Out of This World Relationships - Unlocking God's Design for Parenting and Marriage

Talking about sex begins with understanding the human body It is never too early to start teaching your kids about their sexuality Name parts appropriately – eliminating shame, when we are afraid to name genitalia or talk about bodies it teaches our children to be ashamed/uncomfortable with it too, teaching pride in gender, protection from predators Teaching healthy curiosity - get ahead of the bus Touching and exploration is normal - guide appropriate curiosity Don’t freak out or assume deviancy or sexual abuse because of curiosity – openly communicate about curiosity Don’t lie or avoid questions about sex, answer honestly Age appropriate examples – having babies requires a mommy and a daddy, like chickens have eggs, mommy’s have eggs too Book Recommendation: Who Has What?: All About Girls' Bodies and Boys' Bodies (Let's Talk about You and Me) by Robie H. Harris

Preventing sex is one thing, and it is an important thing, but there are other unrealized consequences of leaving our kids ill-equipped to manage the complexities of sex even if they choose to wait. There is an incorrect assumption that if our sons and daughters wait to have sex that everything will come naturally and be great. This just isn’t true, spending years face to face with broken women and couples whose marriages are struggling and failing due to intimacy and sexual dysfunction issues has taught me that we are not doing enough to support our young people when they choose to wait. I have had so many clients who chose to wait to have sex only to find out that it was not at all the beautiful thing they were told it would be. The anticipation and expectations that go along with that belief just maximized their trauma. The kind of trauma that can taint a marriage or end a marriage in the long run. The following layer of information is critical for your kids who are in a serious dating relationship, getting ready for marriage, or deciding to have sex. Part of the sex talk is acknowledging that sex is not what it looks like in porn or on tv for most people and it definitely isn’t for anyone their first few times. Many young women believe that getting pregnant is easy and are unaware that complications may happen. They are also unprepared for the potential to have pain or complications with intercourse itself. There are many ways that we can prepare our sons and daughters to have a healthy sexual experience. If your child is in a serious relationship that is headed toward marriage talk with them about ways they can have a more successful experience, and prepare them for the potential of a problem, doing this will reduce anxiety, the likelihood of trauma, and the kind of sexual dysfunction that could impact their marriage for the long haul. I understand the weirdness associated with idea of teaching your kids to how to have a good sex life but let’s think about his for a minute. We potty train them, teach them how to drive safe, how to cross a street, how to excel in school and manage their finances. Why is it so weird to help them be successful in one of the most important aspects of the most important human relationship they will have in their lives? It doesn’t make sense not to help them but for so many it is awkward and out of the question. Don’t let the only thing you equip your daughter with be a bunch of lingerie she wont ever wear from her bridal shower. Panty and lingerie party’s are great but consider also having the mature women in your family or community share wisdom and tips on a notecard that she can read later. She may not realize it then but if things go a little sideways she will have that wisdom and insight to keep her from feeling like she is alone in it or that there is something “wrong” with her. This doesn’t have to be complicated or invasive, it can be as simple as equipping them with faith-based reading material about sexual pleasure, mutual satisfaction, pregnancy, and common sexual dysfunctions. Or Preparing a honeymoon care package with lubricant, wet wipes, the notecards from the bridal shower, and other helpful things. That small gesture could be the difference between a great first experience and a traumatic one.

