TRIBUTE TO KENYA MOORE

Good news everyone, Kenya Moore is back!! 

Opening montage 

Shep is like Baloo guiding mowgli. Lost, passed out half the time. 

ELIZA 

Eliza works at a hotel. They seem to do everything on paper… do they have computers? 

Eliza’s mother who is consumed by her turtleneck, criticizes eliza’s hair clip. No no, I don’t need another Dale!! 

Eliza is hosting a fox hunt

Eliza’s boyfriend is 14 years older but he doesnt seem that bad? Also this story is way more interesting than anything else… daughter of rich parents, her dad is a gross perv, she wants to marry someone she loves and not some super rich person. 

Cameron fills Naomi in that Craig feels like they didnt have closure. 

Intercut with Shep and Craig catching up about the party, as Craig and Shep stare into the sun. 

Shep says Craig and Naomie should be able to look back on their relationship with reverence. Can anyone do that…? Is Shep delusional? Most ex’s don’t do that. 

Kathryn shows up for bar method with Austen and Chelsea. 

Austen shows up and says Namaste yall. People are so fucking stupid. 

Austen is suffering during the stretching. He is made of beer. He is a human glass of beer. 

Is Kathryn working out in a pink cardigan? Kathryn seems like a cold girlfriend. 

They finish and discuss craig’s meltdown at the party. Austen said they continued like nothing ever happened. Austen said women hold on to fights, guys have memories of a goldfish. No. Craig was doing theatrics for the camera and was never really mad. 

Chelsea brings up skeet shooting at Eliza’s. Chelsea wonders if Ashley will show up at Eliza’s since they’re friends? Somehow Kathryn won’t be there because she has her brother’s wedding. 

ELIZA CALLS ASHLEY IN THE CAR

Ashley’s voice is so weird and smooth. It’s so lifelike even though she’s not in the scene. 

Ashley tells Eliza they broke up. If they’re friends wouldnt she know? Ashley says tehy broke up ebcause of the allegations and Thomas couldnt play polo in california, and that’s what made it so hard for them. Eliza says she wants Ashley to come make peace. This makes me like Eliza waaaay less. Ashley is the kind of dark and negative that shouldn’t be given a spot on TV. She is deeply unhinged. 

Eliza is the Stephanie Pratt of this show. She’s young, beautiful, totally innocent, but also does really dumb things but then wonders why her life the way it is. 

Cameron walks in and asks for a table for three. I remember shooting this show called Styl’d for MTV and they needed someone to stand in as a host at the restaurant, and I volunteered to do it but it was so uncomfortable and I froze up. You wouldnt think you would, but I had no idea what to say. 

What I love about southern charm is they always order REAL food. Fried food, Nachos, beer… 

Shep tells Cameron that Craig is totally over Naomie. Craig will say anything to anyone… that makes him a not interesting character, not to mention a total weirdo. 

Naomie arrives, orders a corona light, and a corn bisque, and a fried goat cheese salad with shrimp. Get it Naomie. Cameron WOLFS down food. Every moment she’s free she just goes to town and its kind of hilarious. 

Cameron wants Naomie to come to Colorado. Shep insists that Craig knows it’s over. Shep said Craig said “I’m happy for her.” and Shep thinks that’s big. It’s not… Naomie says Metul would be uncomfortable if Naomie went on the trip. Cameron says: You can’t start your relationship with parameters… WHAT?! Going on a trip with her ex who is unhinged?! These are not unhealthy parameters! It’s not even a parameter, it’s her boyfriend being uncomfortable with him going with her ex. And by the way cameron,  your husband isn’t even on the show. I dont know how that is related but it annoys me so much, so it is. 

CRAIG AUSTEN MEET UP AT PATRICIA’S

Whitney is such a misfit in this group with his stupid glasses and his pretentious outfits. He’s like 75 years old. He’s like a prodcer that’s lingering in the shot. Lets take a moment and red some of the review of Whitney’s movie on halston: 

In sartorial terms, the fabric is to die for, but helmer Whitney Sudler-Smith's docu follows a banal pattern, while the finishing lacks finesse. ---VARIETY MAGAZINE. JUST today and episode was on where Whitney wanted to open a bar in season 1 and Pat called it Banal. WAs she citing this article?? 

It's unfortunate that director Whitney Sudler-Smith seems to have spent more time on his own hair than his interview prep.  --NEW YORK POST

[It's directed by] an unknown amateur named Whitney Sudler-Smith who looks a bit like Julian Assange and seems almost surprised to be making a film at all. THE INDEPENDENT

Halston's name is in the title, but the faintly irritating Ultrasuede isn't necessarily about the fashion designer. It's about director Whitney Sudler-Smith

I want to believe that Whitney Sudler-Smith, the director and camera-hogging "presenter" of Ultrasuede: In Search Of Halston, is some kind of Bruno-like parody of a fashion victim. He's too gloriously, self- importantly inept to be real, surely?  The TIMES UK

A ghastly vanity affair for one Whitney Smith, the son of a socialite who, despite minimal credits to his name, feels entitled to make Halston's story his own. --village voice

35% ROTTEN TOMATOES 

Austen calls Craig an irish witch. Craig says he’s dutch… 

Old man tells someone working the party: don’t worry about the robins they’re just a harbinger of spring. 

