Ho Ho Ho, Witches! We’re back in the expanded universe of the podcast with Episode Kappa in which we cackle at fraternity, get a lil’ tipsy on vegan egg nog, and VERY bravely sing some songs. We wrote the songs just for you, dear listeners, so scroll down to find the lyrics and sing along!
Word of caution: if this is your first time tuning in to Witch, Please, this episode is probably not the best introduction to the podcast itself (though it is most definitely the best intro to your podcast hosts and regular guest stars). Listen at your own risk of confusion!
We’ll be back to our regularly schedule fortnightly shenanigans in January, so blow the dust off your copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince so you’ll be ready to follow along.
Sending you hugs, kisses, and shitty jingly bell sound effects,
Witch This?
T. Chow-Fraser; D. Elfman.
What’s this? What’s this?
What’s this?
A dragon in its lair
What’s this?
I can’t believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Me oh my this isn’t fair!
What’s this?
What’s this? What’s this?
What’s this?
That goblin’s singing songs
What’s this?
The hills are full with
Elves and dwarves and hobbits
Out for gold and secret treasure
Through the mountains on adventure
What is this?
What’s this?
There’s wizards singing folk songs
They seem to live forever
Unlike Nicholas Flammel
Can Gandalf really magic?
He’s really good with swords
Is history the real magic here?
I simply can’t decide…
Oh, look!
He’s forged an evil ring
One ring! To give to every king. Inspired!
One ring to rule them all and in the dark
To him he’ll bind them, oh my gods
What’s this?
What’s this?
Get up that mountainside
Or die!
If Sau-ron gets the ring of power
Elves and humans all will cower
And war will come to everyone
So, now, correct me if I’m wrong
This looks like fun?
This looks like fun!
Oh, could it be? I got my wish?
What’s this?
Oh my, what now?
And look, a balrog underfoot
Nazguls
Orcs and trolls and orientals
Oliphaunts and trees
Don’t start making coney stew
You’ll never get to eat… *sigh*
What’s this?
The ministry is missing
And in their place there seems to be
A big red flaming eye
Instead of He Who Can’t
Be Named, hear ringwraiths on the wing
If you want him come and claim him
What’s with this damn ring?!
The sights, the sounds they’re everywhere
I’ve never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough
I want it, oh, I want it, oh, I want it for my own
I’ve got to know
I’ve got to know
What is this place with so much mirth?
What is this?!
Middle Earth, hmm…
Poor Hacks
H. McGregor; D. Elfman.
What have we done?
How could we read so blind?
List’ners lost, where were we?
Everything’s gone all Tolkien…
What have we done?
Cancel the podcast right now
Twelve episodes and a Twitter feed
That reads, ‘Here Lies Poor Witch, Please.’
But we never imagined all these men, never!
That all we ever wanted were some strong female characters!
Why does the patriarchy ruin everything?
Well, what the heck? We did our Witch, Please best
And for a moment, why, we had a film-degree guy
Who explained some int’rsting details to us (he did!)
And for the first time since we can’t remember when
And we are the Witch, Please hosts
That’s right, we ARE the Witch, Please hosts! Ha, ha, ha!
And we just can’t wait until Twenty Sixteen
And by God, we’re really gonna give it all our might
Uh oh…
We hope there’s still time to set things right…