Anxiety, depression, fears, obsession, panic, or any relationship, marriage or family issues, this show will help you achieve less stress and more happiness. Become empowered and honor yourself so that you can make decisions that are right for you. Mindfulness, compassion and being in the present moment are only components of a bigger picture. Live authentically and strengthen your emotional intelligence to avoid emotional abuse. Get to the root of emotional issues with solid relationship advice and personal help. If affirmations don't work and you're tired of being told to "think positively!", start listening to this show for a better life.
Several major components need to exist in a relationship in order for jealousy to take control. When there's jealousy between you and your partner, there is almost always a decrease in love and connection, and an increase in unhappiness and anxiety. It's time to put jealousy to rest once and for all.
When you have issues with sex in your relationship, and you don't discuss it with your partner, your relationship suffers. Or if you do discuss it and you can't reach a resolution, you will feel it throughout your time together and never be as happy as you could be. Also in this episode, I read an email from someone who disagreed with my advice.
The key to long-lasting happiness and fulfillment is about ten percent luck and ninety percent of what I talk about in today's episode.
If you struggle in your relationships, your job, or life in general, you may be sabotaging your own path to success. Start making decisions based on what's most important to you instead of from a fear of the consequences and you'll end up with a vastly different reality.
Relating to other people is the majority of how our life is spent, so what do you do when you can't relate? I cover a lot of topics in this episode, from trying to not upset the balance of a difficult relationship to learning how to not compromise yourself when it comes to creating balance in any relationship. Welcome to the grab bag email episode.
What can you do when you really want to change a person or a bad situation but can't? What if you know someone is awful to be around and unhealthy for you, but you can't get them out of your life? In this episode, I give you five steps you can take to learn what it takes become just a bit happier even when impossible people and things are in the picture.
How big of a leap do you have to take to create real change in your life? Is every step a leap of faith that causes you to carry around fear and stress all the time? Can you take baby steps to heal and grow into the person you want to be, creating the life you want? I explore that in this episode.
Guilt should be a temporary emotion yet so many people hold on to it for far too long. In today's episode, guilt takes center stage, but I spend time talking about how to make the right life choices when it comes to allowing or not allowing the challenges at home interfere with your professional life. I end the show talking about a very effective anti-anxiety technique that I use when I need a quick fix.
It can be so hard to stop replaying fears or trauma from the past or anxiety about the future, but if there was a an alternative to obessively replaying the same negative throught over and over again, would you try it? What if it was ridiculous? What if it was effective?
Only one way to find out.
Sometimes you have people in your life who regard you and your feelings as unimportant and below theirs. When you agree with their assessment that you are less important or inferior in some way and don't deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, you start to disintegrate your worth and self-esteem.
What do you do when someone you believe cares about you doesn't stand up in your defense? What if there's a wrong they don't right and you are stuck taking the fall?
The subject of today's episode is all about what we expect from others and perhaps, what we shouldn't.
When your thoughts make you feel bad because you believe you shouldn't have them, you might repress them and stuff them back where they came from. However, doing this may be exactly what keeps those negative, intrusive thoughts alive.
You can lose your confidence, energy, and mental and emotional strength when you allow certain unhealthy elements into your life. In this episode, I'll share the important principles that, when practiced, allow you to keep your power and be more fulfilled overall.
One way you can experience inner conflict is when you feel undecided in what to do next. Sometimes we can feel split: A part of us wants to do one thing while another part of us wants to do another. What if those two parts of our mind could work things out? That's what this episode is about.
Making decisions that are right for you involve some scary moments. Some of them are giant leaps of faith with no view of the landing. When you make these leaps, you reach a new level inside you that shows others that you care about yourself enough to take risks for your own empowerment.
This is an important episode if you find yourself in a rut of negativity.
How do you enable the bad behavior of other people? What actions are you taking that are causing certain people in your life to show up in a way that is toxic or unhealthy?
It's very difficult to end codependent relationships, especially when you don't even realize you're in one. This is an important episode if you just can't seem to shake the unhealthy behavior of those close to you.
Passive aggressive behavior is a way to convey anger and upset to someone indirectly. It takes the form of comments that are meant to hurt, but hard to spot as hurtful. They are forms of poisonous communication that can erode love and connection.
This episode will give you some tools to deal with passive aggressive behavior and general negativity.
