When you’re doing hard things like fostering, developing a healthy mindset is everything.We’re talking about developing a mindset that will best serve you in your marriage and when you’re fostering.Understanding how we think is vitally important because our behavior, decisions, reactions and emotions all come from itPersonality styles play a huge part in our mindset and our characterSome key mindset and character traits that have served us well. Now before we get into these, we’ve failed at every single one of these. These are things to focus on, practice and have as goals. SurrenderDefinition - Process of submitting to someone or a circumstance and being detached from desired outcomesWhat holds us back? Wanting control of people or outcomes/situations/expectationsWhat it looks like in practiceAcknowledging the outcomes/expectations that you desire (especially strongly) and that you don’t have control overThis is a mindset practice not a checking of the box thingAnd it’s some of the hardest things we can face when we know it’s causing pain or problems to your child or familyBut in it, there’s great opportunities to grow into a more surrendered and trusting person of God and practicing relinquishing controlExamples:A. bio parents’ influence or behavior that drags stuff outB. pursuing adoption in a circumstance like COVID delaying thingsC. Not having control over mandates like visits, phone calls, etc. that seem to make things worseD. Where kids go to schoolE. Vaccinations F. A process taking a long long long timeG. Surrendering to hard circumstances such as a child’s behaviorGenerosityDefinition - the quality of being kind and generous.What holds us back?Our own selfishnessTime/ effort/ my own desires/ my picture of what my life is supposed to look likeFearFear of getting attachedFear of the unknownFear of failure/ messing someone up/ messing up own familyDisappointing others (family members) because it’s not what they want for you.ControlFear-based control of outcomes and feeling out of control when you can’tStaying in control of your life/your pictureWhat it looks like in practiceAcknowledging your specific struggles and working/processing through themRealizing these are personal struggles and choosing to not let them hold you backFear hates information. Get more and more information from experts and people who’ve done it so you get smarter about stuff Focusing on the need of children, the impact you’re having and finding joy in your generosity Trust in GodDefinition - believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.What holds us back?ControlFearWeak faithLack of practicing your faith in the context of doing something hardNot knowing God well enoughYour upbringing and experiences with your parents What it looks like in practiceAcknowledging what’s holding back from walking in faith and making a different choiceBeing okay with not seeing what’s in front of usHow many times have we seen God move and we forget?Journal your God moments to build your faithConclusionYour best decisions come from your best thinking and the more you practice, the better decisions you’ll make even in the hardest circumstances. Join us next month for part 2 of Developing a fostering mindset. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering marriages find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering...

On this episode, we’re talking about when you feel like a failure as a foster parent and how to manage through that. Foster marriages opened their heart and home to helping out children in need, had good intentions, perhaps a lot of expectations of how everything would go, and now reality is setting in and you’re not handling things well at allTypes of situations when foster parents often feel like a failure:Responses to behaviorFeeling a lack of bond and blaming yourselfFeeling like a failure to your bio-kidsFeeling like a failure in your marriage and you don’t have anything left to giveFeeling like they’re failing God or as a ChristianWhat’s happening at a deeper levelImportance of understanding your "Root System"Thinking/Lies and emotions of fear, guilt and shame, and stressWhy personality styles happenThe risks of not managing yourself well:Living in the guilt/shame and stress of it and constantly either feeling out of control or becoming very submissiveBeating yourself up / negative self talkFeeling out of control and reacting to everyone that waySeeking worth in other ways or in very unhealthy waysLots of conflict in your marriage that creates disunityLiving in disappointment with each otherHow to move forward - both immediate and longer term solutionsRecalibrating expectationsOf yourselfOf each otherOf your childTaking thoughts captive (this is a practice that’s long-term though)Discussing struggles with each otherIf that’s uncomfortable, start with little things so you practice becoming more vulnerableResponding well to each otherHolding each other accountable and offering helpSeeking helpMore training/knowledgeBabysitters/respiteCounselingFailure is inevitable. It’s how we respond that is most important. If you enjoy this podcast, rate and review it wherever you listen. It helps other fostering families find it. And follow us on Facebook at Fostering Marriage. 