Things don’t always go the way we want them to, we can say and do all of the right things but nothing is a guarantee, your child has free will, they are going to make their own decisions and sometimes that leads to pre-marital sex. Make sure the door is open to them if they decide to take this path. Many parents with strong convictions take a passive-aggressive or aggressive approach to these situations. Their child feels abandoned and rejected which just leads to more unhealthy sexual behavior. Kids often turn to sex to try to fill an emotional or relational void so being angry or avoidant is the last thing they need from you. This is rough I know it is so you may need to take a time out before you respond, time outs are not for our kids they are for us, sometimes we need time to organize our feelings and formulate a healthy response before we can enter into a triggering conversation. A crucial step in this is to not take your child’s sexual decisions personally, taking them personally will put your feelings in front of theirs. It is sad, you are hurt, you are disappointed but it is their mind, their body, their spirit, and their heart that will carry the weight of that decision for the rest of their lives. Remind yourself that you did your best but they belong to God, say a prayer, and trust him to guide you and your child. Think about the big picture, you know how you are feeling and want to react now but would sharing that lead to the outcome you want with your child? Take a few deep breaths and think about what the kind of parent you want to be would say. It may sound strange but when we are triggered we tend to forget the parent we want to be and respond like the parent we don’t want to be. James 3:3-6  says “The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.” Our words matter, we have the potential to permanently damage the relationship we have with our kids if we are not careful. Its not that we cant be angry even God the perfect father gets angry but its being intentional about how we express it. An example of a response is “Thank you for sharing this with me, I want to discuss this with you but I need a few minutes to process it first, I love you, stay right here and I will be back in a few minutes” Scream into a pillow, punch your bed, pray, breathe and then circle back. If your child hasn’t told you but you found out some other way you have the time to sort your feelings out before you approach them. Consider writing out your feelings and what you want to say to them, just like before think about the big picture and write it out until you feel good about your response. You may not be fully prepared for how you are going to feel in front of them so a time-out may still be helpful but make sure you are in the right frame of mind before you even go into the conversation. The same rules apply as the initial sex talk, make sure you are in the right environment and have enough time to sort through the mountain of emotions and information that is sure to surface. If your child is having sex there is a reason, ask them to share with you how and when they decided to take that step. Ask them if they feel safe in their relationship and whether or not they are choosing to have sex because they want to or because it is expected of them. Blame is a dead-end street, don’t get caught up in who is to blame the focus is ensuring that your child and their sexual partner are safe.

Be real with them about the emotional consequences of having sex outside of marriage. Most kids have a friend or know of kids who hop from relationship to relationship. One week they love each other and the next they are broken up. Using an example that they can connect to is more productive than explaining it on our terms. Since you have already explained the bonding process and God’s design they will be able to connect with the idea that big feelings are real but that they can change rapidly. Talk to them about the fact that they may have strong feelings for someone one day (some of you may have kids that already do) and will find themselves being drawn to sexual behavior. This is an excellent way to open the door to your kiddo coming to you when they are struggling to manage these feelings. So often, kids want to do the right thing but they are terrified to tell us they are thinking about doing the wrong thing. Parents, sometimes we do this, we will get angry over a thought or a feeling that our child shares that triggers us, by doing this we are teaching them to be afraid to share anything that isn’t positive or what we want to hear. Openly discussing and accepting that our kids are not perfect and will have temptations and impulses, sets the stage for them to come to you when it really matters. Discounting the fact that kids can have big feelings like love does not make those feelings go away, it is better to validate them and educate them on how those big feelings can lead to permanent decisions that hurt them and the person they say they love. Let them think about how many breakups they have seen and discuss the depression, anxiety, and bullying that often results from premature sex. Your kids need to know that God created sex to be enjoyed but he restricts it for our good. He knows that while we can do it, if we choose to do it outside of mature commitment, there are painful consequences. Having sex before marriage does not make your child unlovable, they need to know that you and God will still love them but that you and God both want the same thing for them, to avoid heartache, pain, and potentially permanent consequences from having sex with the wrong person at the wrong time. It would be nice if our kids chose not to do it just because the Bible tells them not to but the reality is they have to develop an emotional and spiritual connection with their own values in order to be successful in maintaining healthy boundaries and self-control. Set them up to have more freedom by having better protections in place. Chaperone them, make them hang out and hold conversations in common areas. Don’t take a hands-off approach and never apologize for being a parent. It is not hovering or being overly protective of your children to monitor and protect them. The concept of giving kids adult-level privacy is a new and very detrimental trend. Have open communication with the parents of their love interest. Explain the differences between lust and love, having things in common, enjoying their company, and having easy conversation is not love. Pursuing someone because you think they are hot, have a nice body, or you are sexually aroused/curious around them is not love. Love is a spiritual, emotional, and physical connection with someone that is rooted in unconditional regard for who they are as a person. It is the ability to recognize that they have flaws and differences but choose to accept them as they are. It is the ability to be yourself (not feeling like you need to change yourself or be someone you are not to keep them interested in you) and a willingness to work through deficiencies and hardships, prioritize the relationship, and share mutual commitment. Share scripture with them concerning love to help them understand that the kind of love that bonds people together for a lifetime develops over time. Read more at www.outofthisworldrelationships.com