Anxiety is the excessive worrying about future events, based on a story that you tell yourself. However, it's hard to change the story when you actually believe it will happen.
On top of that, the more you believe it will come true, the more likely you'll experience a panic attack. Today I share with you how I've overcome anxiety and panic attacks. My methods may be a bit unorthodox, but you might be surprised how effective they are.
For help with your anxiety, visit quietbegins.com
Dysfunctions typically don't serve us, they usually get in the way. People pleasing, super perfectionism and responsibility, allowing personal boundaries to be crossed, and so many more behaviors can be obstacles to fulfillment and joy.
Some people go their entire lives without being able to get rid of their dysfunctions. So perhaps it's time to utilize them to your advantage and stop chasing the dream of "normal".
When someone puts you down by criticizing or making you feel bad, is their criticism accurate? Do you believe it to the point where you can't let it go?
When you get into alignment with yourself morally, ethically, and sometimes even legally, you feel good knowing you are doing the best you can. And when someone tries to come along and knock you down, your solid foundation will keep you up, or at least help you get on your feet faster.
It's hard to enjoy life if you are weighed down with the belief that something bad is going to happen. How can you appreciate today if you believe tomorrow will bring misery? There is a path to a better today. This episode will give you some tools to make that happen.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to release the negative feelings that come up after someone upsets you? Or after you do something stupid and start all that inner dialogue?
You shouldn't have to walk around for days or weeks carrying around the emotions you don't want. Learning to purge the unwanted emotions in the moment might make for an entirely different type of life altogether.
What do you do when you're partner does something you don't like? Do you stay focused on their behavior and try to make them change it? Or do you shift your focus on what you can control and do what you can for yourself so that your partner can no longer use the excuse that you're giving them a hard time?
Jealousy, self-worth and self-esteem make an appearance in this episode. Sometimes the people we love do things we hate.
If you are driven by a fear of being alone and choose to repress your thoughts and feelings, avoiding conflict and trying to keep the peace, you'll find your relationships slipping into the abyss. The ones you are closest to should be the ones you can express anything to.
If you show compassion toward someone who then takes advantage of that compassion, do you back off on being kind, helpful, and accommodating? Or do you try even harder by showing them even more compassion in hopes they will finally "see the light"?
In order for compassion to work, it has to come from an even deeper place of compassion in you... not for others, but for yourself.
If your partner were having an emotional affair, would you know it? What would happen if their ex came into the picture, and they shared laughs and quality time together, would it bother you?
Today is jam packed with a lot of lessons about this subject and many more relationship issues you may run into.
Do you have any regrets? Are you upset about your behavior or a loved one's behavior from long ago and just can't seem to get over it?
Who you were in the past doesn't equate to who you are today. If you are going to get past some of the regrets or upsets from the past, you need to learn to differentiate. This episode will tell you how.
The Love and Abuse podcast is about poisonous communication and toxic behavior. This is a bonus episode on The Overwhelmed Brain feed just in case you haven't had a chance to tune into Love and Abuse. This episode is about always defending yourself with certain people. When you find yourself needed to constantly defend, it may be something that is being purposefully done to you. It's time to break that cycle.
If you want true happiness, you might have to do the scariest thing imaginable: Show up and express the most authentic version of yourself. That can be scary and difficult, and that's why it's important to address and figure out what it entails and how to do it.
Do you make small compromises with the people you love so that they will like or love you more? There are two ways to compromise: One has attached resentments, the other doesn't.
I'll give you one guess which method of compromise works better for the relationships in your life.
What if there's a better job or partner out there for you? Why in the world would you commit to what you have when there's a chance someone or something better could come along? Why commit to anyone or anything ever again when you are plagued with the fear that you may not have the best you could get?
I address the "What if?" game in a way that makes you think, so you can stop thinking "What if?"
Many fears you have can probably be traced back to a lack of knowledge or exposure. Overexposure to what you don't want creates fear. Underexposure to what you don't want also creates fear. So what does it take to become more fearless? More knowledge and exposure! If it were only that easy.
hen your family has dysfunction, family gatherings can be quite a challenge. What do you do in the midst of family drama? Do you recoil and transform into the old, pre-personally-developed you? Or do you stand firm in who you are today and love then with your healthy boundaries?
