dopamine production to go wild.  It’s not your fault that those genes ran in your family just as it’s not your fault if you have diabetes in your genes.  Your loved one didn’t develop the disease because of you.Don’t blame yourself because of your parenting.  Parenting is hard enough no matter what someone tells you.  Everyone makes mistakes and you’ve likely made more than a few when it comes to managing an adolescent that become oppositional, then defiant, then a drug user and then an addict.  Trust me that I was one of those parents with my daughter Laura.  But you need to give yourself a break.  It’s hard to make the best decisions when you are in the middle of a war and under siege.  Addiction may have come on quickly not giving you the time to be fully informed and ready.  Everyone makes mistakes, even parents with those picture-perfect kids.  It’s time to forgive yourself for any parenting missteps during this crisis.Forgive those people around you.  You are going to be surprised at the friends, family and co-workers who just didn’t understand the depth of your struggles.  You may feel their scrutiny and disapproval and find them distancing themselves from you.  Although that may seem terrible, it’s perfectly understandable that they don’t really understand because nobody can unless they have walked in your shoes.When I first sent my daughter Laura to wilderness therapy treatment, I chose a New Year’s Eve party to announce my decision to my friends, some of which knew about our struggles and others did not. I was greeted with, “How could you?” and “Why didn’t you try other things first?”.  At first, I was insulted and horrified that they just didn’t get it because that was one of the hardest decisions of my life.  But then on reflection, I began to understand why they didn’t get it.  They had never had an experience like this.  I decided to forgive those people and years later shared with them how their comments did me a favor to enlighten me about how to better manage my conversations with others when it came to my daughter and help others do the same. And finally, forgive the addict you love. My daughter did some terrible things in the throes of her disease.  She would go months without answering my calls or texts making me fear if she was safe.  She would attack me verbally when I pressed her about her behavior.&nbsp

Give Yourself the Gift of Community. Make connections to help support you as you battle addiction.If you are struggling with addiction or have an addict in your family, going it alone is never a good idea.  I was fortunate in many ways that when my 14-year old daughter began her struggle, I had close friends that were there for me who had watched Laura grow up and knew I needed help.  And people were there for me throughout the 15 years we battled the disease, and in the end when she overdosed and died.You need help and support around you to give you perspective, a sanity check, relief and acceptance and that comes by finding a community that you can connect to.  Communities help us feel connected and a part of something, but they also have strong benefits when it comes to helping you as you battle the disease of addiction for yourself or for a loved one.Communities allow us to benefit from the lessons others have learned so we don’t have to learn from our own mistakes.  Communities can inspire us when we watch members achieve things that go right in their lives.  Communities give us contacts we can call on when we need help.  Knowing others that are going through the same things we are, learning from them and getting their support is a very important gift that you can give yourself. Our company, InterAct LifeLine, supports collegiate recovery communities, organized groups for people in recovery on college campuses.  The gift of belonging to those communities as a student is a higher graduation rate, a higher GPA, a much lower return to substance misuse and frankly, friends you keep your entire life. For those struggling with addiction, finding communities of sober, like-minded people promotes healthy social interaction replacing the circle of people that misused substances with others that you can connect with without worrying about being around drugs or alcohol.  Communities provide support when counseling is not available, and its people are often just a phone call away.But if you are a family member that is helping a loved one fight addiction, finding communities of other family members may not be as obvious as it is for the person who is finding community in addiction support groups.  Here are a few ideas for where to go find the gift of community.Connect to online support groups. Social media can be a powerful tool to find others that are going through the same challenges you are, share your thoughts without judgment, and find strategies that help you move forward.  For me, I belong to several Facebook groups focused on loss of a loved one from overdose.  The stories I read are sad, but also reminders of how many of us are turning grief into purpose trying to make a difference in the lives of others.  All it takes on Facebook is to access groups, enter keywords to find groupa that you relate to the most and ask to join. Find a support community in Al-Anon or other organizations.  Most of us have heard of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, AA and NA, but did you know that the same organization has support groups for families who have a loved one battling addiction?  It’s called Al-Anon that uses the same 12-step philosophy to help families heal.  If 12-Step is not your thing, then there are many other ways to connect to family support groups.  If you just google “family support groups for addiction” you will get links to a number of support communities and likely find those who have meetings in your area.Find a non-profit focused group on family support.  As I mentioned earlier, I lost a daughter to overdose and found a non-profit called Compassionate Friends that focuses on helping families cope with loss.  SAMSHA, a government organization focused on substance abuse and mental health, has a national h