Deciding if you should foster is a life-changing decision for everyone involved. We give our best advice on how to communicate about it especially when you’re not on the same page. Communicating about this can be a big struggle for couplesMassive issue and perhaps it comes out of nowhere and catches 1 spouse off guardIt's emotionalIt can trigger someone into fear/self-protection. How the initiator of the conversations can lean in the direction of their spouseWhat does that communication requireHow you can lean in each other's directionRemember the marriage is most important and focus on team unityShare your desire, etc. Don’t hold back on detailGain perspective from your spouseKeep asking questions to understandDon’t bully, over question or pressure especially in the first good conversation about itManage your emotions especially if your spouse remains reluctantDon’t pesterDon’t guiltDon’t manipulateDon’t try to control the outcomeBe graceful and respectful of your spouse’s fears and concernsBe willing to give them time to process because this is a HUGE thingPrayerHow the hesitant spouse lean in the direction of their spouse(We’re not saying you should ultimately foster, we want to give you the tools to have better conversations about it.)Remember the marriage is most important and focus on team unityGain perspective on why and ask other questions you want information onValidate your spouse’s emotions and desires and how important this is to themManage your own emotionsDon’t let fears shut you down from communicatingDon’t shut your spouse downAcknowledge (and this is a super difficult one) selfishnessDon’t just shut down the conversationBe vulnerable and share your concerns and fearsPractice letting your spouse question you on those but this requires massive vulnerability because you may get to root objections that don’t sound good or make you look badPrayerWhat to do if you’re still not on the same pagePrayerKeep the conversation going….even if years go by and is necessaryWe share a personal story about how we navigated deciding to foster....which was NOT to foster. But we ended up doing it anyways.

In this episode, we’re in part 2 of discussing the importance of understanding personality styles through the lens of DISC. High S(S) Stabilizing, Amiable, Democratic, PatientWhere they’re gifted:Caring deeply for othersSteady and stablePredictable FriendlySympathetic and understandingGreat listenersPatientVery loyalWeaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:Becomes disabled by conflictHates changeStruggles saying "no"Internalizes concernsStruggles establishing prioritiesPuts others' needs before their ownOverly sensitive to criticismControls environment through procrastinationHigh C(C) Cautious, Analytical, Detail Oriented, SystematicWhere they’re gifted:Ability to analyze what works and what doesn'tAccurate and preciseConscientious Detail-orientedAble to set realistic estimatesHave high standardsVery thoroughWeaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:Struggles with change and conflictTend to have a negative critical eyeMay appear harsh and uncaringWill overstep boundaries when clear direction isn't givenControls environment with factsConclusionAgain, we all send and receive information differently but we do so much better when we learn to lean in the direction of each other’s styles.

On this episode, we’re talking about the importance of understanding personality styles through the lens of DISC. Why this is importantIt’s super important to have better communicationIt’s better for not taking things personallyIt’s important for understanding each otherDISC 101We all send and receive information the way we prefer to send and receive itNatural vs. adaptive stylesWe all have D, I, S, and C but people tend to have 1-2 dominant stylesMaturity vs. immaturityThe goal is to lean in the direction of one another’s personality stylesWhat that looks likeHigh D(D) Dominance, Results Oriented, Driven, CompetitiveWhere they’re gifted:Thinking innovatively, challenges the status quoProblem-solversSelf-startersLeading groups in same directionFunctioning well under heavy workloadsWeaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:Oversteps authorityArgumentativeDoesn't consider opinions of othersTakes on too much thinking it will create fast resultsCommonly misses details that prevent mistakesControls environment through angerHigh I(I) Influencing, Persuasive, Inspiring, EnthusiasticWhere they’re gifted:Enthusiastic and optimisticPersuasive TrustingAccepting of othersIncredible at influencing and motivatingCreative problem-solversWeaknesses or how they contribute to conflict:Can be more concerned with speaking than listeningSays "yes" too much and overpromisesFeels attacked by critiqueNeeds to be accepted Loses focus with too many detailsControls environment through charm

In this episode, we discuss being on the same page with your parenting in your Fostering Marriage.  We cover the importance of same-page parentingHow to be unified instead of creating divisionHow to make sure one spouse doesn’t feel left alone or left behindHow to make better decisions togetherHow to create consistency for the childWhy being a predictable parent is so important for your kidsParenting approachThis begins with your mindsetRemember your marriage is team #1Ask questions to gain perspective to understand view pointsBe flexible to change if an approach isn’t workingExtending grace is paramount especially when you’re new to fostering and related stressorsKeys to practiceDiscussing parenting approaches beforehandDisciplinePraiseWhat if more support is needed once you have a placement?What support systems can you use? (i.e. respite, family, friends, babysitters, etc.)When you're in the thick of it.Understanding one another and their point of view and factoring in and gaining perspective and asking questions to see where they are coming from and why they are suggesting what they areHaving humility/ communicate with loveSeeking out information from other people/resourcesDiscipline/Choices and consequences - Recommended Read - Beyond Consequences, Logic and ControlWhat direction do we want to go? Be willing to change if it’s not working.What about when we’ve talked and we just don’t agree? Can one parent be willing to try the other parent's approach? What are the objections? Have you talked enough and gotten to what the real objections are? 

