Dracula seeks to escape his torturous nightmares of lost love, Gretchen Von Stroodlehymen.

Watching TV and opening fan mail only reminds the Prince of Darkness how he no longer fits into the modern world. Have the sexual demands of paranormal romance become too unrealistic for a mega-boomer derp vampire?

Then, BFF Juan pitches a plan to fix everything. Because that's what BFF's do.