🎶 Recommended song pairing (my friend Holly’s idea!):

Introduction

My mission in this life is to help you become shamelessly sexy. Of course, helping you figure out how to be sexy is the fun part. But before we can do that, we need to focus on what no one wants to talk about: shame.

Exploring our shame is challenging. This experience is not going to be comfortable or easy. But I can guarantee that if you can process parts of your shame, give yourself kindness and compassion about it, and then let it go, it can transform your life. Your shame might be connected to your sex life, your body, or your fantasies, but for now, it doesn’t have to be. We’ll have plenty of time to explore sex-related shame later. For now, just focus on whatever shame comes up for you. And don’t worry, because I’ll share plenty of shameful experiences from my own life as well. Let’s dig in!

What is shame?

“Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in." — Brené Brown.

Shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior” (Google). Shameful experiences might make you feel embarrassed, humiliated, or even ostracized by others.

Shame is everywhere. Researcher-storyteller Brené Brown has said, “Shame is an epidemic in our culture” that is “highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders." It also manifests differently based on gender. Brown shares that "[f]or women, shame is: do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat…this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be." However, "[f]or men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one: do not be perceived as what? Weak."

The best worst news about shame is that everyone has it; if you don’t experience shame, you’re likely a sociopath who can’t connect with others. While it is painful, shame is a fundamental part of the human experience. In a world of shame, we are the mistake. Shame makes us feel like we’re not good enough, and there’s something wrong with us. But it also makes us human.

What does it mean to be shameless?

To be shameless means to be “not ashamed, especially about something considered generally unacceptable” (Cambridge). It is essentially the absence of shame. To become more shameless, we need to work through our shame and beat it back so it doesn’t bother us anymore. Of course, we can’t change the past. But we can change our mindsets towards our shameful experiences and how much they affect us by following the tips I’ve put together below.

As I mentioned, working through shame is not for the faint-hearted. So, give yourself a pat on the back for preparing to face the darkest corners of your soul! Together, I hope we can achieve something like The Solution of my 12-step program,

“Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past.”

Tips

* Identify some shame you have.

Think back to your childhood or youth and pick a memory of when you experienced shame. Try not to pick something too overwhelming to begin with. You might need to repeat this exercise as many times as necessary, focusing on the shame you have from a parent or teacher, siblings, childhood friends, summer camp, school, sports teams, etc.