Sometimes, before we deal with something that has happened, we are reluctant to even ADMIT that something significant has happened, and it needs our attention. I have been in a season of loss and involuntary, painful, change for what is coming on to 2 years now, and I have only just started to tend to this grief that I didn’t even know was here. These two words: “Now what?” have been a whole spectrum of colours that I have used to navigate the brutally inconsistent process of grieving. These words have been an invitation calling me deeper into every emotion; anxiety, sadness, curiosity, loneliness, blame and forgiveness. Dare to ask, “Now what?” and see decomposition and newness start to unravel all around you. Thank you for being here!X

You may have been told to stay away from a couple of things or people because “they’re bad” or you’re a bad person for associating with them, especially in your teenage years. And then in what feels like the blink of an eye, you may have suddenly been told to believe the absolute opposite. It’s so disorienting to juggle these crooked beliefs that get thrown our way while we’re growing up. It’s even more disorienting to drop all of them and actually choose our own beliefs. Is identity a switch that we can just turn this way and that?…I don’t think the answer is as simple as “yes” or “no” here. Thank you for listening. Peace and Love. Xx

IT’S TIME TO MOVE OUT YO!!! Or is it…? When is the right time to leave home? When you have enough money and you can take care of yourself. Cool. But what about family ties, and geographical shifts, finding community and being able to save and be financially comfortable? What about THAT?! I don’t have the answers…but I’m willing to have the conversation, are you? Thank you for being here! Peace and Love!xx

Packing, for any kind of reason, can be very scary and disorienting. “Am I leaving things that make me WHO I AM behind?” “Am I packing MYSELF away?” “Am I BETRAYING myself?” Letting some things leave our sight and fall into the background can provoke tough questions, but at best, it can put some things into perspective. I was putting away some old things and it took getting to that point; of almost letting them go, to realise how much they still mean to me and how close I want them. Thank you for being here! Peace and Love!xx

It is so exhausting to have to prove yourself to people; having to justify your presence in every room and why you should be given the time of day. Most of the time, we’re being undervalued and we’re co-signing with that. Agreeing that we are inadequate and we need to work harder than everybody else to be worthy of the space we take up. I am tired of believing that because it is not true. If you have any inkling of irritation or exhaustion at having to do yet another dance or performance to prove your worth, it’s because deep down you know you shouldn’t have to. So don’t! Walk in and ASSERT your worth. Thank you for being here, be well. Love, Siphumelele.

At some point, most of us have (or will) come to a place where we want to take that next step but someone tells us, one way or another, that we HAVEN’T ACCUMULATED ENOUGH YET to take that next step. This could be education, work experience, a social media following or even years of age. For me, that has been my experience trying to start my career as a writer. I have been told so many times that I’m not qualified enough, that I don’t have enough experience or networks that I ended up believing I really didn’t have enough to be a writer. I began looking at further paths of academic study in order to “better myself,” but in the last 3 months, I have actually been realising that I have enough, MORE THAN ENOUGH actually, in both education and experience to actually do what I want to do. And I’d like to challenge you to entertain that idea too…that maybe, just maybe…you don’t need another certification or endorsement or more training to take that next step and do the thing you want to do. What if you entertained (and even believed) that your seeds have been planted, that they have grown into ripe fruit and that it is READY FOR HARVESTING? Because you know what, it’s probably true. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to believe the external (or INTERNAL) voices that say, “You need more…” or if you’re going to assert this truth and MOVE ON UP ALREADY: “I Have Enough and it is Time for Me to Harvest this Field of Education and Life Experience that I have been Cultivating!” Let me know if this resonates with you at [email protected].

So, if you have ever had a desire along these lines; “…if I can just be one of THOSE people then…” this episode is for you. We can get so obsessed with the narratives we want to be in and inversely, the narratives that we want to detach from. I share a little bit on this battle of narratives from my own personal experiences, and as always, I hope you feel witnessed and affirmed if you have felt or behaved the same way in your own life. I would REALLY love to hear from you if this resonates deeply with you or if you have advice or recommendations for how to deal with this battle of narratives that we all go through. You can get in touch with me by sending me a mail at [email protected]. Love, from a cloudy Human-Rights-Day South Africa

Love is on YOUR side. Nothing that you’ve done; internal or external from you, can change the Benevolence that has its arms wide open to you. So you’ve disappointed a few people, maybe even yourself…but you are still welcome in the Beloved Family of All things! In this short episode I share an extract from one of the Apostle Paul’s letters to the Romans, recorded in the Bible. I read from the 8th chapter, starting from the 18th verse. When I read this I was so heavy with shame and despair, and feeling convinced that nothing good is coming my way because I don’t deserve it, but then I read this letter (in the MSG, or The Message version) in the Bible, and I felt like I was being offered Love and Grace (and definitely forgiveness) and I decided to accept it…will you?Xx

If you’re even remotely introspective, which most of us are, you occasionally think about the decisions you’ve made in the past and what they say about YOU as a person. I’m in a season of silence and slowness where I’ve had no choice but to look at the recurring bad designs I’ve made in the last year and I’m realising that I keep falling into this cycle of shame, defeat and self-pity when I look at how I’ve fumbled (over and over). So, I’ve started to think about my thinking processes and how they led me into situations that left me very poor options and inevitable bad decisions. This one is very anecdotal and very long (both unintentional), but I hope that you can sink in and maybe think about how you reflect on your own decisions and how you can reverse those potentially toxic shame patterns into opportunities to grow your mind and spirit…both of which are the foundations (actually) of our identity! Love from (a very rainy) South Africa!

*WARNING* This entire episode deals with the sensitive topic of SUICIDE. Further warning, it is a monologue which means it is inherently myopic and bound to be experienced as one-dimensional and uninformed. I, Siphumelele Gumede, have battled suicidal thoughts and depression but I have never attempted suicide nor experienced it in my immediate family. I do venture my opinion however on this very sensitive topic because it is so heavy on my heart and whatever your interpretation of my words is, it is so important to me that you know that, I am FOR anyone who has battled with suicidal thoughts, lost their life to suicide or lost someone in their life to suicide. The intention behind this episode and my decision to post it is informed by a desire to sympathise with and “with”ness sufferers of mental illness (as one who has suffered too and) as one who wishes more than anything to see more sympathy and softness toward mental illness (depression and suicide). I also refer to “God,” I am a believer of the Jesus stories and identify as a Christian but again, I come, intentionally, with love and the desire to see more love and sympathy towards this topic, I am not advocating for any particular way to view these things, I am simply calling for Love. That is all. More LOVE please? P.S. I know it has literally been a year since our last episode, and for that we are truly sorry. Paige and I are currently in different provinces and dealing with a lot on our plates but this podcast is not dead!!!!! Please stay?x