Show notes
Knowing when to stay quiet or speak up when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction takes practice. Today Michelle is going to teach you when keeping quiet is your best choice. Here are some of the topics we cover in this episode: Does nagging work? Should I wait until they're sober to speak to them? How should I handle an abusive situation? Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/stay-quiet-or-speak-up-how-to-make-the-right-choice-when-dealing-with-addiction/ If you want to learn more about the Love Over Boundaries program, visit us at https://loveoveraddiction.com/love-over-boundaries/ Hey there. For those of you that missed last week's episode, you might be wondering, "Wait a second, what happened to the Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast?" We changed our name. And there is a lot of reasoning and a lot of thought behind that change. I encourage you to listen to last week's episode if you missed it. Speaking of change, there is quite a bit of change going on, y'all. I have been so excited to announce this, and you might have seen this on the Love Over Addiction Instagram account or the Facebook page. And if you don't follow us, then please do. Because we have so many announcements and lots of wonderful tips, and we have some great ideas that are going to be posted on social media. You can find us at Love Over Addiction on Instagram and Facebook. But, if you missed our posts, I want to tell you a quick story. And I'm going to warn you, this is a bit of a longer episode than normal. I promise that I will get to your free helpful tip, and I have a surprise for you at the end of this episode, so make sure that you stay tuned. But I want to tell you a story first. I've been doing this for six years. No, maybe seven. I don't know, you guys. A long time. And I love it. I love it so much that I started to feel overwhelmed. I began to get to the point with this community where I really wasn't able to grow it the way that I felt like it needed to grow. So I decided with my husband that either I would have to scale back, or I would have to blow it out. And we have a woman in our community named Kate who approached me several months ago and said, "Look, I work for a union, and I think that my members would really benefit from Love Over Addiction." This is the second largest union in the United States and Canada. Might even be the world. And when she told me that, I got, a) really nervous, and b) really excited. But I knew that I couldn't even fathom that idea unless I had some help. Because you know how we always talk about self-care here? I knew that if I were to entertain the idea of helping that many women, on that kind of scale, I would no longer be able to have any sort of self-care or life, for that matter. I'm already working really long hours per day, and there just wasn't enough margin. So when I was in the kitchen, talking to my husband about this, he said, "I know a guy you need to talk to." And he set up this meeting with this amazing man who is so full of wisdom and been part of the behavioral health and healthcare industry for many, many years. Super intelligent guy. He's retired and does a lot of consulting for multi-million-dollar businesses. So my husband, who is your biggest supporter and advocate, as is mine, set up this meeting with the three of us. And this guy sat across the table from me, and he said, "Look, I've read almost every single thing on your website, and I have to tell you, what you are doing is wonderful and could be very big. So you need to figure out what is the end game. Where do you want to take this? Jump to 10 years, 20 years from now. Where do you see this going?" And I never had thought about that. For me, it's more like, I'm just going to take it day by day. And whatever you guys need and whatever I hear you talking about, I'm going to react to that. So I left that lunch with thoughts swirling and swirling and swirling. Then I sat down with my hubby and said, "Okay, what do you think we should do?" And he encouraged me. He said, "Michelle, I know the idea of growing this business is scary to you, and I know this opportunity with this union is really, really big, or could be really, really big. But think about all of the women that you could reach." And then he asked me, "Did you ever figure out what your goal was?" And I said, "You know what, I kind of did." I was a little scared to tell him, but I said, "I want to be the number one brand that women think of when they think of addiction. I want to be the number one brand in the world." And not me, not Michelle, but Love Over Addiction. Our community. Our movement. I want women all over the world who are in pain, who are suffering, and who are feeling alone like I did over 10 years ago in my kitchen, looking at my husband, passed out, and going where, where are all the other women that are going through this? What are they doing? How can we bond and share tools and tips and laugh and not get depressed, and not talk badly about the ones we love? How can we find hope, and how can we find laughter and friendship through this? How can we turn addiction into something that is the best thing that ever happened to us? Where is that? And so that's what I want. I want every woman in the world to know about us and that she has choices. That she is not powerless over this disease. I want us to become a giant movement. And that feels really scary to put out there to you, because it makes me feel really vulnerable, but that is my heart. That has