Give Yourself the Gift of Self-CareHow to keep yourself healthy, centered, balanced & connected when you struggle with an addicted loved oneThis will be my second Christmas without my daughter Laura who struggled for 15 years with addiction but lost her life to overdose on December 21, 2017, right before the holidays. In the two years since her death, I’ve taken care of myself in some ways, but not in others.   Battling addiction with a loved one or battling it as an addict takes a toll on you personally.There is the stress of not knowing what is going to happen next, the lack of sleep when you stay up through the night hoping to hear the door open and your loved one walk in, the constant anxiety.  If you don’t care for yourself, then your health and well-being will suffer. Self-care is complex, but it’s a gift that you should try and give yourself.  Don’t think of it as something selfish, but rather something necessary to stay strong.  Here are some thoughts for all of us who need to do more to care for ourselves with the gift of self-care.Set healthy boundaries.  When you are surrounding by addiction, you have to set physical, emotional and mental limits so that you avoid being manipulated, used or violated by the addicts in your life. Boundaries are simply guidelines that you express to others so that they know how you want to be treated and what happens when they cross those boundaries.  In my relationship with my daughter, some of the boundaries I set included what I needed her to contribute to the house while she was living there, how I needed to be communicated with respectfully, and the rules around any type of substance use around me or in my home. Take care of your body.  For me, taking care of my body was not on my “to do” list after my daughter died.  As a result, I gained weight, ate poorly, got very little sleep and just overall felt physically weak.  When you are fighting addiction yourself or on behalf of a loved one, you have to take care of your body.  Start by adding a healthy dose of exercise to your routine.  You don’t have to do cross-fit or run a marathon, but you can start by simply walking 30 minutes a day. Exercise releases those endorphins that make you feel better, relieves stress, and helps you connect with others if you engage in sports activities.Because sleep affects our mood, helps us keep a healthy weight and reduces stress, trying to keep a regular sleep pattern is important.  Start by recognizing what your sleep patterns are and where they are off balance.  Then change your routine to eat earlier, not watch TV as your go to sleep routine, and keep your room cool and quiet.  And finally, eating healthy has some very strong benefits.  If you are in recovery, then don’t replace drug use with a new bad habit of eating poorly like adding processed foods or sugars.  A good diet improves your mood and is a cornerstone of selfcare.Use mindfulness to reduce stress and increase a feeling of well-being.  Mindfulness is the practice of purposely focusing your attention on the present moment and accepting it without judgment. Being mindful makes it easier to appreciate the pleasures in life as they occur, helps you become fully engaged in activities, and creates a capacity to deal with the adverse events that has been coming your way.  And if you are struggling with addiction, there are quite a few zingers that you struggle with.   People who practice mindfulness find that they are less likely to obsess about what may happen to them in the future or have regrets over the past.  Mindfulness helps people become less preoccupied with success or concern themselves on how others might judge them.  There are many ways to practice mindfulness, but most often this is done with meditation,

The holidays can be a dreaded time of the year if someone you love is suffering or has lost their battle with the disease of addiction.  This will be my second Christmas without my daughter Laura who struggled for 15 years with addiction but lost her life to overdose on December 21, 2017, right before the holidays.  It’s hard to think about gift giving during this time of year, because the holidays may be filled with regret, grief, or stress.   This Audio Journal focuses on gifts, not for others on your list, but those that you should give to yourself.  Today’s episode is devoted to the gift of knowledge.I’ve talked to countless parents and family members who are struggling to make sense of their loved one’s substance misuse, crazy behavior, and personality change.  We often mistake addiction as a moral failing or a series of bad choices, failing to recognize that addiction is a chronic complex brain disease.  