If you’re looking for a super intense and suspenseful Christmas thriller, Silent Night Fatal Night is NOT IT. Featuring the dullest female protagonist to ever disgrace our screens, the most incompetent sheriff in law enforcement history, and a kidnapping that a lot of people would consider a luxurious vacation, Lifetime’s latest holiday movie fails to convince us that anyone is in danger of dying here (except perhaps from boredom). A reimagining of Stephen King’s Misery gone horribly wrong, there was only one fatality this night, and it was our dignity.

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