Family is the final frontier of personal growth. You don't want to miss this episode.
Part 2 of "Making decisions that are right for you and tackling obsession and overthinking once and for all". Obsessive thoughts and over analyzing can lead to terrible (or no) decision making causing you to stay in a rut that you can never get out of (or get out of really, really slowly). In this episode, I talk about what it takes to make decisions that are right for you so that you stay out of obsessive thinking and get back to a more efficient, more productive, more fulfilling life.
Obsessive thoughts and over analyzing can lead to terrible (or no) decision making causing you to stay in a rut that you can never get out of (or get out of really, really slowly). In this episode, I talk about what it takes to make decisions that are right for you so that you stay out of obsessive thinking and get back to a more efficient, more productive, more fulfilling life.
What can you do when you are getting humiliated or criticized? Are there practical methods of dealing with embarrassing situations? How about hurtful criticism? There's a lot to unpack here. This episode gets into the challenge of dealing with humiliation and criticism.
When a guilty conscience stops you from living a fulfilling life, it's time to do something about it. In part 1, I talk about an email I received from a woman who was in an emotionally abusive relationship and feels guilty because she thinks she may have been an abuser. In part 2, I talk about the steps you can take to go from guilt to great and why it's so important you release guilt as soon as possible.
When is the right time to leave that toxic person, place or thing? You can have a toxic job, you can live in a toxic city, you can be married to that toxic person, but do you leave? Should you leave? I address something that I believe plagues us all at one time or another.
What do you do about the freeloader hanging out taking advantage of your time, energy and money? How about people that just don't respect you? Do you care enough about yourself to make sure people don't treat you less than you deserve? An important episode if you have people in your life that just don't seem to care what you think.
Want to change your life? These habits may be just what you need to create the life you want. This is a small departure from your typical Overwhelmed Brain content because in this episode I introduce you to another podcast called Optimal Living Daily. OLD is like an audiobook where the hosts reads you personal growth articles every single day. One of the best things about Optimal Living Daily is that it comes at you from every angle because the articles are written by different people with different experiences. It's good to be exposed to all sorts of teachings so that you can come to your own conclusion on what works for you. Enjoy this bonus episode of TOB and subscribe to the Optimal Living Daily podcast to get more personal growth and development to improve your life.
Lots more to explore in part two of the self-help variety show. What you are upset about has an origin from the past, exploring that can heal the present. Do you stand up to your family for your significant other? Is it a good idea? How do you handle apologies and forgiveness? Should you ask for forgiveness? What happens when you partner's child doesn't accept you in their life? What do you do with the feelings of shame and anger around someone's death? Lots to explore in this New Year's edition of TOB.
I answer several questions about overcoming jealousy, people that impose their values on you, self-worth and self-esteem, getting over insecurities about body comments, letting go of intrusive, distressing thoughts, expressing yourself and more! It's the variety episode on emotional intelligence.
Some careers just don't fit. You can be happy-ish, but not necessarily happy. Or, you could be downright miserable. I invite Scott Barlow from Happen to Your Career on the show to talk about what it takes to find a career you can be happy in AND successful.
Get Scott's free 8 day mini video course on figuring out what career fits you at https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/career/
Do you give someone a second chance after there's been a conflict, toxic relationship, betrayal or something else that you swore you'd never do again? What are some positive signs that someone has changed and deserves a second chance? What should you look for? In this episode, I provide important, practical things to observe in someone who might deserve a second chance in your life.
Today's highlight is loveandabuse.com
How do you know if the relationship you're starting (or the relationship you're in) is everything you want it to be? How do you know you aren't getting led into yet another heartbreak? Learning the signs of a healthy, functioning, and even happy relationship is how you know whether the relationship is worth continuing or letting go.
As the holidays come around, you will likely meet up with family and friends. And you may also run into that toxic person or people that you don't look forward to seeing again. Dealing with toxic people requires a few tools so that you can make it through the evening or the week. This episode gives you those tools.
How many decisions do you make in your life that are actually based on what you want instead of how someone else will respond? Sometimes it takes a swift kick in the emotional behind to get moving on your decisions so that you can get out of the emotional rut of trying to please others while losing yourself.
What does it take to become the best version of you? What do you need to do for yourself so that you become more happy and more fulfilled?
This episode is all about you and what it takes to become the most supportive, compassionate person to yourself.
