Show notes
How we influence the iceberg
Clients come to me to talk about kids behavior
- Battles over homework
- Power struggles
- Screen time addiction
- Getting out the door
- We are mega focused on fixing those problems
The iceberg- behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we may or may not know about
Example that we played with a few weeks ago in parenting class:
Child won’t get ready to go in the morning and family is late getting out the door
- Two options for response:
- What do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate?
- Bribes, threats, punishments
- What is happening for this child that is getting in the way?
Go to the source
- Tell me about the mornings…. I notice that…. How are you feeling…..
- With new information you can make a plan together to support the child (and you)n in doing better
Transparency
- Rowan talking about the future
- Agitated, closed off, defensive
- Often my response is irritated that she cant “have” the convo
- We both are discouraged and the convo is over
- Maybe I am engaging the wrong conversation
- Helpful to know what shows up for her when the invitation is to talk about future
- What is the experience?
- IS it only with me or others?
- Might there be a benefit to talking with someone else if not me?
- What would be useful about having a vision of the future?
- Deeper even still
- I notice when this is the conversation you….. I am curious about that? How does it feel when…..?
Sometimes our kids refuse to go there….
- How do we let go?
- What do they need?
- Recognizing/acknowledging our tendency to hold on/get rigid/ let fear or our agenda drive us….
- Mutual respect – respect for child and for self and the situation
- Honor who they are and their temperament
- I am ALL IN, lets go deep and swirl around and grow and learn and be super transparent and get it all out – don’t hold back. I process out loud and in the moment…. This is not the way of everyone, def not my daughter.
Summing it up:
- Recognize how we are contributing to challenges
- Own it, and get curious about your child’s experience.
- Identify the ACTUAL problem
- Be an open, nonjudgmental listener
- Look for solutions (related respectful reasonable helpful)
- Be respectful
- Honor who you child is in word and action
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