Never Fry Bacon Naked: And other life lessons!

What is the 4th of July to a Slave?  - Frederick Douglass    Music by:  Madison Rising - Star Spangled Banner     If you like the show will you share it and tell someone you liked it? If you’d like to support the show buy me a coffee:  https://buymeacoffee.com/kennblanchard 

Dog Gone. A love story.   Want to support the show?   Https://buymeacoffee.com/kennblanchard 

The story of my sons birth.     the picture on the cover art are of my daughter and son.   https://buymeacoffee.com/kennblanchard 

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The time I interviewed Ginger Lynn, adult entertainment icon of the 80s, actress and radio host and caught hell from a bunch of people.   Support the show:  https://buymeacoffee.com/kennblanchard    https://blanchardnetwork.com 

The time I was rescued by dolphins.  If you like the show please share this episode.  If you want to support me, here's a easy link.   https://buymeacoffee.com/kennblanchard

I fell asleep on my motorcycle.  Praise the Lord I am still here.  Here's what happened.  Don't tell my mother.   https://buymeacoffee.com/kennblanchard

The Gift of Tongues   One man’s gift by the Spirit is to speak with wisdom, another’s to speak with knowledge. The same Spirit gives to another man faith, to another the ability to heal, to another the power to do great deeds. The same Spirit gives to another man the gift of preaching the word of God, to another the ability to discriminate in spiritual matters, to another speech in different tongues. Behind all these gifts is the operation of the same Spirit, who distributes to each individual man, as he wills.  1 Corinthians 12:11     I had been feeling kinda bad and didn't want to go to church on Sunday.  I was living the single life at the time.  Going everywhere and no where at the same time.  In a weeks time, I had worked out, ate at a restuarant, worked 40 hours, read a little and wondered a lot what was going to happen in my life.  It was Sunday morning, again. I had gotten up early enough to attend church but wasn't feeling it.  To top it all off I was in Brazil.  I was new here. I was taking Portuguese language classes in the Embassy but it was going slow.  I was missing something.  I think it was God.  I knew who he was.  I had heard folks talk about God my whole life.  I had be baptized in a African American Baptist church.  I had been to Sunday School.  I was an adult now.  Whoopie I thought.   I got out of bed and got on my knees.  God help me, a sinner.  Forgive me, a sinner. Give me the ability to communicate, help me to stop stuttering, be with me in this place.  I got up and got dressed.  I had the embassy driver take me to a Christian church in the capital.  The streets were empty this morning and we got there early.  I went in and an usher gave me a Bible. It was in Portuguese.  What am I doing, I thought.  Who am I fooling?  Church started and because I had been in somebodies church my whole life I knew what to do even if I didn't understand any words other than the ocassional Jesus Christ reference in Portuguese.  If this church was like the one I grew up in, I was going to be embarassed soon when the church acknowledged vistors.  I would stand  and people would clap and then the worship would continue.  Someone might exend a hand to me, or smile.  That is the norm.    The spirit was high this morning and I was enjoying worship.  I really wanted to understand what was going on so I prayed that the Lord would let me understand, that He would help me learn this language so I could worship Him. I was looking forward to telling my State Department language instructor that I had went to church and was trying to immerse myself in Brazilian culture.  She might even be proud of me.  Language class for free, and available to all the Americans in the Embassy but few took advantage of it.  She was alway alone when I went to classes.   I felt a breeze blow through the church as we stood to sing and praise God.  The worship leader said a lot of stuff and I opened the Bible they gave me and the Words suddenly made sense to me.  Wow, I thought those few classes I had were working. And then the words of the pastor started making sense to me.  I was understanding. Hey was this a Pentacost moment?  Realizing I was now understanding everything, conversations left and right of me, the songs, I shouted out, I understand, I understand.   A miracle had just happened.  I wanted to tell someone.  it was like bringing water to the beach. Nobody quite understood what had happened to.  I grabbed the Bible again and started reading out loud.  I had just been given the gift of language.  The Lord had heard me, answered me and gave me a gift.   The pastor seeing that something was going on, called out to me.  I introduced myself and excitedly explained what happened.  The people around me, didn't know what to think.  I was ok.  I was better thank ok.  the Holy Spirit had come by and done something to me. To me, I want to be able to speak many languages. If its OK Lord.  This God thing is real.  WOW!  whatelse does this mean?   I don't remember the sermon or anything else after that.  I was on fire in my seat.  Everytime the pastor said something I remember saying I understand, I understand. I wanted to call my grandmother and then I remembered she had just passed away.  I really didn't know any clergy or theologist to share this with so I kept it to myself. Was I supposed to be in minsistry now?  Naw, not me.  but what does this mean?   When I went to class the next day, I walked in with a smile.  The teacher suggested I learned a childs nursery rhyme to help me learn Brazilian Portuguese.  She gave me a long one, I tried to memorize it.  When I returned to class the following week I proudly recited the house that jack built. She changed the name to Pedro and instead of built - its what he did.     Esta é a casa que Pedro Fez. Este é o malte Isso estava na casa que Pedro Fez. Este é o rato, Que comeu o malte Isso estava na casa que Pedro Fez. Este é o gato, Isso matou o rato, Que comeu o malte Isso estava na casa que Pedro Fez. Este é o cão, Isso preocupou o gato, Isso matou o rato, Que comeu o malte Isso estava na casa que Pedro Fez. Esta é a vaca com o chifre amassado, Que jogou o cachorro, Isso preocupou o gato, Isso matou o rato, Que comeu o malte Isso estava na casa que Pedro Fez.