To read a full outline of this loaded episode visit www.outofthisworldrelationships.com, a full summary will be available there! Contact me for details about Relationship and Parenting Coaching, suggestions, and questions. Please leave a written review and share it with parent friends who need it! @tamera.nicole.rasmussen tameras@[email protected]

To read a full outline of this loaded episode visit www.outofthisworldrelationships.com a full summary will be available there! Contact me for details about Relationship and Parenting Coaching, suggestions, and questions. Please leave a written review and share with parent friends who need it! @tamera.nicole.rasmussen tameras@[email protected]

So often we see puberty as a male and female issue, mom handles the girls and dad handles the boys. When we function this way we are missing a huge opportunity to connect with our opposite gender kids and model gender roles in marriage. When fathers are involved and present for their daughters - willing to comfort them, shop for feminine products, and are unashamed of them becoming a young woman, their daughters will gravitate toward men with similar qualities later in life.  When mothers are involved and present for their sons - able to express compassion, understanding, and encouragement, their sons will gravitate toward women with similar qualities later in life.  Mothers and fathers have unique perspectives and when they share a common interest in all areas of their child's development it creates security.  When fathers model supportive behavior toward wives and daughters to their sons, their sons are more likely to become supportive husbands. Boys don't just grow up to be loving, supportive, and compassionate husbands and fathers it is something they must learn. Engaging the boys in the house about what a woman goes through to bear them children can increase respect, reverence, and compassion for their mothers, sisters, and future wives.  Girls and boys are prone to masturbation during puberty. Their bodies are changing rapidly and they are experiencing new sensations, curiosities, and thoughts. It is believed that boys struggle with this more than girls (though we may never really know because many teens are reluctant to answer honestly) and we know that pornography and sex addiction also weigh more heavily on men.  Many parents take a "just don't do it" stance on masturbation, negating the fact that there is far more to it than just sexual pleasure. During puberty boys struggle to control their impulses, their penis seems to take on a life of its own and there can be a lot of shame and embarrassment that goes along with that. Addressing this issue realistically is always best, acknowledging that it is difficult and giving them insight into the dangers of lacking self-control is far more productive.  Instead of shaming them discuss the power and importance of self-control, we all want to do things that feel good or that we think are fun, but that does not mean that we should. Our kids need to know that even adults have boundaries and must exercise self-control to remain healthy. Many boys would never imagine that masturbation could lead to long-term sexual dysfunction or addiction, they can't know what we don't tell them.  The next episode will dive into the specifics of how to talk to your teens about sex, help them understand what sex is really like for teenagers, the spiritual, emotional, and relational consequences, and some of the pressures they are facing that you may not know about.  Please consider rating and leaving a written review on your favorite listening platform, it will help others who need it to find this podcast! IG - @tamera.nicole.rasmussen Facebook - @tamera.rasmussen Website - www.outofthisworldrelationships.com

