The TotalSelf Considered

How is it that sex can be so pleasurable and yet so complicated and anxiety provoking? Why do couples in loving long term relationships often find it difficult to resolve issues in their sexual relationships? What are “sexual scripts” and how can they get in the way of having a more satisfying sex life? In this episode of the TotalSelf Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Mike Moran, Licensed Psychotherapist & Sex Therapist, Certified Emotionally Focused (EFT) Couples Therapist & Supervisor, Inner Bonding Facilitator and Creative Arts Therapist. Jeff and Mike unpack models of sexual response and sexual scripts, and discuss the interconnection of our sexual and relational cycles while providing examples based on real-life cases. They also address other key issues such as whether there really is such a thing as being sexually incompatible with your partner, and how partners can learn to safely stretch their boundaries while being respectful of each other and themselves.   Summary of Episode * Emotional closeness and sexual closeness * Why couples in monogamous relationships might have more difficulty in there sexual relationships than partners who are casually dating  * Emotional/relational – sensual/sexual cycles and how they are different but closely linked * Big difference between playing it safe and feeling safe  * Models of sexual response * Seeing one’s domestic partner through the erotic lens * 1st model of sex: excitement (arousal) – plateau – orgasm – resolution * Evolution of the early model of sex: importance of desire and willingness * Negative cycles triggered by a partner initiating sex and getting rejected * Emotional connection and how it plays differently into sex for different people * Desire first or arousal first * Negative cycles triggered by lack of feeling safe and lack of open communication * Sexual scripts: how does our erotic energy come alive * Factors that influence sexual scripts – gender expectations, cultural norms * Feedback loop that builds erotic energy * An example of a couple dealing with disconnection very differently from each other * Does sexual incompatibility really exist?  * Difficulty for partners to tolerate seeing the ways in which they are different * Sex as a power exchange * The importance of getting curious and taking risks * Personal boundaries  * Fetishes and relational cycles * Increasing acceptance and expanding scripts * Playfulness – key to getting out of our heads and cultivating erotic energy  * Truth about our brains being the biggest sex organ * How therapist help people re-remember the receded, no longer used aspects of themselves Quotables “If this person’s so important to you that it would be a real loss if things were not to work out – when that’s the case, sometimes it’s very difficult to come forward and risk letting our partner into our more vulnerable feelings.” – Mike “There’s the relational cycle and there’s the sexual cycle, and they’re different systems, different cycles but they’re inextricably linked.” – Mike “It could be counterintuitive to think we’re in such a loving relationship, why would we be having this confusion, this anxiety… but there’s a lot to it when people are letting their armour down to be able to engage with each other at that intimate level, sexually” – Jeff “When we’re helping couples, we want to help them realize that they’re playing it safe,

In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Zoya Simakhodskaya, a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy and sexual relationships. An experienced therapist, instructor, and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) practitioner, Zoya brings her insights from many years of working with couples and educating therapists about the importance of addressing sexual issues in relationships. Jeff and Zoya discuss what goes into a healthy, satisfying sex life and why people avoid talking about sex. Together, they break down common patterns that lead to issues in sexual relationships, and the personal, social and cultural factors that complicate the issues, and share some advice for couples who may be struggling.

When we’re injured we want answers. We want someone to tell us what is wrong and what to do about it. Yet all too often, people in pain find themselves on the medical merry-go-round. They go to multiple doctors and other providers only to find that their pain remains unchanged or worsens. And because pain causes not just physical but also emotional suffering (hopelessness, despair, and frustration), sometimes people stop trying to find new ways to heal. The good news is that yoga, though familiar to many in our culture but rarely viewed as a viable modality to treat and manage injuries and pain, may be just what the doctor didn’t order!

Why do so many couples fight about the same things over and over? What are the obstacles to sending clear emotional signals that allow partners to respond to each other with empathy and compassion? How can partners learn to work together to defeat the common enemy in their relationship, the negative cycle? In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Wendy Tomkiel, a certified EFT therapist and supervisor who is also trained in AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), and ISTDP (Intensive Short Term Dynamic Therapy). Wendy and Jeff breakdown the anatomy of a couple’s fight, by explaining the primal wiring that all humans have, and the ways attachment needs shape our reactions to each other. Through typical examples of negative cycles, they pinpoint how EFT helps couples slow down enough to see their own movements in a cycle, and access more options when they start to fall into old patterns.

In this episode of the TotalSelf Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Erika Muraski, physical therapist extra-ordinaire. Erika was a competitive ice-skater until she had a career ending injury. She had always wanted to be a physical therapist and the experience of getting hurt and having to give up the sport she loved has made her highly attuned and compassionate to the needs of her patients. Jeff and Erika discuss back pain and treatment approaches from multiple perspectives: first, Erika explains the physical structure of the spine and surrounding soft tissue, and the related “mechanical” issues or imbalances that can lead to back pain. After going over the symptoms of various types of back pain, and when one should seek medical attention, Jeff and Erika delve into the impact of lifestyle factors, particularly the role that our sedentary lifestyles and stress have for so many of us experiencing back pain. There’s an overwhelming amount of recommendations out there to reduce back pain – core strengthening, zero drop shoes, standing desks, stretching, ice, heat, doing more, doing less, laser therapy – but which of these actually help? Listen to the episode to find out.

In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Dr Scott Hirsch, a clinical associate professor in the Departments of both Neurology and Psychiatry, as well as Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU Langone. Dr Hirsch shares his insights on our current understanding of mental illness and medications used for treatment, including medical marijuana. As a practitioner who has been exploring the mind-body connection for many years, Jeff is very interested in how Dr Hirsch integrates psychiatry and neurology in his practice. They discuss the distinction between neurologically based disorders and other conditions, how the brain and mind interact, how medications work in treating epilepsy, depression, anxiety and other issues, and the role medical marijuana can play in treating certain disorders and opioid addiction.

In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Dr Laurie Freeman, a licensed psychologist, certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist/Supervisor (EFT), and a certified Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapist (AEDP). Jeff and Laurie breakdown how this approach works and discuss why the outcomes after therapy are consistently positive. They also present a vignette of a distressed couple going through a series of agonizing negative interactions, explain the dynamics and patterns underneath, and highlight how EFT can help the partners to resolve their underlying issues.