always been the heart. That's what keeps me up at 2:00 in the morning when I'm thinking about what we need to learn, how we can improve, what we need to teach, and what we need to bring to light. So he said, "Great. That sounds amazing. Write that down, first of all." Which, of course, I didn't. Because it's implanted like a tattoo on my heart. And then he said, "All right, then you need to get a company. You can't grow this off of you." And that even sounded better to me, because again, I'm being so real with you right now and I did not plan on sharing all of this with you before I started, but why not? We're a sisterhood. You're through the front door with me. So as soon as he said a company, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. You know how when you make a really good decision, and it just feels perfect? And all of a sudden, you feel lighter. I have never, ever been comfortable with being the brand. Let me rephrase this because I don't want to make it sound like I'm lacking self-confidence. I'm definitely a feisty person that, when it comes to addiction, will speak up to anyone and talk about it with anybody. But I've never been really comfortable having the spotlight just on me. And building a business off of my name just doesn't sound right with my personality. It doesn't sit right with me. Now, for people like Tory Burch, absolutely. I don't know if there is a Lilly Pulitzer. I think there is. I think that's a real woman. Great. Those authors that you probably follow on Instagram, that works for them. But for me, that's just not been my personality. So as soon as he said a company, I started to get excited. Because I knew that would mean taking the shift off of one person and really building a team. And really building a brand. So, where does this leave us? I went away from that conversation with my hubby and thought about a team. And the more I thought about it, the more excited I got. Now, you all know Megan, and I love her to death. She's been with me for a couple months now, and she's fabulous. She manages the community, and she manages all my content. The most important thing she does is spell check everything because you know I have dyslexia, so yeah, when spell check doesn't recognize your words, you know that that's bad. So I started to think about the women that I know in business, and the women that I admire in business. And there are two women in particular that I have worked with that I brag about all the time with Brian. These women are rock stars. They are powerhouses. They are probably the two most respectable businesswomen I have ever met. And they are wiser than me in so many areas. The problem was, one of them had her own business and had done an amazing job building up her own business. The second one worked for that other woman. And I said to Brian, "These two women are the only women I can think of." And he said, "All right, why don't you ask? Why don't you see if they will come do this with you, to build this movement together?" So I flew one of them down. Her name is Brittany. And she had no idea that I was going to ask her for this. She thought I was bringing her down to help me talk business strategy. And she said yes. So she stepped away from her business and brought Jo with her. And Jo is one of my heroes who is truly the most organized, type A (in such a good way) woman. So Brittany is our new CEO. And Jo is our Director of Operations. I am so excited because it feels real. Because it is. And it feels right. If we are going to really integrate ourselves in the world of addiction, we've got to have a team. So these are your new team members. These women love you. They've been working very closely with me for years. They know this business, and they know you inside out. They're inside our programs, and they're inside our community. And so it wasn't this huge process for them to get to know you guys, because they already had. They believe in our mission. And they believe we can actually make this happen. So that is the big news. Now, what does this mean for you? Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. I'm still going to be hosting this podcast because my favorite thing to do is talk to you. I'm still going to be writing programs. I'm actually working on Love Over Addiction 2 right now. Now that they are on board, taking care of all of the operations and the back end, I am now free to write and dream up new content and research for you. So I will become even more available to you and coming up with all these great ideas for you because they are there taking care of the business side of business. So that's what it means to you. And I really, really hope that you are as happy and as proud that two other amazing women are willing to join our movement and our team. 2018 is turning out to be a huge year. I have so much more to tell you, but I am going to try and sprinkle it throughout the process because I don't want to overwhelm you. And I need to get to your helpful tip, because of course, I would never just talk your ear off about this and not give you a helpful tip. And I told you, I promised you a surprise at the end of this podcast. So today, we are going to be talking about whether you should you be quiet or speak up. That's a big topic, isn't it? So keeping a quiet mouth—can I tell you how impossible that feels to me at times? I have a reputation in my family as the one who isn't afraid to speak up. To call BS when I see it. I used to feel really ashamed of being very verbal. Or let me rephrase that. I was taught