Have you ever felt like you’re the one to blame for all the problems in the relationship?  Why is that?  What is that called?

In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs a gaslighting experience, highlighting the D.A.R.V.O. method.  Join Sarah and her guest, Lauren, as they talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex.  They’ll get specific about a trip to the mountains, and how that epitomized so many gaslighting experiences in Lauren’s relationship with her ex.  .

Word of the day: D.A.R.V.O., which stands for defend/deny, attack, reverse victim offender.  The main point here being VICTIM.  Many people who do gaslighting behaviors are never to blame for their behaviors, choices, or even feelings – it’s your fault, their mom’s fault, heck – even the dog’s fault – but NEVER theirs. 

Story time: Sarah and Lauren talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex-husband of six years, and some of the components of the gaslighting experiences she had:

• He would say that if only she would do x, y, or z, then maybe he could find a way to feel that way about her again.  So she would do x, y, *and* z and it wouldn’t work.
• This is where we started talking about “The Dangling Carrot”!

 Deconstruction Zone:

• Gaslighter’s behavior: Used D.A.R.V.O. to avoid taking responsibility
• Flowchart:
• Undermining, coercion, overstating his needs + minimizing her attempts to love, belittling, punishing by withdrawing/silent treatment, and putting the responsibility on her to “fix it”.
• Diversion, ignoring reality/ignoring her requests, “highlighting flaws”, and invalidating her needs and feelings.
• Gaslightee’s flowchart:
• Explanation & Negotiation traps – hard time acknowledging being treating badly & self-blame = I can “fix” it.

Set your alarm: Look out for DARVO.  Biggest key is imbalance – if the other person is pretty much NEVER taking responsibility for things/someone else is always to blame; they paint themselves as victim (joke about chalk); and especially if YOU are the one that is always at fault, whatever the reason may be.  Slow down, check in with yourself – get curious.

Closing: Thank you for listening to today’s podcast.  If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it.  And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are! 

And once again, I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…

Visit Sarah's website to download her FREE guide: How to handle a gaslighting experience when you see one and/or Assessment here

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to be on the podcast and have Sarah deconstruct your gaslighting experience? Request to be on podcast here