Past trauma doesn't just stay in the past. It can show up in our relationship in unexpected, inconvenient, and disheartening ways. Desire can disappear without warning. Old distress can resurface years after we thought we'd made peace with it. Our instinct is often to judge ourselves for the ways that our past trauma impacts us, but judgment only pushes desire further away. Understanding does the opposite. It gives us something to work with instead of something to fight.
In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Kendra Nielson of the Fulfillment Therapy podcast to talk about how shame and dissociation show up in intimacy, why self-betrayal erodes desire, and what it actually takes to reclaim a sense of belonging to yourself when there has been trauma in your past.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Join us for the FREE Pornography Q&A on 9/17 at 7 PM MT! Click HERE to get the link for the call.
Sep 16
46 min
Sexual standards set by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints seem clear — no sex before marriage, total fidelity during marriage.
Guidelines for sexual activity are set out for young Latter-day Saints in publications like “For the Strength of Youth.” But what about older singles who have never wed or those whose marriages end in divorce or death? How do they then navigate the possibility of intimacy?
In this episode, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife joins Peggy Fletcher Stack and David Noyce of the Mormon Land Podcast to address older singles and how they can navigate the complex realities and decisions they face with integrity.
SHOW NOTES:
LABOR DAY SALE
DESIRE and DISCERNMENT (event for mid-Singles)
NEW ZEALAND TOUR
Sep 4
31 min
LABOR DAY SALE - BOGO 50% OFF Full-Length Courses
Strong marriages require two partners who are willing to tolerate discomfort in order to increase their capacity for real intimacy.
Leaning into the discomfort that comes from being exposed and known sexually can be particularly dysregulating. It takes a lot of courage to take ownership of who you are and what you desire and then to share that most intimate part of yourself with your spouse.
Today we are re-releasing this popular podcast from the archive. In it, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Dr. Corey Allan of the Sexy Marriage Radio Podcast to discuss duty sex and what couples can do to bring more desire, passion, and aliveness to their intimate relationship.
Listen to the full episode to learn more about:
Spontaneous Desire vs Responsive Desire
Escaping exposure and responsibility through resentment
Limiting narratives around sexuality that keep couples from growth
Modesty as a form of self-respect
Sep 2
42 min
Most of us are far more aware of our spouse's flaws than our own. It’s easy for us outline exactly what they're doing wrong while staying strangely unaware of our own part in the very pattern we're complaining about. This kind of self-deception may feel protective, but when we stay focused on our spouse instead of ourselves, we keep our marriage from growing.
In this NEW episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Dr. Corey Allan of Sexy Marriage Radio to talk about her book, That We Might Have Joy. They discuss why changing a marriage is about behavior, not ideas, the higher and lower desire dynamic, and the pull to hide behind marital roles instead of revealing who we actually are in our relationship.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
SAVE 30% on Cozy Earth bedding with code JFF30
NEW EVENTS! Come meet Dr. Jennifer in person!
Aug 25
33 min
Pain during sex is far more common than most people realize, and once the body learns to associate intimacy with pain, it can keep protecting itself long after the original cause is gone. That protection can look like flinching at a touch, bracing before closeness, or a body that pulls away before the mind even understands why. Understanding why the body holds onto pain, and what actually supports progress, can make a real difference for those who feel the pain and the partners who love them.
In this NEW podcast Q&A, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Jess Seitz, a trauma-informed pelvic floor occupational therapist and founder of Pain Free Intimacy, to talk through what causes painful intercourse, why the body learns to guard against it, and how couples can navigate the often difficult conversations that come along with it.
**SAVE 20% at Cozy Earth with the code JFF20**
Aug 18
58 min
Sometimes a partner goes quiet because they're overwhelmed and trying to find their footing in the conversation. Other times, silence is a strategy, a way to make a spouse squirm and bend until the relationship settles back into its old, immature rhythm. There's a real difference between going quiet in conflict and the silent treatment, and knowing which one you're up against changes how you respond.
In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife uses listener questions to unpack the difference between disengaging to self-regulate and using silence to punish, and what it looks like to stay grounded and invested when a spouse disengages.
**SAVE $200 on the Strengthening Your Relationship Retreat in Lehi, UT!**
Aug 11
52 min
We've received many requests over the years to offer Dr. Finlayson-Fife's resources in other languages. Miriam Parkin has generously offered her time and talent to translate episodes for us and we will add them to the feed as they come in (in addition to our regular podcast production schedule). You can listen to the original "Having Sex vs Making Love" podcast HERE.
_________
En este episodio, Dan Purcell, del podcast *Get Your Marriage On*, le pide a la Dra. Finlayson-Fife su perspectiva sobre la diferencia entre tener sexo y hacer el amor, así como sobre lo que las parejas pueden hacer para aportar mayor profundidad espiritual a su relación sexual.
Aug 1
26 min
Many of us grew up believing spirituality is the obedient, contained part of ourselves and sexuality is the unruly part that has to be reined in. But the two actually develop along the same path. We start in fear, trying to follow the rules we were given, and with maturity we move into something more integrated, more our own. That shift can feel like something is going wrong, but it's actually how we find our way to our own integrity, in both our sexuality and our spirituality.
In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Dr. Heidi Hastings of the Marriage IQ podcast to explore how sexual and spiritual growth move through the same developmental stages, what it looks like to move from an external sense of self to an internal one, and why that shift changes both a marriage and a person's relationship with faith and God.
Jul 28
44 min
Attraction isn't just about chemistry. It's tied to meaning, and meaning can change. In a long-term marriage, what we find desirable in a spouse is shaped less by biology and more by the meanings underlying the relationship. When those meanings shift, desire shifts with them — leaving you either pulling away from a spouse you once desired, or trying to make sense of one who's pulled away from you.
In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife answers listener questions about attraction, touching on how to build desire in a marriage where it wasn't there to begin with, what it means when a spouse admits they don't feel attracted to you, and how old patterns of resentment and control can undercut desire without either partner realizing it.
Want to learn more? Enroll in the Sex Worth Wanting course!
Jul 14
46 min
Join us in NEW ZEALAND!
We like to think that proficiency at work carries over into our personal relationships, but excelling in a career and excelling in love draw on entirely different strengths. High-demand careers reward constant competence, and it feels good to have a system built around you, where people defer to you because it's their job, but a spouse sees the version of you that colleagues and patients almost never do, including your shortcomings and missteps.
That exposure is uncomfortable, especially for someone used to having everything together, so many find it easier to hide in their competence at work than show up honestly at home.
In this episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Dr. Richard Low of the Next Level Dentist podcast to talk about the impact high-demand careers have on relationships, including the gap between the self we bring to work and the self we bring home, the intimacy that forms naturally with people you're solving problems alongside, and what safeguards to put in place for work relationships.
UPCOMING RETREATS (Save $200 on The Art of Desire or Art of Loving Retreat with code JFF200)
Jul 7
1 hr 4 min
Load more