If you're a pastor or are shepherded by a pastor, it is important to know that the work of the pastor is hard and can have a deep impact on the leader of such work.  In this episode, we explore the emotional and psychological cost of deeply caring for others.  In today's episode, we delve into compassion fatigue, its causes, and the impact it has on individuals in helping professions. Here's what you'll learn: What is compassion fatigue and how does it differ from burnout? Professions most susceptible to compassion fatigue. Warning signs and symptoms to watch out for. Strategies for managing and preventing compassion fatigue. I'm excited to speak with Kevin Bueltmann, a pastor who helps pastors with Compassion Fatigue. He went through it himself. I encourage you to find out more about him and his ministry for pastors at https://www.shepherdscanyonretreat.org/ If you are wondering if you are burnt out and/or have compassion fatigue, we have a great conversation with practical ideas. I believe this will bless you! Blessings, Belah  PS - If we can help you with your marriage, go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc to learn all the details. Graduate Quote: Before the program… “I felt that I was not connecting as well with my wife and children as I should. I could sense my wife's frustration with me…I was tired, I was grouchy, I was irritable and it was affecting my most important relationships. It was negatively impacting them and my relationships with them, and it needed to change.” After the program… ”My overwhelming feeling coming out of this course is gratitude - gratitude for my wife, for who she is, for how she has hung in there with me and not given up on me, for how she has continued to love me for who I am. I am grateful for this course and the blind spots it has helped me recognize. I wasn't a good listener at all. I was grouchy. I was ungrateful. I was often guilty of having a transactional mindset when it came to sexual intimacy. All that has changed for the better.  It's all about the routine, and doing things [taught in the program] each day.”

I pulled out a fan-favorite episode to share today! If you haven't heard it, you don't want to miss this story. It'll encourage you. -- Mick is a dynamic, charismatic, but also a tell-it-straight kinda guy. When his marriage was shallow in terms of connection, emotionally and intimately, he jumped at an opportunity that he discerned understood him as a man and also had a proven track record for change.  After taking responsibility, the MAIN change was his heart. He shares some particulars on why that was so vital in the outward changes of his marriage. But, he began to realize who God actually is calling him to be as a husband. Mick's transformation is truly awesome. But he really took responsibility. He wasn't interested in waiting to see what happens in his marriage without intentionality. He was ready to do the work and take 100% ownership for his marriage transformation and had full accountability for himself. His heart…his change…his commitment to Christ, and then…living it out in his marriage.   I encourage you to listen to Mick's story and witness God's transformation in him. From the outside they looked great, but it wasn't until God changed his heart that their connection went to a whole new level. Maybe you need this. Maybe a friend does…and you get to be the one to share it with them (like a friend shared it with his wife, and thus God did this in his marriage and for his kids).   Love & Blessings, Belah   PS -- We'd love to see if we can serve you in a Clarity Call where you dig into your specific journey and we help you clarify the challenges, where you're going, and WHY. Go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc   Quote from another recent graduate (2024):  Before: "We were two roommates who both felt a lot of hurt and rejection.  We lived together, but never talked about the elephant in the room." After DYM men's program:  "I am so thankful to be in a loving and happy marriage that I could not have imagined only 12 weeks earlier.  I am excited every day to go home to my wife, something that I felt anxious about three months ago."    Maybe you're next? Go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Maybe you don't really understand what "servant" means in relation to your spouse.    Let's explore that together on our podcast today.   Be your spouse's servant.  That's Jesus' way.  If we believe what He said, this should not offend us but teach us how to live.   Mark 10:45: "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve..." Matthew 20:26b-28 "whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve," Matthew 23:11-12: "The greatest among you will be your servant." Luke 22:26: "the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves." John 13:14-15: "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you." Matthew 25:40: "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Mark 9:35: "Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.'" Luke 14:11: "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." Matthew 5:16: "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Luke 6:38: "Give, and it will be given to you... For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 10:27: "He answered, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"   If we truly believe Jesus, this should not offend us but free us to love and serve extravagantly.    Be your spouse's servant. For great will be your reward.    Love,  Belah    PS - Do you want help healing your marriage? We can help, and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at:  delightyourmarriage.com/cc PSS Client Testimonial: Before Delighted Wife: “Our biggest marital struggle was PRIDE. Pride sent us into a downward spiral early on in our marriage.  It went unchecked and only got worse over the years. We were both hopeless and lost.”   After Delighted Wife: “I can finally SEE! God shined a light on my pride the very first week of the program.  We had big celebrations nearly every week. I finally see my husband through God's eyes! I have grace for his imperfections and use them as opportunities to honor God by loving him through them with absolute joy.    My husband could see a change pretty instantly.  The energy in our home is positive and joyful! We've had celebrations of vulnerability and intimacy I never thought possible and finally share hope that we can actually have the marriage we've always dreamed of. We're all happier, sleeping better, and able to breathe! It's truly a miracle.”

