Read our new book, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/3VFVYAm Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk Episode #579: David Perell - Setting The Standard, Cultivating Your Taste, Pursuing Excellence, Becoming a Sloganeer, Always Working/Never Working, & Lessons From a Mysterious Billionaire Notes: Set the standard – “It’s your job to have the highest quality standards of anybody you work with. Every day, you’ll face pressure to lower them. Don’t do it. If you can set a high standard and simply maintain it, you’ll do very well for yourself.” Have a high-quality bar. Do three things: Define it: Clearly state the standards. (read The 11 Laws of Showrunning) Maintain it: This is hard to do. Raise it: Keep pushing. You need to define what quality looks like. Set the true north. David worked with a coach to establish his core values. And he was going to narrow it down to five and the coach said, “Nope, it’s just one. It’s the one that everything in your life orbits around... It’s The Pursuit of Excellence. The biggest piece of low-hanging fruit for leaders is getting funnier: Nobody trains themselves to get funnier though. It’s strangely taboo. That’s why it’s such an opportunity. "Laughter is the sound of comprehension." Say something memorable. Humor is memorable. A good way to think... Deconstruct something funny. David spends a lot of time understanding why Theo Von is so funny. The key to excellent storytelling: a moment of change. Conflict and suspense carry stories. Robert Caro writing the LBJ books... "What would I see if I was there." He moved to where LBJ lived to see what it was like to be there. How to cultivate taste: Make a list of things you love/hate. Look for things you love (but aren't supposed to), and things you hate (but are supposed to love). Make things. Don't be a passive consumer. Be a connoisseur. Be discerning about what you consume. Amor Tolles - History is bad for knowing what's good now. Consume old things. Museums - Pay attention to what elicits a reaction. Why is it a 10? Why is it a 1? What do you love? What do you hate? Why? Archegos is David's favorite Greek word, and it gets to the heart of good leadership. Four meanings: Author, founder, pioneer, leader America’s founding fathers are the canonical example Lessons from a mysterious billionaire mentor: David asks very specific questions, listens, and takes lots of notes. When meeting with a mentor, show up with energy and specific questions. They are tired of hearing the boring generic questions. Be specific. The mentor talks 98% of the time and David just types what he says. He now has 18,000 words worth of notes. Some lessons: CEOs are Sloganeers: CEOs shouldn’t write strategy memos. They should drive slogans.  Three lines. Three words each. (Bezos: Focus on the Customer) CEOs should tell the same stories over and over again, refining their pitch like a comedian. Gauging reactions Asking questions Listening to push-back Seeing what makes people’s eyes light up Your message is only landing once people start making fun of you. Good goal in life: Always working, never working Story from Patrick O'Shaughnessy. He was asked how much time he spent preparing. Initially, he said, "not much." Then he thought for a while, and said, "I'm preparing all the time. My whole life is preparing to ask these questions."

Order our book, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/3xbhAdD Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk Create surplus value - What can we do to give more than we take? "The key is to figure out what you can do that others can’t or are unwilling to do. Hard work is a talent. Curiosity is a talent. Patience and empathy are talents." "Helping others makes me feel strong." Scott's recent experience with Ketamine Therapy - "It clarified my thinking. It's helped me stop keeping score. It also made me grateful for my wife. Did you ever get a gift when you were a kid that you weren’t expecting and you couldn’t afford it? Something you never imagined having.” I got a $45 Banh skateboard from my mom’s boyfriend Terry. It was a moment of sheer surprise and joy. My wife kept popping in my head and I kept thinking, god I get to hang out with this person, get to have kids with them, get to build a life with her. It was this overwhelming feeling of wonderful joy and surprise. It was very clarifying and rewarding for me.” "You Gotta Ask" - Scott met his wife at the Raleigh Hotel pool in Miami. He saw her from a distance and promised himself that he wouldn't leave the pool without introducing himself to her first.  