Now, let’s figure out how to unwrap the gift of knowledge so you are more prepared to deal with it.Start with understanding the science behind addiction.  Addiction is a brain disease and there is a scientific underpinning about how it manifests itself and progresses.  Let me take another brain disease that millions of us know about as an analogy, Alzheimer’s. There is a scientific and physical reason that people’s memories disappear.  It has to do with plaque coating the transmitters in the brain that allow one to process and act on information.   Once there is enough plaque build-up, signals can’t get through and memory fails.  People that have Alzheimer’s are not being difficult or frustrating’ their brain is misfiring.The human brain is wired to reward us when we do something pleasurable. Exercising, eating, and other pleasurable behaviors directly linked to our health and survival trigger the release of a neurotransmitter called dopamine that makes us feel good and encourages us to keep doing what we’re doing.  But the brain can also be rewired in harmful ways when it’s exposed to drugs. When someone takes a drug, their brain releases extreme amounts of dopamine causing the brain to overreact, reducing dopamine production in an attempt to normalize these sudden, sky-high levels the drugs have created. And this is how the cycle of addiction begins because the individual will seek those substances to get that dopamine rush.So that’s part of the science of addiction.  It’s the brain’s rewiring to overproduce dopamine levels that rise and crash, causing the person to seek more of the substance to level themselves out.  You next level of knowledge should be around the condition itself.  Addiction is not an acute disease that can be treated quickly and cured.  It’s a chronic condition that will last a lifetime and requires on-going maintenance and management.  When you treat diabetes, you can’t take insulin just once, feel better right away, then stop. You have to manage yourself with medication, diet and lifestyle change over a lifetime.  The same is true of addiction.People go to rehab to treat the acute symptoms and get stabilized.  They come out looking healthy, but it’s a mistake to believe that because their acute symptoms have been dealt with the person is cured.   Without the proper long-term plan, the chances are 85% that they will return to substance misuse in less than a year following rehab.  It’s important to know the difference in the characteristics of an acute vs. a chronic disease so you know that you must play the long game.That brings us to the next knowledge gift which is know how to manage the disease long-term.  This is the most complex part of the equation and requires the most knowledge and research.  It’s important that you understand that the recovery and disease management process have many compon

How to bring joy back into what can be a difficult time of year.The holidays are the most wonderful, but often the most dreadful time of the year if someone you love is suffering from or has lost their battle with the disease of addiction.  This will be my second Christmas without my daughter Laura who struggled for 15 years with addiction but lost her life to overdose on December 21, 2017, right before the holidays.  But even when Laura was with us, holidays were often stressful because I never knew what kind of tension and drama she might create for the family.For those of us who have been through the struggle our perfect holiday gift might be that of peace, tranquility, and for the person who we remembered before they developed the disease to be the one that shows up for the holidays.   For me, my perfect gift would be just one more moment to watch Laura unwrap her gifts, sit by the fire or laugh at the dinner table.  So, knowing that we likely get gifts that are well meaning, but not exactly what we wished for, here are some gifts that you can give yourself for the holidays that can last you throughout the year and hopefully for a lifetime.Give yourself the gift of knowledge.  I’ve talked to countless parents and family members who are struggling to make sense of their loved one’s substance misuse, crazy behavior, and personality change.  Yet, they have failed to research the disease of addiction, understand how it progresses, learn how it changes the brain, and what it takes to treat it.    You would never think to fight cancer without going online, understanding the symptoms and how the disease progresses, checking out treatment options and learning how to beat it.  The same applies with the disease of addiction.  Give yourself the gift of knowledge so you can understand it, have a strategy to respond and know what to do to fight the disease. Open up the gift of forgiveness. It’s not your fault.  I repeat, it’s not your fault.  Because I’m empowered with an understanding of the disease, I don’t blame myself for my daughter’s death or her 15-year struggle.  And I’ve forgiven myself for any wrong decisions I made along the way when we were in the middle of the fight.  Addiction is complex and often the decisions the person afflicted makes are irrational and confusing.   Until that person decides to get healthy and manage the disease, you don’t really have the power to cure it for them.   If a diabetic eats cake, fails to take their insulin and doesn’t follow the doctor’s instructions, do you blame yourself if they get sicker?   