When you carry around an inability to be vulnerable, you can build up an emotional resistance increasing the negativity inside of you. When this happens, you end up living a life that isn't as happy or fulfilling as it could be. I explain this process in this episode.
It can be frustrating when someone doesn't understand what you're talking about. In fact, there are probably people in your life that you try to communicate with but keep ending up in arguments. In order to communicate with some people, you have to meet them where they are. That's what today's episode is about.
Silence is golden until it isn't. There are three main levels of silent treatment:
1. Processing time to figure out what you're going to do with what you just learned.
2. Cool down time as a way to regulate what might normally be a heightened response
3. A method to make someone you care about feel bad
I'll give you one guess which one I'm talking about in this episode.
Do you enable behavior that you don't like? Is it possible that the people that cause you stress do so because you are allowing it in some way? This is a very important topic that may help you get your power back if you adopt and apply the message.
Social anxiety can be debilitating. In this bonus mini-episode, I talk about one way to start thinking about it differently so that it doesn't have such a grip on you.
Take the social anxiety survey at theoverwhelmedbrain.com/safe to share your experience. Survey closes November 2018.
If they're not like you, you don't like them. If you're not like them, they don't like you. You have opinions, so do they, but should your differences separate you and cause you so much stress that you would rather lose relationships than accept people for their differences? This is a full episode with many angles, everyone will get something from it.
Also, take the social anxiety survey at theoverwhelmedbrain.com/safe
Trying to find happiness is hard enough, but trying to do it when other people are in your life (or are interfering with your life) is even harder. The first email I read is from someone who has a problem with his girlfriend smoking pot. He wants the relationship, but not the pot. The second email dives into how deeply religious parents might want to continue controlling you even after you leave the nest. This episode is all about finding your true path and making the decision to follow it.
Hurtful people do a really good job of causing us to feel bad about ourselves. Not only that, we end up repeating what they said or did to us in our mind over and over again. The emotional trauma can last for months or years. In this episode I help transform the hurtful messages from others into empowering declarations that help us move on see them for who they really are.
When you end up in a miserable relationship, who's to blame? Do you feel powerless as the relationship gets worse and worse? It's vital to see the signs at the beginning, but it's even more important what you do later on when you are heavily invested.
If you're a commitment-phobe or someone who has trouble making and committing to decisions, you probably notice your life coming to a standstill more often than you want. The solution may be a simple change that's a challenge to implement, but could transform your life. It's time to tackle commitmentphobia.
When you get that suspicious feeling that a friend, family member or partner is doing something deceptive, do you investigate further or take their word when they say nothing is going on? When you have that gut instinct kicking in, it's time to listen and perhaps even dig a little deeper just to get to the truth.
I also revisit values and what steps to take to show yourself love, respect and compassion so that you don't end up in toxic relationships.
How difficult is it to experience life to the fullest when you have a dark cloud of problems and challenges? In this episode, I help you tackle the problems in your life with many questions designed to loosen the grip emotional challenges have on you. If you can get some relief from the problems in your life, perhaps you could experience more of what it has to offer.
The best relationship, job or event in your life flashes by and now you are afraid that's the best there ever was and it will never be that good again. When you use the words, "never", "ever", and "always", you set up your present and future for a daily misery that never ends. It's time to examine the language we use and make sure we are not setting up our reality to be a nightmare.
How do you know if you are the difficult one in any relationship? Whether it's at home, with friends, or family, when everyone seems a bit unhappier than you think they should be, perhaps the common denominator is you.
In any relationship, mixed messages are the key to diminishing trust and certainty. When communication is based on deception to make others think one thing while you do or say another, you introduce confusion and sometimes even a bit of insanity.
Your level of function or dysfunction as an adult is almost always determined by the most unhealthy or toxic people in your family growing up.
When you are raised by those who couldn't love and support you as you deserved, you may have developed "broken" tools. When your emotional toolbox has a bunch of broken tools, you keep getting the results you don't want. In this episode, I help you identify those broken tools & what you can do to start utilizing them the right way, or even fixing them altogether.
People pleasing can be exhausting. Spending time and energy trying to be what you believe other people want you to be destroys relationships and wears on your emotional well-being. In this episode, I help you understand just how damaging people pleasing can be.