In order to do anything of significance in your life, you must take an uncomfortable risk." Scott is married to Beata Galloway, a real estate developer born in Germany. Together, they have two sons. One of them has the middle name, Raleigh. Why Crying is Important - "It informs what's important to you." Why Scott uses crude humor - It's used to connect with people. And people are either afraid or not able to do it. When Scott was 13… One of his mom’s boyfriends handed him two crisp 100-dollar bills after he asked him about stocks. Terry (his mom's boyfriend) told him “Go buy some stock at one of those fancy brokers in the village." Once there, Scott met a mentor named Cy Gordner who helped him learn about the markets. Show up when it matters — Michael Bloomberg’s policy. "If a friend gets a promotion, there is no need to call. You’ll get dinner with them at some point. But if a friend gets fired, I have dinner with them that night in a public place where everybody can see me. Because I remember when I got fired from Solomon Brothers — I can tell you every person that called me. That meant something. When I was made partner? I have no recollection of that whatsoever." Last year Scott had 340 inbound speaking requests. He accepted 30 of them. His average rate is $112,000 per speech. “The stimulus that attracted my attention with the most urgency was money, not as a means of establishing economic security, but to feed my addiction: affirmation from others.” The role of Luck - Being born in America in the 1960s and two (most importantly) Scott's mom. Though she was raised in a household with little affection, she couldn’t control herself with her son. “For me, affection was the difference between hoping someone thought I was wonderful or worthy and knowing it.” (Emotional) Scott is a dynamic communicator: A turn of phrase is a way of expressing something, in writing or speech, that stands out in some particular way. One of the key indicators of long-term success is the “willingness to endure rejection.” Whether this is walking up to a stranger at the Raleigh hotel, a cold-calling sales job, or asking people to be on your podcast. How to build wealth? Focus (mastery, find your talent), Stoicism (this is about saving more than you spend), Time ( 21 years with your money in low-cost index funds, you will earn 8 times your money), Diversification (Your kevlar). Once you earn some money, assume you are not Steve Ballmer or Mark Zuckerberg. Use a variety of investment vehicles. Going all on one company or asset class is not the optimal choice for most of us.

Our book, The Score That Matters, is now available! https://amzn.to/3ToYckL Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk The ASK approach - Choose curiosity, make it a safe space to tell the truth, pose quality questions (that’s a question that helps you learn something), LISTEN (check if you heard them right, rephrase), then reflect and connect - FOLLOW UP. Make sure the other person feels that you’ve listened to and heard them. 1) Choose Curiosity to awaken your interest in new discoveries. What can I learn from this person? 2) Make it Safe for people to tell you hard things Find the right context. Be vulnerable. Radiate Resilience. 3) Pose Quality Questions so you can uncover what’s most important Questions that help you learn something. What do you really think? 4) Listen to Learn, to hear what someone is really trying to tell you. Request reactions... What holes are in my perspective? 5) Reflect and Reconnect, so you take the right action based on what you’ve heard. Update my thinking. Sifting through what we heard. What can I take away of value? What are the best questions to ask in an interview for a job: As the interviewee, ask them what concerns they have about you? They’re going to talk about these when you’re not in the room. You might as well talk about them together when you’re in there… As the interviewer: Fast forward 1 year. There are two scenarios. 1, you crushed it. 2, You didn’t. Tell the story of what happened in each of those scenarios… What did Jeff learn from his work as a magician? Magic trains you to hold your cards close to your chest, that’s what makes the illusion work…He dreamed (still does) of someone asking him, so what do you think Jeff? He’s held back so much because he wanted people to ask him what he thought… It's like he needed permission. When pollsters asked Americans, “If you could have any superpower you wanted, what would you pick?” Two answers tied for the number 1 spot. Reading other people’s minds and time travel. Asking helps you read people's minds. Key learning from Chris Argyris: How smart people fail to learn... They don't ask. A child asks 25-50 questions per hour. An adult. A tiny fraction of that. Curiosity goes away as we age if we're not intentional about it. "We're all stuck inside our own certainty loops." Leadership hiring must-haves... Alignment with the mission Core values Track record A learner Learning design – How to make your next leadership retreat as impactful as possible? ASK the participants to help you co-create the event. We often miss out on goals, opportunities, and relationships because we don’t know how to ask the right question, in the right way. Yet this critical strength can be learned, and transform your career, organization, and relationships. Career and Life advice: You don't have to have it all figured out. WHO matters more than WHAT.

Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com Buy our new book, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/3ToYckL My guest: Scott Belsky co-founded Behance in 2006 and served as its CEO for six years. Behance was acquired by Adobe in 2012. Since then he has had a variety of roles with the company and is currently Adobe’s Chief Strategy Officer, and EVP of Design & Emerging Products. He’s also the author of two best-selling books, The Messy Middle and Making Ideas Happen. Scott holds a bachelor’s degree from Cornell University and an MBA from Harvard Business School. Hiking > Beach - You're only able to recollect experiences with enough friction to add texture to time as it passes. time spent doing the unexpected and/or being challenged is time with texture. Ultimately, in our dying breath, the more experiences in our lives with texture, the more of our lives we will actually remember and the longer we will feel we have lived. What adds texture to time? A challenge. Feeling unrushed - Feeling unrushed (so simple, yet so hard) is indeed such a luxury; one I still fail to achieve. Persona-Led Growth - People are more likely to share what people say than what companies say. Modern “PR strategy” should amplify the voice of actual builders, embrace personality rather than dull it out, and aspire for more real-time updates vs. major moments. How to raise kids to become great adults? "model hard work" Say, "This is the hard work." Manufacture hardship. Regulate emotions. Big feelings, little bodies. Why Scott enjoys working at Adobe... He's a mission-driven entrepreneur. Progress begets progress. Prototype = Show, not tell. A prototype is worth a hundred meetings, and almost all meetings that aren’t grounded with a prototype are a waste of time (or worse). A prototype immediately surfaces gaps in logic or business concerns. It is the fastest way to drive alignment. "A prototype prompts decisiveness" "It's a hot knife through the butter of bureaucracy." Why Scott writes a Substack newsletter: "I want to be part of the creator platform." Writing clarifies thinking It's important to stay close to the action. Writing works as a forcing function to do that. Scott has benefited greatly from running every day. It's important to push yourself mentally and physically. "There's no option to stop." What's the most important element of leadership? "Empathy. It's a shortcut for overcoming challenges." “You’re either part of the living or part of the dying.”  Scott's aunt Arlis Aron. Fought stage 4 cancer for 15 years. She always focused on living, her garden, breakfast, and traveling. “Decide if you want to live less or live more.” "Every day is a standalone canvas."

Our new book, The Score That Matters, is out TODAY (March 26, 2024). Here's the link: https://amzn.to/4citmTL Thank you for your support! Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk Ryan Hawk is the creator and host of The Learning Leader Show, a top-rated business podcast that focuses on learning from the most effective leaders in the world. He speaks regularly to Fortune 500 companies; works with teams and players in the NFL, NBA, MLB, and NCAA; and facilitates Leadership Circles to offer structured guidance and collaborative feedback to new and experienced leaders. Ryan has also built an online leadership school called The Learning Leader Academy. He is the author of Welcome to Management and The Pursuit of Excellence, lauded by Forbes magazine as “the best leadership book of 2020” and “the most dynamic leadership book of 2022,” respectively. Brook Cupps has been a high school basketball coach for more than 20 years, earning several Coach of the Year awards. His teams have won numerous conference, district, and regional championships, as well as Centerville High School’s first-ever basketball state championship in 2021. In addition, he has spent the last eight years coaching grassroots basketball on the AAU circuits and helped guide the North Coast (Ohio) Blue Chips to national championships in 2014 and 2019. He publishes weekly essays on leadership and coaching on his site, Blue Collar Grit, and is the author of Surrender the Outcome. People love to keep score. Managers keep score of a range of business metrics: market share, revenue, profit margin, and growth rate. In our personal lives, social media has us keeping score by likes and followers. These external scores are outcome-driven and serve as proof of our success—money, fame, material possessions, wins—but this constant chase for more validation often leaves us feeling exhausted and empty. Offering both descriptive and prescriptive advice and anecdotes, The Score That Matters will help you unlock true fulfillment and happiness by discovering your purpose, identifying your values, creating critical behaviors, and living them faithfully every day in all aspects of your life. Warren Buffett once said, “The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.”  And that’s what The Score That Matters Is All About… The inner scoreboard is about eliminating comparison with others and living in alignment with what’s most important to you: your values and the behaviors to match those values.  