Life is short. Live in the present. They say that’s what you should always think about. Don’t let your mind drift dwelling in the past. You can’t change it.
Oh, you can pretend it never happened. But, it’s not advisable to live in denial. We’re supposed to confront the past. Learn from it and move on. We’re also told to forget about whatever happened. How are we supposed to not think about something and also confront it?
It’s also said that we can’t know what the future is gonna bring. Anything could happen. That’s why Big Pharma is doing trillions in business developing anxiety pills. Everything in the media is designed to twist our anger to ignite the fight or flight reflex. Get us all worked up about stuff that may or, most likely, may not happen.
That said, we should only fixate on the present. It’s all we really can control.
What pulls us away from focusing are things that distract us from the thought that all is well in the present. If you’re reading this, you have food, shelter, have access to drinkable water and a computer. Life is good, right?
Wrong! We still have f*****g distractions.
Tangled cords. Lost car keys. Doors that open the wrong way. F*****g engine check lights. A whole host of b******t that takes us out of enjoying the present moment.
Therefore, since we can blow through trillions of dollars and have nothing to show for it, I propose the following.
We get together a coalition of behavioral scientists, lifestyle experts, friction evaluators, annoyance consultants and general knit-pickers. Then they come with a chart, as they do. A federally paid for data-drenched, pie-charted, multi-colored monstrosity.
We’ll say that the average American wasted something like 38 hours a year to annoyances. It could be classified as not only just time theft, but an esteem-sucking distraction. Doubt is an inconvenience. Nothing makes you less confident than losing s**t.
The Office of Inconvenience Elimination is what the name will be. High priced perception consultants will swiftly rebrand it as the Department of Acceptable Outcomes.
The first target will be computer passwords. They’ll be replaced by Intent Recognition, where your device reads your history of likes and follows like a nosey librarian. You get one password to use on all sites. If someone hacks your password, they get kicked off the internet and have to use a breathalyzer to get back on. They get the annoyance, not you.
Instead of a Two-Step Verification, banks will use Single-Feeling Verification. If you feel strongly about the money, it’s yours. Attitude becomes currency. But, you gotta keep your credit rating up. Since we Americans blow through cash and credit anyway, money should be easily accessible. If you can’t pay it back, no more money unless you pass a breathalyzer. Note: buy stock in breathalyzer companies.
Doors default to being open, especially those that don’t clearly show which direction to open them. I’m tired of pulling when they need to be pushed and vice-versa.
Also those that have a sign saying “Use other door”, if it’s a door it should be fully functional. If someone constantly needs their door to be closed they will be subject to invasive surveillance. I would say something about passing a breathalyzer but that joke is just about played out. I reserve the right to use it later if it’s applicable.
Real towels in restrooms will make a comeback. Those noisy hand dryers are a nuisance. They never dry your hands right. I still wipe my hands on my pants after using them. Same thing with paper towels as the overflowing trashcans are a mess. If somebody is gonna empty the trash cans, they might as well just bring in fresh towels. I bet billionaire bathrooms get fresh towels.
Small talk is a chronic irritant.
Replaced with Pre-Approved Conversational Modules like Weather Affirmation or Shared Mild Complaint, turning dinner parties into a symphony of synced, efficient nodding. If that doesn’t work, get rid of small talk altogether. People that enjoy small talk are f*****g sadists.
Moving sidewalks replace their concrete counterparts. Walking would hit unprecedented efficiency, and stopping to chat would become a fond memory. A downside to getting off the conveyor belt would be emergency rooms overflowing, but that would spawn Mandatory Momentum Awareness Seminars that would create jobs.
Birthdays would be recalibrated to fit a Moderate Pleasantness Index. Enthusiasm will be regulated and the birthday person’s reaction will be downgraded to a pleasant nod. If someone doesn’t want to participate in the birthday ritual they will not be socially penalized. As a matter of fact they will be considered rugged individualist heroes.
I could say something here about regulating marriage with Harmonized Partnership Protocols but my experience is it could never be agreed to.
In six months minor inconveniences could be extinct. No tangled cords, no waiting, no unmanaged results.
Of course, because we’re Americans, there will be resistance.
My guess is people will manufacture inconvenience recreationally. Puzzles will be broken into and a piece removed, group uphill jogs on uneven pavement, and black-market manual can openers.
Unscheduled Nostalgia will surge, manifesting as intentional manual drain clogging and listening to the same song twice without justification. Unauthorized laughter and applause breaching decibel limits. Mayhem!
These are only suggestions and it will work if we can get a little cooperation. If there is some type of defiance, breathalyzers and cavity searches for everyone!
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