If you withdraw your emotions or give others the silent treatment, you may not be surprised to hear that this behavior, if repeated over and over again, can drain your relationship of love, affection, and intimacy. Over time, if not addressed, the relationship can perish.
What do you do when you've done a lot of work on yourself and feel like you've addressed the toughest issues in your life but still feel as if there is something missing? What's the secret to figuring out what's keeping you from feeling fulfilled?
By asking yourself the right questions, you'll get the answers you need.
When you find yourself throwing away compliments in place of beliefs and self-perceptions that aren't true, you stay in a self-perpetuating cycle of negativity and may never get out until you are ready to give up that sometimes you are just plain wrong.
People see us differently than we see ourselves. The problem isn't when we think we're better than others perceive us, it's when we don't believe people who say good things about us.
If you have difficulty being intimate, it might be time to stop looking at all the top ten lists on how to get closer to those you love and listen to this episode. I dive into what you need to do to increase your connection and intimacy with the people you love.
During the close, I talk about a way to stop obsessive thoughts. It's a bit unusual which is why it might work.
If you think something is wrong with the relationship but aren't sure if you should leave or if you should work on things, perhaps it's time to get an answer so that you can have some closure. In this episode I help you access the resources you need to make a choice.
There is a path out of the rut of depression, feeling unworthy, unlovable, stupid, and any of a number of other thoughts and feelings that can permeate your life. If you're in that miserable, stuck state, this episode may be a path to a door that shines the light on the dark.
If guilt holds you back from enjoying life and making good, healthy choices for yourself, it's time to let it go and gain some forward momentum.
Guilt suspends happiness and keeps you from doing what you really want to do in life. Could letting it go completely change your life? It's time to find out.
One of the main disadvantages of stuffing negative emotions is that, quite simply, you are probably not happy most of the time. Walking around with so much negativity can lead to mini explosions in your relationships. The key to clearing these obstacles from your system is to express them. But how? And to whom? And will you ever feel safe doing so?
How much are you willing to risk to have the greatest relationship you can have? How much emotional connection do you want? It seems the more the reward, the higher the risk. In this episode, I talk about how staying emotionally closed up or closed off takes away most of the human experience and keeps everyone you want to love at a distance.
Where does your self-worth come from if it isn't instilled in you from your parents or caretakers? There is a path to a higher sense of self-worth and self-esteem. It may not be an easy path, but it does exist.
Would you know if you were being emotionally abusive? There is a question you can ask yourself to determine if you are being emotionally abusive or not. Once you know the question, you can change how you communicate with anyone.
What are the steps to figuring out the challenges that come into your life? Is there a process? What happens when someone you know is going through a particular challenge, do you know what questions to ask? Join Matthew Bivens and I as we talk about our process of discovering issues and where to dig further.
Whatever fears, pain, shame, guilt and other negative emotions are lingering inside of you are preventing you from reaching empowerment and walking the path of enlightenment. This episode is all about starting that path and releasing the stream of negative emotions that may be flowing through you.
If you've ever come out of a relationship feeling unlovable and unworthy, it's time to consider the source of this false belief and how you are sabotaging yourself for future relationships. Also, I read an email about conditional versus unconditional love and just what makes up love anyway.
What happens to the relationship if after you make life plans together, one of you changes their mind? I received a letter from a woman who said that she and her husband planned on having a baby, but he has now changed his mind and no longer wants one. There's a lot to discuss in this very challenging topic.
1. That one decision you regret that changed your entire life for the better… or would it have been worse?
2. You lose the love of your life, now you know you'll never be happy again. Can you recover from losing "the one"?
3. You filter you everything you do through certain criteria. Is that filter serving you?
What are the best life lessons to learn along your journey? How do you know what your next step is? What if you're a little too introverted and can't seem to find the courage to take steps that you believe you need to take? Matthew Bivens and I have a discussion about this in this special mid-week show.
Cheating might be the end of most relationships, but many couples have survived and thrived after the affair. There are many components to infidelity. In this episode, I explore the basics of cheating and what will allow your relationship to survive and heal after the affair.
One huge mistake can change your life. When it's time to make up for that mistake, prioritize what's most important. Sometimes that means losing something you love.
Controlling someone causes them to seek their needs from someone else. What starts off seeming to be the only way to get what you want them to do turns into the very thing that drives them away
What do narcissists do that makes them so cunning? A little taste of the narcissist in this third segment will help answer those questions.