If you want to stop comparing yourself to others, establish YOUR core values, and live in alignment with them (and I believe you should), then I think our book, The Score That Matters, will be useful for you. In addition to that, our book, The Score That Matters, will help you Build trust with the important people in your lives (your family and the team you’re leading at work) It will help you focus on your eulogy virtues instead of your resume virtues And we write about how you can build transformational relationships that will ultimately change your life for the better. When I interviewed economics professor and best-selling author Tyler Cowen, I asked him why he chose to write his most recent book with someone else (after he previously had written his books by himself). He said, “If you have an opportunity to work with someone who is awesome and brilliant and who will cooperate with you, you should always do that. Drop everything and do that.” Before this, I never thought I would write with someone else. It’s too personal. However, I took Tyler Cowen’s advice and I am so glad I did. Working on a book with one of your mentors is the ultimate tool for learning. I got to have long-form conversations (both in writing and in person) from someone who has figured out some of life’s most challenging issues. When you meet Brook Cupps, you’ll notice that he’s incredibly comfortable in his own skin. He has ZERO need to get approval from anyone outside of his closest friends. He has his values, lives his values, and that’s it. I think we would all be better off if we did that. In this book, you’ll get the unique perspective of a teacher and a student. Brook plays the role of the teacher, and me the student. We wrote almost all of the book together and mixed in some parts labeled BC and RH when it was from each of our unique perspectives. After a lifetime of figuring these things out and 3 years working together to get the ideas out of our heads onto the page, our book, The Score That Matters is now available for you to read. If you’ve gotten any value from The Learning Leader Show over the past 9 years, I hope you decide to buy this book. I think it could change your life. Go to Amazon now and buy it. If you’ve already bought yourself a copy, go back to Amazon and buy another one or two for the people in your life you care about most. Start a book club, tell your friends, read this with your colleagues at work. Not only do I think it could change your life, but all of your friends too. Thank you for your support!  

Read our new book, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/3vjDSt6 Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com The Learning Leader Show With Ryan Hawk 574: Guy Kawasaki - Leadership Lessons From Steve Jobs, Learning How To Sell, Becoming a Chief Evangelist, and The 'Think Different' Philosophy “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward In 1977, Guy enrolled in the UCLA Anderson School of Management, where he earned an MBA. While there, Guy also worked at a jewelry company, Nova Stylings. He said, "The jewelry business is a very, very tough business, tougher than the computer business... I learned a very valuable lesson: how to sell." It’s helpful to know that we are all in sales every day. Whether you think you’re in sales or not… You are. You’re selling yourself, your ideas, projects, products. It’s useful to learn how to sell. Melanie Perkins, CEO of Canva (which is an amazing product and company)... "She’s Steve Jobs with heart and soul. They are on a relentless pursuit of perfection." Guy's counting dots story… It started in 6th grade. A teacher pushed him to go to a private school. That led to him getting into Stanford. This is where he met Mike Boich, who ended up hiring him at Apple. Then getting asked to go on the TEDx stage with Jane Goodall… Guy has made the most of the good fortune in his life… Steve Jobs/Change Your Mind: Guy launched his tech career at Apple as the company’s “chief evangelist,” marketing the original Macintosh computer.  When Jobs first introduced the iPhone in 2007, it was a closed system — no one outside of Apple could create an app for it. Software developers had to use a Safari plugin to make their app work on the phone, as they weren’t able to access the iPhone’s system directly in order to ensure the phone’s security. Just one year later, however, Jobs made a complete “180-degree reversal,” The founder opened the iPhone system to the public after realizing how much more the device could offer customers with apps written by anyone with a good idea. “I learned the very valuable lesson that when you’re doing something wrong when you’re doing something sub-optimally, it’s a sign of intelligence to change your mind.” Throughout our conversation, Guy talks about being an evangelist, and the definition of that is to “bring the good news.”  Default to yes. Make yourself indispensable. Learn to say, "I'm sorry," and "I don't know." Guy shares a story about a disagreement he had with Steve Jobs and how that cost him millions of dollars… But he learned an important lesson from Steve that has impacted him ever since.