"Wise people think before they act; fools don't--and even brag about their foolishness."  Every prudent man dealeth with knowledge: but a fool layeth open his folly. --Proverbs 13:16     I love fishing.  I would fish in a puddle if it looked promising.  I’ve tried to fish everywhere I have been longer than a day.  The odd thing is I don’t eat that much fish.  I almost always give it away.  That is part of the fun for me too.  To give.   I got a chance once to fish in the Amazon River. It was on an overnight camping trip with a couple of guys from the Embassy.  I lived in Brazil for two years and loved almost every minute up it.  It would have been the entire time if I knew how much a blessing time is.  I appreciate it now more that I am older.  Way older. I am so old I dialed a rotary phone, while listening to an 8 track play music from a recently released music from Al Green, next to a black and white television that only had 5 channels.  And the fifth channel was fuzzy as it was in Baltimore and didn’t come in that clear. Anyway, I rode a couple of hours in a car with two older guys to a secluded area that I am sure nobody that looked like us had ever been.  We set up camp, pulled the Jon boat off the top of the vehicle and prepared to fish.  Looking around, it looked like any other place.  There was a good sized stream that led to the mighty river somewhere.  The ground was red clay for the most part with trees and native shrubbery everywhere.  There were small mountains of ant hills not too far from our tent that looked like stalagmites 2-4 feet high.   I had never fished in this part of the world and was wondering what kind of bait we were going to use. Charlie the counselor officer that later married one of the telephone operators in the Embassy showed me a fishing net, and some spoon lures we were going to spin cast.  The net was a bust.  I tried it and tried it and tried to cast it out like Charlie had.  I even waded in the water knee deep to hurl it out to no success.  Charlie and Lou caught some peacock bass with just the spoon lures and got excited.  I got my rig together and moved down the bank and casted where they were having success.  Like magic and feisty Peacock bass hit the lure that I guess looked like a silver fish and took off.  It put up a good fight before giving up and coming on shore as I reeled it in.  We caught enough for a great dinner.  You could hear the strange sounds of monkeys and Brazilian birds as we laughed and fished into the evening.  We stopped and prepared for dinner.  At the campsite we cooked the fish and talked about the entertainment for the evening.  Charlie said he wanted me to get my first alligator.  I was excited.  I wanted to get a alligator skin to put on my wall like I saw on the living room décor of one of the secretaries at the embassy. And maybe I could get cowboy boots made out of them.  I wondered where the alligator were and who hard it was to kill one.  I soon found out. It got dark fast after we got on the three person aluminum boat that was basically a fat canoe.  It had a small trolling motor that moved us effortlessly down the stream and around a bend that opened to a jungle scene right out of a Tarzan movie.  We could have been in the everglades or the Zambezi river for all I knew.  The jungle on either side of the stream was dense and dark but loud with sounds.  Charlie tied a two pronged fork to a pole he had.  The gaff was made for pulling fish into a boat I believed.  When he finished that he connected a spotlight to a small brick sized battery he brought onboard. I sat in the middle and felt like I was on a ride in a theme park.  The boat putted along.  Charlie took the light and aimed it at the areas under the trees, unseen things jumped out of the way.  Once when he had it pointed at the water I saw a manatee only a few feet from the boat.  It looked like a cow complete with a big spot on its side gliding away from us.  I didn’t see how something so doughy looking could float.  It looked like a four foot clay hippo a child had made. Not the prettiest thing I have ever seen but it still was amazing.  Then we saw a bunch of eyes on the horizon.  There they are Lou whispered.  Gators.  We are going  to cozy up to one for you Bubba and then you can take this gaff and get one.  Charlie handed me the staff with the metal tines on it.  As I sat there mesmerized.   There was no safety net, no fence, no barrier between us and everything around us.  It was an amazing experience.  Looking at the makeshift spear, it dawned on me that I was the one that was going to battle with an alligator in the amazon.  I had questions.  HEY. How is this supposed to work, I asked the guys.  Well he said, we are going to sneak up on one, and you are going to stand up and hit him right in the neck.  The motor paused and the light spotlighted a couple of reptiles watching us watch them.  The boat moved closer and I said –we really going to do this.  My voice rang out in the silence of the night.  Everything got quite and the alligator submerged themselves and took off.   C’mon man, you gotta be quieter if we are going to catch one.  OH I SAID not shouting.  It would be a shame if we couldn’t get close to one, HUH?  All of the alligators took off at my loud responses, except one.  It just turned away from the light that was shining in its eyes and floated there.  The Jon boat turned and the guys cut the motor.  We drifted right alongside the 5-6 foot alligator.  As soon as we almost touched it with the boat, Charlie yells NOW BUBBA NOW.  My Marine reflexes and immediate obedience to orders took over my common sense.  I stood, raised the spear and plunged it into an area right between what I thought was the head but before the front legs.  The gaff found its place and the battle began.   The alligator thrashed its tail from left to right, it tried to roll but I kept the pressure on to prevent it. The guys dropped everything to hold on to the sides of the boat. The light flashed from the floor, like a strobe light sometimes shining on my back and into the trees and a few times it made it into the water where I saw the alligator.  We took in a little water.  I held on.  I think I was screaming but I couldn’t hear it.  After a few minutes, the gator freed himself and went deep underwater and escaped.  That is when I knew I was screaming because Charlie had found the light and was shining it where the alligator was.  I was just standing there, balancing myself, still holding the spear, perpendicular to the river. Then I heard the laughter.  You almost got that one Bubba.  I said yeah and sat down.  They laughed and then I laughed all the way back to camp.  As we pulled the boat out of the water, and started the fire, it was Miller Time.  I didn’t drink back then but enjoyed the company just the same.  I apologized for not getting the alligator.  Oh no man, you did great.  How’d you get yours? I asked.  Oh I shot mine.     I felt as dumb as a rock. I climbed in the tent and fell asleep like a man that had just wrestled an alligator.  I remember the beauty of the night, the stars above and the sounds of the jungle all around. Later after I published my first book, black man with a gun, people fear what they don’t understand, I bought a set of alligator tail cowboy boots.  Every time I looked down at my feet, I thought about my foolishness, my fishing trip in the Amazon and how blessed I was that the alligator got away.  

