90 DAY FIANCE

ZIED AND REBECCA

They’re in a hookah bar and someone starts staring at her because she took off her jacket. Rebecca is reminded of ex boyfriend because Zied got angry at strangers. So, they argue, it gets calmed down, and they all continue sitting next to each other… 

Her eye make up is WILD. It’s jet black. 

Interview: “I worry that the secrets I’m keeping in my past might push him over the edge.” Ugh these people and their secrets

DARCEY AND TOM

I am obsessssed with Darcey. I am obsessed with: her beauty products, her outfits, her brand names, her desperation, her eyelashes, her anxiety… 

Darcey is reeling from Tom saying that he recently stopped ‘seeing several women’ for her. Umm Tom is a liar. 

Darcey at the top of the stairs sees Tom “Oh look it’s like you’re waiting at the alter.” OMG SHE’S SO EMBARRASSINGGGG

Darcey talks about her sister who is going to Albania to see HER fiance. They are sisters in stupidity. And yet, Darcey wants to change vacation plans to Albania to join her sister. She says it’s basically so Darcey can confirm that she and Tom are a good match. 

Darcey suggests to tom they go to Albania. Tom does not want to change his plans. Yeah no duh!!!! Darcey says Albania is “nice and… mediterranean-ish.” Darcey just wants people’s approval, not the actual experiences and connection. 

Darcey: Stacy and I want our guys to meet. I just want her to know I’m happy. OMG this is soooo toxic. Tom agrees.

Darcey and Tom suit up for cricket. They walk down the pitch. Darcey: It’s like walking down the aisle. Tom: You never quit about the wedding thing, do you? 

Darcey puts on the cricket pads and they play the best awkward music. 

Tom hits a wicket. Darcey calls them midgets. Tom awkwardly falls over. 

Tom tells her they’re called wickets. Darcey: Sounds like a sex term. Tom: You turn everything into a sex term. Darcey: Are we just going to cuddle forever? Tom chokes on his water. 

Darcey has an interview look where she’s wearing a black sparkly dress. Her eyes are JET BLACK.

Darcey in interview: I’m starting to feel insecure. Maybe I should pull back emotionally. 

YES DARCEY IN EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE YOU NEED TO PULL BACK EMOTIONALLY. 

ACT TWO

AKINYI AND BENJAMIN

We need to talk about this guy’s hair. It’s not like his just happens to be greasy. It looks intentionally greasy and then split down the middle. WHY?! Just WASH IT!!! It would look so much better!! It’s willfully greasy! 

Ben has just landed in Nairobi, Kenya. Ben says “You’re my dark chocolate.” Fantastic. 

AKINYI: “There’s something I haven’t told Benjamin yet.” UGHHHH HERE WE GO. Oh, she tells him immediately. That’s good. Oh they’re just going to his brother’s place. Big deal. 

It’s so odd that she’s whisking him away to her brother’s like he’s being kidnapped. I do feel bad for him… this is a bit of an ambush. 

OMAR AND AVERY

I died when Avery said her fiance is from Syria but they can’t go to Aleppo because it’s basically levelled. It’s not funny but it’s such an insane sentence. 

Avery tell us when she woke up she found out Omar let her down. He didn’t find them a sheikh to get them married or a venue. Omar is like…. It’s the weekend. 

They have to get married so that Avery can go home and apply for Omar’s visa. She also hasn’t told her mom that she’s moving to Syria after they get married. I’m just not sure what there will be to do for Avery in Syria. 

Avery is making a huuuuge mistake complaining to her mom about Omar. Now when they make up she will hold it against him even more forever. 

Avery’s mom offers to help her find a venue. That’s really sweet. 

ACT THREE

ANGELA

Look… I’m not spending a lot of time on her. Why is she back? They’re story feels so fake. 

Angela shows her daughter SKYLA all of her sex toys for Michael. 

Angela gets on a plane. The difference between how Angela looks on a plane vs Darcey… 

TIM AND JENNIFER

Tim creeps me out. His proportions are unsettling. Jennifer is a bit of a lunatic, yelling in front of her daughter. 

They get to his apartment. 