Read our book, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/3uWB1pQ Full Show Notes at www.LearningLeader.com Notes: “If it can’t be grown, it must be mined. It’s a truth of human progress.” The story of Burro Schmidt… He spent 38 years hand-digging a tunnel through a ½ mile of solid granite even though 19 years in, they built a road that made his tunnel obsolete. But he found his purpose and wanted to finish the job. Some may think that’s crazy, but I admire people like that. Be Your Own Light - "I don't look for hope. I look for evidence." Seek Awe - Understand your smallness in the world and how it's all interconnected. Read the "Thank You Project" by AJ Jacobs. "We love to see people who have found their purpose." There are long-term consequences of short-term thinking. Robert Greene's advice to Brent - Combine your unique and different skill sets to find your purpose. Brent dedicated his book to his parents, Liz and Bill, and sister Laura. I appreciate Brent’s outlook on life and permitting yourself to live a life of adventure and to think BIG. You can still wisely do this. Brent still works a day job with the Daily Stoic but is also taking a big swing at the same time. This is an option that is available for most of us. It’s on us to take action and do it. I’ve known Brent for about a decade. In his previous role with Brass Check (that’s Ryan Holiday’s marketing company), one of his jobs was to get authors on podcasts. And I love how precise Brent was in his outreach. He never sent me an author unless he had done the work ahead of time to ensure they were a good fit for my show. I appreciate the care he puts into his work and has for a long time. "When I think back 4 years, before Cerro Gordo, life was pretty stable. I had a good job, a solid apartment, and friends. It felt like a life that I could have floated through forever. I just kept feeling like I was missing out on...something. Something to grab my attention and not let go. To avoid, as Thoreau said, a life of “quiet desperation.” ⁣A lot has changed since then. Life certainly isn’t comfortable. There were 3 feet of snow to shovel before I could get to the outhouse this morning. There have been fires, floods, and earthquakes. I’ve lost too much weight, friends, partners, money. A lot more. I wouldn’t change a thing. I feel fulfilled in a way I never knew was possible. Building something real that I care about. Connected to my work, the world, the past. Meeting so many passionate people who care deeply about the same things. ⁣" Get To Work – JP Morgan said every man has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason… The siren song of Cerro Gordo, a desolate ghost town perched high above Death Valley, has seduced thousands since the 1800s, but few fell harder for it than Brent Underwood, who moved there in March of 2020, only to be immediately snowed in and trapped for weeks. It had once been the largest silver mine in California. Over $500 million worth of ore was pulled from the miles of tunnels below the town. Butch Cassidy, Mark Twain, and other infamous characters of the American West were rumored to have stayed there. Newspapers reported a murder a week. But that was over 150 years ago. Brent Underwood bet his life savings—and his life—on this majestic, hardscrabble town that had broken its fair share of ambitious men and women. What followed were fires, floods, earthquakes, and perhaps strangest, fame. Ghost Town Living tells the story of a man against the elements, a forgotten historic place against the modern world, and a dream against all odds—one that has captured millions of followers around the world. After graduating from Columbia University, Brent worked briefly for an investment bank in New York City. After one month, he quit and backpacked across Central and South America. Upon returning to New York, he founded a hostel in Brooklyn. In December 2014 Brent founded HK Austin, a hostel in Austin, Texas after staying in 150 hostels across 30 countries. For 2015, HK Austin was the highest-rated hostel in the United States. “I’m not going to call it a ghost town anymore. I’m going to call it home.”

Buy our NEW BOOK, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/3TmmbkT Full show notes www.LearningLeader.com Think BIG... But choose what to be ambitious about. Get clear on that first. Simple Modern is a $225m bootstrapped business... Mike owns the majority of the company. Mission: "We exist to give generously." Simple Modern is an employee-owned Oklahoma based company whose mission statement is we exist to give generously. Our desire is to make 5-star products offering remarkable value so we can give to worthy organizations making the world a better place. Use the "75-year-old self principle:" - What would your 75-year-old self regret if you didn't do? (credit: Jeff Bezos) Leadership stages: Player Player/Coach Coach General Manager "I love the name of your podcast. You have to keep learning." What are the best and worst parts of being a CEO? Best: Building culture, being part of a community, having lunch every day with your team. It creates huge leverage to do great work. Worst: Stress, isolation. Understanding your identity? Is it too tied up in an unhealthy place?  