To say the least, in a lot of households where millennials and gen zs are under the same roof as boomers, family discussions turn into possible argumentative disagreements surrounding policy and social justice efforts.
In an average year without a pandemic, these young adults might be away from their family members at school, with friends, beginning a career, or simply off living their life. Granted there certainly are those who still live with their families or close to them and may even share the same set of ideals.
I, for one, know that if I had to move back in with my family because of the financial insecurity due to the pandemic or any other reason, there would no doubt be consistent discussions surrounding the current affairs of our country. Being the only person in my immediate family that does not support T*ump, I consistently speak up about the current movements and policies that bring more harm than helping our communities.
In my first episode of Maybe It’s Rocket Science, I talked with an incredible professor and advisor in the communications department at the University of Colorado-Denver, Dr. Yevette Bueno Olsen. I published this episode a year ago on SoundCloud with my friend who was my then cohost, Jenna Madyuh.
We wanted to discuss this, well, I wanted to discuss this, because I was consistently in discussions with my dad about T*ump. Him for and me obviously against. Being a communication scholar, I think I have rather good communication skills and have made all of our discussions stay discussions and away from becoming screaming matches. Even though, I do have regrets on not being more argumentative.
The interview I had with Dr. Bueno Olsen does help to recognize a few tactics for navigating politically charged conversations and many of which I think that a lot of others would benefit from as well.
We typically get very caught up in our own values and beliefs which can make listening to someone with a contrasting understanding of the world bring about strong emotions that can overwhelm us into expressing our passions in a manner that typically spark nonproductive conversation. If there is one thing that over the span of my 27 years of living and researching communication scholarship that I know for certain is that yelling your points and being more or less threatening to the person you are having a discussion with will never bring about understanding and certainly no compromise. I want you to think back to the last time you and someone you know had a disagreement. Did you or they yell? Did you come to an understanding? How did that turn out? What were your feelings behind it?
Showing our passion behind a specific topic is one thing, to do it in an unproductive manner, to put it bluntly, is a childish way of having adult conversations. I am not applying this same messaging to protests or anything of the sort, especially if folx are going speak against white supremacy in the face. Not to condone violence, but Indiana Jones never hesitated to punch a Nazi, but that is just a side note.
To be fair, Americans are not taught how to discuss heavier and more meaningful topics in early education. I can confidently say that in my K-12 experience I can only recall one instance when I had a conflict resolution course and I believe that was in elementary school. Imagine if in high school even there was a communication course that covered discussions, debates, interviewing skills, and even leadership. Just to name a few.
Our communication is something that grows over time. Our brains develop a better sense of understanding of our world around us to help shape who we are as we go through new experiences. Without a consistent effort into bettering our communication skills or being put into experiences where we needed to critically think before acting out, we won’t be equipped with the skill set to understand the best way to handle a discussion that makes us angry or sad.
Here are a few tips on how to better your communication skills when discussing hot topics with people you know:
1. First of all, if you have the ability to and feel safe, speak up. Injustices are around every corner and now we are exposed to them at a more frequent rate with the help of social media and 24-hour news cycles. Not to mention we have white supremacists and Nazi actions being completely skimmed over as the new norm. The more that discussions are happening, the more comfortable you will become having them, and the more than the other person can gain an understanding of your outlooks and you can understand theirs. Plus, it is the responsibility of all of us to have these conversations to begin to unpack the importance policy and social justice efforts have on people’s lives.
2. Think Michelle Obama, “when they go low, we go high.” If someone starts to escalate the conversation and they have shut down their potential for trying to hear your position, you need to take the high road. Now, this is something you don’t want to hear or do typically, and I understand. But having a scream off is not going to get anyone anywhere other than creating more of a barrier between you. One way you can take the high road is to respect yourself and your energy and remove yourself from the situation. If someone who you are in a discussion with begins to yell at you, the respect for the conversation has left, as should you. You can calmly say something along the lines of, “I can tell this is making you upset, maybe we can pick this back up at a different time,” and then leave the conversation. You can also express to them that you don’t appreciate being disrespectful and that makes you feel more unheard. In another case, if you want to finish the conversation then and there, you could suggest taking a break and come back to it or you can suggest to them if they have any other ways they could communicate that feeling or idea to you. I personally vouch for option 1 and leaving the situation.
3. Dr. Bueno Olsen mentioned a very good tip and that was to say back the statement that the other person said to you, back to them. This is a tool of active listening and becoming a better listener in general. Stating back what they said can do a number of things. It can show the other person that you are listening and trying to understand their viewpoint. It can also allow the other person to hear what they said. “So, you think, *insert what they said*” It can continue the conversation with respect and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives.
4. Respect yourself. Know your limits when it comes to these topics. These days we are bombarded with information at any and every second considering we have a supercomputer in our pockets. As a side note: younger generations grow up with a supercomputer in their pockets and to not think of them as being intellectuals is ignorant. If someone wants to discuss something that is triggering for you or you have been having long-winded discussions with others about this same topic all week, feel free to tell them that while this topic is important and that you would like to talk about it, you are feeling drained and not in the mood to discuss. If they do not respect you setting your boundaries, feel free to respect yourself further, and leave the situation.
5. Lastly, if you are conversing with someone who is being a bigot you have many options. If you feel energized and equipped with enough knowledge to educate them about the impacts that their negative thinking has on society, feel free to begin that discussion but be prepared for their values and beliefs not to be swayed. Not saying that change does not happen, but it can be tricky if the other person is grounded in their beliefs, so it will take time and effort to get them on the right page. The other option is to exclude this person from your life. It is an extreme measure, especially if this person if someone you care about and/or see frequently, but in the case that they refuse to listen to reason there is no reason to keep hateful people in your life. The more we surround ourselves with forward-thinkers and build up those who are willing to learn and understand new viewpoints, the less energy we need to give to those who refuse to accept it. This option is mostly geared toward folx in the LGBTQ+ community where their identity is being ignored, looked down upon, or discredited. There are resources in the helpful links tab at the bottom of this page for people who do not have an accepting home life.
These are the tips and tricks I have for you and there are more featured in the episode. Below is a link to another resource that Dr. Bueno Olsen has provided for more techniques. Comment below if you have any tips you would like to add!
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