The same is true with addictionUnwrap the gift of self-care. It’s super hard battling the disease and believe me the fight takes a toll on you personally.  There is the stress of not knowing what is going to happen next, the lack of sleep when you stay up through the night hoping to hear the door open and your loved one walk in. There’s constant anxiety.  If you don’t care for yourself, then your health and wellbeing will suffer. Self-care is complex, but may involve a health and wellness routine, mindfulness & meditation, counseling, or connecting with friends and doing something fun. Look for the gift of community. Going this alone is never a good idea.  You need help and support around you to give you perspective, a sanity check, relief, and acceptance.  There are many communities you can connect to, but for me, I turned first to my close friends and family who watched Laura grow up, saw how I parented, and didn’t judge my parenting skills.  Then, it was going to a community of other parents who had put their children into treatment and who were going through a shared experience with me.  I relied on Al-Anon to gain perspective on the disease of addiction and our role in the process o

How to avoid mistakes that put your parenting game at risk. This Audio Journal series focuses on what it takes to coach your family through the Opioid Crisis with the right game plan, a playbook, an understanding of your opponent and help from your “assistants” when it’s called for.  This episode will focus on how to avoid unforced errors that put your parenting game at risk.I watched Auburn and Alabama slug it out in the Iron Bowl with three touchdowns coming from errors made by both teams.  Unforced errors can make the difference between a win and a blowout.  Think about all the games that have been won or lost based on turnovers, missed assignments, dropped passes, or interceptions.   Often these unforced errors result when players or coaches don’t stick to the game plan, are unprepared or just not paying attention. There are number of unforced errors that parents make that are critical mistakes leading to big problems when it comes to drugs and alcohol.  Let’s look at those mistakes and ways to avoid them.The first unforced error is chalking up your child’s troubling behavior to growing pains or just being a teenager.   You’ve been living with your child for years, watching how they behave, perform in school, and if they comply with the rules. But then all of a sudden, things start to change.  They start to get defiant and disrespectful.  They have huge mood swings.  They begin to hide out in their room and keep you away from their friends and what they are up to.  They dress differently and their friend group has changed.  Are these signs of teenage growing pains?  Maybe, but if your child’s actions start to disrupt your family life, cause you to be suspicious and distrustful, or cause them to underperform in school or in their favorite sports team, look deeper and get an outside opinion to see if you have a bigger issue than that of just being a teenager. Another unforced error is to fail to secure items in your house that your child should not have access to.  If you drink and have bottles of alcohol lying around, it’s time to lock up your wine and your liquor cabinet.  Substance misuse often begins by sneaking alcohol from your supply and refilling your bottles with water.  If you have unused prescriptions from a doctor or dentist’s visit or a stay in the hospital, safely dispose of those expired medications or lock them up.  You don’t want to be your child’s drug dealer.  And unfortunately for some families, you need to stop leaving cash or valuables lying around.  This was one of my unforced errors and my daughter Laura took leftover Vicodin, raided my wine cellar and took money out of my wallet.  I left my car keys on a rack by the door, enabling her to sneak out at night, take the car and meet up with people she shouldn’t have been with.And what about the error of trying to be the cool parent.  I’ve talked to many parents who believe that it is inevitable that their teenagers are going to drink or smoke pot, so why not keep them safer by having them experiment with those things at home.  Big mistake.  Exposing the teenage brain to substances while it is still developing is a sure-fire way to risk your child may be the 1 in 10 that will develop the disease of addiction. It’s important that you understand the science behind adolescent brain development and what substances do to short circuit the normal brain development process.   My daughter began using drugs at age 14, developed the disease of addiction, and fought it for 15 years.  Her brain development stopped about that age making it much harder for her to become a functional adult.And what kind of signal are you sending to your child when you allow them to break the law by using alcohol before they legally are allowed to so or to smoke po