Mike's purpose: Teaching Giving Leading and creating value Parenting Positively alter the lives of others (as many as possible) "Great leaders create more leaders. We measure it wrong. It should be about creating more leaders." The professor, Rufus Fears, started the lecture. The first thing out of his mouth was, "If you are here trying to get a pink slip, I can tell you that the class is full, and there will be no pink slips given." Mike did not let that stop him. He stayed after class, talked with Professor Fears, went to his office, and talked with him. And earned entry to his class (and a few others of his later). It’s a great lesson that we need to be proactive and take initiative. We need to go after what we want. Is your identity coming from a healthy place? Is it coming from accomplishments, titles, or materialistic things? Money? Or have you found your identity in something bigger than yourself? A well-defined purpose almost always stems from helping other people. Why you should write: There are multiple levels of understanding. They are: You know nothing, then you have an intuitive understanding of something but you can’t explain it to someone else, then you actually behave in a deliberate way and can explain it. That goes to a point where you can understand a situation in real-time. And finally, you get to the point where you can teach it to someone else. A writing practice can help clarify your thinking and help you better understand something so well that you can teach it to others. Let’s develop a writing practice. Writing scales. Hosting a podcast scales. They also increase your surface area for luck and serendipity. Why Mike has no desire to sell Simple Modern: The whole point of having money is that we can trade it for things that are better than money. "You can't convert money to friendships. You can't buy things that give you meaning & purpose. Life is in pursuit of priceless things." Mike's favorite marketing pitch ever (Jon Hamm in Mad Men): Kodak asks for a branding campaign around a new product. It is a circular device that allows you to flip through pictures. Kodak hopes to  highlight the technology and call the product "the wheel." Then, they get a master class on branding from Jon Hamm in Mad Men… Before we can lead others well, we have to be internally healthy. Leadership is an inside-out exercise. What do you value? It is easy to determine what someone truly cares about: What do they do with their free time? Where do they spend their extra money? "I frequently spend time comparing what I say I value to what my behavior shows because the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves."

Do you want to live in alignment with your purpose and values? Read our new book, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/3Igx1Ue Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com Notes on my conversation with former CEO of 7-Eleven and Blockbuster, Jim Keyes: From adversity to the stars. Per ardua ad astra is a Latin phrase meaning "through adversity to the stars.” Adversity is your advantage. The tough moments you’re going through will help you be stronger long term. This is a useful mindset shift. "Adversity is an advantage." How did Jim get hired the first time and continually get promoted? He told the truth.  He was unafraid to tell it like it really was. No fluffy language. He got right to it and let them know how he could help them. He focused on THEM, not him. They don’t care about why you think you deserve the job. They care about their company and if you’ll be able to help solve their problems. Focus on them, their issues, and how you can help them. That’s what Jim has done his entire career. The C-Suite Learnings What – Change, Confidence, Clarity How - Critical thinking (ask why), curiosity, and creativity (have fun) Why - Collaboration, Culture literacy (learn from others experiences), and character Jim became one of the youngest managers in this history of McDonald's. "The only one that likes change is a wet baby. Change is reality. Change equals opportunity." CEO = "Change Equals Opportunity." Confidence is all about preparation. The more you prepare, the more confident you'll be. Clarity and Simplicity. "The hardest thing in the world is to keep things simple." "True elegance is in simplicity." "I can't lead if you can't understand. So, it's up to me to keep things simple and clear." Nelson Mandela once said, “I never lose…I win, or I learn.” "There are three prerequisites to a successful business transformation in the face of change: cash management, confidence, and collaboration. Managing cash flow is, by far, the most important but maintaining sufficient cash requires confidence and collaboration."  