the Black Man With A Gun Presents, the first of the amazing but true stories to entertain you.  this one involves romance and a spider.   The story you are about the hear is fantastic but true. I have recorded it here for both my biological family and those adopted through my faith in Christ..  It is my hope that it entertains, and encourages you. Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~ Dan Rather Have you ever done something that you regret?  It doesn’t even have to be a big thing.  One of my regrets happened on a date.  It was not one of my best moments.  I was a shot to my pride and even now, I think I lost some man points from it. The Karma wheel was going around and it was my turn to get run over.  A lot of bad things were happening in my life at the time. For example, I was in love with a married cougar that had seduced me.  It was great until it became an international incident.  To save my career I broke off the relationship.  She soon left the country, got a divorce and I moped around for a while until I found out she slept with a roommate as a revenge sort of thing.  I lost it and was in another state for a few weeks.  Homicidal is a word I think they used.   Without planning, I rebounded with a young college student that looked like the Brazilian version of the Flash dance chick.  She was gorgeous and nice as she could be.  She was a hippie of Lebanese and Brazilian extraction.  Unlike almost everyone else I knew she was a virgin.  I thought that was great.  She was a beautiful atheist.  That bothered me like a frayed piece of your shirt that is showing.  It unraveled a little every day, irritating your spirit.  But did I say she was beautiful? One day we decided to go for a picnic.  I had seen the movies.  I looked for a red and white table cloth, I even found a picnic basket like Yogi Bear was always looking for.  Then I looked for a secluded spot.  It was out in the country side of Brazil.  Just outside the city limits of Brasilia the capital of the country and where I lived thanks to the dept of state. The date was set.  The location perfect and we had a driver take us out for a ride to the spot I had found.  It was near a water fall and plush vegetation.  It was like a scene from the old Fantasy Island tv show.  All I was missing was a little person, saying “The Plane, The Plane.” The driver stayed in the car and we walked through some brush to the place I had picked.  It was rocky on some parts but that was ok because I was going to sit on that side and make sure her perfectly formed body was on soft grass. We spread out the blankets, tablecloth and started to eat.  We talked, and I made her laugh at ever opportunity.  Things were going so well I wished the day would never end.  But it did soon after that. I was putting down my best mack daddy lines hoping she might be persuaded into taking advantage of this secluded paradise moment and go au natural with me out here.  My mind was already there.  We would make love in this scenic location and the memories would last for the rest of our lives. I looked around and it was like Eden.   I leaned on this rock and it moved.  My weight shifted and a couple of rocks moved. Under one of them was a hairy very large about the size of a dollar bill Brazilian Wandering Spider. When I shifted off the rocks I disturbed it and it bared its red fangs. Not sure what happened after that immediately because I was up and running thourhg the rainforest the way we had come. It wasn’t until I was in the car that I remembered I had left someone back there. It was not my manliness moment. When I opened the car door she was walking out of the woods.  I let her sit in the backseat and went back to get the stuff I had abandoned.  The spider was of course gone as was my chance a romance. Normally I am not afraid of nature but I am a student of it.  I know a venomous spider when I see one.  Sometimes knowledge is a bad thing. There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. – Proverbs 14:12  We became engaged, but I never married her. But that is another story… Thank you for listening to Never Fry Bacon Naked  If you like what you’ve heard please tell somebody about the show. If you’d like to show your appreciation buy me a coffee.  The link will be in the show notes. https://buymeacoffee.com/kennblanchard  If you like this story please subscribe/follow and never miss an episode.