Tim gives Jennifer her gifts. This visual explains the essence of what Jennifer is in this for. 

They go to dinner… 

Jennifer likes his style. Tim asks if it’s too feminine for her? She says no.. then Jennifer tells us he’s not her type, but he’s a family man. You can’t find a family man in Colombia?! 

Tim reveals his manicure. Jennifer calls him a pussy. Here’s the thing… it’s great that Tim has a manicure, do whatever you want, but that excess of gloss is a bit much, no? 

CAESAR

His title card is just him alone. Caesar is taking video of Cancun for Maria, who is invisible. 

Caesar reminds us that he’s been catfishing her for 5 years.

Caesar’s bag has arrived. His ring for Maria is supposed to be in there. 

My favorite side character in Caesar’s story is his producer, whose questions all have the subtext of… sooo you really think she’s real, huh? 

Caesar texts Maria and sees that she just checked her messages a minute ago. So he calls her. She doesn’t pick up… “Maybe hse’s getting on the plane.” Mannnn he has a theory for everything!! 

Caesar swims up to a family and starts talking about Maria. He shows them Maria’s picture. The punk kids ask if he’s being catfished and laugh super hard. 

OMAR AND AVERY

Avery is literally dragging Omar up the street to find someone to marry them. 

Omar approaches the sheikh who is wearing a sweatshirt that says ATHLETE on it. 

Avery’s mother has to cover up, says it’s uncomfortable, and says “Avery hasn’t been muslim in the summer yet so we’ll see.” 

Of all the secrets, Avery’s is the meanest. Her mom is going out of her way to help her, and she’s going to be like oh btw moving to Syria byeeee. 

MICHAEL

Michael tells his co workers that he quit his job because Angela wants to know where he is at all times, so he sends her money. That’s so weird… 

TIMOTHY AND JENNIFER

After dinner, Timothy asks Jennifer to stay. 

Jennifer puts on her pajamas and comes out. Timothy says of course he wants to have sex with her but he’s scared of her. In his defense, the cameras are there… how is he supposed to put the moves on her. 

Timothy wants to do eye masks. He hands her wipes to take off her makeup. 

Tim: “Come on cuddle with me.” She turns over to her side. 

OMAR AND AVERY

Avery asks Omar if he plans on her moving to Syria. He said he hopes so. Omar explains that power and water are cut off all the time. 

Avery says she can handle it if Omar can. Now they have to tell her mom. 

AKINYI AND BENJAMIN

They walk in to the apartment and Benjamin meets a bunch of sisters and in laws. 

Akinyi puts a bracelet on Benjamin. She asks for her gift. Sooo uncomfortable. Well he bought a plane ticket and and an air b n b that presumably you would stay at tool. So, you’ll live. 

DARCEY AND TOM

Darcey says that Tom agreed to change the plans to go to Albania, but at the same time someting is off. THAT! THat’s what it is! 

Tom has finally had it with Darcey being over the top. He says it feels false. Darcey is shocked. This is his version of flipping out and being like ENOUGH. 

Also she’s crying. Tom doesn’t know why she needs to ask the question about how he feels if he’s been doing all of these nice things for her. It’s a classic case of expressing love differently. She needs words, he’s more of an action guy. 

Tom makes a joke and easens the tension. Then Darcey makes a comment about how his pajamas always stay on. They start feeding each other. Tom eats cheesecake off her finger and she immediately sucks on her own finger. 

ZIED AND REBECCA

Zied combing his weird long hair is amazing. 

They make peace over the night before. They head out to meet his parents. 

Zied says Pyorple instead of people. 

I LOVE that Rebecca has to drive him everywhere. He basically ordered a Lyft driver from overseas. 

Zied wants her to hide her tattoos. She’s worried that his family doesn’t know anything about her. 

Next week… Jennifer throws something very milky onto Tim. 

ANGELA AND MICHAEL

Angela lands in Nigeria, they’re excited to see each other.

Next week, will caesar finally meet maria? 

Darcy Tom

Avery Omar

Tim and Jennifer

Ceasar

Zied and Rebecca

Akenyi and benjamin

Angela and Michael