Read our new book, The Score That Matters https://amzn.to/49LJuuD Full show notes at www.LearningLeader.com Notes: Just two years into Amy's work as a therapist, her mother passed away unexpectedly. Exactly three years to the day later, her 26-year-old husband, Lincoln, died of a heart attack. So she set out on a personal journey to learn as much as she could about grief, mental health, and mental strength. Amy decided that she would live life to the fullest. She rode mules into the Grand Canyon, went skydiving, took flying trapeze lessons, spent the night in 49 states, got 6-pack abs in 28 days, and started driving a motorcycle Amy’s daily challenge: She pushes herself to run a mile as fast as she can. It forces her outside of her comfort zone and ensures mental and physical growth. Pleasant activity scheduling. Put them on the calendar. Block out time for pleasant experiences together with your partner, your family, and your friends. You then look forward to those moments, get to experience those moments, and then create memory dividends that you’ll have for life. Schedule pleasant activities.  Don’t take your partner for granted. I think this goes for any relationship, but especially for those of us who are in committed long-term relationships with a spouse. Think of the Tony Robbins story: For the past twenty years, each day when he gets home from work, he has a “Honey I’m home” routine where they share a big embrace and a kiss and they both bring positive energy to the interaction. This sets the tone so that their relationship doesn’t get boring. What Mentally Strong Couples Do: They don't ignore their problems. - Whether they face a sudden financial hiccup or experience issues related to intimacy, mentally strong couples address their problems head-on. They engage in difficult conversations and confront their issues, regardless of the discomfort it might bring. By working together to find solutions early on, they prevent their problems from escalating. They don’t keep secrets. - Mentally strong couples respect each other's privacy, like allowing one another to have private conversations with friends. However, they draw the line at keeping secrets. They’re honest about everything, whether it’s how much they really spent on an item or the fact that a co-worker has been flirting with them. They prioritize open discussion over potential discomfort because they understand that trust is the foundation of their relationship. They don’t hesitate to set boundaries - Mentally strong couples know the importance of setting boundaries with each other. For instance, one partner may need to refrain from responding to text messages during the workday as it interferes with their job. But they also set boundaries to shield their relationship from external influences, like an overbearing mother-in-law or a relative who asks to borrow money. Together, they establish financial, physical, emotional, social, and temporal boundaries that enable them to function at their best. They don’t become martyrs - Mentally strong couples understand that while sacrifices are part of a relationship, it doesn't mean giving up everything to the point of self-destruction. They steer clear of bitterness and resentment for the things they've done for the family. Instead, they set boundaries, voice their needs, and take care of their well-being. They don't use their emotions as weapons - It’s healthy to experience and express a wide variety of emotions. But mentally strong couples don’t weaponize their emotions. For instance, a strong individual won’t cry to avoid a tough conversation, and they won’t raise their voice to get their way. Their focus is on managing their emotions, not controlling their partner's actions. They don't try to "fix" each other - While they work toward bringing out the best in each other, mentally strong individuals don't try to "fix" their partners. They strive to be a positive influence but respect their partner's autonomy to make personal choices—even when they don’t agree with those choices. They support their partner’s attempts at self-improvement but understand that they can't do the work on their partner's behalf. They don’t communicate with disrespect - While most couples understand that name-calling or belittling each other can harm their relationship, mentally strong couples also pay attention to the subtle aspects of communication that can make a significant difference (like looking up from their devices to hold a conversation). They prioritize active listening, understanding each other's perspectives, and expressing their feelings in a healthy manner. They don't blame each other for their issues - A mentally strong individual doesn't pass the buck by saying things like, "I'd be happier if my partner changed." Instead, they take ownership of their happiness. They refrain from blaming their partner for their struggles, acknowledging that everyone has the power to bring about change. They never lose sight of why they fell in love - Mentally strong couples ensure their love endures even as circumstances evolve. Career advancements, parenthood, and shifting responsibilities may make their lives look different from when they first met, but they never forget why they chose each other. Remembering why they fell in love helps them stay committed to resolving issues and working things out. They don't expect their relationship to meet all their needs - These couples don't subscribe to the notion that their partner will "complete" them. They understand that they each have to fulfill some of their own needs. Whether it's spending time with friends for recreational companionship or pursuing personal hobbies, they realize they have the agency and flexibility to meet their needs in various ways. They don't neglect their partnership - Mentally resilient couples understand that while there will be multiple demands on their attention—children, extended family, work—they can’t neglect their relationship. They discuss their priorities and collaborate to maintain their connection, even during phases of life when they're being pulled in different directions. They don't take each other for granted - The strongest couples don’t overlook the kindness, love, and affection their partner provides. They express gratitude and appreciation for each other regularly. Frequent conversations about what they value, tokens of appreciation, and genuine gratitude are integral to their partnership. They don’t stop growing and changing - Mentally strong couples strive for personal growth but also ensure they don't grow apart. They aren't intimidated by their partner's individual progress. As they secure new jobs, take on fresh responsibilities, and change their viewpoints, they make sure their relationship evolves accordingly. It's inspirational when both partners are invested in strengthening their relationship. However, often one partner may be more focused on building mental strength and strengthening the relationship than the other. The good news is that one person can significantly impact the overall health of the relationship. You can start improving your relationship by giving up any unhealthy habits that could weaken your relationship. When you make the decision to change your habits, you can grow stronger as an individual while also strengthening your relationship, even if your partner isn’t invested in building their own mental strength right away.