1. If your brain or your heart closes up at the thought of sharing your feelings about someone else, this first segment is for you.
2. It's vital to have someone or somewhere to express the deep negative emotions. Finding that safe person with whom to share your shame, guilt and fears may be just what you need to heal.
3. How do you get past criticism? I read a negative review of the show, then do something a little different on overcoming criticism.
1. What do you do when you lose your mentor? Here's a trick you may think is a little out there.
2. What is the biggest problem in your relationship? Cheating or worse? To heal, you may have to work on something else first
3. You can only control you.
Have you ever listened to a motivational teacher to the point where you were ready to make huge changes in your life, but after a couple days you lost all that motivation? Motivational teaching is great for building you up, but where do you go after you come back down?
Matthew Bivens joins me and we talk about wisdom and when everything in life is failing.
1. When you get angry or upset toward someone else, how quickly do you recover? Would you like to recover faster and get into a better space? I'll walk you through questions you can ask yourself that lead to change.
2. How do you feed the dysfunction of others? If you get into emotionally abusive relationships but can't figure out how to stop the abuse, you may be part of the cause.
3. You can commit to someone then re-evaluate that commitment when they don't hold up their end of the bargain.
1. If you want to change someone's life, sometimes all it takes is a heartfelt "Thank You" or compliment. But not in passing. A thank you or compliment that makes them stop and process it can be quite powerful.
2. If you are dealing with insecurities about yourself, this segment and the final segment will help you start to heal from them. I reveal one of my own insecurities for the first time on the public airwaves.
1. Without a history of breakups, your first major one can seem devastating and life ending. I help the newbie get through all the effects of the first major heartbreak.
2. When you think your relationship is horrible and you find yourself taking up all the slack for your deadbeat other half, are you creating your own misery?
3. When the person you are going to marry is telling you what to do with your money, do you feel uncomfortable? Are you being manipulated?
Do you value what your partner values? If not, you may be in for a rude awakening when they suddenly get upset with you for seemingly no reason.
What's important to you may not be important to them, and vice versa, but it might be a good idea to make it important to you since your relationship's longevity may depend on it.
1. How do you handle "no"? Do you suffer hoping the other person would follow you to the ends of the earth, or do you welcome the opportunity to be free of someone that didn't want to be with you?
2. How much of your emotions need your logic? How about your logic needing your emotions? Is it time to be fully unified?
3. A listener asks why they left if they loved. It's not always black and white - sometimes it's to save the relationship.
Asking yourself stupid questions may be the path to healing and moving through the hard stuff in your life. We often have choices when it appears we don't - stupid questions may lead to more choices.
Sociopathic people in the workplace and at home can be extremely difficult to deal with. I give you one effective method of doing so.
In codependence, there is usually a giver and a taker. I'll give you one guess who gets burnt out while the other thinks there's nothing wrong with the arrangement.
Letting go of a narcissistic parent can seem like cutting off a limb to some people, but what happens right after the moment you make the decision to cut them out of your life?
Matthew Bivens of the Having it A.L.L. podcast joins me today to discuss this very thing.
1. Race, culture and background can dictate personality and behavior. A listener writes in and asks how to get along with almost everyone.
2. A woman asks if I have any words of wisdom for her regarding a drifting marriage and isolation from family.
3. If you really want to stretch your mind, meet in person, not online. Make real connections.
Getting into alignment with a career you want is a whole lot more fulfilling then trudging through each day trying to make the career you're in work.
I talk with Scott Barlow, a regular of The Overwhelmed Brain, on finding work that fits and creating the kind of happiness in your life that you can actually get paid for.
1. The addict has a different perspective of the world according to a recovering addict that writes in to the show.
2. We're told that suffering is optional. I make an argument against it and for it.
3. Every judgment you have is a lack of acceptance in you. I help a listener understand his options when it comes to judging his girlfriend
1. Resolving issues before New Year's resolutions is a better practice for some people. If you can't keep your resolutions, it's time to change when you make them.
2. Is she is toxic like her boyfriend's ex's or is he the common denominator?
3. Is free will really free? This philosophical perspective may start the new year off with many questions.
4. If you reflect on how your year went, it's time to look at what you really value so you can plan ahead instead of review the past