Boys and puberty – Boys struggle with many of the same things that girls do in puberty. Unfortunately, there is generally very little attention paid to their development process when it comes to emotions, shame, insecurity, mood, and bullying. It is important to acknowledge that development happens for both genders and as parents we need to be aware and meet the needs of sons and daughters through this transition.  Girls and puberty – Girls struggle with intense changes in their emotions, an increase in shame, often related to body changes, insecurity, and confusion or angst over starting their period. Pay attention to your daughter/s shifts in mood, attitude, and response beginning around age 9-11. There is a lot going on in her body and shifts in mood and emotion can gives us clues about where they are in the puberty process. Women in the home are known to sync cycles which means that you may see patterns of her mood changing around the time of mom's cycle. Begin having open discussions about the changes her body is making and how that can affect mood, emotionality, and irritability.  Listen to the full podcast episode to learn a great strategy for preparing your daughter to start menstruation, especially if she is not at home when it happens.  It is critical not to speak death over the relationship you have with your daughter/s during the teenage years. Rather than jumping on the bandwagon that says you are doomed to a horrible relationship for the next few years, focus your attention on helping her recognize mood shifts, sensitively bring attention to hypersensitivity, avoid shaming at all costs, track her menstruation so you know what’s coming and help her prepare for hormonal spikes that may occur just before or during her cycle. Furthermore, understand the importance of modeling a healthy response to PMS-related issues as a mother. Our culture has really promoted the idea that procreation is a female thing, while it is true that women bear the burden of pregnancy and childbirth, thanks Eve, the idea that babies are exclusively a woman’s choice and responsibility has relieved men of taking responsibility and minimized the significance of their role in creating and raising children. A father’s responsibility should not be viewed as primarily financial, we should be encouraging men to see themselves as essential to the spiritual, emotional, physical, and psychological well-being of their children, because they are! If the absence of a father can do the kind of harm we are seeing it stands to reason that God’s design for parenting required mutual participation (you cant have a baby without a man and woman coming together), He intended for there to be equal investment and responsibility between a mother and a father. Developing a sense of accountability, reverence, and investment in the process of child-rearing for boys depends on a caregiver’s willingness to teach and model it. The opportunity to build in that perspective ramps up in the pubescent years.  Be sure to join me next week for part two of this changing bodies episode where we will be talking about a common puberty issue for boys and how to incorporate fathers and sons into the equation of menstruation for the women in the home. It may sound like a strange concept but I’m hopeful that you will stick with me and see what a difference it can make to teach and model compassion, respect, and understanding for the female experience. Please consider rating and leaving a written review on your favorite listening platform, it will help others who need it to find this podcast! IG - @tamera.nicole.rasmussen Facebook - @tamera.rasmussen

I believe that healthy sexual behavior and relationships are possible for the next generation if we are just willing as parents to put in the work.  One of the biggest issues with teen dating is a lack of foundation work in the primary years and parents being too hands-off with their teens. 16 is the age when most kids gain a lot more freedom, they start driving and being more independent but it is also a time when kids tend to be most at risk. We don’t need to treat our teens like adults. They are still developing and no matter how awesome, responsible, and studious they may be they are still human and have raging hormones. The concept that kids deserve privacy is a new concept that has really hurt our kids, parents need to be involved in the things they are doing. We need to monitor their texts and social media and have clear and consistent boundaries on how they spend their time. They need to have consistent bedtimes and screen time limits. These boundaries are not an infringement on their rights, this is active parenting. If we want our kids to have healthy friendships and dating relationships we need to help them by creating boundaries they cant create on their own. When adolescents spend too much time with their peers they are at risk for enmeshment, there needs to be a time to disconnect with their peers and connect with their families every day. An example of risky behaviors includes staying up all night on the phone - sometimes even “sleeping together” with phones connected at night, and dating teens being allowed to spend time alone together without supervision. This isn’t about control, this is about setting a standard. Kids can only do what we allow them to do, If we give them all the freedom in the world we can't expect them not to abuse it. The concept that teenagers want nothing to do with their parents is false. Do they want more autonomy to discover who they are, sure, but they still very much need a connection with mom and dad. They need to know that we are big enough and strong enough to protect and guide them, that gives them security. Their pushback is often a miscue which can make it difficult to recognize what they really need but it is important to remember that what they say they want isn't always aligned with what they need. Boundaries actually allow our kids to have more freedom - if we are checking in with them and are involved in their lives there is greater security, trust and less temptation for them to cross lines that will hurt them. Get to know the people your kids are gravitating toward. Instead of being afraid of allowing connection think of it as an opportunity to have greater influence; the bonus is getting to know another great kid and building a relationship with someone your child values. Having a relationship with the people your kids like helps them feel valued but it also increases the level of respect that their people have for you and your boundaries as parents.  Get to know the parents. This applies to all ages, being involved and setting the tone early on can really impact the kind of people and relationships your child pursues later on. Rather than it being an age consider making It more a matter of character. Dating criteria should be based on your childs level of maturity, respect, and responsibility. You get to set the tone for what your child's relationships look like, remember they need you to set them up for success by preventing opportunities for them to cross boundaries that they are developmentally unable to avoid on their own. Do not take their behaviors personally. Kids are imperfect humans just like the rest of us. They will make mistakes and curiosity and poor self-control may win over sometimes but that does not mean they are doomed or that you have failed as a parent.  IG: tamera.nicole.rasmussen Facebook: Tamera.Rasmussen 