Eliza has an issue with the texture of beans? I’ve never heard of this. 

Eliza tells us that the house used to belong to her grandmother’s ancestor. The original house burned down, and then very defensively she goes, “Not because of Sherman.” I feel like that’s how they all talk down there. My house burned down… but not because of any yankee soldja!!! Twas a candle that burnt my house down! 

Eliza talks about how the hosue was rebuilt… she tells this story in such an odd way as if she just learned it while filming the interivew. 

Naomie and Chelsea arrive. Naomie innocently says, “I always like to imagine what happened here like 200 years ago at this moment.. Ya know???” a friend says “Probably not good shit.” The awkwardness of these plantation parties mixed with super upbeat music as if we wouldn’t make the connection… this is the dark underbelly of southern charm. 

This girl MAdison who owns Gwynns where KAtherine gets all her horrible clothes… she is impossibly orange. 

Shep’s hat is HORRIBLE. 

The boys arrive. Whitney says ‘hey baby doll…” ugh. 

Skeet shooting makes me so much more comfortable than fox hunting or hunting for birds. Austen can’t shoot. Chelsea says, “That’s so disappointing.” I feel like their relationship was just her being like, You’re just not man enough. 

Cam takes craig aside and reminds him about how he was behaving at the oyster roast. Why is craig so tired? Why is he so mumbly? Does he smile ever? Naomie walks up and asks if he wants to talk. IT’S SO AWKWARD. 

Craig says he would hate if she missed the ski trip because of him. Naomie said it would be a slap in the face to Metul if she went, and she heard Craig is not over her. Craig said they didnt have normal closure and they just walked away one day. Flashback to Naomie and her old nose just walking away. 

Craig admits he is depressed and he’s trying to get his mind off stuff. FINALLY things are coming together. Craig admits he doesn’t know how to move on. Flashback to Craig giving Naomie a ring and saying it’s a token of the fact that he wants to be with her ‘fowever.’ ugh. 

Craig says he’s really happy for her even though he looks SO annoyed to say it. Aomie says it’s nice talking to him as a normal person. Craig’s face is like ‘so there’s a chance..’ 

Chelsea asks what time Ashley is coming. Eliza says teh christian thing to do is make peace. 

Ashley arrives. The girls do a big fake scream which is weird. Ashley anxiously catches up with Shep. Everyone is fake talking. Also, Eliza, get up and greet her! She’s just making her walk towards everyone. Chelsea watches and goes: This is great. 

Flashback of Danni going toe to toe with Ashley, and Ashley just goes enabler enabler repeatedly. Shep asks Ashley if she’s still with thomas, she goes: just dive right into it, geez! That was the worst year of my life. Maybe i need a cocktail first hahaha! ...no i’m not with him. 

Naomie asks Austen to get a drink because she’s scared. Austen says I am too! I love that Naomie is deeply afraid of her because she’s never afraid of anyone. 

Whitney confronts her about what she said about Pat. Ashley said she’s almost 80. You’d think she would know better. Whitney CANNOT handle himself. He turns to Shep’s cousin who makes an awkward face and waits for him to respond. 

Eliza is literally just watching the two of them arguing. Shep says Eliza is to blame for her being here. Ashley approaches danni and nuzzles up against her. Dannis surprised. Ashley just wants to be friendly. This overly tan friend looks like Luann’s daughter Victoria. 

Ashley: I never want to hurt anyone. I never want to be hurt. I’m a nurse but… I need to empathize more. 

Madison: But.. in social media you’re still talking shit about her. Ashley: Well… I don’t really wanna get into that madison. So, I’m just gonna just say, just keep your mouth shut. Ashley immediately denies that she said shut your mouth. 

Ashley leaves to get a drink and says thanks for talking with me. This is going well.. 

Ashley comes and sits next to Chelsea and says, I’ll just come say hi to you guys. They’re shocked. Ashley pleasantly says, I’ve just never gotten a chance to see Charleston alone! Cameron: Why did you tweet the other week that we were all losers? 

I love this barrage of flashes to tweets as people bring them up one by one. 

Shep: There’s shit doing down over there. Craig: Of course Austen is with the girls. Oh shut up craig! You can’t be so judgey when you SEW!!! Also Austen is getting more camera time so joke son you

Ashley says that Pat purposely used her to get back at Kathryn. THIS i believe. I dont trust pat as far as i can throw her. 

Eliza is an idiot. There is no way Ashley doesn’t like this day to day. 

Ashley wishes things could’ve been different because she wonders how different their friendships could’ve been. She means being on the show. Austen interjects that he doesn’t buy any of it. 

Ashley: I wanted to make it right with you naomie. Naomie: but instead you called me a bitch! Ashley: yeah but was i kidding?? Naomie: ...NO!!! 

Ashley said you know i tried.. What else can I do. End. 

Next week, Whitney and KAthryn rumor. Still don’t think it happened. I think they agreed to make that a story and then he went back on it. 

Craig calls out whitney for bitching. Chelsea asks if Craig is drunk. 

On the bus, she tells Craig to check his pants for a vagina because he’s being a pussy. That’s a bad look on chelsea.