If you've been around for a while, you may have heard that we say you must have "0 arguments" in your marriage.  "But that's not normal." "But that's not healthy." "But that means someone is not being honest." Well, firstly, it's not my rule.  Among many other verses, let's look at Romans 1:29, 30, 32; 2:1, 2. “They have become filled with every kind of wickedness... murder, strife... gossips... arrogant and boastful..."  "Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them...” "Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness... God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance" -- Let's not take God's kindness for granted. Allow His patience and kindness with us to lead us to repentance.  Let us not take liberties because we haven't been "smitten" yet. -- I'll assume we're on the same page with the thoughts around no arguments, so how do you communicate differences?  Are differences of opinion or disagreements allowed in a marriage? YES.  But the marital relationship is unlike any other relationship.  There is a unity that is not like any other relationship. Thus, things must be sorted through in a way that does not compromise unity.  It matters how healthy your marriage is right now.  Some topics may need to wait until you're healthier before it's wise to bring it up. I have several practical ways of looking at this that I am excited to share.  May God bless you in this discernment of His way in your relationship.  Love,  Belah PS - Here is a free tool called the Marital Health Assessment to help you evaluate where you currently are in your marital health: delightyourmarriage.com/health PPS - Do you want help healing your marriage? We can help, and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc Client Testimonial: Before MR: “The biggest struggles were that my wife and I had a gap between us and we were moving farther and farther away from each other. My wife would use my shared vulnerabilities immediately against me and was constantly mothering/telling me what to do and how to do it. We had physically separated in the home and arguments hinting at divorce were starting to creep in. Our marriage was sick.  Playfulness had long since gone from it, and the priorities of life and the world were weighing on us. I highly preferred not to be in the same room with her versus being around her.” After MR:  “I have grown to love my wife. I have grown to know God loves me enough to give me the miracle of a refreshed marriage—one that I’d hoped and prayed for but wasn’t sure I was worthy of the help. And I’m not. But He granted it anyway and it has made ALL the difference.  We are sharing plans and hopes for our future a lot more. We are making better decisions together.”

The definition of a half-truth is "a statement that conveys only part of the truth, especially one used deliberately in order to deceive someone." I don't know that anyone who says these half-truths is INTENTIONALLY choosing to deceive someone. I'd prefer to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. However, we must look at these beliefs and discern if they are scripturally based. Certainly, the enemy has deliberately used them to deceive and wreak horrific tragedies in marriages and families. Unfortunately, half-truths are more slippery and harder to discern than outright (obvious) lies.​ Because we see something that somewhat resembles God's way, but we haven't given it the time or held it up to scripture to discern if it is actually aligned. My hope in this episode is to help you discern truth from half-truths. Here are a few we talked about in this episode: Duty sex is bad (true... and there are things you should do to change that) Women should not feel they have to keep their husbands faithful by offering him sex (true... and she has an opportunity to love him well and fill this God-designed desire) Men should not oppress women (true... and he is designated as the leader of the home) Everyone fights and it's normal (true... and the Bible is clear that it is evil) Listen in to today's podcast: 419-Half Truths Can Destroy More than Lies Listen to the episodes on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or your favorite podcast platform I hope also you remember as I mentioned in the beginning ANYONE who has spoken these half-truths likely had great intentions. ​​Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that everyone is trying to help marriages become God's best... I hope this shines a light on how God Himself designed marriage to be, according to our guide, the Bible. Let's have charity and kindness with one another as fellow believers. We are just seeking God's way above our own.​   Love and submission to Jesus, Belah PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage. Find out how to have a free Clarity Call ($300 value!) at delightyourmarriage.com/cc PPS - A recent graduate who came first and then because of his changes the wife joined and God did amazing things (!!) wrote this: "Hi Belah, I am well, thank you! And thank you so much for EVERYTHING you've done for me and my marriage. Your positive impact on my family will resound for generations. Truly words don't do justice to the blessing that you and DYM have been to us. God is good!" Glory to God for all of it! I hope you'll allow us to journey with you and see God transform your life too! delightyourmarriage.com/cc