The “When”, “Who” and “How” to get help for a struggling teen.This Audio Journal series focuses on what it takes to coach your family through the Opioid Crisis with the right game plan, a playbook, an understanding of your opponent and help from your “assistants” when it’s called for.  This episode will focus on why you need a good staff around you because no game is winnable if you are the only coach calling the plays.Football coaches know that they don’t have all of the answers.  That’s why they rely on their assistants. Nick Saban of Alabama has hired the best assistant coaches, relies on their advice, and lets them take the lead in their area of expertise. Managing your child when he is oppositional, defiant, losing ground at school, and using drugs that can cause overdose at any minute is not something parents should try and manage without help.   There are plenty of good assistants out there to help parents adjust their strategy, send in better plays to protect their children, and know when the game plan that they have is just not working.  This all seems logical, but parents often fail to know the when, the who and the how to ask for help.  Let’s focus on “the when”.  I would seriously doubt that a football coach waits to consult his assistants after the game gets out of hand.  They ask for advice early and often.  But the same is not true of parents when their child is in trouble.  That’s because parents are often ashamed, traumatized or confused.  It’s never a good idea to wait to ask for help.  When you see your child’s grades drop, their behavior change, or just are worried that things are not right, ask for insight, advice, or help right away.  Waiting can have deadly consequences allowing adolescents to keep using drugs, engage in dangerous behaviors and sometimes lose their lives to overdose.And what about your “pre-game strategy”.  You should avail yourself of the help, strategy and advice of others to learn how you should prevent substance misuse and go on the offense before you have to play the much harder game of defense when your child is already in trouble.  You may want to take a look at one of InterAct LifeLine’s portals called Rethink the Family.com (http://rethinkthefamily.com) where there is an abundance of education about the disease, how to talk to kids, and prevention strategies you can use.Now, let’s explore “the who”.   There are so many people out there that parents already know who can be helpful.  All you have to do is ask.  Let’s start with people at your child’s school.  Teachers have their ear to the ground, know when kids are falling behind, and may see behavioral issues before you do.  I started my career as a middle school teacher and believe me, I knew what was going on. Get to school, schedule a conference with teachers and invite the guidance counselors to join.  If they don’t know all the answers, they will now have their radar up and can be on high alert on your behalf.Then think about your neighbors and friends, particularly those who have kids the same age as yours.  My friends and neighbors were the first to alert me that I had a problem with my daughter Laura.  Their kids were telling them what they were seeing her do at school and the bad crowd that Laura was hanging out with.  Fortunately, I didn’t have to ask for their help; they offered it, but it taught me a lesson that sometimes your best allies are those closest to you.And then there are times when you need professional help.  Consider engaging the services of an adolescent therapist that is trained in substance misuse and addiction.  Think about having a full psycho-educational assessment to understand the issues driving behavior as well as any learning differences that

Why a Focus on Prevention is so Critical If you listened to the last Audio Journal, we focused on what it takes to coach your family through the Opioid Crisis with a game plan, a playbook, an understanding of your opponent and help from your “assistants” when it’s called for.  This episode will focus on what every successful college football coach knows and understand, that it’s much easier to play offense vs. always be on the defensive.Football coaches don’t start preparing during the game; they start way in advance by scouting the competition, evaluating their players, understanding what plays produce results and just committing the time to do their homework.  Your child may or may not ever use drugs or get addicted, but the reality is that 1 in 10 high schoolers will develop the disease of addiction before they even leave high schoool and that child may be yours.  We’re going to start the Parent Playbook by understanding how you can play offense before you have to play the much more difficult game of defense. Playing offense in the game against substance abuse begins with a good prevention strategy.  It’s hard for parents to get motivated to execute a prevention strategy when their child is a good student, a girl scout, an athlete and an all-around good kid.  All of those things applied to my daughter until she started using drugs at age 14, became addicted and was in for the fight of her life, only to overdose and die after a 15-year struggle.  I never played offense, so I spent 15 years playing the tougher game, defense. Here’s how to execute a good offensive prevention strategy. Start your game strategy by understanding the risk factors.  The disease of addiction runs in families so understand if it’s present in yours, your spouse’s or your extended family.  Developing the disease requires a genetic link that kicks off the propensity of one’s brain to respond in overdrive in the presence of drugs and alcohol.  Children that find it difficult to regulate their emotions, who have been bullied, who have had learning differences are all at higher risk.  