Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens
Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens
Casey O'Roarty
Eps 177: Casey is Solo talking about how we influence the iceberg
30 minutes Posted Mar 5, 2019 at 12:10 am.
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How we influence the iceberg

 Clients come to me to talk about kids behavior

  • Battles over homework
  • Power struggles
  • Screen time addiction
  • Getting out the door
  • We are mega focused on fixing those problems

The iceberg- behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we may or may not know about

Example that we played with a few weeks ago in parenting class:

Child won’t get ready to go in the morning and family is late getting out the door

  • Two options for response:
  • What do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate?
  • Bribes, threats, punishments
  • What is happening for this child that is getting in the way?

 Go to the source

  • Tell me about the mornings…. I notice that…. How are you feeling…..
  • With new information you can make a plan together to support the child (and you)n in doing better

Transparency

  • Rowan talking about the future
  • Agitated, closed off, defensive
  • Often my response is irritated that she cant “have” the convo
  • We both are discouraged and the convo is over
  • Maybe I am engaging the wrong conversation
  • Helpful to know what shows up for her when the invitation is to talk about future
  • What is the experience?
  • IS it only with me or others?
  • Might there be a benefit to talking with someone else if not me?
  • What would be useful about having a vision of the future?
  • Deeper even still
  • I notice when this is the conversation you….. I am curious about that? How does it feel when…..?

 Sometimes our kids refuse to go there….

  • How do we let go?
  • What do they need?
  • Recognizing/acknowledging our tendency to hold on/get rigid/ let fear or our agenda drive us….
  • Mutual respect – respect for child and for self and the situation
  • Honor who they are and their temperament
  • I am ALL IN, lets go deep and swirl around and grow and learn and be super transparent and get it all out – don’t hold back. I process out loud and in the moment…. This is not the way of everyone, def not my daughter.

 Summing it up:

  • Recognize how we are contributing to challenges
  • Own it, and get curious about your child’s experience.
  • Identify the ACTUAL problem
  • Be an open, nonjudgmental listener
  • Look for solutions (related respectful reasonable helpful)
  • Be respectful
  • Honor who you child is in word and action

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