to feel ashamed for having a personality that someone could be considered too opinionated. For years, I would wish I was the kind, quiet girl who agreed. Who was more laid back, and worked things out in her head in her personal time, instead of confronting or having difficult conversations. But that, my friends, is not how God made me. Although, I am 40 years old, and I have learned over the last 10 years, that being outspoken is good, but not all the time. Sometimes, it's necessary, and it serves us and others to have the courage to speak up. Look at the amazing examples of Rosa Parks and Maya Angelou. What if they had not used their strong voices? History would not have been made. Freedom would have been denied. And yet, I read that Rosa Parks, a seamstress, known to be the mother of the civil rights movement, for the most part, was a very quiet woman. And that's how I learned you can move mountains when you choose to use your voice in specific situations, and you can also be powerful and quiet. When you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction, there will be times when you need to use your strong, convicted voice. And we have many examples of that in the Love Over Boundaries program. But we also need to learn when keeping a quiet mouth is the best choice. For example, nagging the one you love is a waste of your breath. Keep quiet. Your nagging will not change anything. It doesn't help them get sober, and it won't help you feel better. In fact, nagging probably does more harm than good. Another example when keeping a quiet mouth is a good thing: If the one you love is on drugs or drunk, they aren't sober, so don't even bother spending a single ounce of your precious energy when they are not going to hear a word you are saying. And one more example of when it's best to keep a quiet mouth: if they're being abusive. Now I know this is a hard one to hear. And a couple weeks ago, we talked about what verbal and physical abuse looks like. But we talk on this podcast about the issues that no one else wants to discuss. So hang in here with me, because this might apply to you. If the one you love is being verbally or physically abusive, some of us might be tempted to fight back. I know I did for many years until I learned this technique. But that is like adding more gasoline to the fire. The best thing that you can do in an abusive situation is to leave. Get out of the house. Hang up the phone. Try to walk out of the room. Lock yourself behind a door if you can. Exit, and don't engage. Retreat to a safe place. If you fight back with your hands or your words, you are putting yourself at great risk. If you know they are in a foul mood, give them space. Back away. Refusing to fight back is not being submissive or passive. It's being smart and mature. By learning when to keep a quiet mouth, you are growing into a wise woman. Biting my tongue, disengaging, and getting busy doing my own thing helped me keep a calmer, more stable environment for my kids and my marriage. Each one of us needs to use the courage that lies within us to speak the truth and call BS when we see it. But, let's make sure we are thoughtful, intentional, and not reactionary when we do. If you are interested in learning when and how to approach the one you love, join our Love Over Boundaries program. We will walk you through the exact steps and give you the sentences you can say in case you feel stuck. Literally, the sentences. We have them all on several pieces of paper. You can print them out, and you can practice in your bathroom, looking in the mirror. Now, I promised you a treat for staying with me that whole time. We have a freebie. So in the beginning, when I first started recording the podcast, I would give away freebies. You guys have spoken up, and you want more freebies. And we really want to please you. So we put together some freebies for you. It's not going to be every podcast, but this particular one. This is a guidesheet prompting you to create a list of things that you can do when you disengage from a situation and keep a quiet mouth. In order to get your freebie, take out your phone, or maybe you're listening to this on your phone. And I want you to text POPQUIZ, all capital letters. POPQUIZ to the number 4-4-2-2-2. Okay, so, I'm going to explain this because I needed someone else to explain this to me because I'm totally bad with technology. So instead of putting the name of the person you're going to text, you put the number, which is 4-4-2-2-2. And wherever you write the message, that's when you put in all caps, POPQUIZ. And please don't worry, we don't store your numbers or anything like that. This is just a way for you to get your free guide sheet. Okay. I love every one of you. Make sure you subscribe, and please, will you please do me a favor? Will you please review this podcast? I love hearing from you. You don't need to use your real name or anything like that. You can totally hide that. I read every one of them, and they help us rank on iTunes. And it's not about being number one, but it is about getting the word out that this is a resource for other women. Right now, I think we're in the top five percent of podcasts on iTunes, so we want to maintain that. We want to grow even more. And also, the more popular a podcast gets, the more I can get great guests on for you because guests want to be on popular podcasts. So I love you, and I hope you'll join me in welcoming Brittany and Jo to our team. And I hope you find that as good of news as I do. I'll talk to you next week.
