Connecting Couples Podcast: Series: Pursuers and Withdrawers 

Episode 3: “Honoring Withdrawers” Show Notes.

First 5 minutes:

Withdrawers have the ability to keep emotion from getting in the way of their task. They have been learning these strategies since their developmental years and life has taught them that it is a benefit to be able to stay calm in chaos.

Withdrawers can maintain the appearance of stoicism on the outside even in the evidence of stress. Withdrawers do research and like to know that the decision they are making is the best one.

 
Minutes 5-10:
The way a withdrawer nurtures a relationship is to be diligent about being accurate. They spend a lot of time thinking through what the best choice or best answer would be. Withdrawers are stoic and pursuers lean on their stability in times of distress.

Withdrawers look into danger or distress and can maintain composure to try and restore things to stable again. Withdrawers have an internal check list that helps them stay focused amidst distraction.

Minutes 10-15:

While Pursers like systems- they tend to be external systems that they need others to follow. Withdrawers run on internal systems for themselves to remain stable in all circumstances. Withdrawers are trying really hard NOT to fail, even to the fault of it being methodical.

Withdrawers are pretty self-reliant and we often see their self-reliance as low maintenance, but that also means we can miss their heart. Often if we ‘check in’ on a withdrawer, they can feel like they got it wrong- just because we are drawing attention to their possible need. Withdrawers want to make sure they look ‘ok’ even if they are not.

Minutes 15-20:

Withdrawers are like health and safety; they just want to keep everything ‘good enough’. Withdrawers are the pace cars for those around them. While pursuers tend to want to pick up the pace or continually look for ways to improve, withdrawers appreciate it when things are stable and there is nothing on fire.

Minutes 20-25:

Withdrawers know how to use humor to lighten the mood or help absorb some of the tension.  They know how to ‘de-escalate’ the tension in the room with humor or by distracting or changing the subject. Withdrawers having a willingness to ‘go along’ with the Pursuers plans or systems without much push back, even if they have a more accurate way.

Connect Point: Both partners honor one good thing about the withdrawer in their relationship.

For more information about Chad and Angela, check out their website: www.therealimhoffs.com