(This is a re-release from previously.) I used to be so weirded out by sex because I was pursuing Jesus with everything. How could my life be sold out for Christ and have to engage in such carnal behavior? Then God opened my eyes to quite a lot. I hope you’ll listen to today’s podcast with an open heart and willingness to let Him reveal His true design and desire for you in your marriage. Love & Blessings, Belah PS – We'd love to help with your marriage/intimacy please set up a call with a Clarity Advisor to see how we can help: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

"We're just so different." "We have nothing in common." "Our personalities are not compatible."   This is a big problem in marriages.  People notice differences and assume it's a bad thing.  This is understandable...but very wrong.    God, in His amazing creativity, designed your spouse and you differently.  He also made a deer look differently than an alligator. He made a duck's personality differently than an anaconda's.  He made the octopus loners, but curious, and the ant disciplined, but incredibly collaborative. Why do we assume and expect God to make two humans alike?  Especially when the two sexes are SO different in many other ways (hair growth, voice pitch, hip width...to name a few!) You're different from your spouse and it's to be marveled at as God's handiwork (Ephesians 3).  And, HE knit your spouse together (Psalms 139).  You GET to appreciate their uncommon traits. Not scowl and be annoyed at how unusual they are. This is GOD's creativity that YOU get to enjoy if you have the right perspective.    That's my invitation today.  Put on new glasses when you look at your spouse. The glasses of appreciating their uniqueness and idiosyncrasies and make that something that fills you with joy and respectful amusement and admiration. Love, Belah   PS Do you want help developing healthy mindsets like this? We can help and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc.   Client Testimonial: Before Delighted Wife:  “Coming into the program initially, things between us were very bad. We could not speak to each other at all and we felt pretty hopeless. Our home was constantly full of tension and negativity. My husband was singling out our son and taking his frustrations out on him.”   After Delighted Wife: “My biggest celebration is my shift in mindset and being able to see the good in my husband once again. Even for a long time while I was in the program, I was convinced that if my husband would "do something," things would improve. I did not realize how much I contributed to the discord in our marriage. I didn't realize how hard my heart was or how much healing needed to take place.   It has changed everything! If I were to take the marital health assessment, I think our score would still be a low number, but we are the happiest we have ever been and I am going to focus on that and on making tomorrow better than today.”