Most sources agree that the average age of virginity loss in the United State is 16. Not surprisingly one of the main factors attributed to early sex is a lack of sex education at school and at home. You may also find it interesting that boys generally lose their virginity first followed by girls. You may be wondering why I am focusing on dating as a precursor to talking about sex with your kids, but think about it attraction and dating actually come first which is a fact that is largely overlooked when we think of sex education for our children? Why is the concept of dating so important? If we have a casual attitude toward the relationships our kids keep at any age we are walking a dangerous path. The relationships that they form early in life have a significant impact on the kind of relationships they will have as adults.  It may be uncomfortable but putting our heads in the sand about the power of attraction for our primary-aged kids does nothing but hurt them. Rather than seeing this as scary or inappropriate, I want to encourage you to see this as an amazing opportunity to guide your kids on how to navigate their relationships with the opposite sex. For some of you, the idea of your kids starting to explore their sexuality or having relationships is a trigger. If you find that you feel paranoid, angry, or overly emotional when you think about it, that is an indication that you have unresolved trauma of your own. When we have had bad experiences as children it isn’t uncommon to project that onto our kids. It is important to get some therapy and love yourself and your kids enough to resolve those issues so that you can be present for them in their unique experiences. Whether you realize it or not, taking a casual stance toward dating often equates to a casual view of sex for our kids. I say this because sex is a big part of their world, it is everywhere for them.  That saying “ everyone is doing it” is not too far from the truth. It is abnormal to be a virgin past the 10th grade and instead of wearing virginity with pride as kids did back in the day, these kids are actually afraid of ridicule from their peers. That is a heavy burden to bear but if we are intentional about instilling confidence, understanding, and values our kids will be well equipped to withstand the lashings of popular culture. So how do we do this? First, we must not be afraid of our kids liking other kids, shame and fear culture has done significant damage to Christians and that trend can stop with our kids. Being anxious or paranoid teaches our kids that they need to hide their thoughts, feelings, and opinions.  We need to be intentional about instilling values into how our kids see the people they are attracted to. Challenging them to look for values, qualities, and spiritual similarities over physical appearance and status. It is not uncommon for adults to view crushes, dating, and adolescent relationships as a phase or no big deal but statistics show otherwise. There is a fair number of people who wind up marrying their Middle School or High School sweetheart and a growing number of people are marrying someone they dated as an adolescent following a divorce. Humans are creatures of habit and we tend to go back to what we know and are comfortable with, early relationships have an imprinting effect.  One way that we can guide our kids is by teaching them that every relationship is an interview for their future spouse. Incorporating spiritual leadership is extremely important. Pray with your kids for their future spouse. Begin instilling a sense of love and care for the person they will eventually meet and spend the rest of their lives with. Encourage your kids at any age to pray for and with their friends and their love interests. Finally, openly share with your kids all the ways that God has shown up in your own marriage!