In this episode, we’re talking about supporting each other in the struggles of fostering in a wholistic perspective. 1. PhysicalHome life (chores, responsibilities, etc. )Foster duties such as insurance, appointments, etc. The spouse who’s NOT taking on more task encouraging the other to take a breakKeeping health and fitness a priorityKeeping intimacy a priority2. SpiritualKeeping relationship with God THE priority as individualsPraying togetherPracticing faith - speak to trusting God when you don’t know something is going to goExamples - the future of the kids, will we lose them, will this adoption happen3. Mental/EmotionalDoing the things that replenish and rejuvenate youWhen you’re struggling with a super difficult childPracticing living with suffering and daily dying to selfWhen you’re struggling with losing a childSeeking help if you need itImportant of graceYour support of each other is more powerful when you’re supporting the whole person.

It’s easy in fostering to lose focus on making your marriage the higher priority. Learn how to change that mindset and keep your marriage priority #1. IntroductionToday we’re talking about making foster parenting fit your marriage, not the other way around. What holds couples back from keeping their marriage the higher priority:We place more importance on fostering than the marriageSeeking worth from fostering and your kids If your beliefs (possibly driven by lies, assumptions, “kids are more important”, etc) then your decision/behaviors will follow those beliefsFostering being possibly the only important thing you have in commonTherefore, it’s what you talk about and focus on constantly2 keys to keeping your marriage the higher priority:Key #1 - Mindset Both people actually believe that the marriage is more importantBeliefs:It’s critical to lead and shepherd your familyIt’s our job to make our kids healthy, strong, and good decision makersOur family will do better when we’re unifiedEvery team needs 1 leader and the more unified you are, it’s as if there’s only 1 leader (but we bring different gifts and talents to the family)Communication is betterGives the kids more consistency and therefore, security and stabilityKey #2 - Healthy accountabilityHealthy accountability is lovingly helping someone succeedIn this case, it’s to succeed in marriage and as parentsDiscuss what holds people back from having healthy accountabilityTaking things personallyPrideDefensivenessFearMaking assumptionsNot asking questionsLosing worth in the discussionFeeling out of controlApproaching your spouse in a loving way to discuss the problemHumility and practicing receiving what your spouse is sayingConclusionTwo BIG keys to make foster parenting fit your marriage, not the other way around.MindsetHealthy accountability

In a Fostering Marriage, you’re faced with stressors, emotional struggles and hard decisions that can chip away at unity. Learn how to keep or create unity in the midst of challenges. IntroductionIf you listened to Episode 0, welcome back and we’re thrilled you’re here!If you didn’t listen to episode 0, go listen because we share a little about why we’re doing this show and who we areIn this episode, we’re talking about how to keep or create unity in a Fostering MarriageWhy is this so important?What holds couples back from greater unity?Key #1 - Prioritizing connectionCreate the time and space away from the kids to… How couples drift away from prioritizing connection…What happens when we don’t connect as couplesKey #2 - Quality communicationWe’re gonna talk a ton about communication on this show….We're gonna talk a lot about personality styles and communication…The point we want to make today is constantly work on your communication…Slow down and practice patience Pay attention to your tone - being careful of accusations/ controlling in how you speakGain perspective/Ask questionsRemember you’re on the same teamKey #3 - Be generous to each otherWhat does that mean?Giving, sacrificing, not being selfishBeing graceful and understanding of each other’s strugglesBe generous in how you view the other personShut down judgment, bitterness, resentment, victim mentalityServe each otherNot everything has to be compromise…ConclusionThree keys to focus on to keep or create unity are:Prioritize connectionQuality communicationBe generous to each other

Welcome to the Fostering Marriage podcast! We hope you’re having a fabulous day where you are!This is your hosts, Joel and MaryBeth Fortner.We’ve been married for over 12 years and for 3 years we’ve been on the fostering and adoption journey. We’re starting this show to specifically help couples who are also on this journey, no matter where they are. One of our top goals for this show is to help couples keep their marriage priority #1 or help couples rebuild their marriage and make it #1 again. Some other goals are:Give couples tools to improve their communicationHelp people overcome what holds them back personallyBetter navigate the stressors and challenges of fostering togetherBe more on the same page, make better decisions together, and become more unifiedWe’ve been blessed to have people and resources in our lives that have...…helped us heal over things in our personal lives, …grow in self awareness, …achieve a great marriage and grow even closer together over the last 3 years of fostering.We’ve learned that many marriages struggle so much due to stressors that come with fostering and couples aren't equipped to protect their marriages. We want to do something about that. This show is a first step. We hope you’re interested in listening and more importantly, learning, growing and putting in the work to improve your Fostering Marriage. Join us on episode 1 where we dive into How To Create and Keep Unity.