And think about children who have experienced other changes or difficulties they struggle with like managing through a divorce, a move to a new neighborhood or school, enduring stressful situations or trauma. They are statistically at much higher risk than other kids, so evaluate if this applies to your family.   InterAct LifeLine has been collecting great content and education and making it available in online portals to help parents understand the risk of addiction so they can be better prepared. All you have to do is visit rethinkthefamily.com and there is great information waiting for you.Next, talk to your kids and educate them about the risks.  Executing an offensive strategy is most successful when you prepare your team to understand the game they are playing. Start early and have conversations about substances in an age-appropriate way.  Kids learn science in school, so give them a science lesson on what might happen to the brain when they drink or do drugs.  Help them know what drugs are out there and what they need to do to avoid them.   In addition to helping parents understand the risk of addiction, InterAct also gives you the help you need to use the right words to begin the conversation with your kids at any age.Consider proactively and randomly drug testing your middle or high schoolers. Don’t think of drug testing as a punishment, but rather as a gift.  Your kids can now blame their crazy parents when they choose to turn down the chance to smoke pot or take pills because they can tell their friends they are being drug tested and are sure to be caught.  Drug tests can be bought at any drug store and are cheap and easy to use.  Your child may try and fool the s

Know the facts to help you make good decisionsThis Audio Journal series focuses on what it takes to coach your family through the Opioid Crisis with the right game plan, a parent playbook, an understanding of your opponent and help from your “assistants” when it’s called for.  This episode will focus on the value of analyzing the data to understand the facts so you can make the right play calls.Nick Saban at Alabama implemented a GPS tracking system to monitor his player’s activity in practice so he could better predict if his team’s practice strategy wore his players out or kept them ready to go, particularly in post-season play.  He relied on data as much as his experience and instincts to create the right practice plan. Unfortunately, technology was not there when my daughter Laura started going off the rails in high school, using drugs, and engaging in very risky behavior. So, what type of systems, data, and facts do you need to have at your disposal to make better decisions on behalf of your child to protect them?Answer the question that is most critical. Is my child using drugs?  I’ve talked to quite a few parents who think their kids are in trouble, caught them drinking or smoking pot, and suspect they are doing more. But they’ve never drug tested them to confirm what they suspect.  A drug test may show that they did indeed smoke pot or a breathalyzer can confirm how much alcohol they have been drinking.  So, if that data comes back confirming what you suspect don’t hesitate to ground your kid, let them know that more testing is likely, take their car keys away and make sure they get and understand why this is a big deal.However, your decisions as a parent might be entirely different if the test reveals that they are doing something more dangerous like testing positive for cocaine, meth, opioids or heroin.  You may need to go above and beyond grounding them and taking their car.  The bottom line is that you need to know the facts to make intelligent decisions.Drug testing kits are inexpensive, easy to find at any local drug store or online, and easy to use.  Just follow some simple guidelines.  Make them random.  Research the potential countermeasures your kid may use to fool the test.  And most importantly, never apologize for using a test that could save their life and give you the data you need. Monitor how your child is connecting with others electronically.  Cell phones and laptops are now common tools that most middle and high schoolers use obsessively.  When they are used appropriately, they allow parents to stay in touch with your kids and allow kids to learn more about the world around them.  But those same tools can also be a way for kids to get into trouble.  My daughter used her phone to coordinate sneaking out in the middle of the night to smoke pot on the golf course, connect with high-school seniors who were selling her vodka she used during school and later with her drug dealers.So, let’s get the facts when it comes to understanding if your kids’ electronics are an asset or a liability.  Cell phone have parental controls so you can disable them at night.  You can install software to monitor texting.   The same applies to tablets and laptops.  Don’t hesitate to use software to monitor keystrokes so you can know what your kids search for, who they message, and what they are posting on social media.  And don’t forget to disable or take away the laptop before you go to bed because it’s also an engine to message their friends.Verify that your kid is where they say they are.  When my daughter Laura was in high school, she let me drop her off at school only to leave through the back door.  She had me take her to sports practice only to leave with a friend.  She told me that she was at dad’s house