"Why can't I be fulfilled by what I SHOULD be able to?" -Higher-drive men, Higher-drive women "Why can't I get aroused by what I SHOULD be able to?"  -Lower-drive women, PI/ED men   I want to invite you to consider what brings you pleasure.  I want you to consider what causes you to ENJOY life.  At Delight Your Marriage we focus a lot of intimacy. (And this episode does too).  God has designed sex to be a way to receive pleasure.  But is it God's only way for you to receive pleasure in this amazing world? Did Jesus receive pleasure in this world? (Even without sex?)    For higher drive husbands/wives (or those in sexless marriages): You are a wo/man who doesn't receive the pleasure from sex that you crave. Jesus was tempted in every way that we are, and yet he never sinned. (HOW???) For lower-drive wives/porn-induced ED/ED men: When you go on a journey of resensitizing your pleasure to everything this amazing world has to offer, you also resensitize yourself to the amazing gift of intimacy your spouse's unique body that God gives you in marriage.  Gaining pleasure in many more things in this life is incredibly important for you to fulfill God's call in the world.  Too many leaders/pastors/preachers have secret (and sometimes horrific) sins because they have no pressure release from the HARD work of ministry.  They do not have ANY pleasure activities except sex (at least that's what they think constitutes a holy life). It's hard.  Jesus knows it's hard to resist temptation. But he had MANY ways of receiving pleasure that had nothing to do with sex He had zero "sinful outside-of-marriage sex" and he had zero "holy inside-of-marriage sex". I invite you to listen with a curious heart to how God might want to invite you to resensitize yourself to the pleasure in HIS good world (in and out of marital intimacy) so that you can do the will of the Father ...as Jesus did.   Blessings, Belah PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage be all that God wants it to be to ultimately support the life and call God wants you to have... go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for all the information of first steps! PPS -Recent wife grad: "I wish I could really express just how many celebrations I’ve had through my weeks in this program. Both alone, and in my marriage." Let's go! delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Many of our wife listeners have lower drives than their husbands. (I hear you!) And that’s just the way it is. Nothing to be done, just deal with it.    Also, if they’re like I have been, since she has a lower sex drive she just has to put up with the requirement of her to make love even though she’s less than enthusiastic about it because she has to have sex and can’t do the things she really wants to be doing. Or sometimes avoids it altogether.    I have been there. And so has Sarah.    She and I both have high drive husbands.    And we both know that sex is supposed to be a beautiful gift and a joy for him but we just couldn’t desire it even if we wanted to.     I want to allow you to hear Sarah’s heart because she knew something wasn’t right.    She loved her husband and they waited till marriage to engage sexually together, as is biblical, but her desire just wasn’t there, and it was so disheartening.    But, she rejected the idea that there was nothing she could do about it. Even when sexual assault was in her past, she hoped God could still redeem and heal her sexuality.    I’m excited for you to hear her story and see how you might be blessed by the advice and encouragement.   Her first step was sharing her story with someone who gets it. That was the free Clarity Call she had with someone who had walked this road before and can share there is hope for change!   Love, Belah   PS - Would you like help? We would love to help. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to have a compassionate and helpful conversation to evaluate if you’re a good fit for our programs.   PPS - If you’re a husband who wants his wife to do what Sarah did, the best thing you can do is work on yourself first.   From a guy who has been there, took the next steps, and did the work: “Before taking the course I would have defined our struggle as not being on the same page sexually. I thought that her view of me, and the attitudes that she held, were hurting our marriage. She thought I was too demanding and moody when my expectations weren't met. I felt she prioritized work, kids, church, her phone, etc. above me. The vast majority of the intimacy we had was duty sex.  My biggest challenge has been my lack of understanding. I didn't realize how much pain I was causing her, or how self focused I was. I was trying to get her to change and should have been working on me. I am skilled at justifying myself and passing blame on my own heart. Understanding the concepts of Safe, Known, and Cherished was a big deal. Forgiveness and apologizing have been huge. The disciplines of faith statements, gratitude, prayer, and Bible reading make for a solid start to my day. My wife has told me she feels safe. She has begun to trust that my change is not a passing fad. I have gained understanding in how to love her well. I look forward to being around her, and to pampering her and loving her well. This has overflowed into intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically.”

In approaching the new year, I invite you to rewind your calendar and consider...your marital performance in 2023. What if I asked your spouse what it was like being married to YOU this past year? Yikes! If my spouse chose to be fully open and honest I think I'd have plenty of... ehemmm... "growth-opportunities". :)   Seriously though... feel free to go back through your calendar and check out what your priorities were throughout the year. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. What was it like being married to YOU?   If marriage is your first human assignment, was that reflected in... How you spent your time? How you spoke/listened to them? How you spent your energy?   How you loved them the way he or she receives love?   Assume you're looking at your year through your spouse's eyes. What were your challenges of the year? What were the things you should celebrate?   Now that you have thought through that... We all know marriages are under attack, so what are you doing about it in your own home? You want it strong to withstand the challenges. & If you're a pastor or ministry leader, what are you doing about this for your flock or in your organization? (Aside: We have some exciting resources for ministry leaders that we'll be sharing with you in upcoming communications -- make sure you're on our email list to get notifications.)   In this episode, I have some practical next steps and things to ponder as you're setting out into this fresh year.   Love & Blessings, Belah   PS - We'd love to help heal your marriage in 2024 (as has happened many times before), feel free to take us up on our gift to you: Clarity Call. delightyourmarriage.com/cc