Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 

Episode 5: The Withdrawer’s Dilemma Show Notes.
 
First 5 minutes:
Withdrawers have a hard time receiving feedback because any feedback lands like criticism. Feedback doesn’t mean ‘opportunity’ for a withdrawer, it means they must have gotten something wrong. Withdrawers are often anticipating that someone is going to tell them they got it wrong, so they are looking for it themselves so they can anticipate where it’s going to come from.

Minutes 5-10:

Pursuers often feel like withdrawers get things wrong and withdrawers often feel like withdrawers are getting it wrong. Both strategies tend to blame the withdrawers for what is going wrong. Withdrawers are not trying to set off their pursuers. The message they get is that conflict is bad, and therefore they are trying to avoid it at all costs.

Pursuers tend to have an anxious attachment strategy, while withdrawers tend to have an avoidant attachment strategy. So the internal message of the withdrawer can be, others are better off if I am not around, and I am better off not being around… but then they lose connection. Withdrawers want and need feedback to measure themselves, but feedback is dangerous and often lands like criticism, so they are in a double bind, wanting feedback but being afraid of the message that comes with it.

Minutes 10-15:

Withdawers then often find something else to ‘go to’ or validate themselves with because they aren’t getting it from their partner. Drinking, hobbies, isolated options. Example of working on a car in the garage- being in the garage and working on the car re-enforces the message that they probably don’t know how to engage with their family.

Errors or assumption from the pursuers is that their withdrawers aren’t really thinking about the connection they want. They are, but they don’t think they will or even can succeed at it, so they choose lonely over failure.

Humor is a great strategy for a withdrawer to stay engaged but try to stay out of the distress, but when used in conflict, it might backfire.

Minutes 15-20:

Unless a person has done some emotional work, most of them, both pursuers and withdrawers, don’t even know that their strategies are hijacking them. The more a withdrawer withdraws, the more likely they are to fail at the thing they are trying to protect- the relationship.
 
The message the withdrawer strategy often sends is that they don’t ‘need’ connection or their partner, but they do. We all need connection. The pursuers can also see the withdraw as a sign that they aren’t safe to their partner or trusted by their partner.

Minutes 20-25:

In distress, when a withdrawer ‘goes along’ with the purser, its’ often seen as capitulating or placating. Withdrawers are not maliciously or intentionally trying to get it wrong. Even secure relationships have to work on their cycle and their process.

Connect Point: Both partners take time to discuss one of the dilemmas withdrawers face that brings up empathy or compassion for the process your withdrawer is going through.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com